Jake's Favorite Thing

is clearly Oprah's favorite things. It's not the things themselves, but the show dedicated to Oprah's favorite things. I have experienced some great things in my live and have witnessed some great things. However, nothing makes me happier than watching people react to Oprah's favorite thing show.

Bless her heart because she always surprises them and they immediately scream, jump, cry, and thank Jesus. The celebration is bigger than a Chad Johnson touchdown, a Red Sox World Series, or a Hillary Clinton primary win. These people go crazy! I get nervous just watching. I get nervous and a bit embarrassed for these people. I just want to say "pull yourself together Blanche!" They are so happy that I feel happy and all Oprah is doing for me is running up my light bill.

Seriously though, the biggest and baddest and most awesome punk'd ever would be if Oprah announced it was her favorite thing show and then say sike!!!

And meanwhile, why is Oprah eating turkey burgers? Here I am fasting at a size 2 and she's running around the country eating fancy turkey burgers. And wearing a mumu. Must be nice.

Tell me you don't love it?

Meanwhile, while Oprah is giving stuff

away Tyra is taping her show literally a block away from me and won't give me tickets. She best not let me catch her on the streets. That's trill.

P.S. I wonder if Oprah still prefers to get her hope in a jar or in an Obama?

Reason #867 Single Women Should Own a Dog

Picture it! I'm home chatting on-line with one of my b's. Suddenly, I hear Kingston growling and barking like MAD. I go check on him and see that someone had left a bouquet of flowers and a plastic bag full of stuff on the ledge of the patio wall!!! WTF? I hop on the side door steps to peep who's outside and see a thin white man in the middle of the street. He yells, "Hi, I used to live across the street 5 years ago. Did you live here 5 years ago?" And I said, "Well, yes I grew up here. But I don't think you have the right person." He says, "There's a note!" I said okay.

Weird central. So I take the bouquet, the bag, and the note inside. What in the fuck. Check the contents of the bag:

1 family size bottle of pinot grigio

1 large bottle of water

1 large can of full throttle energy drink

1 pack of gum

1 8-pack of Hershey's chocolate

Again, what in the fuck!? So then I get to the note. Which says:

"My name is Erik, I used to live here 4 years ago. I would like to get to know you either for sex now and then (F,B) or to be friends and hangout. I did not know what you like so I got a little of everything." - Erik 310-xxx-xxxx

So I immediately think, okay, this dude must have formed some crazy crush on my brother - because he lived here about 5 years ago, not me. And the note is wildly inappropriate for a woman.

Then I heard the front gate open. I let Kingston in the house and he growls like crazy.

I open the front door all hard core like I'm about to whoop someone's ass and then give Kingston the leftovers for dinner. The porch light is on and dude is under the lamp like he's in an interrogation room. I look at him in the eye and see immediately that homey is high as a mofo kite. Eyes completely bloodshot. I have never seen this dude in my life. But he was not in his right mind.

So I say, Hi, I think you have the wrong address, I'd be happy to give you back the flowers and bag of treats. And he said, no these were for you. You lived here years ago right? And I said yes but just to visit, as I was away at school, LAW SCHOOL. I am a PROSECUTOR NOW, doing mostly drug cases. And he says, "Oh wow that's impressive." Total drug thing to say. Then I say well, look I have to be up early for work and thanks for coming by because I was about to call the police and will make that call if I hear any further disturbances.

He apologizes profusely and leaves.

Just as I'm about to call my bro to take a red-eye to LA, I hear the front gate open again.

I'm pissed now. I swing the door open, Kingston in the background ready to have some white meat for dinner. Dude says, I'm sorry again, but I'd like the stuff back. I'm really sorry to keep you up. I said, fine, wait here. I lock the door, get the ish, and go back to the front door. I give him the stuff and say, "I trust this is the end of tonight's activities. If I hear the gate open one more time - for whatever reason - the police will be called and I will let my dog out first." He nods, says he understands, and leaves. But first he says he is a navel academy grad and makes a lot of money.

What the eff?! Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

All I have to say is thank God for my mangey mutt. This isn't the first time he has warned me of danger.

Black Friendly White Boys: Yay or Nay?

One of my best friends from Philly sent me a link to an article about the Valedictorian of Morehouse. Why all the hub bub? Homey is white!

I meant to post about it earlier but I wasn't able to get to it until today...and lo and behold another black friendly white man emerged onto the scene: John Edwards! I always liked him. I mean, what's not to like? He has great hair and amazing teeth. And really, that's all I need to like someone.

But back to the Morehouse story. My friend who sent the link (let's call him "Phil") is a graduate of Morehouse and although quite white-friendly himself, definitely went to Morehouse for the black college experience, which he definitely got. He told me he didn't know how he felt about Morehouse having a white valedictorian. I for one think it's a good thing (don't like it Morehouse bros? Step your game up and don't let it happen again!), but I think it really has to do with said valedictorian's background: his step-father was black and he has mixed step-siblings. This isn't a bamboozled sort of situation as I posted about here: http://jakeandkelly.blogspot.com/2007/10/bamboozled.html

Peep the article about the white Morehouse grad and let us know what you think. http://www.ajc.com/news/content/metro/atlanta/stories/2008/05/11/morehouseman_0512.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab

Now, moving on to Mr. Edwards endorsing Obama...one word: YUM! Can you imagine an Obama/Edwards ticket? Yum to the Yum! They'd tots get the woman/gay vote...and that's like 70% of the popular vote, no? Okay, obvs I'm not going to list the political reasons why I am behind Obama and Edwards but you can infer them on your own. After all, this is an entertainment, gossip, and fuckery blog. Hil-Bil may have gotten the incest vote in W.VA but Obama securing Edwards' support totally overshadowed any lil delegates she got. Snap!

KelleBelle to God: I get it! No more bad reality TV.

Just as my Bobby-Brown-sighting induced nightmares have subsided, God plays a funny lil trick on me.

Picture it: I'm at an Ed Hardy fashion show, cracking on all the horrific ensembles the best of the inland empire had to offer. On my way to the ladies room a lithe young man pulls me close and says, "How you doin'?" Clearly, tryna holla. I replied, "I'm fine! See ya!" And made my way through the crowd. On my way back to my crew, I pass by dude again and this time I look at him straight in the eye. He looks familiar.

I stop, and say, "Do I know you?" And he proceeds to dance around the obvious: he's been on tv. He asks me if I'm an actress and do I attend these kind of events often, clearly trying to deflect attention from his "notoriety." I press him until he finally admits he's an "actor" and has been on a few commercials, and oh, did a reality show. I almost dropped my skinny girl margarita. A-ha!!! Now I know where I know him from! I tell him my name and that I interviewed him about two years ago. For those of you who recently jumped on the KB bandwagon, I used to write a weekly review of a certain VH1 dating show spin-off starring a filthy little muppet nicknamed after a large U.S. city.

A friend of mine happened to have known one of the cast members of the show and arranged the phone call. It was a very popular post and I remember a few things from the interview: dude is very religious, works as a host at Grand Lux Cafe (black folk's Cheesecake Factory as my friend calls it), but is really an actor (no, really).

After we realize we both have each other's phone number (note to self: change phone number) from the prior interview we have a good laugh. And then homey tries to holla some more! I'm like, dude, are you serious? I decided not to break his balls too much and instead said that we wouldn't be a good mesh because he's a christian, and I'm a jew. Well apparently he lost his way since the reality show because dude said he wasn't that religious and we could definitely make it happen. Ha! I rolled my eyes, told him "God Bless," and returned to my crew, firmly believing God has sent me more than enough clues that I need to stop watching horrid reality tv.*

So...who was it?

KB

*The final straw was seeing Snoop Dogg's morbidly obese "play son" Anthony at Jerry's Deli at 3am. There are so many things wrong with this. One, why was he eating at that late of an hour? He is seriously around Star Jones obese. And two, why do I know who he is? Damn you E! and your reality programming!

10 Things I Don't Like About Facebook

So, after meeting with a well respected executive on Friday where he revealed that he and most of his colleagues were on Facebook, I finally joined. Actually, I joined the damn thing 3 years ago when I was still a grad student (just to get access to some scandalous pictures of a classmate that were all the talk on the law school campus) but only logged in once, to check said hoochie's pictures. I decided to make my on-line home Myspace because the majority of people I was actually friends with were on there.

I put "effort" into my Myspace page. And by effort I mean I uploaded pictures and chose a theme song. I refused to join FB just because I rarely go onto Myspace so why join FB? But after my convo with exec dude, I realized I had to keep up with the on-line Jones'. So off I went to Facebook.

Snooze and a half. I really don't like it. Here's why:

1. There are way too many people on Facebook. Why is this a bad thing? See #2.

2. My childhood friend's father sent me a friend request.*

3. Way too many people that I have been trying my hardest to avoid since leaving: high school, L.A., college, law school, are on Facebook. Why is this a problem? See #4.

4. The "Friend finder" makes me way too accessible! Even after I put up the san quentin of privacy settings, an old college teammate sent me a request! 6 years of dodging this person went down the drain after being on FB for 30 min.

5. Facebook makes the world too small. Call me crazy, but I like a lil' distance between me and the scary co-worker that was forcibly removed from his office after child-porn was found on his computer.

6. Too much fuckery and tomfoolery. What the eff is a "cupcake"? or a "drink"? I never heard of a Jesse Mulroney cocktail. Clearly I am not hep to the FB lingo and I really couldn't care less if I ever am. And what the hell is a "wall"? Just say post a comment!

7. Don't poke me unless you want to start some grown folk business. I'm sorry but poking somebody just sounds dirty!

8. Mini-feeds. So that's the equivalent of seeing what someone has done lately to their page? Say that then! Don't make my jerk friend from high school's action of changing his profile pic from him smoking a j at Disneyworld to him doing a keg stand in the parking lot of Six Flags a "story."

9. Tagging photos is too easy. Um, you know what Facebook? I'd like to keep that pic of me in a bikini on vacay with my girls from law school a little harder to find, k? At least on myspace you have to make a bit of an effort to tag someone in a photo. Which explains why I haven't done it.

10. My childhood friend's father requested me as a friend.

* I haven't spoken to this friend in over 15 years. I vividly remember giving pops the side-eye on more than one occassion when I caught a creepy vibe.

If I Were Queen

Remember this day kids. I am officially a fan of Sean "Puff Daddy" "Diddy" "Swole Jaw" "Multiple Baby Daddy" Combs. I'm still not a big fan of his solos, I'm not convinced of his acting skills, nor will you ever catch KB in any of his women's wear. But I am a fan of him overall. Officially.

First, I must admit that a few weeks ago, unbeknownst to most of you (due to pride and shame), I got turned out on Making the Band! I never watched the show before, but a few friends of mine are die-hard fans. I watched the two hour finale with them, and as the credits rolled I was on-line looking for tickets for the MTB tour. I kid you not.

I was counting down the days til I could download Donnie Klang's single! Danity Kane's "Damaged" came on in the club a couple weekends ago and ya girl KB was on the dance floor like a damn reject from Girlicious. Just shakin' it uncontrollably. And let's not even get to my crushes within Day 26, Diddy's boy band.

But why am I choosing today as the day to come out as a fan of Bad Boy's patriarch? Four words: If I Were King.

It's an uber egotistical, over-dramatic, hour and a half-long advertisement for Sean John. (I'm sure it'll repeat on MTV a thousand times so no worry if you missed it tonight.) And I realize it's well scripted and planned out, but I can't hate on his skills nor his drive. Because he was doing all sorts of Making the Band amazingness (and making a cameo with his numerous children) while preparing for Fashion Week 08. That's what I call hustle. But yo, real talk: seeing how he stuck to his vision of having an all-black runway was incredible. "Are you trying to undermine me? ...No? Then why do I see white faces?" Awesome.

Much more fulfilling than J.Lo's fashion line mini-doc a few years ago where the highlight of the show was her demand for "more baby hair!" on the models.

Well done, Diddy.

KB

ps: Diddy's Chinese/Black designer/right hand man can call me!

Tragic Mulattos, Tyra Style

Leave it to Tyra to bring back the Paper Bag Test.

My friend Derrick went to a taping of the Tyra show today. The topic: "Do light skinned blacks have an advantage over dark skinned blacks." His ex-gf was on the show as one of the light skinned chicks that gets mistaken for white. Or some fuckery like that. The show sounds crazy. I'm usually not a Tyra talk show watcher, but obvs, this is right up my light skinned alley. I can't wait to see it! (Airing late March/early April)

Here's the scoop directly from Derrick:

So, the Tyra show was wild. There were only 3 guys in the audience. In fact, it was so good, Tyra said afterwards they may do a part 2.

They seated us by skin color. Light skinned up top. Dark lower down. Brown on the other side. They passed out paper bags to everyone.

She started with 5 women on stage from chocolate to white. The whitest one was my ex Lisa. No one believed she was black. So all the women talked about their experience and what people called them. Damn, y'all women are cold. The light women were saying that dark women disliked them almost immediately, assuming they were stuck up.

Then they had 5 different women come out and tell their story...one of them, a light skinned woman, was saying she did have advantages. Her dark skinned sister was in the audience. She was much darker (same mother different father) and she was saying how she resented all the favoritism her family showed the lighter sister (who was a model previously and now doing her PhD at an ivy league school). The lighter sister didn't know she felt that way. Tears all around later.

One light skinned sister on stage said she didn't like dark skinned women....said she was so much better looking and dark skinned sisters hated her cuz she had good long hair. The audience booed. Then she said she wouldn't let her son (12 years old) date a dark sister. The joint went crazy! Tyra went off on the light skinned sister who said she wouldn't let her son date some "darkie". Hell, she said "they ('darkies') were just jealous of her long hair and fine features...cuz I ain't got a big nose and fat lips." Oh, did i mention her son was sitting right next to her? He was like, "moms is wrong...I like all women."

Then there were 2 brothers who came out. One just liked light women (he was light). The other liked dark sisters. He was darker. The brother who just liked light skinned women got booed. The brother who said he like dark skinned sisters got cheered until tyra asked him why. His answer...wait for it...wait...

"Dark skinned sisters are easier to get with."

The cheers kinda died out at that point. We are some fucked up people.

Oh shit, I almost forgot, they had 5 models up there. From dark to light. I recognized one as a plus sized model from ANTM. Chocolate sister with big eyes. yum. Anyway, she was saying that being dark wasn't a disadvantage as a plus size model for her in the states, but for the skinny models, it was.

There was one that looked straight up white, and she said, yeah, being light was an advantage and other one said that she found herself overcompensating, using more slang or whatever to make it clear she was black. Tho she said that usually black people could tell...only white people were surprised.

And at the end, we all held up these brown paper bags they'd given us...crumpled them up and threw them away. The entire front row threw them at the crazy chick who forbade her son from dating "darkies."

I couldn't make this shit up if you paid me.

My So-Called Quarter Life Crisis

Picture it: I'm at the most random, non-descript hole in the wall Irish bar in the Valley (somewhere north of LA) for St. Paddy's Day. And who do I run into?

You guessed it...Bobby Mutha-f*ckin Brown!

True story: when I first drove by the bar (and saw a sole black man amongst a swarm of drunken white folk) I thought, "hmm that guy looked like a poor man's Bobby Brown."

I have the pictures to prove it. I was laughing uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Here's the thing: when you run into Bobby "do-do" Brown at a bar in the middle of the Valley on a weekday afternoon, you can't help but question your life's purpose. It's time to really think things through.

Kids, KelleBelle had a quarter-life (okay, I'm two years past) crisis. Real talk: After you see Bobby Brown, you really start thinking about the direction your life is heading. If you don't believe me, come on out for a visit and I'll arrange a run-in and see if you don't have the same life-changing experience! I hear he's making an in-store appearance at the Wal-Mart in Carson next week.

I'll tell you one thing: you will not find KB in the valley nan time soon! B/c if I dare run into Bobby B, Ralph Macchio, Corey Feldman, Ray-J, etc. It's a wrap. I'm moving back to the East Coast! No chance of running into an F list celebrity at a dive bar in South Philly.

Jake, you still have that Tony Robbins DVD? I may need to peep it.

Damn a Recession, It's a Depression!

While most of the nation is discussing the prospects that the economy is in or headed towards a recession, those in the know say that the economy is beyond a recession and headed for a depression. Yikes!

Just think we are about to become our grandparents! Can you imagine? Well in these uncertain times you have make changes. So, in anticipation of the depression I began to think: what us gone do? What us gone eat? So, I came up with a list. Here are my top 10 foods to get you through a depression!

10. Flour. It's cheap and you can do so much with it. You make pancakes, bread, biscuits, stuff for breakfast, stuff for lunch, and stuff for dinner. Flexibility is key in the depression.

9. Box Mac & Cheese. First, everyone loves mac & cheese. Second, it can cost less than a dollar a box!

8. Spam. Gross, but cheap.

7. Vienna Sausages. Not as bad as spam and even cheaper. Gotta have meats.

Interlude: Give me a beat (sidenote, I listen to aol.music.com and listen to only the All Mariah and All Janet stations and NOTHING gets me going like a good ole fashioned "GIMME A BEAT!!!!" I never know when it's going to happen but when it does my heart skips a beat.)

6. Beans. Beans. They're good for your heart.

5. Rice. Just get big buckets of it like the Puerto Ricans.

4. Oatmeal. Umm, yum. It's healthy, delicious, and cheap.

3. Potatoes. Everyone loves a french fry, but there are many ways to make a potatoe.

2. Ramen Noodles. Right. Not just for your doorm room.

1. FREE FOOD! Tips for free food?

-samples at the grocery store
-soup kitchen
-start babysitting, petsitting, plantsitting, etc.
-go to all those luncheons, dinners, and talks where they provide a meal
-eat all the stuff you did as a kid: glue, paste, paper, crayons, mud pies, white out, etc.
-host pot luck dinners

There it is! Now everyone go to the store and stock up!

Cookies and Milk for the Soul v. 2.0

So from time to time I cheat on my gay husband and chat with straight dudes. Please find below a very interesting unedited real convo between me and a male friend of mine* about monogamy, male sexuality, the recent Spitzer prostituion ring fiasco, and what makes sex memorable. What do you think about what he had to say?

*names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Derrick: reality shows?

me: ain't nothin' else on! my next post is going to be about male sexuality

Derrick: oh my

me: I can't ignore the spitzer craziness

Derrick: something about which you know nothing

me: lol my blogging partner does!

Derrick: ah give spitzer a break

me: and he's gay!

Derrick: lol

me: give him a break?I'm not so peeved that he cheatedI'm peeved that he spent all that money!

Derrick: yeah...male identity is 80% estrogen based

me: we are on the brink of a recession

Derrick: sigh...his dick doesn't care bout that

me: go to a club and get a drunk b for free on the let out

Derrick: sigh...listen

me: lol that's a lot of sighing

Derrick: men only know who we are by based on our efforts to get ass

our clothes car career hang out spots all determined by what kind of woman we want

a man in his position can't be himself cuz 1. he's married and 2. cheating puts you in a real vulnerable spot. so, you pay for ass, get to re-establish ur identityit's ugly, but human nature always is

me: I think you need to make a guest blogging appearance

Derrick: lol

me: do you mind if I use some of this?I won't use your real name

Derrick: naw, use it all

me: I'll call you "Derrick"lol!

Derrick: hey, i love writing and talking shit

me: I think we need a straight male voice

Derrick: don't let me get started on ur boy obama

KelleBelle had to take a phone call...

Derrick: did you miss me terribly? since your offline, I'll give you my thoughts on Spitzer... The dumbest thing I've heard come out of this whole thing is people asking "why?" As in, "Why would he throw his career away? ... Why would he take such a risk? Why didn't he think he would get caught?"

me: continue

Derrick: k...let me see, last I checked, the (now former) Governor was married and male. And there is no situation in life more identity sapping then that, particularly for a guy like Spitzer...

me: marriage? saps your identity?

Derrick: Oh God yes... I mean, he's a driven guy, a type A personalityGetting married doesn't just add husband to your list of identies ...lawyer, man, husband, father, etc..11:42 AM for a guy like spitzer it takes away the option of exploring new frontiers
You can't live where you want to livego out when or where you want

me: but didn't he choose that? why get married then

Derrick: it's not just the responsibility, it's the need compromise

me: why go to (my) law school?

if you want to be a hipster?

Derrick: ahhhh...good question. maybe he shouldn't have gotten married, but he dids o, he finds himself having to compromise day in and day out

even worse...he's like alexander crying cuz there are no new worlds to conquer and most type A personalities love women

unlike a lot of men who simply love getting their dick wet

they love the way they taste, they way they smell, they way they sound and move

me: wow

Derrick: and there is nothing more intoxicating than exploring a new woman

me: you need to have your own Dr. Derrick show

Derrick: learning how she likes to be touched

me: for the infedility set

lol

Derrick: what makes her moan or growl
lol
married men are supposed to give that all up

me: what about exploring your wife in a new way? lol

Derrick: sigh

me: never mind that sounds boring

Derrick: yeah

me: lol

Derrick: yep

me: haha

Derrick: cuz no matter what, she's still her
you know her
There is a thrill to being able to make a woman cum...but even that loses it's charge after you figure out how to do it in about 45 seconds
I've been with several hunderd women in my life and to be honest, I can count on 1 hand the number who felt differentlyI don't remember what the nanna felt like

but I remember, almost without exception, the look on their faces when they leaned up to kiss me and the way they tasted and I can still close my eyes and feel teh heat coming through their panties
but most of all, i can still feel the charge I felt when I found that spot on the back of her neck or the inside of her thigh
the spot that made her breathing stop for a moment and her back arch
THAT is what you remember...that is what makes sex memorable
and that charge evaporates after awhile, no matter how good the relationship is
Driven men are driven in everyway...particularly politicians I'd say
they are pros at relating to people, at figuring them out...they get a charge out of it .
their sex life reflects thata nd no amount of risk will deny them so endeth the lesson. lol

me: my word
you been needing to vent? or do you speak like this to all of your friends? I'm happy you did
I never get the straight male perspective
this is going to be a hell of a post!

thanks for the insight

Derrick: lol my pleasure

me: and the tip to never ever date a politician!
or anyone driven
losers here I come!

Derrick: true dat

me: jk

Derrick: just take a look at the mayor of my hometwon, detroit

me: oh jeez!!! that dude

Derrick: kennedy
clinton

me: yeah

Derrick: Gary Hart

me: I wish Hilary's side ho would come out

Derrick: lol not till after the election

me: you know she has some lipstick lez on the side

Derrick: wouldn't blame her...tho for all we know, she is turning ya boy bill out with a strap on
lol i just don't see the point of life long monogomy