Dream Weaver

Have you ever had a crazy dream about a friend and then ponder for days what it meant? I don't. My most recent dream involved me starting a forest fire in the Washington woods while being haunted with a bone-chilling fear of a bad weave. Real talk: that was my dream on Wednesday. Anywho, my main b had a dream involving yours truly on Thursday night. Take a stab at guessing what it "means" and get ready for some laughs.

elaine: girl, i had the weirdest dream about you and me

me: spill it!

elaine: it seems like you and i were away somewhere together. it looked like some sort of resort that had a humoungous pool that went around the resort. it was weird.

I think la la (elaine's daughter's nick name) was there b/c it was more like a kid's resort. Anyway you and i were walking around the pool. we both had bathing suits on (or so i thought -more on that later.) I had a towel around my waist. Then we get on an elevator and this paralegal from my job is on the elevator as well.

My towel drops and to my and your surprise, I had no bottom piece on.

me:HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THAT'S GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm trying to see the seinfeld tie. There has to be

elaine: i quickly pull up my towel and the whole time i'm fretting think that alan (paralegal dude) saw my ...uhh...nether regions.

but here's the kicker. he gets off the elevator and i'm mortified. so i say to you, kelly, he didn't see anything right? i pulled up my towel quickly enough right?i was clearly seeking reassurance from you.

But you say,to paraphrase, "yeah, he saw. i saw his eyes pop out of the head. and forget about that, what's up with all that bush you got down there. wtf?"

I look down and i realized how out of control it was. i was sooooo embarrased. let me tell you, in my dream, i was praying that it was a dream. i felt so ashamed and you my dear, were no help at all! but i was ashamed not so much that he saw me but that he saw me with so much hair!

now, WHAT THE EFF DOES THAT DREAM MEAN????!!! when i woke up, i was like, damn, thank god that was a dream

me: GET A WAX! lmao!!!!!!!!!!

elaine: HA HA!

me: this was the funniest thing i have read in ages son. "Nope - he saw everything! eyes literally popped out of his head" hahahahaha totally something i'd say i love it.

guess what? I'm going for my bikini wax tomorrow...not going to a resort though

elaine: are you kidding me???

me: nope i've been trying to schedule one for ages

elaine: that's crazy. maybe i'm clairvoyant

me: right

elaine: ha! so it is YOU that needs the wax

me: my ish ain't out of control though. Actually it kind of is son...there was a tangle situation

elaine: ha!

me: if ish is that long that it has to be combed it's out of control. But i was researching the best spot to go for the wax

elaine: i'm scared of waxes. they hurt too much

me: I don't mind the pain - i actually giggle. guess i'm a masochist

elaine: you giggle? you have issues

me: yup. it tickles. tell me something i dont know. ps: you know this is IMMEDIATELY going on the blog right

elaine: i read something about waxes in oprahs mag. i'm told they are not supposed to double dip the stick in the wax and then use the same wax on someone else. There's the seinfeld tie in

me: double dip! there ya go. There was a locker room scene though on sein...with george i think some kind of towel drop. oh no! with elaine! and terri hatcher

elaine: oh, yeah, they're real and fantastic

me: by the way - this is also totally out of the sex and the city movie

elaine: yeah

me: miranda (you), sam - me

elaine: wax much

me: hahaha re: fantastic

elaine: but i think ur kinda right. i got a facial the other day and then i was reading an article about how mothers put everyone else b4 them. then i was thinking how its been a while since i did any pampering. CJ was ready to ditch me cuz i was in desperate need of manicure. perhaps thats what the dream was about. my need to make myself a priority, to borrow from oprah.

me: yeah i think that you're right

Grumpy Old Men

I received a call from Brother Belle the other day. He never calls me at work so I knew something was up. Sad news: my paternal grandmother passed away. She lived a full, long life; the passing was painless and seemingly everyone is at ease that she is now resting peacefully. I asked my bro how my father's father was doing, since he will now live alone in his house in North Carolina....just a few towns away from my maternal grandfather, who survived my grandmother last year when she passed.

Then I started thinking...what if the two grandfathers became buddies? They are both widowers in their 90s living in small towns in North Carolina, having moved down south to live a slower paced life after raising their families in large cities (Philadelphia and Brooklyn, respectively).

But these men have never met. Why? My paternal grandfather disowned Papa Belle for marrying Mama Belle because she is: 1. Not jewish and 2. Black. Emphasis on numero 2. I never met my father's parents, and the only memory I have of my father's mother was her sending my brother and I cute hand-made birthday cards up until the age of 6 when my grandfather caught her and put an end to this practice.

Now that the two men are in similar positions and locations...maybe it's time for a meet-n-greet. Or at least an Oprah special. Jake, can you make that happen? Please make some calls. At the very least, this story should be made into a CBS made for tv movie, with the men becoming fast friends and spending their remaining days cracking jokes and talking trash in a basement barber shop in Queens, NY.

-KB

Random Thoughts!

Moxie Crimefighter? Fine. Chuck? nay.

A co-worker just informed me that Rebecca Romjin and Jerry O'Connel had their twins...and the names are rough: Dolly and Charlie. I'm all for celebs naming their kiddos off-the-wall monikers, but at least be creative. If you're going to subject your youngins to a childhood full of schoolyard beatings, at least make the names worthwhile.


Sorry, did I mention they had two girls? Dolly? I guess. But Charlie? For a girl? Why would you name your child after a low-budget perfume made mildly popular in the 90s by a failed MTV VJ (Duff)? Not cool.

Update: A semi-famous boxer (Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao) just named his newborn baby girl Queen Elizabeth. Now that is a name worth fighting for (on the playground).

Mahcuss dahhhling...

With the tragic passing of fresh black girl Eartha Kitt, I couldn't help but think of the soon to be produced biopic of her life (you know it's coming). Who do you think should play her? If you say Bey I will slap you across your face. I'm thinking Taraji P. Henson. Thoughts?

The Crimson Tide* - Real World Style

I opened my gmail today with a shiny new message from the dean of my law school. She wanted to give alums the heads up that she will be nominated by B-rack today as Solicitor General of the U.S. Well ain't that about a b. Go 'head girl. She always wore the most awful pant suits, had deplorable hair, and never used a stitch of desperately needed makeup, but I like what she has done for the school, so I'm happy for her.

Then I got to thinking...the White House is going to be full of Crimson jerks (ps: do you think anyone will have the nads to suggest "Soul Man" for white house movie night?).

A few other HU peeps in the cabinet (I'm too lazy to research right now), combined with B and 'Chelle being HLS alums, will make DC awash with the crimson tide.

But I couldn't help but wonder: what would have happened if that other party won? I'm guessing the general manger of the Anchorage Walmart would have been a shoe-in for secretary of the treasury, and Arnold Schwarzenegger (or Hulk Hogan) would be set for secretary of defense. Elizabeth Hasslebeck would be in like flynn for the Secretary of State position and shamed Senator Larry Craig would be snagged for US ambassador to the UN (he is well known for his ability to reach across the (bathroom) aisle - hey oh!).

That's all for today's edition of Random Thoughts...back to work!

Smooches,

KB

*See comments section for explanation of my "mis-use" of this term and others

New Year's Revolution Part Deuce

KB, I like the way you think.  I find New Year's resolutions to be silly, but you know I love a good revolution.  The revolution will be blogged!

1.  On behalf of 2008, I want to apologize to all years between 2000 and 2004.  Seriously.  I have been engaged in nothing but fuckery for the past year or so and it's time for that ish to stop.  I used to be an ambitious, goal-oriented, super-serious kind of guy.  I was Tracy Flick before she became Elle Woods and while Elle is fun, it's time to locate my inner Flick (and outer Flick, but that's a different post entirely).  I have really met all my goals.  It's great, but it is depressing too because I've lost my drive.  I am not really working towards anything anymore, which pretty much sucks.  I don't really know what my new goal will be, but I need it quick.  I was considering making partner by the time I am 30, but that is so Elle Woods.  Uggers.

2.  It's adult time.  I think I have been stuck in a time warp for the past several years.  I am 27 and don't really feel any different than I did when I was like 20.  I dress the same, act the same (for the most part), look the same, etc.  How could that be!?  I think I have to start acting my age.  I am not exactly sure what that means, but it definitely requires change.  As a start, I moved out of my studio into a big boy apartment, I am no longer watching MTV,  no more ironic t-shirts, more shoes and less sneakers, and more big words.  Oh, and I am going to learn to budget and save better.  That's all some serious adult shit.

3.  I am going on more dates.  It's time to get back in the game and give the boys what they want.  Or, at least get this boy what he needs.  I think I want to spend time getting to know people and this time I am going to mean it.  No, seriously.  I am going to have long walks, talks, and dinners with interesting and gorgeous men.  I am going to ask questions and I am going to ponder the answers and I am not going argue, debate or judge.  I was never allowed to be around grown folk talk, so this might be hard.

4.  Frienemies are sooo high school.  I am getting rid of them.  You are either my friend or my enemy.  You can't be both and you can't be neither.   I like a good frienemy.  Why?  They are a good release for all my saved up cuntiness.  What makes a frienemy unique is that they are someone you don't like but find yourself around a lot (and don't have to be nice to for some other reason like work, church, etc.).  But, you can't be too mean because then they will stop coming around.  It's a delicate balance.  It's waay too complicated for a grown ass man with grown man problems and grown man things to do, so I am done with it.

5.  I am going to embrace the more conservative/republican side of me.  And no, that does not mean I am becoming a bottom.  I think it is now cool to be a Republican- it's the new Scientology.  Politics like life is all economics:  buy low, sell high.

6.  I am going to eat more healthy and get focused on my fitness.  Before my body starts breaking down or my metabolism breaks or something.  

7.  I am going to explore more and learn new things and go new places.  It's time to be worldly.  And wise.  Worldly and wise.

8.  I am going to do something(s) to make the world a better place.  Grown folk can change the world and they do because they have a stake in it.  I feel like 27 years into this world is a helluva investment and so I want to see it through.

9.  In general I am going to stop acting like a teenage girl.

10.  I think I am going to cuss some people out some more.  I am a pretty calm guy.  I get angry much, don't yell, don't cuss, don't create to much controversy.  Shit is exhausting.  You can't have a revolution without some anger and maybe even a lil bit of violence.  Beware.

New Year's Revolution

Happy New Year Kids!

I don't know about y'all, but I am so excited to be done with 2008 and am ready to be fine as wine in 2009. Holidays, schmolidays. I didn't go home to Cali to spend Xmas / Channukah / Kwanzaa / Festivus with the fam - a mistake I shant ever make again - and I had the displeasure of counting down to the new year at a club in Seattle so corny it made an MTV dance battle movie seem cool.

Anywhether, here at the Jake and Kelly Show, we never let our surroundings get us down - we Tim Gunn it and make it work, in any situation. So that is what I'm doing today. I've never been a huge fan of New Year's Resolutions, so I'm instituting a Revolution. I'm revolutionizing 2009 by revolting against the status quo and making these anti-resolutions:

1. I'm cancelling my Facebook and Myspace accounts. I've complained about these sites for some time, and I really do not find them useful or positive tools in my life. So I'm out. Besides, I miss my anonymity. If we are friends, you will still see pictures of me at various events, and get updates on big moves I make...that is if we are real life friends. And if we aren't, then you probably won't miss me on Facebook anyway.

Update: I am so happy that I have cancelled my accounts! I feel free and rid of high school esque nosiness and fuckery. And I doubly love all of the uproar that it has caused. I have received numerous inquiries via text regarding my sudden absence from those sites. Feels good to be missed! You can read about my latest love affairs and fashion choices in US Weekly.

Jake - I hear you about your Frienemies distaste. Part of the reason for me deleting my accounts was to cut off ties to a few...and a few friends of frienemies. Nahmean?

2. I'm going back on Caffeine! How I've missed my daily jolt. I gave it up about three weeks ago in an effort to help with my long-time battle with insomnia. But after an 8 day long withdrawal headache, I realized I like caffeine, a lot. I was able to fall asleep easier than when I consumed caffeine, but the pros didn't outweigh the cons. First of all, I had less energy at the gym and I began to yawn midday at the office - something I never do when I'm on the good stuff, even if I am on 3 hours of sleep. My mood didn't change too much but I definitely know I am much happier when I am hyped up on a cup of caffeinated coffee or tea. Finally, I think caffeine makes me a better person, and by better I mean thinner. Long live legalized drugs. Yay!

3. I am going to spend more money. Yup, you heard me right. Recession schmecession. I'm going to make smart, informed, high quality purchases. I will buy less clothes/accessories at traditional retailers, but more higher end, classic pieces. I went to a designer outlet spot north of seattle, and after mulling over a few purchases for hours to make sure I wouldn't have buyer's remorse, I came away with quality purchases that will be in my closest, on my wrist, and on my feet for years to come. Also, instead of spending a wad of dough at a snooze club in Seattle in an effort to be social, I'm going to keep it in the crib and instead schedule frequent weekend trips to more KB-style locales: NYC, Philly, LA, and Dubai (I'll see you soon Nak!). I don't have to pay for lodging in any of these places, so why don't I fly there more often?

4. I am going to spend more time at the office. I already see my co-workers more than my friends, but I love my job! I laugh and feel good at work. The people I work with are great folks, and the work we do is valuable and fulfilling. My mother frequently scolds me for working late hours but I don't see what's the problem. I've prayed for a job that I love and I've got it. Bonus: my office is very dog friendly, so once Kingston makes his move up north, I never have to leave my office. Hooray!

5. I'm going to watch more TV. I have an enormous flat screen in my gorgeous living room that I currently spend a lot of quality time with, but not enough. Immediately after publishing this post I'm calling Comcast (I called yesterday but they were closed for the holiday. Boo.) to order up every extra channel they have. Currently I only have the basic cable channels, and considering I rarely watch anything besides Bravo, NBC, and TLC, I haven't missed out on much, except for HBO. So I'm ordering up every HBO channel they have, in addition to other premium channels that I used to enjoy: Showtime (I miss Weeds!) and Cinemax (solely for quality after-dark programming).

I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stick to the above goals. And what about your resolutions/revolutions? Do tell.

Smooches!

KB

Picture It: KelleBelle Hearts Seattle

Estelle Getty is smiling down on me as I write this here blog. This is THE Picture It of all Picture Its.

Picture it: Seattle 2008. A snowstorm paralyzes the city. Seattle doesn't get snow often (evidenced by their 2 snow plows and half a bag of salt for the entire city) and the entire population went bat ass crazy after three consecutive days of heavy snow. No one could get to work, school, church (I assume), nothing. They sure could get to the bar, but I'll get to that later. As you all know, KB is not the one to let a little of the white stuff get in her way of shopping or having a fun time. So off she goes with her favorite gal pal - let's call her "Chocolate" - to wreak havoc on the city last Sunday. After hitting a few of their favorite stores downtown, they decide to visit Beckman, a friend of Choc's, who happened to have been birthed 28 years to the day. Y'all know KB loves any reason to celebrate. But how to get to said birthday boy's abode? Both of our cars were safely parked/stranded near our homes and there was not a taxi in sight.

After walking the streets for a half an hour or so, KB and Choc hop on a bus, hopefully going in the direction of Beckman's crib. Once we were on our way I breathed a heavy sigh of relief to be out of the snow and on the way to party town. Then the bus got stuck in a heavy patch of snow. Yada yada yada, we had to de-bus, walk another half a mile, and catch another bus that left us about 20 minutes from our destination. To make a long story longer, we walked half-way, were rejected by a cabbie that said we werent going far enough to take our fare, and then hitchiked the rest. Yes, chile. (Don't tell mama Belle - she'd kill me!)

We finally make it to Beckman's spot and pop open the bubbly and coconut/lemongrass infused sake we purchased on the way. Did I mention it took us approximately 2 hours to travel about a mile? Anywho, we de-coat, de-snow, and I try to bring my feet back to life, as they had frozen on our journey. Once my pups were dry and back to life, we got the party going. Choc got all Claire Huxtable on the boys (birthday boy has a cute roomie named...Rodriguez) and started whipping up some steak nachos with two types of cheese she found in the fridge. The only problem was there wasn't two types of cheese. Just one, and a stick of butter that Choc mistook for white cheese. Cut to the boys downing those butter nachos like they were dripping with liquid gold. I'm pretty sure they cut about 10 years off of their life spans but they sure did enjoy those chips.

Some time later, in walks two of their homies: let's call them San and Petrovski. These boys know how to party and we kept it movin' to the neighborhood bar to really start celebrating Beckman's birthday. A few rounds of hot toddies, four buttered nipples, and a game of Cribbage with the skeevy 109-year-old bar owner later, and we were off to my crib so I could check my blackberry and do a quick wardrobe change.

On our way to my pad we peeped a mob of crazed Seattleites sledding down an extremely steep hill near my house that was covered in snow, like the rest of the city. These fools were using all sorts of shizz to shimmy down the hill - air mattresses, pizza boxes, garbage can lids, laundry baskets, gates, street signs. A whole heap of fuckery. Naturally, we couldn't wait to join in on the fun! So off we go to join the crowd (after of course imbibing and hanging with bob at my crib). You know how KB gets when she has too much of the good stuff - honey, I couldn't form a sentence after we left my apartment. Everything that came out of my mouth was nothing but loud, crazy giggle fits for the rest of the night. It was a problem.

Once on the hill, Choc let her inner child rove rampant and this B was flying down the hill on all sorts of makeshift sleds like she done lost her mind. Me and the rest of the crew just watched and laughed. Choc woke up on Monday with a huge bruise on her thigh from an unfortunate run-in with a wall, but she said it was worth it and I have to agree.

I'm leaving out a lot of details but my memory is fuzzy. The night ended with me leaving the hill around 3am and having to get up at 6am for work. I was tired, groggy, and completely content. What a fun, crazy, random night. I officially heart Seattle.

Smooches!

KB

P.S.: Choc saw an exact replica of the snow penis depicted above on a car near her house...or so she says.

KelleBelle's Picks

Shello.

KB here with what you're watching, listening, and drinking this weekend. You can thank me later.

Watching: Slumdog Millionaire. Just see it.

Listening: Britney! Her new album gives. me. everthing. Kill the lights bitches! Perfect for the gym. Or work. Or church. I am disappointed with my beloved Bey. That "Single Ladies" song is a bit condescending if you ask me. And save for the video, the song is...eh. If I were a boy...I'd take it to the left, to the left...and buy Britney.

Drinking: Absolut - Los Angeles special edition. I couldn't resist when I saw the alcoholic ode to my hometown whilst at the liquor store. Vodka infused with acai, acerola, pomegranate, and blueberry. What a crowd pleaser! My friend - who never drinks - couldn't resist after he got a whiff of the delicious aroma. Cut to him dancing on my living room table to Single Ladies.

Meanwhile, I'm very excited to see the Philadelphia version. I'm thinking infusions of cheese wiz, onions, and meat. Mmm hmm.

Reading: chile please. I am knee deep in contracts and FDIC testimony. I'll start reading for pleasure in 2009.

Have a fabulous weekend kids!

Smooches,

KB

Craigslist, I love thee

Picture it: I'm moving to my fierce, completely furnished new place last weekend. But what to do with the few pieces of furniture I bought while at my temporary apartment? Two words: Craig's list!

Not only did I make money, I met the best folks ever while wheelin' and dealin'!

My ad: "Stylish Futon, Coffee Table, and Dining Table - Will deliver!"

I broke even on the "Stylish Futon" and sold it to a very nice single mum. I think I aggravated an old track injury helping her move it into her 2nd story apartment, but she didn't have anyone else there to help and I figured that would count as my mitzvah for the week.

I made a cool ten buck profit on the cappucinno brown coffee table that I originally bought at Ikea for $40! Mind you, I didn't intend to make a profit, as I listed it for sale at $40. But the nice folks I sold it to - a young asian gal and husky white male (a cross between woody allen and seth rogen) - insisted on paying me an extra 10 spot for delivery! I told them it wasn't necessary, as I had the table in the back of my SUV anyway. But they insisted. And bonus - the guy is from Philly and recognized my cell phone area code. This of course led to a convo about how dope Philly is and ended with him welcoming me to Seattle and inviting me to a game of pool with him and the mrs. at the local watering hole. Awesome!

Right after that, I headed to my next delivery - to drop off a small dining room table to a young, scruffy, college-age lad. Well, it turns out he wanted the coffee table this whole time, not the dining table. I apologized and told him I must have gotten his email confused as I had a lot of offers on the tables. He said no problem and bought the dining room table anyway! (I think he just needed any flat surface to roll his j's.) I threw in a groovy mirror I bought for 10 bucks and told him his girlfriend would make use of it. He gave me $20 bucks even though I told him 10 for both was fine due to my slip-up. He insisted on the twenty and said, "Welcome to Seattle!"

As I was relaying the above tale to my gal in brooklyn, she told me she had a great Craigslist story too! She had been shopping for a treadmill for awhile and got one off of CL for $200! Bonus: the delivery man was 6'7, west indian, and fine. Double yum!

Do you have a good Craigslist story? Do tell!

5 Reasons Jake and Kelly are not going to the Inauguration

I'm home waiting for the cable guy and scantily clad in case he's as cute as the last guy.

While I wait, Jake and I are chatting away on gmail. The topic? Our plans to attend the inauguration. I'm still on the fence - the majority of our friends are going, but it is really becoming a hassle. As we normally do, we talked it out and decided to whip up a post, each listing 5 reasons why we ain't goin'. I'll let Jake go first:

Kellebelle, maybe it's true what we have been saying privately to each other all along: we are the only ones with any bloody sense. I too shant be attending any inaugerational activities in D.C. Let me count down all the reasons why for you and anyone out there who visits this thing we call a blog:

5. I hate D.C. Everyone knows that about me. I don't like the idea of a city not being a part of a state. Also, I once had a friend who was gay bashed there…in the gayborhood. Something isn't right about that place.

4. It's cold outside. January 20? Hell to the hell to the HELL NAWWW. I am supposed to trek alls the way down to DC, fight the crowds and then stand in the cold? I just had palpitations at the thought.

3. I missed the prequel: the million man march.

2. I am slightly sick of Barack Obama. Sick, sick, sick. Black or not, it's just been too much. Unless he is going to put a leotard on and dance with Michelle and Hilary by his side, I just can't do it. And, I swear he has been saying the same ish since winning the election as he did during the election. It's like chill out and keep it real. Who acts the same in an interview as they do once they have a job?

1. The revolution will be televised and in HD. Enough. Said. HD is so clear that really it's like being there. You will still be able to tell your kids I was there the day…

Jake, you are a mess. But I love you. Naturally, we have overlapping justifications (are you on your monthly too?! Samesies!) Here's my list:

5. My wallet would prefer not to be raped. A friend told me people are calling the actual inauguration passes "Golden tickets," and trying to hawk them for 5Gs. B please. The white house may soon be called the chocolate factory but it really isn't that serious.

Also, there are going to be sooo many people in DC, the thought of attempting to go to a bar, club, mcdonalds, the train, puts me off. There are going to be lines and inflated admission prices up the ying yang. And you know black folk don't know how to act. I foresee some lowbudget fights at the line and medium to high budget fights at the bar.

4. It's gonna be cold. The northwest is no southern cali, but it definitely is not as cold as the east. And I downsized my cold weather wardrobe when I made the move to the west coast from Philly so I'd have to go out and get all new uber cold weather gear. Which isn't a bad thing but there's just no time! I'm telling you I need an assistant. Maybe I can get one of the Diddy failures?

3. Too many folks. All of my friends from all different parts of my life (high school, college, law school, work, my stint in county, beauty school, etc.) are going and it will be hard to pick and choose who to spend time with and not hurt anyone's feelings. It's hard work being a diplomatic social butterfly.

2. It's all about the connects. And real talk: KB just don't got 'em or cares to use the few she has. I ain't calling nobody's assistant's cousin to get an invite to Oprah's ball. Although I bet the food is going to be ridic! I love that she just announced publicly that she could give a rip that she's tipping the scales at 2 hun. A black man is in the damn white house. If that ain't adequate reason to throw down with some greasy food and champagne on the regular, I don't know what is. Go 'head O.

1. Despite alladis, I'm still likely gonna go! Jake, I'll pick you up a t-shirt.

Meanwhile, the cable guy is here. Let's just say my crappy old sweatshirt and comfy yoga pants are back on.

Smooches!

KB and Jake

Random Thoughts: Hurry Up and Wait

In the second installment of KB's Random Thoughts, I will explore life's frustrating instances of immense anticipation and preparation, followed by a swift, disappointing let down.

Scenario 1

You're at the gym, ready to get your sweat on. You strip off your hoodie, coat, sweats, and are ready to get it in like FloJo on the treadmill that you specifically picked out for its location - bordered by the mirrored wall, of course. You place your water bottle in the water bottle holder, you re-tie your sneakers to make sure your feets are ready to fly for at least 4 miles, the ipod is set to your "work-it-out" playlist, towel is swung over the data panel so you don't have to stare at the clock while time passes ever so slowly as you trudge along for 30 minutes. You is red to go.

You press "Quick Start" on the machine. Nothing. The damn thing is broken! So now you have to pack up all your shizz and find another machine that is free and set it up all over again. Ugh!

Scenario 2

You're at the office and just saw the most hilarious youtube clip that Jake forwarded you. Upon summoning your co-workers to huddle around your desk to peep the hilarity, you are greeted by a blank web page and/or an error message. After a few minutes of awkward silence while waiting for the page to load, your co-workers slowly slink away one by one and ask you to let them know when the site is up. Boo.

Scenario 3

Your favorite tv show is mid-season and every episode is fresh and new. You tivo/dvr this week's episode and hurry home on Friday to finally watch it. Then you realize that tv guide lied to you. This ain't a "new" episode! It's a friggin clip show of what has transpired thus far this season! Boo! You'll have to wait until next week for a true "new" episode.

I have been burned by Top Model many a time. The biggest burn was part one of the series finale of Seinfeld. What a rip!

Scenario 4

You're at your favorite boutique, department store, friend's closet, etc. and have amassed an armful of frocks that you want to try on and hopefully purchase should they fit appropriately. You carefully survey the showroom floor one last time to make sure you didn't miss a garment that you want to try on.

Off you go to the dressing room, de-robe, and reach for your first garment. Dammit! Wrong size! You could have sworn you grabbed an 8, but this thing is clearly meant for a child. Or anorexic. Regardless, it ain't fittin' over your lady lumps. So you reach for the next garment and realize you totally have the wrong undergarments on - it's a slinky strapless number and you have on an over the shoulder boulder holder and granny panties. Boo!

I usually am so frustrated at this point I storm out of there and head to the nearest shoe store, where I know I am prepared to try stuff on. Although in my big footed case they rarely have my size so I am forced to window shop, buy accessories, and go home to my closest to take my pick of re-runs. Tragic.