Question of the Day

Is he gay or just a good dancer?

This question was posed to me recently about a very handsome young gent who was dancing his lil heart out at a party. Upon checking out his fluid, funky moves (more Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds than Chris Brown) and his impeccable style, I said firmly, "Gay." So of course I was shocked to learn said Tiny Dancer was sweet on ol' Kelle Belle! Yes, I am quite tall and have somewhat broad shoulders, but trust, I am all woman. There must be a mistake! So he isn't gay? I want a recount!

I have a few very stylish male friends whose sexuality is always a subject of debate. I fiercely defend their heterosexuality ("He lives with his girlfriend for goodness sakes!") but am always met with raised eyebrows and a condescending "Okay, Kelly...if you say so" followed by lengthy snickering.

I cite famous examples of "effeminite" men who are definitely straight to prove my point further. Take for instance, a certain caramel skin, slant-eyed, short, music industry figure. No, not John Legend (jury's still out on him), but Russel Simmons! Dude definitely has some effeminite characteristics (and the lisp doesn't help) but he is sho-nuff into the ladies. Yes, he may only date models that tower over him, but that has more to do with his Napoleon complex, not his need for a beard.

Back to Tiny Dancer. He is extremely good looking and nice, but even if he is straight, if I had to question his sexuality, dude's not for me. I like my mens manly. A little scruff never hurt nobody. Look, I appreciate a well groomed man like the next lady, but arched eyebrows is a no-no. As is manicured nails. Clean nails yes...clear polish? Nay.

Thin Line & On Time!!!

Work with me people as I am rusty, but I am at worst the 4th baddest bitch in America (Love you Bre). It's Monday and it's a thin line. Let's get to it.

Love

I love this here jacket worn by ya boy Bow Wow. It's hot. 50 cent for whosoever can find it for me.

You would look uber hot in that jacket Jake! If you're a really good Jake, perhaps Santa will find a way to send it to you! And by Santa I mean I'll email you the link of where you can purchase it yourself.

Jake I loooove Tina Fey! She's from Philly, one of the funniest comediennes of our time, and she is taking it to the streets! She joined her fellow writers and was on the front of the picketing lines when the Writer's Guild went on strike. More celebs need to take a page out of Tina's book, get over themselves, and stand up for what is right.

Hate

I hate that damn American Gangster movie. I hate to get all political on you all but I am disappointed that Denzel Washington, perhaps the greatest Black actor of our time, signed on to do this project. Why would you glamorize the gangster life? This movie will inspire a bunch of little kids to sell drugs in hopes of becoming the Man. Look at the effect Scarface has had. Add a respected Black face and a couple of rappers and all we will see in 10 years is American Gangster posters and DVD sets. MTV cribs will never be the same. It's sad.

Jake, are you really surprised that Denzy chose this role? Not a coincidence that his best actor Oscar was for a similar negative character. He acted his ass off for sure, but I like you, would prefer if he (and Halle) could have won for the portrayal of a more positive role for black youth (Malcom X anyone?).

Meanwhile, I hate mixed signals. How come only the dudes I am not interested in give me a clear green light ("I want you"), while the one who I am completely smitten with has me questioning my sexy. Make a grand gesture dammit! What's the worst that can possibly happen? Besides humiliating rejection and never being able to trust anyone again? That's nothing compared to what you have to gain. Me!

Hate that I Love

JLo, Britney, & Mariah Carey. I mean I loves me some them, but Jenny's music sucks now; Britney is gosh darn mess, and MiMi is taking forevers to drop an album. What's a guy to do for entertainment around here?

I know, I am rusty.

You sho is rusty! In these troubled times Jake you have to Tim Gunn it. This applies to your girls that you mentioned above. Yes, Brit is a mess, but her new album is the shizz! JLo's album is pretty bad (save for the debut single) but she has been looking deliciously pregnant lately and her hair/makeup remains flawless. Mimi was on the View a few weeks ago and it was pretty snooze. I admire her ability to keep up the tragic mulatto role going strong for this long though.

"Us" Couples

Picture it: you're at the club dancing your lil heart out (or posting up on the wall like I usually do), and a sweaty, greasy dude grabs you by the arm and presses his sweaty lips to your ear and rattles off some lame game on you. Upon seeing the creature's face you immediately grab your arm back and wrestle your way out of the Shrek look-a-like's hold. What does he do? Cusses you out!

Yes, chile. This has happened to me numerous times. Usually the rejected soul goes off on how I am stuck up, conceited, or just a plain B. Well, you know what? I object! I am tired of being penalized for not indulging a woo-er's advances if I am not attracted to them. I am always polite, but no, I will not give out my number if I am not interested in seeing you again. How is this being a b? I think it would be more jerky if I actually gave the digits out of pity and wasted both dude's time and my own.

You know what I really wish I could say to these dudes Jake? I'll tell you. I wish I had the lady balls to say, "Dude, seriously, how many couples that look like us do you see walking around?" I know, it's horribly mean. But come on! Be realistic people! I couldn't care less if you're sweet. You're fug too! Sorry, but not my problem. I'm into sweet and cute guys. Is that asking too much? I don't think so.

And it's not like I get the attention of every guy I think is cute. But I don't get mad and call the dude I'm drooling after "conceited" or a J. He's just not interested. Next!

Sweet November...Sour December

Jake, I am in a fall funk. I pride myself on my sunny southern california disposition, but I just can't fake the funk no mo'. I am not liking the shortening of days, the decreasing temperatures, or the upcoming holiday season. For me the holiday season means: long flights and delays, over-eating and the guilt that follows (not to mention the ill-fitting clothes due to the expanded waistline), family quabbles, and my birthday which happens to occur smack dab in the middle of January. Most people are still hungover from NYE to really celebrate, and it's too cold outside to wear anything super cute anyway. I know what you are going to say: "Tim Gunn it", KIC, KIM, etc. But I don't know if I can....I know, when in doubt make a list! Here are some of the things I like about the holiday/winter season:

1. Sales. If I remember correctly, my brother purchased a flat screen Tv for like .99 cents the day after Thanksgiving last year. I need a DVD player and new laptop, so guess where I'll be November 23rd? You guessed it, Kmart! I kid. But I will be at Target. Baby steps...

2. Peppermint Hot Chocolate. My signature holiday/winter cocktail. It's THE perfect cold weather drink. The hot choco warms you up, the Peppermint Schnapps gets you nice and tipsy (bonus: your breath smells amazing!), and the whipped cream and mini candy cane as garnish is just too perfect. You can't help but smile when you see a piping hot mug of KB's PHC coming your way.

3. Kingston looks ridiculously adorable in his his doggy Yamaka.

Readers, help out with my list! What else can I look forward to this holiday/winter season?

What time is it? Thin Line Time!

Y'all, my deepest apologies for being so late. KB was off tanning and networking at a conference in Meh-hee-co last week and I'm just now settling back into the swing of things at work. Without further ado, A Thin Line:

Love: Halloween. I plan my costume months ahead and begin to consume candy corn 'round about August in anticipation of the holiday. I seriously think my desire to someday have kids revolves around the idea that I will be obligated to Trick-Or-Treat with the little mungrells for at least 14 years. Who am I kidding, I still trick-or-treat now, sans kid. The ol' "I'm trick-or-treating for my little brother who's home sick" excuse works everytime!

Hate: Halloween. The overconsumption of candy and chocolate is horrible for the waistline and teeth. It's ridiculous. Meanwhile, I saw someone come out of CVS with hoards of candy they just purchased and literally stepped over a homeless person begging for food or money. Can ya throw a brotha some mini-M&M's? My word.



Hate to Love: You guessed it bitches, Halloween. I hate that I love it is the one holiday that you can dress like a straight up whore and no one can judge you! It's awesome. Of course many b's take it way too far (as I was reminded once at a party when an "angel" stood in front of me while I was sitting down and her thong laden ass was directly in my face. I guess she thought her thin see-through white nighty made it less slutty. wrong.). ps: KelleBelle is one of those b's! I feel like a slutty costume is okay, as long as it's original!

Speaking of original, what the hell is P.Hilton supposed to even be in the pic above? Besides wildly inappropriate?

Bamboozled!!!

Picture it: yesterday, the head of recruiting emailed me personally to ask if I could interview a law student for a summer associate position. I have interviewed candidates before but usually I volunteer to an office-wide request for interviewers. I have never been personally sought out to interview. The mystery was solved when I read the candidate's resume: she attends law school at a historically black college. Got a black candidate, get a black interviewer (you know, to make sure the candidate knows we are a diverse organization and equal opportunity folks and so forth and so on...).

Well, wouldn't you know when I opened my office door today to greet said candidate this girl was anything but black! More like the opposite! White as fallen snow and hair so bright she could light up a dark ass room. Of course I knew to broach the race subject would have been quite inappropriate (not to mention illegal, I think) so I tap-danced around the subject..."So how do you like ____ Law School?" She said with a huge smile: "I love it!" I'm thinking...I bet you do! Takin' all our men and polluting the earth with your racially confused mungrell children (myself included). Uh huh... (I'm kidding...I actually think she may swing for the other team, but that's a whole 'nother level of diversity).

The entire time she sat across from me I searched for any bit of ethnicity in her face, or hair. I got nathan. Not one kink in her super smooth bright blond highlighted hair. It got a tad akward when we spoke about her affection for swimming and water sports and I said I love the water as well, but my hair just makes it difficult for me to swim on a regular basis. She quashed any chance of her maybe being a tiny bit black by going the "my best friend is black" route. Well not exactly, but she tried to connect with me by saying her best friend at law school always talks about how she "sweats out" her hair when they go to the club...um, thanks for the info! I said nothin' about sweatin' out my hair, fool.

Meanwhile, do you think it'd be in bad taste for me to paste this post onto my firm's Interview Evaluation form under "general impression"? Or perhaps just simply, "Bamboozled." She was super nice but I just can't get over her choice of law schools...why?!

Black Folk's Hell

One of my fav bloggers, Thembi, (whatwouldthembido.blogspot.com) and I were having a lovely afternoon girl talk session via Gchat today when she mentioned one of her neighbors stole her copy of Jet magazine. I know what you're thinking, "Who the hell has a subscription to Jet? It's still in print?"

After Thembi informed me that the magazine is definitely still in circulation and pinned the subscription on her moms, I told her that the Jet thief would surely go to hell for their sin. And not just any hell, Black Folk's Hell! What makes Black Folk's Hell different you ask?

Well, for starters, as soon as you enter, your hair transforms into a messy Jheri Curl. The juices soak your clothes and burn your eyes and neck as they run down your face all day, everyday. The Cosby Show never existed, and Birth of a Nation plays on repeat. In addition Thembi added, in Black Folk's Hell, chicken does not exist, and lotion is a made-up concept. People's knees and elbows are constantly bleeding due to the extreme level of ashiness.

Meanwhile, I hear VH1 is in the works to make the above concept into a reality show. And that Jake, is really Black Folk's Hell.

No chile, Jake is at work. That, my friend, is black folk hell. (Giggles).

Note: The jheri curled tool pictured above is "Punk" from ILNY2. And also, a former classmate of mine at Harvard Law. Thanks for simultaneously shaming your people and devaluing my degree, jerkwad!

A Thin Line anyone?

Well well, looks like KelleBelle will start this week's ATL post. I am usually the sole holder of the late pass, but Jake has been pretty busy these days, what with the Britney situation and the imminent J.Lo pregnancy announcement. You know, serious global issues.

Love

I love me some early 90s movies Jake. And not of the BoyzntheHood or House Party 1-7 variety (which are fan faves as well, of course). I mean the kind of movies where the stars are all legit professionals and everyone is dressed to the nines complete with shoulder pads, big hair and harsh makeup for the women, and sleek fades for the men. I sat and watched Boomerang twice on Friday night and had the best time ever. I heart seeing Chris Rock in a film early in his career where he is not a crackhead. For one night, all seemed right in the world.

First, I rebuke any thought from anyone who doesn't appreciate a good crackheaded performance and let's face it...nobody does a better crackhead performance than Chris Rock. Except maybe Halle Berry. Second, I am going to have to say that I love New York. And, that I am so happy it has returned. And, that it is going to prove that Harvard Law School is an overated sham of an institution thanks to one "Punk" pictured in the above post. Eat it KelleBelle, you should have gone to Penn.

Hate

Time. There's never enough of it. Or if you're doing something boring or annoying, there's too much of it. I hate that there are zones of it. If we were all in the same zone, I'd totally hop on a plane on Friday and go home to Cali for the weekend. But due to that damn zone, I'd spend half of my life on the plane getting back to the EST on Sunday night. Okay clearly I am struggling for something to Hate this week. But that's a good thing, right?

Consistent with my love of New York (the person and show, not the damn city), I hate those people, black and white, who say that she and the show reflect negatively on the black community. One person can't represent the whole and a white person is quick to point out that s/he is not responsible for the racist acts of others, including acestors. Why therefore am I responsible for the behavior of those on I Love New York. We have to start using white logic against white people. And that's real talk. People like New York exist and I will not be shamed of her. I didn't raise that child. I don't know her and I don't know anyone on the show. You, on the other hand KB...

Hate to Love

Exhaustion. Not the kind that is actually code word for Anorexia or Overdose. I mean true exhaustion. From working out so hard at the gym you are exhausted and sore for days. Or you were up two nights in a row fervently drafting a human rights petition that you know will likely never see the light of day but dammit, justice is at stake! Or you are exhausted because you were up all Saturday night having a tickle fight (both of the naughty and innocent variety) with your dude. Exhaustion means you are living life to the fullest and taking no prisoners. Or you are just out of your Lunesta prescription. Either/or.

All that being said. I hate that I love New York. She, the show, and VH1 are indeed the Devil.

The Worse Thing About The Britney Situation

Let's face it this whole Britney situation is awful, awful, awful. But you know what the worse part of it is? It is not that she is a crackhead, it's not that these kids are doomed, it's not that she has been deemed less suitable as a parent than one K-Fed, it's not that it's all being broadcast over TMZ, and it is not even that she is fat. It's more that we all saw this coming when she married this guy and then decided to have his kids.

Let's also face that we saw all of this coming years ago. At least, I know I did. Perhaps I am an evil human being, but when the stories first surfaced of Britney and Shar Jackson's anonymous baby-daddy surfaced I was already looking forward to the disaster that would be the breakup. Then they got married and I got more excited. Then they had kids and I was bout to explode with anticipation. And then it all unravelled...bit by bit, or shall I say Brit by Brit.

Why anyone finds this shocking is beyond me. You know you saw this coming. You knew this would the biggest, baddest, trashiest break-up ever. You knew it. We were all just waiting. And, we didn't have to wait long. I mean it takes story lines on All My Children longer to unravel.

And now, I just sit back and watch. With imaginary popcorn. Sometimes I forget that this is a real life. I think we all do thanks to these stupid blogs. I am kind of disgusted with TMZ who is now bragging that they are the ones who caught Britney driving with the kids when she wasn't supposed to and then drinking when she wasn't supposed to. It's kind of awful. But for her relative fame she would still have the kids. Who the hell was watching K-fed?

In fact, somebody grab the camera while I put on my wig and lipstick: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE. Better yet, KB grab your foundation and let's do the Janet & Michael video for Britney. What? You didn't think you would get to be Janet did you? Chile... cheese.

(giggles)

Thin Line!!

KB, what's really good!? What's been up with you and what's up with thin line? I have two weeks of confusion built up so I am just gone let it out...

Love

I am going to have to switch it up on you KB and confess that I love my new boy. Okay, so I don't love him, but I love the idea of him. I do like him a lot though. He's super good to me, hot, and kinda gets me. I love it. Oh, and he is hilarious. Oh, and all my friends love him. We can talk or not talk for hours. I guess that's why I ain't been running around here blogging and ish. But, I'm back bitches. The bitch is back!!!

Jake, get out of my head please. We are so on the same wavelength! I bet we get our monthlies at the same time too we are so in sync. Chile, I'm loving the idea of my boy too! Were you fighting your likeness? I know I was. But damnit I am in like. And loving it! Meanwhile, have you been getting hit on incessantly and ex-paramours have been sniffin 'round? They must dig the content vibe I'm giving. Or the 5lbs I've recently lost. Either way, I'm in like! That's why I've been nan-where round these blogging parts...oh that and party planning and my indentured servitude day job. But the parties are over, my job is getting a bit more manageable so you know what that means right? The bitches is back son! And they said, "Yay-men!"

Hate

This is no news flash and I feel really guilty about saying this, but I am not a big fan of fat people who be going to the club, taking up all my space and breathing all the thin man's air. I mean, I guess it's okay to be big on your own, but not so much in a crowded club. There I said it. It really bothers me. And you know who is always the one dancing the hardest? The fat boy. There he is working up a sweat, which of course only invites the question of why don't you dance like this more often...in your living room, like the people on youtube? They really make me uncomfortable. And when they exhaust themselves from all the dancing you know what they do? They come and stand right next to me. Boo!

Jake, oh Jake. I'mma say a prayer for you, and J.Lo too. But mostly for you. Don't be a fat-ist! I'm not a fan of anyone - thin or plump - dancing all extra up in a crowded club, getting sweat on me and throwing bows, etc. But, as long as they are dressed nicely and do not have stank breath, get it in! You looking down on the fatties dancing exuberantly is just part of the problem. You see a rude, disgusting, annoying display of girth, I see calories burning and fun being had by all. Supa-man dat what?

Hate to love

Jake, this may shock some peeps, but I Hate that I Love Jews*. Okay not Jews generally, but Judaism in particular. Or Jewish weddings if you want to get specific. Okay, liberal, eclectic Jewish weddings officiated by a lesbian Rabbi. Yes! You know KB is half J right? Chile, I love me some Jewish traditions! I may have to get a late pass Batmitzvah before I get married just so I can break the glass - after jumping the broom. Mazel-Tov!

I hate that I love sobriety. It has now been two days since I last smoked or drank anything. Snaps for the kid. I had been on something for so long that I had forgotten what it was like. In fact, I think I am on a sobriety trip right now. It's like woooooow, this is weird. Why is my brain moving so quickly? What are these emotions I am feeling? For real? I had forgotten what anger was like. It's a high of it's own. Real talk. I kinda like myself. But it's early.

*Real Talk: Before the ADL shuts this bitch down, let me explain why this is not in the Love category. I'm half J but was never accepted by the J's in my hood growing up, or anywhere really. So I'm a bit salty about loving the traditions and the people...b/c I do so from afar! Let me in dammit! Let me in! Chile, you done got me all phe-clempt! Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in fried chicken and matzo ball soup...and a soda on the side!