Size Queen

No, no, not that size. And yes, KB (and I believe Jake as well) is definitely a size queen in that regard.

But I'm referring to the super-size nature of American culture. I was having a great girl-chat session with my buddy Andrew (see his amazingly personal and interesting blog/diary at andrewwnichols.blogspot.com) last week and he asked me what I thought caused the mortgage/financial crisis. I said simply, greed. Not just by the bankers, investors, and all of dem. I'm referring to American's "need" for the grandiose: the Hummer, the huge house that you don't need, the fancy car you can't afford, the purses, the "poppin' bottles", all of that excess.

Andrew, a new homeowner, mentioned that he was approved for a loan in the range of $300,000 and was encouraged by his real estate agent to look for a bigger piece of property than what he eventually settled on. He declined, and instead bought a small place that fit his lifestyle perfectly - and was "only" $135,000 - less than half of what he could have bought. I immediately chided the real estate agent for the prodding of Andrew - of course she/he would encourage him to buy a bigger house. The higher the purchase price, the higher their commission.

I think more people should be like Andrew and not take out the maximum line of credit - for a credit card, mortgage, student loan, etc. Live within your means - actually, live below your means. I have to say this was a hard lesson for me to learn - after all, I was raised in LA where people would drive their fancy Mercedes Benz's and Lexi all over town...and park it in the garage (or on the street) of a down trodden one-bedroom apartment in the hood. It was all about image and keeping up with those fuckers the Jones'. My mama waited until she was retired and stacked her chips before she finally got her Benz. Growing up we never had a fancy car or wore designer labels (Slauson swapmeet holler!) but we lived in a nice house in a safe neighborhood.

I had a friend at USC who spent $4000 on a Dior purse and lived in her grandma's converted garage in Compton. Huh? Meanwhile, ya girl KB rocked her Nine West clutch and Steve Maddens...and lived in a spacious apartment near campus. Years later in Philly, I tried to dissuade a friend from buying a 4-story house. Why did a single woman who travelled frequently need such a grand home? I suppose she wanted it because she could have it. So she did. I believe it has been on the market now for over a year...

Even folks are super-sizing their families! Who on earth needs (or can support) 18 kids? Or 8? Someone please stop the madness.

I'm not saying I'm the black Suzie Orman, but I think my priorities in terms of spending are somewhat intact.

Off to H&M for some discount shopping and then I'm catching a matinee (bringing my own snacks of course - healthier and incredibly cheaper than the $13 medium sized popcorn).

Xoxo,

KB

Lessons Learned from Miche--- wait, Barack!

I was trying my absolute best to not write about an "article" that has been flying around the black-post-secondary-education world, but alas, I must give in and address some of the melee the piece has produced.

When one of my main b's forwarded the piece I couldn't help but take a heavy sigh and roll my eyes. The piece is about lessons single black women can learn from Michelle Obama. I know, snooze! In my opinion the piece didn't address any new ideas or challenges single black women face in the cold hard world of dating, but I appreciated the author's point of view and I'm definitely glad she wrote it, as it sparked lots of discussion. But I couldn't help but wonder: are these lessons we should learn from Michelle? Or lessons men need to learn from Barack? I'm thinking the latter.

The piece, authored by a lovely young lady who I believe was a year or two behind me in law school, basically covered the way black women need to stop being so picky, and give the "cornball" type of guy a chance. Like Michelle did with Barack (he wasn't as fly as he is now when they first met). Um, okay, but as I've mentioned to my girls in the past, I DO give the nerds a chance, as do a lot of my friends. My lesson learned? Fat geeks can be jerks just as quickly as the hottie with a six pack and swagger can be.

The author mentioned that many of her friends will cut a guy off after the first date for trivial things like not dressing stylish enough (or too stylish), having small hands, "laughing too much", all sorts of fuckery. I don't know many women who would cut off a seemingly solid dude for such small imperfections. But I will drop you like a hot comb on the high setting if you are rude, a violent drunk, don't take care of yourself (if he's not taking care of himself (mentally and physically), how can I expect him to care of me?), or have dead teeth with no intention of mitigating the losses, I'm done. Call me picky.

The article sparked rounds and rounds of emails going back and forth regarding the travails of dating. But again, nothing really new was introduced in the lengthy email threads.

We touched on the familiar subjects of persistence vs. equal attraction (for the record, KB is not one to "grow" to like someone or find them attractive - I know within the first 10 seconds of meeting a gent if I want to see them in their birthday suit); whether we are holding out for our "equals" on paper (no - I don't care if you don't have a PHD from Stanford, but you better GI Joe it and be the best you can be at whatever you are doing - music, art, pressure cleaning, trash man, etc.); and what I consider the ultimate sign if a gent is in the Mr. KelleBelle running: genuine interest.

The last topic really struck a nerve because I have found myself completely bamboozled by dudes who I would consider dating seriously, but for whatever reason, they are not conveying their desire to do the same, but at the same time send mixed messages that they do want to date me exclusively. Perhaps it's just my location - I have mentioned time and time again the passive culture of the pacific northwest - but I seem to keep running into this phenomenon. I mean, even if I am just into a guy for casual dating, what makes or break moving him into the "serious consideration" category or put into the "friend" and/or "jump-off" box is his level of genuine interest (and mine, of course).

And that's what I think fellas need to learn from Barack. He was persistent in his courting of 'Chelle and was proactive in his quest to land his woman. If a gent isn't calling me, arranging dates (I will too, but it should be equal) - and NOT the day of said date - then clearly he isn't that into me. Maybe the timing isn't right, maybe he does really like me but he just sucks at conveying his interest, not sure. But take a page out of B's courting book and step ya game up.

And I am SO incredibly tired of dudes saying they are just so busy and tired and blah blah. B please. I've dated an ER doctor, a pro athlete, musician, politician, lawyer, hustler, sneaker designer, military man, professor (not while a student! get ya mind out the gutter), etc. If you really want to see me, you'll make time. And that's the end of it. If you call me only at your latest convenience, then that shows me your level of interest and I will proceed accordingly.

Thanks for letting me vent, y'all. Have a great weekend!

KelleBelle

Are you a FWD whore?

Do you have a friend/relative/associate that sends you countless FWD: FW: FW: messages that flood your inbox on the daily? Lord knows I do. The two main culprits are usually my mother and my god mother. I mean really, how many times do I need to see the lil boy pat Obama on the head in the Oval office? I get it. It's cute. Historic. Stop forwarding it please! Thanks.

Anywhether, a friend of mine sent our squad a message yesterday bringing our attneiton to her own FWD nightmare:

"Ok. I'm NOT fowarding this to you as a forward. I'm sending this because my dear friend, Daniella, sends me fwds REPEATEDLY. I get an avg of 5 a day from her...and that's an average. it's not the mere act of fwding that bothers me its that she sends them indiscriminately. no thought is put into whether i would be interested in seeing this or whether its likely that i saw it already. i will send fwds every now and then but i try to keep in mind that most people prolly don't want to be baraged by them.

I had another friend who would do this and i just ended up sending her emails automatically to my spam folder. I don't want to say anything to her because it may seem a bit stuck up, esp. b/c this is one of my pre-law school friends but DAMN! i hate getting these. and every now and then she'll send me an email directed to me and sometimes I don't see them because they are in my spam folder.

anyway, are you ladies similarly perturbed by these or should i just get over it?"

KB's note: for the record, this forward in particular was WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE. Nudity and a bit of racism all in one!

I responded to my friend's request for advice as follows:

Dude. This one of my biggest pet peeves. My god mother used to send me fwds non-stop, once 10 fwds in a two day period. I asked my mom how to politely ask my god mom to stop the forward madness. I, like you, didn't want to put her off, or send her to spam hell, because she does send actual emails with original content on occassion. Mom duke's solution? Lie!

I told my god mother my inbox was simply too full and I was getting warnings that my storage was about to exceed the limit. So please, no more forwards because they often contain large files attached/included with them.

Haven't received a forwarded "use this coupon today to get a free whopper at wendys!" or bible-esque cartoons (that are usually quite offensive/blasphemous in my heathen opinion) since!

K

Ps: this fwd is wildly inappropriate!!! And not that clever. Odd what folks forward. You think your girl even scans the email before forwarding?
_____________

My friends agreed that the little white lie will avoid the need for an awkward confrontation about the fwd insanity.

How would you deter a FWD whore? Are you a FWD whore yourself? Should I stop saying whore so much?

Smooches!

KB

Letters to a Young Sister

Hey kids! It's about that time when folks are graduating from high school, college, grad school, beauty school, ITT Tech (if you're smart - real talk these days...), etc. One of my dear friends is putting together a compilation of lessons learned since she left home for college, to give to her baby sister who graduated from high school last week and is off to college in the fall.

My friend asked for help with her list, and this is what I came up with:

1. Do not spend more than you make!

2. Don't use credit cards (except in serious emergencies).

3. Think of your next 5 steps and plan/prep accordingly (internship, summer job, grad school, career, etc).

4. Have fun but not too much. No party is worth jeopardizing your school work, reputation (showing up to your part-time law office job hungover is not cool), or your health.

5. Act like a lady and think like a man!

I think my ultimate word of advice is to reach out for help at the first sign of trouble - in any area, be it school, love, life, etc. Get your network of support together (family, friends, profs, mentors) sooner rather than later and USE them as a resource for advice, guidance, or just an ear.

What do you know now that you wish you knew when you left the nest? Do tell.

Smooches!

KelleBelle

Recession Friendly Things To Do This Summer

I was watching CNN this weekend and they listed the top selling items during a recession. I have kept the list exactly as they showed it on the screen:

• Chocolate, Comfort Foods


• Gold Coins, Gardening Seeds
  
• Running Shoes, Guns

Based on the above list, if you ever had an idea to open a chocolate factory, KFC chain, running gear or gun store, this summer may be the time to make good on that daydream.

And I know you've been staring at those gold coins your grandpapi gave you years ago, wondering if they'd ever do anything besides collect dust. Take a trip on down to your local "we buy gold" store or pawn shop and cash em in for some gardening seed money. Or combine some of the items and you'll definitely have a fun and profitable summer: chocolate pistol anyone? Yum!

Also, if you ever thought about going natural and weening yourself off of your stylist's teet, now is definitely the time. Save the $75 re-touch/press&curl bi-weekly salon appointment and let the new growth flow! Summer is the time to be free, and if you don't like the rate of growth by September, well, the economy should (hopefully) be on the upswing and you'll be in a better financial position to shell out the dough for your salon visits.


Smooches!

KB

The Newest Desperate Housewife

What would you do if you suddenly found yourself without a job?

Unfortunately, I know more than a handful of people that have had to face this dilemma recently.

I also know a few employed people that have told me they "want" to be laid off. I tell them to be careful what you wish for...but I understand where they are coming from...kind of.

If I didn't have so much in school loans to pay each month I suppose I'd fantasize about being carefree and jobless as well. Or not...actually when I was in between jobs last year and was finished studying and taking the CA bar exam, I felt somewhat lost and unhappy. Besides looking for jobs and interviewing, I really didn't do as many things that I always thought I'd do if I wasn't working:

I didn't read the umpteen books I had been planning on reading since the summer after college graduation.

I didn't go to all of the museums and galleries I always said I would like to go to.

I did volunteer quite a bit, but not as much as I intended.

I went to the gym a lot, but I didn't get a six pack that I told myself I'd shoot for if I had the time to spend to get it.

I got a tan - but that was just because of the circumstances of my unemployment: I was living at home...four blocks from the beach in LA. Had I been in the same situation in Philly, I highly doubt I would have met that goal.

I didn't hit happy hour on the regular...because everyone else was working! Sipping $4 margaritas solo at El Torito at 3pm on a Tuesday is not the business.

Another goal I had while unemployed was to sleep - a lot. Why did I not reach this goal you ask? Two words: Kingston and Chester. Those little bastards had me up at 6am everyday ready to be taken on their walks.

My biggest goal was to do some serious internal self-reflection on how I can be a better KB. This is a work in progress but I made a lot of headway in my down time.

What would you do if you suddenly didn't have to schlep to your 9-5 everyday?

Mo Money, Mo Problems

Less money, many more problems.

Picture it: Ms. KelleBelle is at dinner with a certain gent (who was close to being fired anyway, and this was a last ditch effort for him to hold onto KB's interest), and the check comes. Grand total? $19. The gent brings out a $20 bill and then says, "I don't have enough for tip."

KB says, "I don't have any singles, sorry. Why don't you put the tab on your card and write in a tip?"

Dude says, "I don't have enough, I'm at my budget."

Pardon???

Yes chile, this trifling event happened. For realsies.

Kids, y'all know I like the finer things in life (premium cable channels, manicured nails, medium-shelf alcohol, etc.) but I am certainly no money hungry gold digger. I don't expect diamonds, but is it too much to expect a gentleman to pick up a $20 tab? Paying for my $7 salad and $3 beverage doesn't seem like too much to ask.

The story ends by KB paying the tab, storming out of the restaurant like Whitley Gilbert leaving Dwayne Wayne after their 19th fight, and telling him to cease and desist from any further communication. It is SO over. (ps: this isn't the first time KB has had to pay due to dude being "at his budget.")

Can you imagine? My word. It's not even that I mind dating someone who is struggling financially...but yo son - let me know BEFORE the check comes that you are broke. I've absolutely struggled financially before so I get it - completely - but the way you act when broke is very telling of your character, in my humble opinion.

This doesn't just apply to gentlemen callers, but financially struggling friends should also be mindful of the stress and drama they create when they do not account for their own expenses and rely on others to make their ends meet.

Assuming I am picking up the tab is not cool. I am not your caretaker, your man (or woman), or some filthy rich socialite with money to burn. If I pick up a tab it's because I want to, not because I feel obligated to or owe you anything. But the favor should be mutual.

When it isn't, it creates awkward situations and tension builds that could have been avoided if you were an adult and accounted for your own brokeness. And please don't complain about your finances and in the same breath brag about a new clothing purchase or blame your situation on your child. I have plenty of bills as well - I bet my student loan payment is akin to a child support payment! Real talk.

If I'm a bit light on dough that week, I won't go out to the bar and then rely on a chum to pay. I don't expect gents to pay all the time, and I don't mind going dutch on occasion, but I refuse to be played like a fool and suffer for having a steady stream of income and the ability to not spend more than I earn. Can I get a witness?!

Smooches!

KB

Random Thoughts

1. My favorite Golden Girl, Bea Arthur, passed away this weekend. I always felt the closest bond with Dorothy. Perhaps in part because we are both 5'9" with somewhat deep voices (mine is nowhere near Bea's, but it's a far cry from Michell'e). We are now left with only 2 living golden girls, the inspiration for countless girlfriend themed television series (Sex and the City, Girlfriends, etc.).

2. Arlen Spector can get it, just on GP. Of course the groundbreaking Senator that switches parties and gives the Dems a filibuster proof majority hails from the great state of Pennsylvania (KB's original state of bar admission, thank you.) When will others realize the Republican party is going the way of the Pontiac? Speaking of GM, is it just me or did everyone else already assume they stopped making that model years ago? I haven't seen a new Grand-Am on the road in ages.

3. Who determines what is a pandemic? I understand there is a threat of widespread Swine Flu infection, but 20 people getting the virus (ps: it sounds like the most it causes is flu-like symptoms, not death or worse: weight gain and/or hair loss.) in all of the USofA does not seem to be as big of a threat as say, the bubonic plague. Also, if you don't carry Purell in your purse and use it on the regular, that's your bad (IMO).

4. Finally, this Thursday, April 30th is Dining Out for Life®. DOFL is an annual fundraising event involving the generous participation of volunteers, corporate sponsors and restaurants. Naturally the fabulous event was created by a volunteer in Philadelphia at ActionAIDS (an organization I volunteered at while living in Philly). Everything fabulous and groundbreaking usually comes out of Philly or Pennsylvania (see my Arlen Spector blurb above.)

More than 3,500 restaurants donate a portion of their proceeds from this one special night of dining to the licensed agency in their city. Nearly $4 million dollars a year is raised to support the missions of agencies throughout North America. With the exception of the annual licensing fee of $600, all money raised in these cities stays there.

I have served as Ambassador (hostess) for DOFL in Philadelphia and will be doing so here in Seattle as well. I encourage you all to participate in this worthwhile event.

Check http://www.diningoutforlife.com/ to see which restaurants in your city are participating.

Smooches!

KB

Who cares about your career? Who are you seeing?!!

A friend of mine posted an interesting message on her Gchat status window:

"Ladies, have you ever told a friend some exciting news in your career or personal (spiritual, health) development and get a lukewarm "yeah, thats cool" but then if you so much as whisper the possibility of a new guy to said friend, they go orgasmic and start conjuring the wedding? Is this just my friend, me, a really disturbing problem, or the reality of being a woman?"

I responded to her message that I have a few friends that react similarly to man news versus non-man news. Check out our chat below and post a comment on your reaction to her message. Please and thank you. :)

me: boo on your friend. that's lame. i have a friend or three like that. it'll be like this:

Me: "I passed the bar"

Them: "Yay. Congrats."

Me: "I started seeing someone."

Them: "OMG!!! YAYYYYYY Does he have any friends?"

me: boo

Dorothy: i know, i feel like my law school friends particularly, are obessed with finding a man/relationships

i mean hey, i like to talk about dudes too, but damn, just a little balance please

cause when you are constantly talking like that i just feels like it creates so much desperation and negativity

me: exactly i'm 100% with ya

Dorothy: lots of interesting thoughts coming out of my status lol

Dorothy: why do you think some girls react in that way?

me: father issues

Dorothy: im now going to collect all the comments lol

me: want me to post a blog about it?

Dorothy: oh you totally should

My friend then sent me a collection of comments she received from friends in response to her message. Here are a few highlights:

Dorothy: yeah, its like come on gals, dont we have more going on in our lives??!!!

friend1: truth is many of them do, but it's a slow process to take your little girl dreams of a white dress and knight in shining armor and accept the fact that other things - like great family and platonic relationships, relationship with self, career, hobbies - can be fulfilling also; some just haven'tgotten there yet
________________________________________
Dorothy: but why isnt my career, or my health, or my relationship with God intimate?

friend 2: b/c it's not about sex or the possibility of sex

Dorothy: well that's unfortunate, women have much more to offer than sex

friend 2: sad, but true. i dont think this is a women-specific thing. i think we all have more to offer than sex, but sex remains an interesting subject

_________________________________________

Dorothy: i mean that some women are ok with being single - that doesnt mean they dont want to get married or wont be happy to meet a nice man - but that they are relatively content and may be getting happiness from other things. so when you then tell your friends omg x,y,z, that is not relationship related has happened to me or for me or some goal you have achieved and they react to that like oh yeah whatever, i think its just dissappointing. like your friends should be happy for you whatever it is your happy about.

why do some women only respond positively when it involves a man?

Friend3: yeah i mean theres no nice way to put it. thats exactly what happens. i was talking to my line sister. no one in our line is married or engaged and the line b4 us like over 1/2 of them r either already married or engaged, and i was like they are tighter than us and my friend was like girl people r on our line who r doctors lawyers etc and i was like i dont care we r single. no one wants us:(

Dorothy: booooo. that's horrible. no seriously.
_____________________________________________

Dorothy: yeah, i guess women are interested in different things

Friend4: yeah... the only problem with the wedding day dream is a wedding only lasts for a few hours. and then what?

Who Should Pay More?

Should overweight people pay more for airfare?  I think the answer is obviously yes.  Obesity creates externalities- they make life uncomfortable for others.  Specifically, in tight places like on airplanes.  I think that we are all given a certain amount of space on this planet and some people are taking up more space than has been allotted to them.  Consequently, they must pay more.

I, like the woman in the video, struggle to find the reason why people who spillover into others' seats should not have to pay extra.  Her argument appears to be that it's discrimination.  I increasingly find this argument troubling.  Fat people have been pushing this discrimination argument as if they are victims of a cruel society.  However, their argument must fail because of the idea of choice.  Gays are denied rights mainly because society, and more specifically the law, views homosexuality as a choice and thus not worthy of much sympathy.

If this is true...why then should anyone feel bad for someone who is overweight?  Granted, many argue that it's not their choice and is instead genetic and/or medical.  Indeed, just yesterday a co-worker advanced this argument.  However, I still observed a difference in our eating habits.  She ate much more than me.  This happens consistently, which is why I find the medical problem argument unavailing.  It's a choice.  You choose to eat more, you choose to eat unhealthy food, you choose not to go to work out and you choose not to seek a medical solution to your medical problem.  You can choose to jeopardize your health if you want to, but why do I have to suffer?  Why do I have to be uncomfortable?  Why do I have to pay higher insurance premiums?  Why do I have to make all of the sacrifices?    

I am petrified of becoming overweight and will go through great lengths to prevent such from happening, including paying a ton for a gym membership AND personal trainer and paying more for healthy food.  It's also a time dedication.  It's not easy.  Fat people feel bad when people treat them poorly because of their weight and I sympathize.  I really do.  However, who sympathizes for me when I wake up at 6am to go to the gym?  Where's my sympathy when I pass on that brownie?  Who invites me to the Oprah show when I feel weak from hunger pains?  No one!!!  It's the nasty secret life of thin people.  While I am sitting at home alone starving; some people are sitting at home stuffing themselves.  I am not mad at you...do your thing.  But, own it. 

Which to me begs the question:  should thin people have to pay extra?