November 5th Game Plan

What are you going to do on Wednesday, November 5th?

I know I'll be nursing a hangover - hopefully with a smile and newfound sense of hope for the country, and not as I make travel arrangements for my relocation to France should a certain elderly man snag the W.

If all goes to plan, I will do the following on November 5th:

1. Walk around the office George Jefferson style the entire day.

2. Bump "Brown Skinned Lady" in my whip on full blast in a nod to our new first lady.

3. Give the bird in the direction of Alaska out of the left side of my car when I am driving Northbound (I'm in Seattle ps).

4. Rock my natural hair. That white house is about to be full of hot combs and grease!

5. Buy stock in Johnson and Johnson, the manufacturer of Luster's pink oil (see #4).

6. Purchase and consume fried chicken and watermelon in front of white folks without hesitation.

What are you going to do?

-KB

Recession Proof Jobs

Hey kids. I have been meaning to blog about hot topics regarding the upcoming presidential election but honestly I am just about burned out. I've seen and heard enough debates, snl clips, and npr stories to last me a lifetime...or at least until 2012. Hopefully by then the economy will be in a much better place, but until then, times is tough, honey.

I was at a swanky restaurant (for happy hour; we all know KB does not eat solid food after dusk...unless it's an olive or cherry in her cocktail) the other day with some coworkers and engaged in a delightful conversation with a very chatty bartender named Chip. He mentioned that he had worked at said swank establishment for 5 years and had never seen a no-reservation night until this month...when they had 3 in a row. Interestingly, he mentioned that the bar has never been better and all waitstaff are now seething to get a gig serving up cocktails - because that's where people are spending their dough. Who needs a thirty dollar steak when you can get an extra dirty martini, some complimentary peanuts, and a case of the giggles for a ten spot?

That being said, I have compiled a list of recession/depression (prove me wrong Bernake!) proof gigs:

11. Medium-Low Priced Callgirl. Cut the BJ fee in half and throw in a two-fer deal on Fridays and you may be on your way to buying that mobile home you've had your eye on.

10. Bartender/cocktail waitress. In times of economic distress, folks always reach for the booze to soothe their pain.

9. Collector. Be it credit card, student loan, mortgage, car note, wal-mart lay-a-way, etc. folks are behind on their payments. And someone's gotta nag them for it.

8. News Anchor. Someone's gotta tell you why you don't have a 401K, house, or job anymore.

7. Garbage (wo)man. All the trash you left behind at your soon to be foreclosed house has got to go somewhere.

6. Bus driver. Folks are struggling to pay the car note, let alone fill up with still high gas prices, so the public transporation sector will definitely need more drivers to bus around peeps going to and fro (the unemployment line).

5. Comedian/enne. Everyone needs a laugh, especially during hard times. Dust off that karoke machine in the garage and take your act on the road!

4. Reality show jerk. Apparently, if you lack any kind of skill, intellect, wit, pride, or class, you will always, always have a job at VH1. It may not pay anything up front, but you'll get a fake mansion to call home for 6 weeks and numerous opportunities to sell your soul after the show wraps.

3. Bootlegger. Who has money or time to hit the movies these days? I know I don't. Meanwhile, I'm heading to MLK blvd. to snoop out the neighborhood bootleg connect and cop a two dollar copy of "W." What?

2. Fireman. Folks are desperate for cheese and unfortunately many may go the arson route for that good insurance money. Although neighbors may not give a rip if their doomed home burns either, in the interest of public safety, the fire really should be put out.

1. Cop. Crime always rises in an economic downturn. If you don't mind dodging bullets from frustrated out of work citizens, it's Police Academy 6 (or is it 7) for you.

Picture It Bitches!

I mean, everyone loves a picture it, right? Then picture it: NYC 2008 at random Gay Bar. I am minding my own business (as I am known to do) and out of nowhere I was attacked by a large angry woman.

It's true. I was sitting near a window and a gaggle of gays and their hag decided to sit right outside the window and smoke their fags. I ever so politely and ever so gently slam the window shut, lest my beer be poisoned with second hand smoke. Well, the fatty-gay doesn't take it too well and starts taunting and talking shit through the window. Bet. I open window and say: sir, is there a problem? He wants to know why I closed the window and I explained why. We go back and forth and I am on the very verge of cussing him what some might call...the fuck out. But, he was being so sweet, bless his heart. I have a fond place in my heart for sweet fatty gays wearing ill-fitting smedium shirts. I do. BUT, before we could finish exchanging pleasantries his rotund hag slammed the window in my face.

Gasp. I didn't know what to do. What does one do in a situation like that? Well, just as soon as she slammed that window I had it back open and shouted: Don't you dare slam the window on me Fatty Magoo. All hell breaks loose. They all come back into the bar and she tells everyone what I said, one of her pocket gays tossed a piece of ice in my direction. She storms out and then storms back in and is generally hysterical.

I too am upset. As mean as I am, I would never want to call a fat girl fat. I think it's terrible. I certainly wouldn't want to call a fat girl fat in a gay bar. A gay bar is sposed to be a safe place for fat girls. It's a place where they can be peppered with compliments and suuported for their inner fierceness and alladat. Calling a fat girl fat in a gay bar is like calling a priest a fag in the middle of mass. Just plain wrong.

Yet there I was. I had done it. I had broken the sacred trust between a gay and a hag. Or did she!? Mayhaps she broke that there trust. As nice as a gay may be, we all know that the worse possible thing is always at the tip of the tongue, as was the case with me. I didn't mean to call her fat, but the word is almost always at the tip of my tongue and can fly out in a state of crisis, or in much less dramatic times. For others the word is bitch, for me it's fat bitch. Sike. It's more like Fatty Magoo, Fatty Lumpkins, Chubby Twochin, etc. And, well she started it! I was waiting for her to call me a fag, sissy, cum guzzling bottom, anything! But she didn't. She went to her gays, who were themselves fat and so clearly didn't want me to unleash on them. Sticks and stones break bones, but words will deter a gay.

Ultimately, I tracked her down and apologized. I really did not mean it. I am not a mean person like that. I always view my role as one of balancing when it comes to my nannies. When they are in a place of stregnth and are looking fierce and alladat I call them fat and baldheaded. Why, you might ask? To keep them motivated! We wouldn't them to get to cocky and slip up, now would we? Similarly, when my nannies are down I remind them how gorgeous they are, mainly because they are, but also because I am a good friend and I want my friends to be happy. The world is tough enough as it is.

Me and Fatty Magoo hugged it out and all was good. I complimented her black dress (to encourage her to wear slimming things of course) and she said I reminded her of her hot friend. If my nanny card weren't already full I would have taken her on. However, I won't have an opening until the 20th when one of my main nannies goes abroad.

I still feel awful, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson. Really, the fatty gay is to blame here. He clearly has not trained his hag. I am sure to train my nannies before taking them to a gay bar. For instance, they must know that they can't act like they would in a straight bar. Straight girls love to pick fights in straight bars because straight men won't hit them. Niether will a gay, but they will pick apart the outfit, makeup, hair, and attractivesness, so be careful. I also tell my nannies not to ever get too attached to any gay at any bar. I don't care if he dances well, says he's bi, flatters you till you faint...he's gay and there's nothing you can do about it. These are but 2 valuable lessons of many.

So happy to be back guys!