November 5th Game Plan

What are you going to do on Wednesday, November 5th?

I know I'll be nursing a hangover - hopefully with a smile and newfound sense of hope for the country, and not as I make travel arrangements for my relocation to France should a certain elderly man snag the W.

If all goes to plan, I will do the following on November 5th:

1. Walk around the office George Jefferson style the entire day.

2. Bump "Brown Skinned Lady" in my whip on full blast in a nod to our new first lady.

3. Give the bird in the direction of Alaska out of the left side of my car when I am driving Northbound (I'm in Seattle ps).

4. Rock my natural hair. That white house is about to be full of hot combs and grease!

5. Buy stock in Johnson and Johnson, the manufacturer of Luster's pink oil (see #4).

6. Purchase and consume fried chicken and watermelon in front of white folks without hesitation.

What are you going to do?

-KB

Recession Proof Jobs

Hey kids. I have been meaning to blog about hot topics regarding the upcoming presidential election but honestly I am just about burned out. I've seen and heard enough debates, snl clips, and npr stories to last me a lifetime...or at least until 2012. Hopefully by then the economy will be in a much better place, but until then, times is tough, honey.

I was at a swanky restaurant (for happy hour; we all know KB does not eat solid food after dusk...unless it's an olive or cherry in her cocktail) the other day with some coworkers and engaged in a delightful conversation with a very chatty bartender named Chip. He mentioned that he had worked at said swank establishment for 5 years and had never seen a no-reservation night until this month...when they had 3 in a row. Interestingly, he mentioned that the bar has never been better and all waitstaff are now seething to get a gig serving up cocktails - because that's where people are spending their dough. Who needs a thirty dollar steak when you can get an extra dirty martini, some complimentary peanuts, and a case of the giggles for a ten spot?

That being said, I have compiled a list of recession/depression (prove me wrong Bernake!) proof gigs:

11. Medium-Low Priced Callgirl. Cut the BJ fee in half and throw in a two-fer deal on Fridays and you may be on your way to buying that mobile home you've had your eye on.

10. Bartender/cocktail waitress. In times of economic distress, folks always reach for the booze to soothe their pain.

9. Collector. Be it credit card, student loan, mortgage, car note, wal-mart lay-a-way, etc. folks are behind on their payments. And someone's gotta nag them for it.

8. News Anchor. Someone's gotta tell you why you don't have a 401K, house, or job anymore.

7. Garbage (wo)man. All the trash you left behind at your soon to be foreclosed house has got to go somewhere.

6. Bus driver. Folks are struggling to pay the car note, let alone fill up with still high gas prices, so the public transporation sector will definitely need more drivers to bus around peeps going to and fro (the unemployment line).

5. Comedian/enne. Everyone needs a laugh, especially during hard times. Dust off that karoke machine in the garage and take your act on the road!

4. Reality show jerk. Apparently, if you lack any kind of skill, intellect, wit, pride, or class, you will always, always have a job at VH1. It may not pay anything up front, but you'll get a fake mansion to call home for 6 weeks and numerous opportunities to sell your soul after the show wraps.

3. Bootlegger. Who has money or time to hit the movies these days? I know I don't. Meanwhile, I'm heading to MLK blvd. to snoop out the neighborhood bootleg connect and cop a two dollar copy of "W." What?

2. Fireman. Folks are desperate for cheese and unfortunately many may go the arson route for that good insurance money. Although neighbors may not give a rip if their doomed home burns either, in the interest of public safety, the fire really should be put out.

1. Cop. Crime always rises in an economic downturn. If you don't mind dodging bullets from frustrated out of work citizens, it's Police Academy 6 (or is it 7) for you.

Picture It Bitches!

I mean, everyone loves a picture it, right? Then picture it: NYC 2008 at random Gay Bar. I am minding my own business (as I am known to do) and out of nowhere I was attacked by a large angry woman.

It's true. I was sitting near a window and a gaggle of gays and their hag decided to sit right outside the window and smoke their fags. I ever so politely and ever so gently slam the window shut, lest my beer be poisoned with second hand smoke. Well, the fatty-gay doesn't take it too well and starts taunting and talking shit through the window. Bet. I open window and say: sir, is there a problem? He wants to know why I closed the window and I explained why. We go back and forth and I am on the very verge of cussing him what some might call...the fuck out. But, he was being so sweet, bless his heart. I have a fond place in my heart for sweet fatty gays wearing ill-fitting smedium shirts. I do. BUT, before we could finish exchanging pleasantries his rotund hag slammed the window in my face.

Gasp. I didn't know what to do. What does one do in a situation like that? Well, just as soon as she slammed that window I had it back open and shouted: Don't you dare slam the window on me Fatty Magoo. All hell breaks loose. They all come back into the bar and she tells everyone what I said, one of her pocket gays tossed a piece of ice in my direction. She storms out and then storms back in and is generally hysterical.

I too am upset. As mean as I am, I would never want to call a fat girl fat. I think it's terrible. I certainly wouldn't want to call a fat girl fat in a gay bar. A gay bar is sposed to be a safe place for fat girls. It's a place where they can be peppered with compliments and suuported for their inner fierceness and alladat. Calling a fat girl fat in a gay bar is like calling a priest a fag in the middle of mass. Just plain wrong.

Yet there I was. I had done it. I had broken the sacred trust between a gay and a hag. Or did she!? Mayhaps she broke that there trust. As nice as a gay may be, we all know that the worse possible thing is always at the tip of the tongue, as was the case with me. I didn't mean to call her fat, but the word is almost always at the tip of my tongue and can fly out in a state of crisis, or in much less dramatic times. For others the word is bitch, for me it's fat bitch. Sike. It's more like Fatty Magoo, Fatty Lumpkins, Chubby Twochin, etc. And, well she started it! I was waiting for her to call me a fag, sissy, cum guzzling bottom, anything! But she didn't. She went to her gays, who were themselves fat and so clearly didn't want me to unleash on them. Sticks and stones break bones, but words will deter a gay.

Ultimately, I tracked her down and apologized. I really did not mean it. I am not a mean person like that. I always view my role as one of balancing when it comes to my nannies. When they are in a place of stregnth and are looking fierce and alladat I call them fat and baldheaded. Why, you might ask? To keep them motivated! We wouldn't them to get to cocky and slip up, now would we? Similarly, when my nannies are down I remind them how gorgeous they are, mainly because they are, but also because I am a good friend and I want my friends to be happy. The world is tough enough as it is.

Me and Fatty Magoo hugged it out and all was good. I complimented her black dress (to encourage her to wear slimming things of course) and she said I reminded her of her hot friend. If my nanny card weren't already full I would have taken her on. However, I won't have an opening until the 20th when one of my main nannies goes abroad.

I still feel awful, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson. Really, the fatty gay is to blame here. He clearly has not trained his hag. I am sure to train my nannies before taking them to a gay bar. For instance, they must know that they can't act like they would in a straight bar. Straight girls love to pick fights in straight bars because straight men won't hit them. Niether will a gay, but they will pick apart the outfit, makeup, hair, and attractivesness, so be careful. I also tell my nannies not to ever get too attached to any gay at any bar. I don't care if he dances well, says he's bi, flatters you till you faint...he's gay and there's nothing you can do about it. These are but 2 valuable lessons of many.

So happy to be back guys!

KelleBelle goes to Church

Picture it: KB struts in 30 minutes late (I got lost...perhaps on purpose subconsciously) in sky high black platform heels, black tights, black and tan wrap dress, black scarf, and black trench. Did I mention my Jackie O shades? Check.

Clearly this is not my mama's church. Honey, the First AME church in Los Angeles is fierce! I sometimes have to remind myself I am not at the Ebony fashion show when I walk into the church lobby.

Apparently the dress code is not universal. For those just tuning in, KB relocated to Seattle. Quite different in terms of style than LA or the east coast...Um, peeps looked at me and my pumps this morning like I was the pastor's scorned mistress arriving late to my bastard child's communion. Or something like that.

Meanwhile, I went to church today to make my mom (and God) happy, and mission accomplished. Well, at least in terms of moms, who literaly squealed with religious glee when I gave her the scoop. I also met a lovely young lady who was happy to be my Seattle tour guide (and give me all the church gossip one could handle). Although I'm not sure she and I are on the same page in terms of our social itinerary...I shall indulge her excitement to show me around.

Perhaps I was meant to go to this church so I can now really appreciate the fabulousness of my mom's church in LA. The sermons are great there, and I dug today's sermon as well. But something about professional level choirs, state of the art visual and audio systems, random dance performances and celebrity guest stars, and all sorts of personalities and energy make the "word" that more enlivening...

Tune in next week when KB goes to Synagogue! You know I can't ignore my other half. :)

Mazel Tov and Stay Blessed!

-KB

Where in the world are Jake & Kelly?

I'll let Jake answer for himself. But as for Miss Kelly, she done left Cali and went north, way north! No, not Canada. America Jr. is not ready for The Belle.

KB moved to Seattle and is somebody's VP. Work!


A few observations about the "Emerald City":

Caffeine is the drug of choice.

An obvious attribute of the home of Starbucks but y'all have no idea just how deep the caffeine scene is here. Not only are there Starbucks everywhere (and I mean everywhere - I bet they have them in church lobbies...maybe if I take a break from being a heathen one of these days I can confirm that hunch) but they have all sorts of independent drive-thru espresso joints, hooter-esque coffee shops ("Bikini Coffee" - where the Barristas wear skimpy lil outfits while serving up the Joe), and check it - at McDonalds, they don't just serve coffee - an entire side of the menu board is dedicated to your coffee options. That's deep.

The caffeine craze is incredibly engrained in the culture. For example, I have noticed either Starbucks or RockStar energy drinks sponsors every event - be it a festival, a concert, a political rally, a charity event, a bar-mitzvah (jokes), anything. And there is an unspoken rule that once people arrive to work there is to be no work done until you have had your coffee. It's just understood. I love it here!

It's a gold diggers paradise.

Due to Microsoft Money, there are oodles of folks up here with so much money they don't know what to do with it. I have seen more than a handful of scruffy looking 40 something dudes get out of their lambos in Crocs and ripped jeans.

It doesn't rain everyday.

Yes, I know it's not winter. But everyone scared the bejebus out of KelleBelle about the rain when she first told folks of her impending move. It has rained maybe twice in a month...and honestly, after surviving 3 Boston and Philly winters a piece, I think I'll be aiight. =) And when it does rain...it's just an excuse for me to buy super cute rain boots and matching umbrella. Yum!

I am getting into the swing of things so I will be blogging more often. Sorry for the absence, but I've kinda been doing big things. ;) I haven't even had time to watch my beloved TV or make it to the theater (movie). I hear there's some broad on the GOP ticket? Shut the F up! :P

Love you, mean it!

KB

What's in Your NQ???

So, I love Netflix. And who doesn't? I was mad late to the Netflix party because it all seemed complicated. It invloved mailing stuff and I thought I would need stamps and I never have stamps and I thought it involved deadlines and I hate deadlines. I just knew it would be a hassle, but turns out it is as easy as the viennese waltz. And, I am getting so good at it. I keep a revolving door of movies in my apartment. I can't manage to do anything else, but I watch my movies and promptly send it back and then in 2 days I get another movie. It is literally mind boggling to me, but I am a simple man.

But, here is the problem. I have pretty awful taste in movies and am generally really bad about looking up movies and reviews of the movies and reading comments, etc. I just read the description and if I like it I queue that badboy up. I probably immediately return about 1 in 5 movies after 10 seconds in the DVD player. That's not an awful percentage, but sometimes disappointing. My ex-biff (tears) would huff and puff and cuss me out for getting movies without reading reviews. However, since he's gone now I have gone caaraaazy with the Netflix picks.

What's on my NQ (Netflix Queue)? It's a list befitting of a 20 something living in Chelsea New York: pretty much all gay movies. For some reason, I am so into gay cinema. Okay, so maybe the reason is obvious, but it is still a bit extreme. I think I am just amazed at how many gay movies there are out there. How come they don't have commercials? I thought the only gay movie ever made was Brokeback Mountain, but turns out there were plenty before and after it. With a gay movie you are guaranteed some good drama and a good and nasty sex scene. Sometimes, even two or three.

But, you know you have bad taste when Netflix recommendations say the following: customer average (rating): 2.3; our best guess for you: 4.5!!! Hey, I am no movie snob!

Anywho, here's a taste of the type of movies I have watched recently:

The Mudge Boy:



Duncan (Emile Hirsch) is a 14-year-old boy who's always been labeled the "weird" one. When Duncan's mother unexpectedly dies, he takes a bizarre interest in her clothing and starts to speak in her voice. His father (Richard Jenkins) doesn't understand his son's conduct, and all the kids poke fun at him. When Duncan befriends a group of older boys by buying them beer, he discovers that one of them, Perry (Tom Guiry), has dark secrets of his own.

This one wasn't bad. It was actually pretty good and I totally recommend it. Weird though.

Get Real:



Steven (Ben Silverstone) is an average student at his middle-class high school, but he's harboring a big secret: He's gay. His only confidant is best friend Linda (Charlotte Brittain) … that is, until he meets John (Brad Gorton), the school's star jock who's seemingly straight and dating a model. The boys stumble through an awkward affair that sends Steven spinning and has John more confused than ever. Based on a play by Patrick Wilde.

I really liked this one too. Not bad.

Gone But Not Forgotten:



Drew (Aaron Orr) is a forest ranger who meets yuppie Mark (Matthew Montgomery) after he falls while rock climbing. Mark wakes up in the hospital with amnesia and sees that Drew has remained by his side since the accident. Drew offers to move in with Mark to help him out until he regains his memory, which propels the two men into a passionate affair. But things start to change as Mark's memory slowly returns. …

Immediately returned it.

A Home at the End of the World:



Pulitzer Prize-winning author (for The Hours) Michael Cunningham's earlier novel about a troika of close friends who enter into an unconventional living arrangement gets deft treatment. Boyhood pals Bobby (Colin Farrell) and Jonathan (Dallas Roberts) both love the same woman (Robin Wright Penn), but in different ways (Jonathan is gay). Undaunted, they all try to make a life together -- and even have a baby -- in 1980s New York.

Helloooo, it has Colin Farrel. A legit actor in a gay movie = good sign.

The 24th Day



Tom (Scott Speedman, from TV's "Felicity") has just found out that he's HIV-positive. A married man who's been living the "straight" life, Tom had sex once, years earlier, with a man named Dan (James Marsden), and now he's on a mission to find him. His plan: kidnap Dan, take a blood sample and see if it comes back positive; if so, he'll kill him. The stage is set for a supreme battle of wills in this drama based on Tony Piccirillo's play.

I super double heart this one.

And next on my NQ???

Eating out 2: Sloppy Seconds



After breaking up with his boyfriend, rebounding college student Kyle (Jim Verraros) turns his attention to Troy, a handsome male model in his art class. Farm boy Troy claims to be straight, but an unconvinced Kyle decides to take him to a campus support group for "reformed" gays to find out the truth. Kyle's silly attempts to prove that Troy is gay lead to a series of confusing hookups and farcical situations.

Can't wait. This is going to be either really good or really bad. Although, it is a sequel...I'll let you know.

What's in your NQ?

KelleBelle Goes for the Gold!

My competition? Scoop! Olympic Style.

There have been a few note-worthy happenings over in Beijing.

1. "The little singing girl must be flawless."

Hats off to the Chinese powers-that-be for subbing a cuter girl to lip synch over a buck toothed child. I don't really see what's the big hub bub. I completely co-sign. Image is everything!

Real talk: that's pretty foul of them to do to the little girl. But she will grow up, move, and make tons of dough singing and producing. The cutey will lose her appeal by age 20.

2. The Spaniards bite the hand that feeds (and hosts) them.


"An advertisement for the Spanish Basketball Federation that appeared in the Spanish daily sports newspaper Marca featured Spain's 15 national team members in uniform pulling back the skin on their eyelids, with smiles on their faces. The team photo was taken at a center court bearing a dragon logo. " (ABC.com)

Not only are they pissing off their Olympic host country, they may need a new supplier of kicks. Li-Ning is the Chinese footwear company sometimes called “the Nike of China,” and is one of the team's biggest sponsors.

3. I told you we can swim!


The U.S. men's 4x100-meter freestyle relay team won Olympic gold...with the help of a black guy! Yes! Cullen Jones is the first African American to participate in an Olympic swim relay final and the second to win gold. Woot!

Random Thoughts with KelleBelle

Did you ever notice...

...that when people on TV and in movies carry groceries it's always a large brown paper bag with some sort of green leaf lettuce and a baguette sticking out? My bag never looks like that. Swap a bottle of vodka for the the bread and a fashion magazine for the lettuce and you'll be close.

...the brides and grooms featured in Jet's wedding announcement section are always graduates of the most far out hbcu ever? Ex: "The groom, a graduate of southeastern missouri of south carolina technical A&G state university said 'I Do' to his bride, a cum laude graduate of east west southern state university orangeburg campus, at Tabernacle Baptist Holy Christ Church in Fayetteville, NC. The couple will honeymoon in Raleigh."*

..how some people are up in arms about a makeup company engaging in the routine practice of (gasp!) altering the image of one of its slangers to comform to the european standard of beauty to which they cater to; but are cool with a white actor literally in black face for an upcoming big budget movie? I'm not co-signing either move. Although, I can't wait to see the flick! But in protest, I'll cop it on the bootleg tip.

Once again, thanks for indulging my random, somewhat shallow, thoughts.

KelleBelle

*I'm not only going to hell for that one, but I'll surely be traded to the J's in the next race draft. Ah well. It was only a matter of time...

KelleBelle Pulls a Judy Winslow on Your Asses

Sorry to simply ignore the sudden absence of my weekly review of "I Love Money." But I lost all motivation to write recaps of the show. It just didn't seem worthy of a KB review. The show was trashy and I'd much rather have my friends read my review than waste time on actually watching it. But it was so bad and more importantly, boring, that it was really not worth it for me to watch and write about.

I am opening the floor to suggestions for a new show to review. Or any other ideas...

-KB

Real Talk: 2008 Presidential Race

Starring Jake and Kelly!

Now that Paris and Rihanna are officially a ticket (thanks a lot John McCain!), you knew J&K would be the next realistic presidential candidates.

Our first order of business? Duh, the war!

The war on fat that is.

Fast food joints will only be open for business during the hours of 2am-5am. You know, "the let-out" hours when folks need to soak up the liquor they consumed in the club before they drive home.

Thus ridding the country of fatties and curbing the number of DUIs. That, ladies and germs, is how you kill two birds with one stone.

Also, all lycra mini dresses in sizes XXL and above will be outlawed. And all primary schools will be outfitted with full-fledged gyms with mandatory exercise and/or dance classes for the kids.

Second order of bid-ness would be to legalize the chief.

Third would be to tackle the mortgage crisis. I would make it mandatory for all law students and lawyers to dedicate at least three hours a week to assist homeowners who are facing foreclosure negotiate with their lenders/banks. All who refuse to cooperate will be given public lashings broadcasted on youtube. What? The 8th amendment will be on vacay that day.

Fourth task - Energy. Now I know for a fact there is a surplus of jheri curl juice out there in somebody's warehouse, just waiting for that style to come back. I'm no scientist but I bet you can burn the juice to fuel a Hummer for days.

And lastly, on Wednesdays everyone must wear Pink!

Now, onto our cabinet.

Secretary of State: Oprah. She'll obviously be the one making the real decisions.

Chief of Staff: I'm gonna have to say Tyra. She's so bossy! Every meeting would be a fashion show complete with judging.

Press Secretary: Wendy Williams! How You Doin' America?

Secretary of the Treasury: John Stewart. Yup, I went the J route!

Secretary of Defense: The Rock. YUM!

Secretary of the Interior (decorating): Jake, I believe we can handle that ourselves.

Attorney General: Star Jones. I feel bad for her!

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dr. Drew. Rehab for everyone!

Jakester, how are you going to contribute?

And I, Jake can be Vice President!! I am such a VP. I am a good team player. I would give pep talks to the Pres and let the other side have it.

I am also perfectly okay with being number 2. It would be like fulfilling my life dream of being in a boy band. I can't sing or dance, but there's always someone in the group that has no talent. Like I can talk in the beginning of songs like Raz B or just be the good looking guy like Nokio or just be there for symmetry like Lance Bass. I can be that guy! I can be a good Farnsworth Bently too, actually better.

And, I can deliver you Georgia with a large gay black turnout thus flipping the map.

Vote for Jake!! Cough Kellebelle and Jake.