It's about that time...for a Thin Line!

Love

Karma. It's a bitch. And she is vengeful! I always say you get what you give and if Jessica Alba ain't the prime example of that, I don't know who is. Ms. Alba was quoted earlier this year saying very self-hating anti-Latino statements. It was all bad and quite disgusting. I believe she was traded in the Race draft to the caucasians (and she was very happy). Well, didn't you know Karma was listening? Yes chile. Ms. Alba is officially preggers, unwed (the baby daddy is her on/off again loser boyfriend Cash Warren), and young...Looks like Jess couldn't fight her genes! Yup! I said it. Karma, you is one helluva b!

KB, I love my friends. We are a collective mess. My friends say and do the dumbest crap. And I just listen and watch and shake my head and say I told you so. I saw that coming. Then I realize that I say and do the dumbest shit and they just listen and watch and tell me so all along the way. We are all just walking around all fucked up and fucking up. A collective mess. Fucking love you all.

Hate

Jake, I loathe folks who can't get the hint. I really really try to not be a b...but why do some people refuse to get the hint? If I don't tell you huge news about my life (or follow up about a chance to hang), obviously we are not that close, or really, I don't want you that close! You mean nothing to me, therefore you are not privy to any big news. Don't make me be a b...just take the hint! She's (me) just not that into you! (and never was). ps: this applies to more than one person. Sorry Jake, I had to vent.


Jake hates that it is tip time. So many people to tip and so little reason to tip them. I don't know what to do? How much do you tip a secretary that does what I like to call negative work (creates more work for me)? How much do you tip the cover secretary who does no work? Do I have to tip all the doormen, handymen, and concierge? How about the cleaning lady? And the one that really tortures me: does a delivery have to be legal in order to get a tip? I hate it!

Hate to Love


Kelle Belle hates to love Perez Hilton. I have been a daily visitor to his site for years. It is juvenile and evil and nasty...and guess what? I love it! He just premiered his new special on VH1. Hilarious! I love that the one and only celeb to make him speechless was Rihanna! Completely appropriate. I do wish he could get back to his bit-part-on-the-Sopranos-years-ago weight. You can blog from the gym P-Nasty! :) Love you, mean it!



KB, I hate that I love pretty things, people, and places. I swear I sometimes hate having to talk because I am ashamed of the things that will come out. I listen to myself describe people, things, or places and they almost always start out with the most ridiculous reason. Please don't ask me why I am voting for Edwards or why I work where I work or why I live where I live or why I like one person and I don't like the other person. I am pretty sure the answer to all those questions will require the use of the word fat. I hate it, but I love it. I just am it.

Memo to Breeders

Not all gay people like each other. Shocker, but putting two gay guys in a room together does not guarantee an orgasm. Okay, maybe sex is guarenteed, but not a relationship.

I say this after being set up on a blind date recently. This girl who I met a few times and is friends with work friends decided that she new someone who would be great for me. I used to be flattered by such offerings. Afterall, there aren't many guys out there that I would trust one of my nannies with. However, after meeting the guy I realized that when she said I know someone who would be great for you she actually meant I know another gay guy.

Clearly she had not considered whether we would be compatible. At all. I knew it wouldn't work when he told me what he would be wearing. It sounded bad. It looked worse. I saw him and thought to myself oh no, I wonder if he saw me. Maybe if I just walk out I can pretend like this never happened and I can later tell them both that I was abducted by mexicans. But, I didn't.

Being the nice christ-like boy that I am I stuck around. But, I decided not to look directly at him. He wasn't fug, but he wasn't for me. Let's just say that I don't see many us couples running around. Er. I don't wanna see many us couples running around. And, homie was 36. I prefer to get my antiques at yard sales, fanks. And he lived in somebody's Brooklyn. And had dated a woman whilst in his 30s. That ain't even right. I am pretty sure that it takes much longer to get rid of those kooties!

He was really nice though and if I weren't shallow I would have "emailed" him like I said I would. I mean, you know it's not going to work if the other person plans to follow up with an email right? And on that note, motherfuck gmail for just adding him to my contacts list without my consent. I hope he didn't see the status message that read: "you will not set me up with a temp." Oh, and I hope he doesn't read this here blog.

Anywho, I had to get that one off my chest.

Straight from Jake

Hey kids, I decided to post an email Jake sent to the Nanntourage the other day. It's quite hilarious. Thank me later! -KB

Two stories for you guys and I am too lazy to blog about it. Unclearwhy this email is any different, but it is what it is...

1. Today JM goes to court and so i have on my suit. When wearing a suit in the winter I can go with the long overcoat or the oversized parka. I thought that the parker went better with my fro, so I ran with it. I think it looks hot. Anyways, I get to the train, sitdown, and look across, and what do I see? Abouut 7 lesbians, 4 of which had on the same outfit. Turns out, I am a lesbian.

2. Yesterday, I put another coworker on a diet, but being plastic and all I had to do it in the sneakiest way possible. He was talking about how he could lose weight so easily and that he could lose a pound a day on a ham sandwich diet. I looked at his fat belly, looked at him, and then looked to God for strength. I started spouting out all the other things he could try and he continued to defend his method, so I bet him I could lose more weight than he could. Not because I want to lose weight, but because I want him to lose weight. So, I am sacrificing lunch and half of dinner to make the world a better, thinner place.

Sincerely,

Jake A. McKenzie

Hello 911? This is an Emergency. A Hair Emergency!

Picture it: I am awakened by my iPhone this morning at 8:05am. I answer only to hear a sobbing, panicked voice on the other line. I quickly get it together and listen to the caller's pleas for my help. No kids, this wasn't a desperate call placed by a kidnapped tortured woman locked in a serial killer's basement dungeon.

This was a senior level corporate attorney having a panic attack about her new weave.

Chile, I almost hung up the phone. But I didn't because I know what it's like to be scared, anxious, and nervous about a new 'do. It's a big thing to change one's appearance - and hair is everything! (Ask ya girl Keri Russell if you don't believe me. Felicity anyone?) After I reassured her she was probably just freaking out due to lack of sleep (we were both on about 4 hours -- having left the beauty salon at 2:15am last night) and self-doubt, I said worry not, I'll be there in 15 minutes with my hair products in tow.

40 minutes later I show up and almost backslapped this ho. She looked great! Since her tragic phone call, she had calmed down, started to work with her new hair (my stylist tried to get her to treat the hair as it was her "own" last night, but she just couldn't get the concept. It ain't gonna look fabulous if you do nothing to it -- you have to work with it!) and was looking super cute. I brought out my products and smoothed out some of the curls, all the while reassuring her that she looked ridiculously fabulous, and her freak out was all part of the process. She looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, I do look fly!" and had a huge grin on her face. My heart sang.

That friends, is what it's all about. We here at The Jake and Kelly Show may talk a whole heap of trash, but trust, at the end of the day we simply want everyone to look and feel fabulous.

Now excuse me while I pull a George Costanza and take a nap under my desk.

Smooches!

KelleBelle

Why'd they have to be Black?

Have you ever found yourself watching news coverage of a scandal or horrible crime (not typically perpetuated by Black people*) where the prime suspect's identity is a source of mystery and debate? Of course you have. Do you secretly say a prayer: "Dear God, Please do not let the culprit be Black"? I know I do. And when the suspect turns out to be in fact black you cringe and yell, "Dammit! Why'd they have to be Black?!" If I recall correctly, the entirety of Black America yelled "G-d Dammit!" in unison after the D.C. Sniper turned out to be Black. Anywho, I say all this to introduce today's inaugural "Why'd they have to be Black" segment:

Dr. Jan Adams (pictured above). The plastic surgeon who performed the tummy tuck, breast lift, and liposuction on the mother of Kanye West, Donda, who died the next day at the very young age of 58. When news of Donda's death surfaced in the media, and that it was likely connected to recent plastic surgery, I couldn't help but say the little prayer I mentioned above. It was a short prayer, as I simply played the odds: the majority of plastic surgeons are not Black. But still, I said the prayer just to cover my bases.

Well, when the identity of the doc came out, I almost fell to the floor. Dammit! Why'd the have to be black?! However, on this occasion I was conflicted for a few reasons: 1. I was slightly happy the Dr. at the center of the tragedy was Black just to prove to America that we can, in fact be plastic surgeons. 2. For some reason I knew he'd have some serious skeletons in his closet (prior malpractice suits, DUI's, and more...oh my!) and sully the rep of all Black medical professionals in one fell swoop. 3. I was heartbroken because I had grown to like Dr. Adams. I am a big fan of the show he hosts on Discovery Health Channel: Plastic Surgery, Before and After.

So of course I was directly in front of my television last night to watch Dr. Adams give his first televised interview since Donda's death on Larry King Live. I was ready! Popcorn, laptop, and a cosmo, all at arm's length. For those of you that didn't see it I'll give a short recap:

Dr. Adams was not on the show in the beginning. Why? Because he was in the green room with his lawyers going over a very strongly worded letter written to him from the West camp directing him NOT to do LKL or they would pressure the CA medical board to de-certify him. So Larry assembled an "expert" panel to discuss the controversy surrounding Donda's death while Jan huddled with his legal team. The panel consisted of: Access Hollywood reporter Shaun Robinson, CNN culture reporter Lola Ogunnaike, People magazine's Senior Editor Galina Espinoza, and some other dude from Extra or something. Clearly they were just time-fillers until Jan came on, and they were all a little too excited and giddy to be on the show (sans Shaun, who was respectful and professional the entire time). Did they forget the tragic reality of the controversy? It's not just scoop people. This was someone's mama. Famous or not.

Meanwhile, what the hell makes these people experts? And of what? Must be gossip, cuz not one of these b's are medical professionals or legal analysts. Those experts would come on the show later (ps: I love me some Dr. Sanjay Gupta!).

Finally, Dr. Adams sits in the hot seat, only to get up within a minute and basically said thank you, but I'm going to respect the West family's wishes and not be on the show. And got up, yanked out the ear piece and mic he was wearing, and walked off the set chile! You could tell Larry was all flustered and thinking in his head, "No this negro is not walking off my set!" It was one of the most surprising, and awkward moments in TV history (the first time in 22 years a guest walked off the set). I loved every minute of it!

Before you pat Dr. Adams on the back for respecting the West family's wishes, note that The Los Angeles Times published an extensive interview with him on Tuesday...that may have precipitated the letter he received from the West family warning him not to do LKL. "He told the paper that nothing went wrong during the November 9 operation...and speculated about possible causes of her death, but phoned the paper just hours after the interview to emphasize that his speculations were purely hypothetical." I bet he did! Hindsight is 20-20 b!

And ps: Dr. Adams also gave People magazine an interview too - the issue will be on stands soon.

Dr. Adams is in a heap of trouble y'all. I agree with Shaun Robinson that Dr. Adams was right to walk off the show. But he should have used his LA Times and People interview to explain his shady past, and completely avoid Donda's death, out of respect for the West family, and in the name of self-preservation! Who are his lawyers? why on earth would they let him shoot off at the mouth about the death? I say keep your trap shut, but if you must speak to a media outlet, restrict it to only clearing your name regarding misconceptions of past incidents.

Do you think it was a coincidence that Shaun (the only black panelist) was the only one who thought it was a good idea for Dr. Adams to walk off and say nothing? I don't. Black folks are like that. Keep family business in the what? Family! If you want to talk about your prior misdeeds then fine, but respect family biz, and the deceased, for that matter.

And now, I'm off to say a little prayer...

KelleBelle

*Sniping, setting wildfires (arson), child molestation, child pornography, embezzling, etc. are all examples of crimes typically not attributed to Black folk. Now of course we have armed robbery, illegal dog fighting, and looting on lock, but that's another story.

Thin Line Time!

Love

Jake, you know I love The View. I DVR it every single day and watch it the next morning as I am getting dressed for work. Although I'm not super excited with the new co-host, Sherri Shephard (she's not the brightest bulb in the bunch, and will they stop changing her hair so often? Do not have your hair out one day, weave in next, then out the next. Consistency is key. Talk to ya girl Star J.) I still heart the show. It's funny, topical, and educates viewers who didn't even know they needed to be educated! Fun facts I've learned from watching the View: Kate Winslet wears a size 11 shoe (yay for the big feeted girls!). Peter Jennings never finished high school.

Hate

Mass holiday text messages. Friends, I love me some you, but please do not send out mass texts wishing me a happy Thanksgiving/Holidays/New Year. It's tacky, unthoughtful (at least say something witty and/or creative), and a waste of your time, and mine. Also, think of your West Coast native friends who are rudely awakend at 6a.m. on Christmas morning by your Merry Xmas text! And best believe I am vexed the rest of the day! I feel that holiday greetings should be saved for paper (not "e"!) cards and/or phone calls. I love texting, but some things should be spoken or written down on paper.

Hate to Love

Unseasonably mild weather! Part of me moved to the east in order to enjoy "seasons" and I do think it is more "natural" to go through them...but I cannot suppress my preference for warm weather year-round. I love the unnatural, global warmingness that's happening. Yup! I know you hard core east-coasters prefer crisp, nipsy-russel style weather for the fall and winter seasons but I am loving the 60 degree weather we are going to have during Thanksgiving! Bust out the opened toes shoes for your pre-thanksgiving partying. I know I will!

Make it Work!

Thank the heavens Tim Gunn is back in our lives for another season of Project Runway. His own show ("Tim Gunn's Guide to Style") is also back for a new season (premiering November 15 at 10/9c on Bravo, check your local listings) but I prefer to see him on PR lifting up, and mostly breaking down, each of the aspiring designers. Speaking of "aspiring designers", is anyone else perplexed about the absence of true "amateur" designers on the show? I thought this was a competition where struggling and/or new and promising designers compete for a chance at fame and fortune -- and mostly a way into the incredibly competitive fashion world.

After meeting the contestants on the show last night, I couldn't help but wonder: why are all these accomplished ass mofo's on this show? They are already known and accomplished designers (or well on their way to being so) and are not in need of some lil tv show to help their careers. I know I know: any publicity is good publicity, but what about the struggling, passionate, broke designers who live for their craft (and make fly ass gear out their grandmama's basement) who have no other way to get exposure? Isn't that why we watch these shows? For the untapped talent? That's why I do.

I think it would be unfair (not to mention boring) if all the aspiring models on ANTM were already strutting the catwalks in Paris and Milan and were just on the show to get even more exposure, oh and of course to rub shoulders with the HBIC, Tyra. What about the journey? What about the struggle?! Y'all got me all phe-clempt. Back to PR, here are a few of the "aspiring" designers that didn't bore me:

Carmen's a former model, and most importantly, the only black contestant. Um...what up with that? Anywho, I like her so far, but her attitude is a tad much, and she's much too conceited. We'll see how far her model past gets her in the coming design challenges.

Rami has noooo GD reason to be on this show! Take a look at just a snippet of this b's resume: "Known for his dramatic red carpet gowns, Rami has dressed celebrities such as Jessica Alba, Fergie, Tyra Banks, Amy Smart, Erykah Badu, Lucy Lui, Tracee Ellis Ross, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Penelope Cruz and Shiva Rose. His designs have been seen on the pages of In Style, Flaunt, Vogue, Lucky, Elle, Angelino, Interview, People and Us Weekly. Rami was also commissioned to design the costumes for the March 2005 America's Next Top Model add campaign that resided on billboards across the nation."

I'm livid! No reason for him to take up space for some hidden talented designer! He must be bangin' Nina. Or Michael. Meanwhile, I can't wait to see his designs! (Dammit Yaz, you were on to something! ;)

Chris seems cool. (I'm vexed with the show's producers for making the contestants sprint in the beginning of their first challenge -- guess who was last at the finish line? You guessed it. Fatty.) Essentially he's this season's Jay (the plump queen who was the show's first winner) except he is already an accomplished costume designer, not living at home in the sticks of PA like Jay was at the time of his appearance on the show.

Jack is in a word, fierce. The uber-gay-overachiever to end all uber-gay-overachievers. Not only is he a designer, but a world-class competitive swimmer and fitness/fashion model! Jeez louise! He went to Parsons, owned his own menswear store in NYC, designed for Tommy Hilfiger, and now is the design director at some big clothing brand. Again, what the eff are you doing on PR?! Interesting tidbit: he is very open about his HIV status, so perhaps he can use the show to educate the masses...or get more design director gigs.

Kevin, who referred to himself as one of the few "straight" male designers (I'll be the judge of that, thank you) is not Joey Fatone's thinner younger brother. Instead, he's a graduate of FIT, and oh yeah, a pair of Jeans he designs was featured on the cover of Victoria's Secret Fall 2006 catalogue! I'm done!

Next season's contestants better all be high school dropouts who sketch their designs on scraps of paper while bagging groceries at their town's piggly wiggly, while dreaming of some day making it as a top designer.

Okay kids, mama's got to get home. Be good to yourselves and each other...and most importantly, Make it work!

-KelleBelle

Thin Line Between Love and Jake!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled posting to bring you this special Thin Line: Jake Edition!

This is a very special week for my dear Jake, and since I will not be able to join him in person to celebrate the momentous occassion, I decided to dedicate this week's Thin Line to the life, the legend, the icon: Jake A. McKenzie.

Love

Duh. I loves me some Jake! He gives me everything: fashion/love/career advice; new music selections (before the masses catches on); political/social commentary; and he makes me giggle. And most importantly: diet tips! I seriously owe my recent weight loss to his recommendation of a certain supplement. No, not that! It's all legal... :)

Hate

I hate that New York City gets to have Jake. Boo! I would kill to see Jake using the streets of NYC as his personal catwalk in the mornings on the way to work. Come back to Philly Jake! The city needs you! Your fashion sense and slim figure are desperately lacking in the city. Real talk. I also hate Jake's job. It is really hindering his ability to blog on the regular.

Hate to Love

I hate that I love Jake in general. It's rough being a proud member of the Nanntourage. Especially being a long-distance Nanny. It takes work! Jake has the ability to be catty yet loving; direct yet passive; hetero yet gay; extremely intelligent yet silly. In a word: the bestest blogging partner ever!

Love you, mean it!

KelleBelle

Question of the Day

Is he gay or just a good dancer?

This question was posed to me recently about a very handsome young gent who was dancing his lil heart out at a party. Upon checking out his fluid, funky moves (more Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds than Chris Brown) and his impeccable style, I said firmly, "Gay." So of course I was shocked to learn said Tiny Dancer was sweet on ol' Kelle Belle! Yes, I am quite tall and have somewhat broad shoulders, but trust, I am all woman. There must be a mistake! So he isn't gay? I want a recount!

I have a few very stylish male friends whose sexuality is always a subject of debate. I fiercely defend their heterosexuality ("He lives with his girlfriend for goodness sakes!") but am always met with raised eyebrows and a condescending "Okay, Kelly...if you say so" followed by lengthy snickering.

I cite famous examples of "effeminite" men who are definitely straight to prove my point further. Take for instance, a certain caramel skin, slant-eyed, short, music industry figure. No, not John Legend (jury's still out on him), but Russel Simmons! Dude definitely has some effeminite characteristics (and the lisp doesn't help) but he is sho-nuff into the ladies. Yes, he may only date models that tower over him, but that has more to do with his Napoleon complex, not his need for a beard.

Back to Tiny Dancer. He is extremely good looking and nice, but even if he is straight, if I had to question his sexuality, dude's not for me. I like my mens manly. A little scruff never hurt nobody. Look, I appreciate a well groomed man like the next lady, but arched eyebrows is a no-no. As is manicured nails. Clean nails yes...clear polish? Nay.

Thin Line & On Time!!!

Work with me people as I am rusty, but I am at worst the 4th baddest bitch in America (Love you Bre). It's Monday and it's a thin line. Let's get to it.

Love

I love this here jacket worn by ya boy Bow Wow. It's hot. 50 cent for whosoever can find it for me.

You would look uber hot in that jacket Jake! If you're a really good Jake, perhaps Santa will find a way to send it to you! And by Santa I mean I'll email you the link of where you can purchase it yourself.

Jake I loooove Tina Fey! She's from Philly, one of the funniest comediennes of our time, and she is taking it to the streets! She joined her fellow writers and was on the front of the picketing lines when the Writer's Guild went on strike. More celebs need to take a page out of Tina's book, get over themselves, and stand up for what is right.

Hate

I hate that damn American Gangster movie. I hate to get all political on you all but I am disappointed that Denzel Washington, perhaps the greatest Black actor of our time, signed on to do this project. Why would you glamorize the gangster life? This movie will inspire a bunch of little kids to sell drugs in hopes of becoming the Man. Look at the effect Scarface has had. Add a respected Black face and a couple of rappers and all we will see in 10 years is American Gangster posters and DVD sets. MTV cribs will never be the same. It's sad.

Jake, are you really surprised that Denzy chose this role? Not a coincidence that his best actor Oscar was for a similar negative character. He acted his ass off for sure, but I like you, would prefer if he (and Halle) could have won for the portrayal of a more positive role for black youth (Malcom X anyone?).

Meanwhile, I hate mixed signals. How come only the dudes I am not interested in give me a clear green light ("I want you"), while the one who I am completely smitten with has me questioning my sexy. Make a grand gesture dammit! What's the worst that can possibly happen? Besides humiliating rejection and never being able to trust anyone again? That's nothing compared to what you have to gain. Me!

Hate that I Love

JLo, Britney, & Mariah Carey. I mean I loves me some them, but Jenny's music sucks now; Britney is gosh darn mess, and MiMi is taking forevers to drop an album. What's a guy to do for entertainment around here?

I know, I am rusty.

You sho is rusty! In these troubled times Jake you have to Tim Gunn it. This applies to your girls that you mentioned above. Yes, Brit is a mess, but her new album is the shizz! JLo's album is pretty bad (save for the debut single) but she has been looking deliciously pregnant lately and her hair/makeup remains flawless. Mimi was on the View a few weeks ago and it was pretty snooze. I admire her ability to keep up the tragic mulatto role going strong for this long though.

"Us" Couples

Picture it: you're at the club dancing your lil heart out (or posting up on the wall like I usually do), and a sweaty, greasy dude grabs you by the arm and presses his sweaty lips to your ear and rattles off some lame game on you. Upon seeing the creature's face you immediately grab your arm back and wrestle your way out of the Shrek look-a-like's hold. What does he do? Cusses you out!

Yes, chile. This has happened to me numerous times. Usually the rejected soul goes off on how I am stuck up, conceited, or just a plain B. Well, you know what? I object! I am tired of being penalized for not indulging a woo-er's advances if I am not attracted to them. I am always polite, but no, I will not give out my number if I am not interested in seeing you again. How is this being a b? I think it would be more jerky if I actually gave the digits out of pity and wasted both dude's time and my own.

You know what I really wish I could say to these dudes Jake? I'll tell you. I wish I had the lady balls to say, "Dude, seriously, how many couples that look like us do you see walking around?" I know, it's horribly mean. But come on! Be realistic people! I couldn't care less if you're sweet. You're fug too! Sorry, but not my problem. I'm into sweet and cute guys. Is that asking too much? I don't think so.

And it's not like I get the attention of every guy I think is cute. But I don't get mad and call the dude I'm drooling after "conceited" or a J. He's just not interested. Next!

Sweet November...Sour December

Jake, I am in a fall funk. I pride myself on my sunny southern california disposition, but I just can't fake the funk no mo'. I am not liking the shortening of days, the decreasing temperatures, or the upcoming holiday season. For me the holiday season means: long flights and delays, over-eating and the guilt that follows (not to mention the ill-fitting clothes due to the expanded waistline), family quabbles, and my birthday which happens to occur smack dab in the middle of January. Most people are still hungover from NYE to really celebrate, and it's too cold outside to wear anything super cute anyway. I know what you are going to say: "Tim Gunn it", KIC, KIM, etc. But I don't know if I can....I know, when in doubt make a list! Here are some of the things I like about the holiday/winter season:

1. Sales. If I remember correctly, my brother purchased a flat screen Tv for like .99 cents the day after Thanksgiving last year. I need a DVD player and new laptop, so guess where I'll be November 23rd? You guessed it, Kmart! I kid. But I will be at Target. Baby steps...

2. Peppermint Hot Chocolate. My signature holiday/winter cocktail. It's THE perfect cold weather drink. The hot choco warms you up, the Peppermint Schnapps gets you nice and tipsy (bonus: your breath smells amazing!), and the whipped cream and mini candy cane as garnish is just too perfect. You can't help but smile when you see a piping hot mug of KB's PHC coming your way.

3. Kingston looks ridiculously adorable in his his doggy Yamaka.

Readers, help out with my list! What else can I look forward to this holiday/winter season?

What time is it? Thin Line Time!

Y'all, my deepest apologies for being so late. KB was off tanning and networking at a conference in Meh-hee-co last week and I'm just now settling back into the swing of things at work. Without further ado, A Thin Line:

Love: Halloween. I plan my costume months ahead and begin to consume candy corn 'round about August in anticipation of the holiday. I seriously think my desire to someday have kids revolves around the idea that I will be obligated to Trick-Or-Treat with the little mungrells for at least 14 years. Who am I kidding, I still trick-or-treat now, sans kid. The ol' "I'm trick-or-treating for my little brother who's home sick" excuse works everytime!

Hate: Halloween. The overconsumption of candy and chocolate is horrible for the waistline and teeth. It's ridiculous. Meanwhile, I saw someone come out of CVS with hoards of candy they just purchased and literally stepped over a homeless person begging for food or money. Can ya throw a brotha some mini-M&M's? My word.



Hate to Love: You guessed it bitches, Halloween. I hate that I love it is the one holiday that you can dress like a straight up whore and no one can judge you! It's awesome. Of course many b's take it way too far (as I was reminded once at a party when an "angel" stood in front of me while I was sitting down and her thong laden ass was directly in my face. I guess she thought her thin see-through white nighty made it less slutty. wrong.). ps: KelleBelle is one of those b's! I feel like a slutty costume is okay, as long as it's original!

Speaking of original, what the hell is P.Hilton supposed to even be in the pic above? Besides wildly inappropriate?

Bamboozled!!!

Picture it: yesterday, the head of recruiting emailed me personally to ask if I could interview a law student for a summer associate position. I have interviewed candidates before but usually I volunteer to an office-wide request for interviewers. I have never been personally sought out to interview. The mystery was solved when I read the candidate's resume: she attends law school at a historically black college. Got a black candidate, get a black interviewer (you know, to make sure the candidate knows we are a diverse organization and equal opportunity folks and so forth and so on...).

Well, wouldn't you know when I opened my office door today to greet said candidate this girl was anything but black! More like the opposite! White as fallen snow and hair so bright she could light up a dark ass room. Of course I knew to broach the race subject would have been quite inappropriate (not to mention illegal, I think) so I tap-danced around the subject..."So how do you like ____ Law School?" She said with a huge smile: "I love it!" I'm thinking...I bet you do! Takin' all our men and polluting the earth with your racially confused mungrell children (myself included). Uh huh... (I'm kidding...I actually think she may swing for the other team, but that's a whole 'nother level of diversity).

The entire time she sat across from me I searched for any bit of ethnicity in her face, or hair. I got nathan. Not one kink in her super smooth bright blond highlighted hair. It got a tad akward when we spoke about her affection for swimming and water sports and I said I love the water as well, but my hair just makes it difficult for me to swim on a regular basis. She quashed any chance of her maybe being a tiny bit black by going the "my best friend is black" route. Well not exactly, but she tried to connect with me by saying her best friend at law school always talks about how she "sweats out" her hair when they go to the club...um, thanks for the info! I said nothin' about sweatin' out my hair, fool.

Meanwhile, do you think it'd be in bad taste for me to paste this post onto my firm's Interview Evaluation form under "general impression"? Or perhaps just simply, "Bamboozled." She was super nice but I just can't get over her choice of law schools...why?!

Black Folk's Hell

One of my fav bloggers, Thembi, (whatwouldthembido.blogspot.com) and I were having a lovely afternoon girl talk session via Gchat today when she mentioned one of her neighbors stole her copy of Jet magazine. I know what you're thinking, "Who the hell has a subscription to Jet? It's still in print?"

After Thembi informed me that the magazine is definitely still in circulation and pinned the subscription on her moms, I told her that the Jet thief would surely go to hell for their sin. And not just any hell, Black Folk's Hell! What makes Black Folk's Hell different you ask?

Well, for starters, as soon as you enter, your hair transforms into a messy Jheri Curl. The juices soak your clothes and burn your eyes and neck as they run down your face all day, everyday. The Cosby Show never existed, and Birth of a Nation plays on repeat. In addition Thembi added, in Black Folk's Hell, chicken does not exist, and lotion is a made-up concept. People's knees and elbows are constantly bleeding due to the extreme level of ashiness.

Meanwhile, I hear VH1 is in the works to make the above concept into a reality show. And that Jake, is really Black Folk's Hell.

No chile, Jake is at work. That, my friend, is black folk hell. (Giggles).

Note: The jheri curled tool pictured above is "Punk" from ILNY2. And also, a former classmate of mine at Harvard Law. Thanks for simultaneously shaming your people and devaluing my degree, jerkwad!

A Thin Line anyone?

Well well, looks like KelleBelle will start this week's ATL post. I am usually the sole holder of the late pass, but Jake has been pretty busy these days, what with the Britney situation and the imminent J.Lo pregnancy announcement. You know, serious global issues.

Love

I love me some early 90s movies Jake. And not of the BoyzntheHood or House Party 1-7 variety (which are fan faves as well, of course). I mean the kind of movies where the stars are all legit professionals and everyone is dressed to the nines complete with shoulder pads, big hair and harsh makeup for the women, and sleek fades for the men. I sat and watched Boomerang twice on Friday night and had the best time ever. I heart seeing Chris Rock in a film early in his career where he is not a crackhead. For one night, all seemed right in the world.

First, I rebuke any thought from anyone who doesn't appreciate a good crackheaded performance and let's face it...nobody does a better crackhead performance than Chris Rock. Except maybe Halle Berry. Second, I am going to have to say that I love New York. And, that I am so happy it has returned. And, that it is going to prove that Harvard Law School is an overated sham of an institution thanks to one "Punk" pictured in the above post. Eat it KelleBelle, you should have gone to Penn.

Hate

Time. There's never enough of it. Or if you're doing something boring or annoying, there's too much of it. I hate that there are zones of it. If we were all in the same zone, I'd totally hop on a plane on Friday and go home to Cali for the weekend. But due to that damn zone, I'd spend half of my life on the plane getting back to the EST on Sunday night. Okay clearly I am struggling for something to Hate this week. But that's a good thing, right?

Consistent with my love of New York (the person and show, not the damn city), I hate those people, black and white, who say that she and the show reflect negatively on the black community. One person can't represent the whole and a white person is quick to point out that s/he is not responsible for the racist acts of others, including acestors. Why therefore am I responsible for the behavior of those on I Love New York. We have to start using white logic against white people. And that's real talk. People like New York exist and I will not be shamed of her. I didn't raise that child. I don't know her and I don't know anyone on the show. You, on the other hand KB...

Hate to Love

Exhaustion. Not the kind that is actually code word for Anorexia or Overdose. I mean true exhaustion. From working out so hard at the gym you are exhausted and sore for days. Or you were up two nights in a row fervently drafting a human rights petition that you know will likely never see the light of day but dammit, justice is at stake! Or you are exhausted because you were up all Saturday night having a tickle fight (both of the naughty and innocent variety) with your dude. Exhaustion means you are living life to the fullest and taking no prisoners. Or you are just out of your Lunesta prescription. Either/or.

All that being said. I hate that I love New York. She, the show, and VH1 are indeed the Devil.

The Worse Thing About The Britney Situation

Let's face it this whole Britney situation is awful, awful, awful. But you know what the worse part of it is? It is not that she is a crackhead, it's not that these kids are doomed, it's not that she has been deemed less suitable as a parent than one K-Fed, it's not that it's all being broadcast over TMZ, and it is not even that she is fat. It's more that we all saw this coming when she married this guy and then decided to have his kids.

Let's also face that we saw all of this coming years ago. At least, I know I did. Perhaps I am an evil human being, but when the stories first surfaced of Britney and Shar Jackson's anonymous baby-daddy surfaced I was already looking forward to the disaster that would be the breakup. Then they got married and I got more excited. Then they had kids and I was bout to explode with anticipation. And then it all unravelled...bit by bit, or shall I say Brit by Brit.

Why anyone finds this shocking is beyond me. You know you saw this coming. You knew this would the biggest, baddest, trashiest break-up ever. You knew it. We were all just waiting. And, we didn't have to wait long. I mean it takes story lines on All My Children longer to unravel.

And now, I just sit back and watch. With imaginary popcorn. Sometimes I forget that this is a real life. I think we all do thanks to these stupid blogs. I am kind of disgusted with TMZ who is now bragging that they are the ones who caught Britney driving with the kids when she wasn't supposed to and then drinking when she wasn't supposed to. It's kind of awful. But for her relative fame she would still have the kids. Who the hell was watching K-fed?

In fact, somebody grab the camera while I put on my wig and lipstick: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE. Better yet, KB grab your foundation and let's do the Janet & Michael video for Britney. What? You didn't think you would get to be Janet did you? Chile... cheese.

(giggles)

Thin Line!!

KB, what's really good!? What's been up with you and what's up with thin line? I have two weeks of confusion built up so I am just gone let it out...

Love

I am going to have to switch it up on you KB and confess that I love my new boy. Okay, so I don't love him, but I love the idea of him. I do like him a lot though. He's super good to me, hot, and kinda gets me. I love it. Oh, and he is hilarious. Oh, and all my friends love him. We can talk or not talk for hours. I guess that's why I ain't been running around here blogging and ish. But, I'm back bitches. The bitch is back!!!

Jake, get out of my head please. We are so on the same wavelength! I bet we get our monthlies at the same time too we are so in sync. Chile, I'm loving the idea of my boy too! Were you fighting your likeness? I know I was. But damnit I am in like. And loving it! Meanwhile, have you been getting hit on incessantly and ex-paramours have been sniffin 'round? They must dig the content vibe I'm giving. Or the 5lbs I've recently lost. Either way, I'm in like! That's why I've been nan-where round these blogging parts...oh that and party planning and my indentured servitude day job. But the parties are over, my job is getting a bit more manageable so you know what that means right? The bitches is back son! And they said, "Yay-men!"

Hate

This is no news flash and I feel really guilty about saying this, but I am not a big fan of fat people who be going to the club, taking up all my space and breathing all the thin man's air. I mean, I guess it's okay to be big on your own, but not so much in a crowded club. There I said it. It really bothers me. And you know who is always the one dancing the hardest? The fat boy. There he is working up a sweat, which of course only invites the question of why don't you dance like this more often...in your living room, like the people on youtube? They really make me uncomfortable. And when they exhaust themselves from all the dancing you know what they do? They come and stand right next to me. Boo!

Jake, oh Jake. I'mma say a prayer for you, and J.Lo too. But mostly for you. Don't be a fat-ist! I'm not a fan of anyone - thin or plump - dancing all extra up in a crowded club, getting sweat on me and throwing bows, etc. But, as long as they are dressed nicely and do not have stank breath, get it in! You looking down on the fatties dancing exuberantly is just part of the problem. You see a rude, disgusting, annoying display of girth, I see calories burning and fun being had by all. Supa-man dat what?

Hate to love

Jake, this may shock some peeps, but I Hate that I Love Jews*. Okay not Jews generally, but Judaism in particular. Or Jewish weddings if you want to get specific. Okay, liberal, eclectic Jewish weddings officiated by a lesbian Rabbi. Yes! You know KB is half J right? Chile, I love me some Jewish traditions! I may have to get a late pass Batmitzvah before I get married just so I can break the glass - after jumping the broom. Mazel-Tov!

I hate that I love sobriety. It has now been two days since I last smoked or drank anything. Snaps for the kid. I had been on something for so long that I had forgotten what it was like. In fact, I think I am on a sobriety trip right now. It's like woooooow, this is weird. Why is my brain moving so quickly? What are these emotions I am feeling? For real? I had forgotten what anger was like. It's a high of it's own. Real talk. I kinda like myself. But it's early.

*Real Talk: Before the ADL shuts this bitch down, let me explain why this is not in the Love category. I'm half J but was never accepted by the J's in my hood growing up, or anywhere really. So I'm a bit salty about loving the traditions and the people...b/c I do so from afar! Let me in dammit! Let me in! Chile, you done got me all phe-clempt! Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in fried chicken and matzo ball soup...and a soda on the side!