The Belle is Back!

I hope everyone has recovered from the week long celebration following Jake's return to the Show. I still have a hangover. But back to work.

Jake, since you covered the three major reality shows, I'll cover a few others that you may have flipped past while looking for Rock/Flavor of Love.

I luuuurve "The Real Housewives of New York City" on Bravo! You've probably heard of the west coast original format: "The Real Housewives of Orange County". That show is so-so. Mildly entertaining. Everyone is pretty, botoxed, and fit. But overall it's pretty snooze. Not "Make Me a Supermodel" snooze, but it could use some pep. Let me break it down why the NYC b's kick the crap out of the SoCal hot moms:

NYC bitches vs. Orange County hoes

Needless to say the NYC b's give attitude! They are catty, backstabbing, petty, violent, and evil! In other words, they give me everything. I love the Countess!


The O.C. hoes were just too friendly and fake. One of them clearly lusted after another's husband, but unlike an nyc b, she just jokingly mentioned how much she admired him. But you could see the lust in her eyes. B, don't you know this show ain't free?! Get some ratings and get yo man!

But what the O.C. hoes lack in attitude they make up for in hair and overall beauty. They're in better shape, have better style, and their hair is far superior to the NYC crew.

Moving onto shows with hot docs as the host...Celebrity Rehab is coming to an end this week. What can I say, I'm a sucker for smart guys with nice arms. Jake I know you saw the episode where we peep Dr. Drew in a t-shirt. Swoon!!!

So who wants to bet on who stays sober the longest? I bet $2 on Mary Carey. And by longest I mean she waited until she left the rehab center's parking lot before she shot up.

Millionaire Matchmaker was fun to watch and I'm sad it's over. But honestly Jake, I was getting a bit tired of Patti's know-it-all attitude. And just her in general. She had a bit too much attitude for someone who is still single, in need of a trainer, and a stylist. But I loved the jewishness she gave on the show. Yes, I know, I'm biased! But my black side kicked back into full gear when "Xavier" was featured on the show. Why did the one black millionaire have to have a kid, and made his fortune through on-line gambling? Is there such a thing as a poor man's millionaire? Jeez louise.

Finally, my other fav reality show that isn't on everyone's radar is Parking Wars! Mostly because it's filmed in Philly. One episode was filmed right in front of my old apartment! Sigh, I'm home-away-from-homesick. :(

Before I start blubbering, let me go. A re-run of the Salt & Pepa show is on...Pep is crazy! and a drag queen.

Smooches,

KelleBelle

The Bitch is Back. Oh, the Bitch is Back!

Well, now that the writers strike is over I guess it's time for Jake to get back to work. Me and Kelly are in a fight because she crossed the picket line. Heifer. But, back to our regularly scheduled programming. How do we pick up where we last left off?

It's always good to talk Reality TV, right? Well, am I the only one who thinks that Amidol, ANTM and Project Runway are better than evers? True story.

Amidol decided to let the gays play this season even one's with purple streaks and a neck that won't quit. They also went back and got some people they rejected last time for dumb reasons. And they are letting bitches use instruments. Good job guys. These bitches are giving me everything! David Archuletta? Fierce. I am sick of the catty flirtation between Cowell and Seacrest (why hasn't he been replaced yet? I'll take Mario Lopez). And, Paula be fuuucked up on the show. Paula will say some crazy shit like: I love you because you remind me of rainbows and kuala bears. I wish I could carry you around underneath my bangs and kiss you on sunday mornings. God...I LOVE HER!!! She fills the void left by Being Bobby Brown. Whitney, I miss you!

Project Runway. See the finale? It gave me everything! Look for me in that lil feather number that Christian showed in a drag show near you as soon as I have it taken in a bit. I don't know how they decided this season because they were all so great. Unlike previous seasons when we had to decide who we hated least. Kudos to them. Now, I hope we don't have to wait a year for another season. Only criticism is that I wasn't feeling Tim Gunn's "Make it Work." I think he was over it. Sometimes he would be done but realize he hadn't said it and then he would go back and mumble...oh, and make it work. Sweetie, each Make it Work should be as good as the last. Just as a hookers blowjob should be as good as the first. Now, TG: Make it Work...BETTER.

ANTM. I've said it once and I'll say it again: it matters not not the girls get uglier each season. Give me Tyra, Ms. Jay, and skinny bitches chasing a dream and I am a happy gay. They are uglier than ever this season, but I do like the new judge. Was sooo over Ms. Twiggy. I am glad Tv has realized that Brits don't make everything more interesting. Sheesh. And let's face it: Tyra is the show. She gives me giggles for days. All that being said...even makeovers couldn't salvage these boogers. Bless they hearts.

That's really all the reality TV I watch. They are essentially the Gay classics. Although, I sometimes watch Making the Band. What a snooze. Diddy thinks there can be a show without Laurie Ann!? No ma'am. Either dance, fight or go home. Over that show.

Loooooooove,

Jake.

P.S. Call me!

I'm Not Racist, My President's Black!

It seems that everyone is on the Barack train these days. And I mean everyone. From obvious supporters (hip liberals and all black people) to surprising backers (Maria Shriver has some cojones!), Barack is definitely winning the popularity contest thus far. And in Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I had to wonder: will Barack's campaign really change the way black people are regarded?

I posed the question to my main b's from law school, which I've posted below along with a fiery response. Join in on the discussion!

KB: "Do you guys think Barack's campaign (and hopefully his election) will really affect how white people regard black people? I mean, on a deeper level. Or is he just gonna be the political equivalent of 'I'm not racist...my best friend is black' whereas the best friend is now the president. I can see the LAPD now...'I didn't unjustly beat those kids with my night stick because they were black...I voted for Barack!'"

Harvard Honey: "Hell to the Naw. Not on any level, whether deep, surface or whatever. Why? Because the unspoken and unacknowledged and subconscious (and racist) assumption underlying white folk's support of Barack is that he is not black. He's transcended race. He's transcended race. He's beyond race. And if they do view him as black, he's different. He's not as black as Sharpton or Jesse. He's 'clean' and 'articulate.' So it's not going to change how they view blacks because he's just in another category from the rest of the lazy shiftless negroes."

Grammys, Shammys

Overall I thought the Grammys were disorganized, overrated, boring, and predictable. Except for album of the year. I bet you twenty bucks the Recording Academy switched it up last minute just to piss off Kanye. Well played.

I would have been SO miserably bored if I was in the audience! I could just picture myself squirming in my seat like a two year old in church on Easter Sunday in my uncomfortable poofy dress, pleading with moms to let us leave early (yup, I was a heathen early on).

For once I actually approved of Kanye's arrogance and obnoxious demands. Everyone knew he was going to mention his mother; the music playing mid-speech was silly. But of course Ye went too far when he said his mom wanted him to be the number one artist in the universe and he'd make that happen. Did she really say in the universe? Really Ye? My word.

The hype about Amy W was a bit unsettling. I mean, why are we all waiting on pins and needles to see a real live crackhead perform via satellite? Natalie Cole hit the nail on the head: http://perezhilton.com/2008-02-11-quote-of-the-day-161

And who knew a petite Jewish girl from London would give the most ghetto acceptance speech outside of the BET hip hop awards? I almost fell on the floor when she shouted out her husband in lock-up. ps: was she performing at an actual venue or did they just clear out the cafeteria at her rehab facility? I'm betting on the latter.



Let's see what else. I liked B's new lacefront. The dress was a lil too costumey for me. But I blame it on mama Tina.

I loved Nas and Kelis' outfits! What other couple could pull off such a statement? If they aren't the Zack and Kelly for the hip-hop set I don't know who is. I'm totally re-creating their look for Halloween. I already have the wig from last year's Rihanna costume. Now to find me a Nas...

Back to the books.

Smooches!

KB

Bad Week for Black Daytime TV

Twenty bucks says Big Gay Al Reynolds is perusing the [gig] classified ads on criagslist right now.

Star Jones' show on TruTV (formerly Court TV) was cancelled. I have never seen the show in its entirety but I have done a few drive-bys while channel surfing. Eh. It was okay. Basically your typical pop-culture-and-the-law show. I don't see why it got canned and all those other snoooring legal analysis shows stay on the air. Maybe the gay mafia is to blame? She has been keeping Big Gay Al locked up at home and out of the scene lately. I hope she lands on her feet. She's quite smart and I was actually interested in what she had to say when she was on The View (although she pulled the "well when I was at the DA's office..." line one thousand too many times).

Speaking of The View. I realize now why I haven't been 100% satisfied with the current panel including Whoopi as the moderator and Sherri Shephard as the newest co-host. They both do not have the right balance of pop culture knowledge (and interest) coupled with the ability to debate and analyze serious substantive issues - a la politics.

Whoopi is clearly smart and knowledgeable about national and world issues, but seems like she could really give a rip about anything the gossip blogs or tabloids are currently focusing on. She admitted she did not know who Justin Timberlake was (or Britney Spears, I bet) before she joined the View. She's just not into that foolish, silly world of celebrity and pop-culture nonsense. She makes a valiant effort but her hearts not in it. And that's okay. Because I mean, she's Whoopi. She doesn't have to be into that pop-culture ridiculousness that we here at the Jake and Kelly Show love and live for.

Now, Sherri Shephard definitely is in that world. Did she go to college? Or get her GED? Her steeze is to sample "Betty Sue's world famous chili!", do stupid giveaways, chime in when there's a child-rearing or God issue (where she usually embarrasses herself and all Christians) and say over and over how she was seriously going to kill her cheating husband. Yes, but what have you done for me lately? She's all fluff. There's no there there. She makes the occassional funny quip, but eh, I could really do without her. And when it comes to real issues? Deer in headlights central. She remains silent until there's a chance for her to make some semi-funny comment (usually with a black woman neck/eye roll, sigh) and then she patiently waits for the the subject to turn to something more idiot friendly. Well friends, I now have proof to confirm my suspicions. Word just came out that Sherri had to rush and register because...the b has never voted! Ever! Check out the following statement:

"On The View this morning, Sherri Shepherd recounted her close call of almost missing the cutoff for registering to vote via absentee ballot for the election in November. (Shepherd resides in New York, but is a California resident.) And apparently this is the first time that Sherri will be voting...ever! Having turned 18 in 1985, the now-41-year-old has missed out on the past five presidential elections because she 'never knew the dates or anything.' She said it was important to vote in this one, though, because otherwise, she wouldn't have a right to complain on The View about whomever is elected for an entire year. (She probably meant to say 'four years.')" - Crunk and Disorderly

I think Sheryl Lee Ralph would've been a much better co-host! She is a better combo of world issues/pop-culture and she's fabulous! I'd even take Gayle. But I suppose being Oprah's bff is a pretty demanding gig. Ah well. A girl can dream...

And to round out the bad week for Black Daytime TV, The Montel Williams show has been cancelled after 17 seasons.

And right before Black History Month! That ain't right. Y'all, when you're chuggin a brewski on Superbowl Sunday, pour a lil out for the fallen black stars of daytime TV.

Smooches!

KB

A Quickie with KelleBelle

Calm it down hornballs. I only have 2 and a half minutes to spare (I spent the remaining 7 and a half minutes of my break watching the tail-end of The Soup and visiting with mum and the doggies) so here are a few quick items I would otherwise dedicate more time to if I wasn't in this hell called study mode. Read at your leisure, and as always, "discuss":

1. "Cute white boys are droppin' like flies" - Thembi

First, the cute as a button child star from "The Client", Brad Renfro, was found dead of an apparent overdose. At just 25 years old, his long-time struggle with drugs and alcohol was wide-known. Then Heath Ledger, 28, was found dead on Tuesday, and the cause is still unknown, however sleeping pills and other medications were found near his body. Both great actors, cute white boys, and gone way way before their time. Then, inbetwixt their deaths, footage of Amy Winehouse smoking crack this weekend hit the net.

Yo. Cut the bull-sh*t! It's time to churn out some all new After-School Specials, STAT!!! (I'm sure the WGA will provide a waiver.)

What the hell is going on? I realize drugs and alcohol are nothing new to the showbiz set, but the attitude surrounding these events (that they are newswothy, but the behavior is acceptable, or at least tolerated) have made me quite uneasy about where pop culture is heading (or where we're currently at). I'm happy that Celebrity Rehab has started airing. That ish is real (I honestly don't predict any residents will make a full recovery but at least the attempts seem genuine) and shows the ugly reality of addiction. Not so cute! Every starlet should be forced to watch.

But then on the other hand you have every news station (even the Tennis Channel dude. The world is ending! Paul Mooney said it first!) covering the latest "Britney" sighting and it's just sending the worst mixed signals. Everyone is just waiting for her to drive off a cliff, o.d., or something else horrible. If they really wanted her to make a comeback they'd stop giving in to her need for that toxic (excuse the pun) attention. Sigh. Maybe now that I'm back in LA I'm more sensitive to this ish? Or not. I'll get over myself now.

ps: I was kidding about the Tennis Channel.

2. Is KelleBelle a Heathen, a Hypocrite, or a Whore?

All 3! Jokes. I'm totally not a hypocrite. Sike! (See what I did there?) Ask my last date if I'm the latter of the 3, and he'll definitely reply in a salty tone that I am nowhere near a whore. lol. (Sorry buddy! Just cuz ya bought me dinner...don't mean I owe ya nathan but a hiiigh five! And a peck on the cheek).

But back to the matter at hand. I was at my spinning class today and a country-western song came on by the Dixie Chicks. I'm a fan of the group but this song was a bit too much. I don't recall all of the lyrics but the chorus definitely included "Jesus Christ" somethin' somethin'. When I heard it I literally looked up at myself in the mirror and thought, did they just say...? And then the chorus replayed. Yup, JC all over that b.

I don't know if I was more offended by the uber religious tone of the song or the incredibly annoying twang of the banjo that was playing at super speed. Before I could answer that question I caught myself. Why is it that when a song uses all sorts of misogyny and profanity and b this and b that I'm cool as a cucumber? (not just rap, people -- "Smack my Bitch Up" by Prodigy is a guilty pleasure of mine and great for the gym) But yet these lovely southern belles say something or other about J. Christo and I'm up in arms, about to bring a constitutional law claim against 24 Hour fitness. Clearly I have been studying too long. Anyone else feel me on this? (all my lawyer buds better not even think about posting a comment about the validity of any constitutional claim.)

Anywho, that was way more than my alloted time but y'all are worth it.

Smooches!

KelleBelle

Beards, Merkins, and Murphy, oh my!

With the recent sudden split of Eddie Murphy and Beard extraordinaire Tracy Edmonds (after a commendable 14 days of fake wedded bliss), the term "Beard" has been a frequent topic of discussion. To my surprise, a number of my close friends were not familiar with the term. I have to say most of them did not grow up in American households so I gave the majority of the ig'nant ones a pass...except for one friend who is a Seinfeld die-hard (like me). She gets no pass -- there was an episode where Elaine was a beard and subsequently tried to convert her gay to come over to "our team." The episode was actually entitled "The Beard."

So to inform our readers out there who are still unsure what the term Beard means (let alone Merkin -- who knew?!) I have listed the definition below, taken from Wikipedia (of course):

"In gay slang, a beard is a companion of the opposite sex used to hide a homosexual's sexuality by appearing in public as if the two were a heterosexual couple. The term originated in the mid-1960s[citation needed] and is derived from the notion that a man with a woman on his arm looks more masculine, like a man with a beard. A male companion who accompanies a lesbian is sometimes called a merkin.

In the early years of the gay rights movement, some homophile organizations required members to bring beards with them to meetings, for protection in case the police raided the meeting.[citation needed]

Closeted gay men and lesbians may also take part in this kind of relationship to their mutual advantage. In the past many gay men and lesbians married in order to fit in with heterosexual society; this practice continues today, but less frequently in many countries (particularly in the developed world) where the society has become more accepting of "out" gay men and lesbians.
In the 1920s this type of union was sometimes referred to as a lavender marriage.

This term should not be confused with fag hag."

Famous examples of gays and their beards*:

So...who can give examples of Merkins?

*The Jake and Kelly show is strictly for entertainment purposes. The statements made herein should not be taken as fact. Hear that Scientologists?! Please don't come after me.

KelleBelle goes Hollywood on your asses!

Hello my lovelies!!!

Lord knows where in the hail Jake is, but KelleBelle done moved back to Cali! I am writing you from my house at the beach! Quick question: why in hells bells did KelleBelle ever leave sunny CA? Oh wait, to go to school in that horrid, unstylish, colder than a witches' balls, segregated city called Boston. Then off to Philly for a couple years to get my feet wet in this whole lawyer game and to sow my royal oats. Now, I lurrrve me some Philly and miss my dear friends immensely. But my goodness am I happy to be home! Here are a few reasons why(skipping the obvious: my moms, my friends, my home, etc.) as well as a few downers:


1. Duh, the weather! Like I said, I'm from the beach area and I start almost everyday with a jog on the beach. Did I mention it's January? Yes, chile. Even trips to the gym are sooo much more enjoyable here, and not just because there is a smorgasbord of hotties at the gym at all times (I almost fell off the stairmaster yesterday staring at a young Adonis doing push-ups...yum!). I can just get up and go to the friggin gym! No layering of sweats over workout clothes, then a jacket, then gloves, all to just strip off at the gym and then pile back on post workout. Ugh! (ps: the pic above was taken down the street from my house!)


2. Attitude. Peeps were mad jerky in Boston/Cambridge but I attributed their stankness to being in such a sucky, perpetually behind the style/music times, brutally cold area. But what is up with the attitudes in Philly? It's not even the attitude that New Yorkers give me which is just universally rude and in a constant state of annoyance. Philly peeps (specifically those in customer service/retail sales) were so stank it was ridiculous. Always complaining. Like I made them drop out of CCP and work the late shift at Rite Aid to support their tattoo habit. Buck up! Out here, peeps are sooo nice and peppy! Of course there are jerks everywhere, but all I know is when I go to my neighborhood grocery store (I've always loved the sprawling grocery stores out here too -- they're so big and pretty I can spend days perusing the aisles) I am greeted by everyone with a sunny "Hi!" and everyone seems to be genuinely happy to help me if I need it.


3. Mens. Since I left (back in 2002), whenever I came home for a visit I would almost always meet a dude that I would actually consider dating if we lived in the same city. (If you've been keeping tally, KelleBelle has yet to have a real boyfriend -- jumpoffs do NOT count! -- since her first year in law school.) I mean someone who I could possibly write home about. Okay okay I've met a few dudes on the east coast that under different circumstances I would date seriously but those were very rare occasions (I count one...maybe two). I'm not saying there aren't quality dudes in Philly but it just never happened for me. But out here I have never had a problem meeting a guy that actually has a steady job (appropriate for his age) and is a responsible adult (not to mention taller than me). I'm not saying I've met the "one" out here, but at least there appears to be a wider pool of potentials...

Downers:

1. Traffic. It's a b. It takes twice (at a minimum) the amount of time to get anywhere because there are so many folks on the road. But honestly I can't blame them! I see why so many folks flock here (see above).


2. The vast expanse that is "LA". There is no central part of LA that is a good meeting point for my crew. Everyone lives, works, and shops all over the damn place. So it is such a chore to coordinate nights out...and oh yeah forget about drinking a lot, lest you get saddled with a nice lil DUI. Unlike Philly, you can't just hop in a cab and get home for $5. Here that cab ride will likely be around $50 if you can even get a cab. Oh and last call is usually around 1:30am too. Boo!



3. No one is from here anymore. People stare at me like I'm some kind of alien (no pun intended) when I say I grew up here. Yes, some folks actually are born and raised in LA! Not everyone is from Wyoming like you and finds every bar on Sunset blvd exciting and impressive! Yawn.



4. It's not Philly.

Jake, get your arse out here so we can have a Thin Line Hollywood edition!

KelleBelle

It's about that time...for a Thin Line!

Love

Karma. It's a bitch. And she is vengeful! I always say you get what you give and if Jessica Alba ain't the prime example of that, I don't know who is. Ms. Alba was quoted earlier this year saying very self-hating anti-Latino statements. It was all bad and quite disgusting. I believe she was traded in the Race draft to the caucasians (and she was very happy). Well, didn't you know Karma was listening? Yes chile. Ms. Alba is officially preggers, unwed (the baby daddy is her on/off again loser boyfriend Cash Warren), and young...Looks like Jess couldn't fight her genes! Yup! I said it. Karma, you is one helluva b!

KB, I love my friends. We are a collective mess. My friends say and do the dumbest crap. And I just listen and watch and shake my head and say I told you so. I saw that coming. Then I realize that I say and do the dumbest shit and they just listen and watch and tell me so all along the way. We are all just walking around all fucked up and fucking up. A collective mess. Fucking love you all.

Hate

Jake, I loathe folks who can't get the hint. I really really try to not be a b...but why do some people refuse to get the hint? If I don't tell you huge news about my life (or follow up about a chance to hang), obviously we are not that close, or really, I don't want you that close! You mean nothing to me, therefore you are not privy to any big news. Don't make me be a b...just take the hint! She's (me) just not that into you! (and never was). ps: this applies to more than one person. Sorry Jake, I had to vent.


Jake hates that it is tip time. So many people to tip and so little reason to tip them. I don't know what to do? How much do you tip a secretary that does what I like to call negative work (creates more work for me)? How much do you tip the cover secretary who does no work? Do I have to tip all the doormen, handymen, and concierge? How about the cleaning lady? And the one that really tortures me: does a delivery have to be legal in order to get a tip? I hate it!

Hate to Love


Kelle Belle hates to love Perez Hilton. I have been a daily visitor to his site for years. It is juvenile and evil and nasty...and guess what? I love it! He just premiered his new special on VH1. Hilarious! I love that the one and only celeb to make him speechless was Rihanna! Completely appropriate. I do wish he could get back to his bit-part-on-the-Sopranos-years-ago weight. You can blog from the gym P-Nasty! :) Love you, mean it!



KB, I hate that I love pretty things, people, and places. I swear I sometimes hate having to talk because I am ashamed of the things that will come out. I listen to myself describe people, things, or places and they almost always start out with the most ridiculous reason. Please don't ask me why I am voting for Edwards or why I work where I work or why I live where I live or why I like one person and I don't like the other person. I am pretty sure the answer to all those questions will require the use of the word fat. I hate it, but I love it. I just am it.

Memo to Breeders

Not all gay people like each other. Shocker, but putting two gay guys in a room together does not guarantee an orgasm. Okay, maybe sex is guarenteed, but not a relationship.

I say this after being set up on a blind date recently. This girl who I met a few times and is friends with work friends decided that she new someone who would be great for me. I used to be flattered by such offerings. Afterall, there aren't many guys out there that I would trust one of my nannies with. However, after meeting the guy I realized that when she said I know someone who would be great for you she actually meant I know another gay guy.

Clearly she had not considered whether we would be compatible. At all. I knew it wouldn't work when he told me what he would be wearing. It sounded bad. It looked worse. I saw him and thought to myself oh no, I wonder if he saw me. Maybe if I just walk out I can pretend like this never happened and I can later tell them both that I was abducted by mexicans. But, I didn't.

Being the nice christ-like boy that I am I stuck around. But, I decided not to look directly at him. He wasn't fug, but he wasn't for me. Let's just say that I don't see many us couples running around. Er. I don't wanna see many us couples running around. And, homie was 36. I prefer to get my antiques at yard sales, fanks. And he lived in somebody's Brooklyn. And had dated a woman whilst in his 30s. That ain't even right. I am pretty sure that it takes much longer to get rid of those kooties!

He was really nice though and if I weren't shallow I would have "emailed" him like I said I would. I mean, you know it's not going to work if the other person plans to follow up with an email right? And on that note, motherfuck gmail for just adding him to my contacts list without my consent. I hope he didn't see the status message that read: "you will not set me up with a temp." Oh, and I hope he doesn't read this here blog.

Anywho, I had to get that one off my chest.