Ya better axe about me!

Cuz I'm a what? A hustler, baby.

I've been a "professional" (in the Ivy League, not Hollywood Blvd., sense) for awhile, but yet I often wish I had just a lil' bit more money for those unaccounted for expenses (ie. gas money!, that special finger wave, steve madden boots, emergency bikini wax, bail money, etc.) that come up from time to time. So, in Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I couldn't help but wonder, what's a good side hustle these days?

5. Slangin'. Nuff said.

4. Hair stylist. I've been known to weave up some good ish for myself and others when there are no other options available...like my three years in Boston. Do they even teach sophisticated hair techniques at beauty schools in Mass.? It seemed like all my b's had to schlep to NYC (or my dorm room) to get a decent updo or extenstions.
3. Exercise class instructor. I have been approached by more than one (okay two) spinning instructors to teach a class or three. Apparently it's great part-time money and you kill two birds with one stone (work out and get paid!). More importantly, you get to be a DJ for an hour!

2. Babysitting. I sincerely love the kids...And I really love giving them back to their duly court appointed guardians/dna-test proven parents. I nannied my way through high school, college, and law school, just because personally I like it. It's one of my many gifts. However, many peeps don't share the gift. Most would get busted by second 14 in the nanny cam. But if you do really love the kids, this is a great option to earn some quick cash.

1. Blogging. Although I would absolutely love to actually get paid for posting random bitch sessions betwixt Jake and I, it's not likely to produce adequate side hustle money. As much as you think the top bloggers get paid, it's still not that much money! Why? Look to legal (sorry).

Jake Takes on Wii

So, I finally jumped in on all the Wii craziness and went and got one! Well, actually I got 2 because the first bundle didn't have Wii Fit, which is all the rave these days. Sidenote, I don't know what my problem is! I do shit just to stay relevant. I got the xbox 360 because I thought it was a cultural necessity only to find out that the Wii is where it's at. I went to see SATC not because I was ever a fan of the show, but because I everyone else was doing it. I think there's an evil puppetmaster that is directing my life. Perhaps, its Diddy? Oprah? Ryan Seacrest? I don't know, but...

The Wii Fit

Is a motherfucking bitch! Since my wii fit was taking too long tto arrive I decided to test out my boyfriend's wii. I tried it during a good time as I was really feeling myself. I had just done 2 fasts and 2 colonics, could fit my 30w gogetem jeans (uncomfortably, but I could get them on), and had received several compliments about the re-me (not new cause I've been here before). So, it was one of those rare moments where I didn't think I was fat.

Then I got on the Wii fit and it told me that my BMI was normal and only 1 point away from perfect. I am like sweet! But, that fascist robomidget wasn't done. He wants me to be perfect, which turns out to mean that I should lose 8 lbs. Struups. Where is this 8lbs gonna come from? I usually agree that one can almost always be thinner, but I think it's discretionary, not mandatory. Geez. I am all fasted out, can't take anymore pills, and refuse to stick anything up my bum anytime soon. I drank juice and ate leaves for a week, so there's no more dieting in me Wii. I hate you, suck it.



Then my Wii Fit finally arrived! The Wii Fit that I had stayed up until 2:30 am trying to track down, the Wii Fit that I bought for like $500 because it only came in a bundle (even though I had just spent $400 on a different Wii bundle), and the Wii Fit that I just had to fucking have by any means necessary. Yup, it arrived. Finally!

I put that bitch in the corner and haven't opened it yet. And, I see the way it looks at me when I walk by too. With disdain, with judgment, with disgust even. It's as if my BF's Fit had communicated to my Fit that I was supposed to have lost 8lbs by now. The problem is that the first Wii fucked me up so much that I have been eating my feelings, so I prolly need to lose like 20lbs now. The last thing I need is to have a personal trainor who can't be reasoned with moving into my studio apartment telling me what to do. Nobody tells me what to do! Okay, Wii Fit can stay in that there box until he is ready to either start paying bills or cut me some slack.

It's crazy. Wii Fit has taken over my life. I am not even using it and it's controlling me. I have seen that little fucker cuss bitches out too. He asks where you have been, yells at you for not following directions, and will even talk about you behind your back. Truth be told, if I could take him to a bar, we'd be bestis. But, for now he needs to be put in his place.



So, tonight I am laying down the law. I am going to introduce Mr. Fit to ebay.com and then to the trash chute. Then I am going to the gym, taking a laxative, stripping naked and getting on my Wii Fit. See how he acts now! Runtellday Mr. Wiiiii Fit.

Funny sidenote. I am such a bitch that I once took it out and set it up so that my fried could get on it. I wasn't going anywhere near it, but I told her she would love it! I totally tried to set her up. I felt guilty about it, but not really. You gots to watch out for people like me! I will make wii fit do my dirty work. We would be good together, but I bet he's fat.

You Do the Math...

...the mainly picture blog. What happens when you put the following things together?

and...




and...

and...

and...

with a library that is predominantly made up of artists like: Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, Aaliyah, and Beyonce?

Let's just say I had to close my blinds so the folk at the law firm across the street couldn't see what goes on up in here. My office is pretty big too. 5, 6, 7, 8...

Ironically, I love it!

During the course of today's events I realized there are two things that I like that are silly.

First, I love it when people invite me to things when they either don't expect me to attend, don't really want me to attend, or know that I cannot attend. Well, unless it's like tickets to see the MiMz in concert. I like invitations, but I don't like doing things. So, a false invitation to me is not an insult, but a gift. But, make sure I know it's a false invite to avoid an uncomfortable situation for all, thanks. By all means please send me invites to events in California or Baltimore.

Second thing I love? I love it when someone gets on the escalator and stands on the left side and block people from walking up. Why? Because I don't want to walk up, but I feel too guilty just standing on the right. I am always afraid that people will judge me for standing. There's just no reason for someone of my age and health to be standing there. So, when someone blocks the walking side I stand on the left and look anxiously like I want whoever to move, but secretly I am cheering them on.

The funny thing is that it's usually some ghetto black chick blocking the walkway and no one is bold enough to say anything to them. I know I'm not. The last thing I need to get cussed out first thing in the morning before I even get to work. And, I definitely don't need to be caught cussing someone out by someone from work cause the only way to fight ghetto is with what? Ghetto (with a little gay flare of course). And who needs a scene like that?

I might have issues.

Thin Line - Sex and The City Edition

After a few readers asked me to post about the Sex and The City movie, I couldn't help but wonder: why not make a special SATC thin line edition?

Love



To be honest Jake, I didn't love the movie. I give it an "eh". What I did love was the entire production of going to the movie. Groups of gals all over the country got together and made a huge event out of it. I think any movie that can bring girlfriends together like that is a good thing, even if the movie itself is just aiight. The cosmos before, during (yes, during), and after the movie were fantastic though!

Hmmm. Love, KB? I must say that Jake loved that they all looked so great and didn't seem to age one bit. I appreciate that they got in shape and pulled it together because God knows I had seen some really bad photos of a few of them during their time off (particularly Miranda). I thought SJP's body was sick! I was in awe. I love you SJP...let's work out together! Oh, and I heart me some Charlotte.

Hate

I hated that besides Samantha, all of the characters worked through the same ol' problems and hang-ups that plagued them time and time again throughout the show. It was quite disappointing to see them confront the same issues that I thought were resolved in the show, and in the end the moral of the story was essentially: you're too old (and haggard! damn those b's aged.*) to land anyone else so just accept whatever scraps he gives you. Boo.

Jake hated Jennifer Hudson. Grrr. What is the all the rage about with her? I thought she was bad in Dreamgirls and even worser in SATC. Each scene with her made me sad. Perhaps it's the chemistry between the rest of them that made her stand out? I don't know, but if you are going to be chubbers you better be great! There are about 50 pretty chicks that could done what she did and perhaps added to the whole fashion aspect of the movie.

I also hated all the attention on Miranda and her business. I was so over all of it. I also hated all the lonely, lifeless bitches who were so excited about this movie. They got all dressed up, clapped when it came on, clapped during scenes, and applauded once it ended. I was like you all need a life and stop living through these bitches and their problems from the nineties. Then when the lights came on I realized that these were all fat bitches and they were alle ating popcorn and watching the movie. Would Carrie or Samantha or Charlotte have popcorn at a movie? Nope. Why am I so mean? Oh, and one last thing. I hated that Samantha didn't screw the neighbor. You gots to get it girl!

Hate that I Love



Jake, I hate that I still love Sex and the City! I'm tots going to see the movie again. And not just because I was quite tipsy and don't remember every detail. But because despite all of their faults, I love those broads!

I'd like to see more girlfriend themed movies. Who do I need to speak to about a Golden Girls movie? Or Waiting to Exhale 2? I'd even take a Living Single straight to DVD joint. Make some calls...thanks!

*Samantha looked the best IMO. The dudes didn't fare so well in the aging gracefully area either. Smith Jarret gave me nothing, and Steve looked like he aged 13 years, not 3. I bet the cast of Waiting to Exhale 2 would look just as fierce as they did 15 years ago.

Oh, KB, where do I begin? First, Waiting to Exhale would include Whitney Houston and she has aged times 3 since then. Although, crackheads do seem to have superhuman powers, so maybe. Second, I would be first in line for the Golden Girl's movie at 12:01, but can they even stay awake long enough to complete a scene? Third, I want a Girlfriends movie including Toni Childs who is my favorite TV character in the history of TV. I believe her character is loosly based on me. Fourth, did you see SJP's legs? Her abs? Check alladat out during your second viewing.

Meanwhile, I hate the I loved the ending. At first I was like ugh, do we have to have a happy fucking ending and why do you have to keep going back to this dude? Then I realized that they were just keeping it real. I am a very forgiving person and I never get those folk who throw away relationships based on what they think they are sposed to do as opposed to how they really feel. So, in that sense I loved it. But, I kinda hated it too.

I'm Coming Out

No, not of anybody's closet either, but kinda. Anyone who knows me knows that I suffer from AD (Acronyms Disease) because I have RLS, IBS, ADD, OCD, TB, REM. You know the works, except for the big diseases with the little name. Anyhoo, amongst my many ailments is SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Me and the winter just don't get along. I am a tropical peoples and so when it's cold outside I am like a fish out of water. I become mean, boring, and ugly. But I, button, am none of those things in real life. I am feeling very pink, yet lavender.

This past winter was a particularly rough one, and so I have swung back in the other direction and I can't handle it. I think I had all this repressed gayness and general ridiculousness that is bursting out. Do you know what it feels like to wanna go outside, but can't? To wanna sing and have it beat outcha? Well, summertime is here and things gone be changing.

I have been oozing with gayness the past few days. I have defrosted. Gone is the frigid bitch and back is the Jake. You know, the Jake you all love, hate, love to hate, hate to love, but still stick around because...well I don't know why really. I can hardly deal with myself really, which is why I stay intoxicated, but I digress.

It's too much. I have become an infinigay (infinitely gay: in, around and throughout). It's like I have a hormonal imbalance or something and I swear I am one sunny day away from a sun dress. I kid you (but I don't). I mean I am already rocking the murse that I bought in October, but haven't had the balls to carry. Now, not only do I carry it, I carry it in the most gayest way possible. Sometimes, just for the effect. It's like a lil tote. One could grab the handle with his hands or one can slide it down his arm and let it hang therefrom with forearm bent upwards or outwards. Eitherwhichway, it's gay, gay, gay.

I think I'll be back to normal soon. Normal me is playfully gay, but butch around the edges. Giggles. I can use the stability that's for sure.

UPDATE: 10 Things I don't like about Facebook...

...and a few things I do!

Alright before all you Facebook maniacs go nuts, keep it together. I'm still not a huge fan, but I will admit, Facebook is growing on me. In KB fashion, I will explain why via a list:

1. It is much neater, cleaner, safer, and non-threatening than Myspace. I hadn't been on Myspace in awhile and when I returned I was horrified to see some of the shenanigans that were going on. All sorts of inappropriateness including awfully obscene profile pictures, names, and annoying artist-types hawking their latest attempt to break into the music/film/party scene. I had to wash my face with scalding hot water to cleanse the filth that I witnessed while on a friend's page simply to wish him a happy birthday. My word.

2. You find out you have things in common with folks you previously wrote off. This is easy on FB because of those damn mini-feeds and crap that I previously complained about. I still find them annoying but they are also a good tool to learn things about people that you would normally not know or care to find out. Like having the same evening plans of eating cupcakes and watching anything on Bravo.

New things I don't like:

1. Applications. I don't like or trust them. Just because my friend added me as one of her Entourage (FB speak for "Top Friends") doesn't mean I want to have the application and hand over all my personal information to the maker of such an application. It's not fair. If I don't add it, my friend can't include my lil pic in hers? That's foul. And pushy. Meanwhile, I wonder if there is a Main B's application...

2. Feelings can still get hurt! Um, when I add you as a friend, I mean it. So when I send a message I expect a reply. The nerve! Just for that I'm definitely snubbing you the next time I see you in person and you want to look cool by chatting with KB and her bevy of beauties that make up her real-life entourage. ...Next!

Thin Line Anyone?

What do you say KB? A lil thin line for old time's sake?

Jake, that sounds like an amazing idea! Let's keep it up for the summertime. =)

Love

I love the NBA playoffs. While I am a big sports fan I am not a huge basketball fan both in denial of my gayness and my blackness. That being said I do enjoy the NBA playoffs. I watch other sports because I like them, but I watch basketball because basketball players are hizot. None are hotter than Kobe of course, but in general it's like dayum. There's Kobe, Chris Paul, Tony Parker, Mike Bibby, Allen Iverson, and so many more. Although, there is also Sam Cassel who might be one of the ugliest people evers. Bless his heart.

Jake, I agree with all of your hotties sans for Mike B. He looks way too similar to bat boy. Not a good look. Meanwhile, I LOVE WorkOut on Bravo. The trainers are a hot mess! The bulimic Angelina Jolie look-alike is a tragic but good soul. Greg is RIDICULOUSLY yummy*, the southern gent who is going down a horrible path makes me momentarily sad but I hate him nonetheless, the bi-sexual nymph who is always up to no good is hilarious, and the new weavealicious office manager (aka receptionist) who doubles as a spy for Jackie give me everything! I love Top Chef too but at least WorkOut makes me want to get in the gym and not in the kitchen.

Hate

Gays who hate gays.

Seriously KB, what is a flamboyant gay really? Can a gay be gayer than another gay? I mean there are tops and there are bottoms, but both are going to hell. And since when is it desirable to "act straight"? As far as I am concerned there is only one way to act straight and I am pretty sure you can get the kooties from it. Let's be real.

Jake, I hate haters. Honestly, I think I am at an age where it's not cool nor cute to be mean or evil just for fun. Mean Girls was based on high school girls. Not grown ass women. I sincerely wish just about everyone the best and hope everyone returns the favor. I know some folks are still evil-wishers but Karma is a B. And you look better if you are nice and optimistic. :) Trust.

Hate that I love

Janet Jackson's What Have you done for me Lately. I know, it's an oldie...but it's definitely a goodie. I can replay the intro over and over and over and over again. It goes like this:

Chick: I mean what's up with this guy do you really like him?

Janet: Yes girl, he is fine, I love him, he does a lotta nice thingsss (slights dragging of the s) for me.

Okay, so maybe you have to listen to it, but I promise you that it's hilarious. I can't stand it. I love you Janet, call me!

-Jake

Jake, you are a mess. I love Janet too. But really for her latest disc! "Feedback" makes me go WILD! Regardless if it is on the dancefloor, in spinning class, in my car, at home, walking the dog, in church. And so many different versions! And "Rock with U" is soooo good too! So smooth. Def on the baby-making playlist. Thank goodness for Janet J. Can you believe that B is 42? I mean, what in the f*ck? So I have 15 years to get that 6-pack? Cool.

-KB

*I swore I saw Greg at a party in Hollywood last night! I stared at this poor dude for 15 minutes before I realized he was a poor man's version standing in a spot light. I have discovered that most people look special in a spotlight.

The Great Fast of 2008

That's right bitches. I completed a 3 day fast where I drank 6 juices a day with water in between. It's called the Blueprint Cleanse. Loves it. It's supposed to clean the toxins out of body, which you know I need because I am what? Toxic! (that was so cheesy, but I am so going to giggle on that for days to come). But, I am either not as toxic as I thought or this fast is a joke or I am confused as to how the cleanse rids me of my toxins. I will leave it at that.

But, I just had my final juice. They weren't bad. Not bad at all. But then again the whole process wasn't bad for me. All my friends have been so concerned about me and questioning my ability to last 3 days. Truth be told, I myself was a bit concerned. Then I realized that I have flat out forgotten to eat for more than three days and the only thing that tastes better to me than a cheeseburger is a bacon cheeseburger with fries and that can only be topped by hunger pains.

Let's face it, I am a big ole gay. Or, as my good good girlfriend Fern Mayo would say- a Chelsea gay. Walking around hungry is like being on the runways of Milan. My biggest problem with the fast was remembering to drink the juice, not so much resisting food. In fact, I found 6 juices to be a bit excessive.

Anywhoots, I win, they lose. Fast is complete. How does my skin look? Wait, wait...tell me after my colonic.

Love you, mean it!

Also, turns out I lost like 10lbs. And no, I don't weigh less than a 100lbs now, but close.

Picture it!!!

New York, 2008. I am minding my own business...as I am known to do.

My boyfriend invites me to a happy hour at a bar with people from his firm. Of course I said no. As if I am going outside late at night to hang out with lawyer types. I do love a bar and especially an open bar but lawyers in bars is like a pig in a parlor. Or more like a roach in a restaurant- you hate to see them but they are almost always there. All that being said, I can't resist an open bar that's a stones throw away from my apartment. I am not completely retarded. And, let's face it- you can pretty much get me to do anything if it's near my apartment. Fortunately for me, almost everything is near my apartment. It's true.

Anyways...I go to the party with the lawyer types. Not only are they lawyers, but they are pretty much my least favorite types of lawyers. I love my guy, but his firm is filled with burn-outs, wannabes, and weirdos. But whatevs.

These things are usually filled with weird white dudes and a few desperate chicks trying to drink themselves into someone's bed. This night was no exception, except that mid-way through these bougie black chicks roll through what is essentially a dive bar. You can see the disgust in their face. They kind of walk around and get a feel for the place and then get a drink. In that time I was able to correctly guess two things about them: (1) Columbia Law grads (and probably by way of Spellman) and (2) they are drinking champagne. Okay, so I only correctly guessed 1, but I wasn't surprised to find out about two.

Well, as the night would progress I began to feel uncomfortable. And no, it wasn't because I was surrounded by ugly people, but that didn't help my comfort level. It became clear that I had to talk to these girls. They are black, I am black, and if I don't talk to them they will be talking about me. I don't make the rules, I just follow them. I could sense the tension and I was feeling increasingly guilty.

I tried to act normal but then I noticed that they were circling me and eventually...they came in for the kill. They approach my boyfriend whom they do know and he, of course, is absolutely delighted to introduce them to his boyfriend. There was a sigh, a wimper, and an honest to God outloud desperation "nooo." He dangled me in front of them and then snatched me back. And surprisingly, they felt the loss. It was as if I was their last shot at love. I imagine that for most black women the next single black man they meet is always their last chance. Within seconds they were gone.

This shit is funny. If you could have heard the "nooo" you could get a sense of the plight of the black woman. None of this was about me, but about black men in general. Who knows when those poor girls are going to come across another employed black man, let alone a professional one that's not married.

I felt so bad I actually wanted to slap my boyfriend and knock up one of those girls on GP. I mean it's a double fucking wammy. I'm gay and dating a white boy, but Churl, if you think it's difficult to find an employed straight black man, imagine what it's like to find a gay black man that doesn't work at H&M. I was angry at him as if he had committed a wrong against my people. He doesn't know the politics of that whole interaction. He doesn't know what is like! Although, you just wait until we find ourselves in front of the next desperate group of Jewish girls. Mmm hmm.

Sigh. Sorry ladies. It's not personal, it's business. It's your business actually. Ewww. But, they were so cute. I just wanted to put them on my list of single women that I have to find a man for, but that list is long and I haven't met a single straight man let alone single straight black man since like high school.

If it's any consolation to all you black women out there: I would have never married a white woman! That's trill.