Picture It Bitches!

I mean, everyone loves a picture it, right? Then picture it: NYC 2008 at random Gay Bar. I am minding my own business (as I am known to do) and out of nowhere I was attacked by a large angry woman.

It's true. I was sitting near a window and a gaggle of gays and their hag decided to sit right outside the window and smoke their fags. I ever so politely and ever so gently slam the window shut, lest my beer be poisoned with second hand smoke. Well, the fatty-gay doesn't take it too well and starts taunting and talking shit through the window. Bet. I open window and say: sir, is there a problem? He wants to know why I closed the window and I explained why. We go back and forth and I am on the very verge of cussing him what some might call...the fuck out. But, he was being so sweet, bless his heart. I have a fond place in my heart for sweet fatty gays wearing ill-fitting smedium shirts. I do. BUT, before we could finish exchanging pleasantries his rotund hag slammed the window in my face.

Gasp. I didn't know what to do. What does one do in a situation like that? Well, just as soon as she slammed that window I had it back open and shouted: Don't you dare slam the window on me Fatty Magoo. All hell breaks loose. They all come back into the bar and she tells everyone what I said, one of her pocket gays tossed a piece of ice in my direction. She storms out and then storms back in and is generally hysterical.

I too am upset. As mean as I am, I would never want to call a fat girl fat. I think it's terrible. I certainly wouldn't want to call a fat girl fat in a gay bar. A gay bar is sposed to be a safe place for fat girls. It's a place where they can be peppered with compliments and suuported for their inner fierceness and alladat. Calling a fat girl fat in a gay bar is like calling a priest a fag in the middle of mass. Just plain wrong.

Yet there I was. I had done it. I had broken the sacred trust between a gay and a hag. Or did she!? Mayhaps she broke that there trust. As nice as a gay may be, we all know that the worse possible thing is always at the tip of the tongue, as was the case with me. I didn't mean to call her fat, but the word is almost always at the tip of my tongue and can fly out in a state of crisis, or in much less dramatic times. For others the word is bitch, for me it's fat bitch. Sike. It's more like Fatty Magoo, Fatty Lumpkins, Chubby Twochin, etc. And, well she started it! I was waiting for her to call me a fag, sissy, cum guzzling bottom, anything! But she didn't. She went to her gays, who were themselves fat and so clearly didn't want me to unleash on them. Sticks and stones break bones, but words will deter a gay.

Ultimately, I tracked her down and apologized. I really did not mean it. I am not a mean person like that. I always view my role as one of balancing when it comes to my nannies. When they are in a place of stregnth and are looking fierce and alladat I call them fat and baldheaded. Why, you might ask? To keep them motivated! We wouldn't them to get to cocky and slip up, now would we? Similarly, when my nannies are down I remind them how gorgeous they are, mainly because they are, but also because I am a good friend and I want my friends to be happy. The world is tough enough as it is.

Me and Fatty Magoo hugged it out and all was good. I complimented her black dress (to encourage her to wear slimming things of course) and she said I reminded her of her hot friend. If my nanny card weren't already full I would have taken her on. However, I won't have an opening until the 20th when one of my main nannies goes abroad.

I still feel awful, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson. Really, the fatty gay is to blame here. He clearly has not trained his hag. I am sure to train my nannies before taking them to a gay bar. For instance, they must know that they can't act like they would in a straight bar. Straight girls love to pick fights in straight bars because straight men won't hit them. Niether will a gay, but they will pick apart the outfit, makeup, hair, and attractivesness, so be careful. I also tell my nannies not to ever get too attached to any gay at any bar. I don't care if he dances well, says he's bi, flatters you till you faint...he's gay and there's nothing you can do about it. These are but 2 valuable lessons of many.

So happy to be back guys!