Crazy Old White Men

How does Larry King still have a job? He's easily 110 years old and has no interest in becoming familiar with "recent" developments in technological advancements. On a recent show he made a pathetic attempt to announce a "podcast." Only he pronounced it "Bobcast." Of course he did. All of those terms: podcast, blog, website, color tv, cell phone, wireless, etc. mean nathan to Mr. King. It's all nonsense to him, the internets and whatnot.

Moving on to another crazy old white man, I have yet to be impressed by the supposedly complex trickery of Bernie Madoff. Is it just me or did dude just rip a page out of Zack Morris' playbook? I think it was an episode about friendship bracelets or some such. The gang obtained a backer to finance their operation but due to some flub by Screech (who else?) they needed to obtain more money to cover their losses and then repeatedly robbed peter to pay paul. Unfortunately for Mr. Madoff, the FBI instead of Mr. Belding was there to catch him, and he is likely going to receive a much stiffer sentence than two week's detention.

On to a crazy not so old white man, Rod Blagojevich is the proud owner of a shiny pair of steel balls. I suppose I would too if I had that head of hair. It's gorgeous! But that's really besides the point. I have to give him props for not only trying to sell President Obama's senate seat, but then carry on about his business as if nothing happened, denied everything, and skipped his impeachment proceedings because he wasn't interested. Balls.

What other crazy bastards did I miss?

-KB

Don't Be Late to an Ass Appointment

Hey kids,

I've posted about jump-off etiquette before.* This post is dedicated to the delicate process of when and how to fire a jump-off.

Since moving to Seattle, my jump-off game has left lots to desire. In my few months in the emerald city it has become painstakingly clear that there is a severe shortage of men with balls. I apologize for being crass, but there really is no way to sugar coat the tragic ball shortage up in this piece.

I'm in no hurry to find 'the one', but dang, can a girl get a lil' smooch here and there? I don't think that's asking too much. I was appalled at the behavior of a once stellar jump-off this past weekend.

After having a delightful dinner with my main gays and a straight chum (who suggested the title of this post) on Friday, I decided to hit up said jump-off, as it's been quite some time since KB has had any action. We decided to meet up at a bar nearby my crib at 10pm.

Can you believe this ninja had the nerve to send me a text at 10:10 saying he was "running behind"?!

Even my gays couldn't believe his level of fuckery. How you gon' be late to an ass appointment? I mean really. Anything that is on your plate that could possibly come in betwixt you and the appointment should be pushed to the side and left to post-ass tending to.

I immediately replied to the appalling text as follows: "I am no longer interested in your services. Don't bother coming." And yes, the double entendre was most definitely intended.

Only in Seattle would I need to write this here post. I am officially over the passive-aggressive b.s. the gents in these parts employ on the regular. If you like me, say so. If you have been assigned jump-off status, know your role and act accordingly. If not, you will be taken off the roster post-haste.

Smooches,

KB

*See: "Jumping Off" at http://jakeandkelly.blogspot.com/2007/09/jumping-off.html

True Hollywood Story

This is the True Hollywood (Hermosa Beach and Crenshaw) Story of Kelle Belle

KB took the show on the road and went home to Cali last weekend to celebrate her bday with mumsy and the pups. What a great trip! I feel invigorated, refreshed, and energized. Below, a few highlights:

Location: Hermosa Beach

Theme Song: California Girls by the Beach Boys

Besides the soul warming runs on the beach and quality time with the boys (my doggies) and moms, my time at the gym was a highlight of the trip. I've been away for 5 months and son, has a lot changed! One instructor got much bigger, one shrunk a few sizes, and a high school chum made some inneresting changes...

My favorite instructor spoke incessantly last year about her desire for another child. She even announced her preganancy and subsequent miscarriage while teaching a step class this past April. So I was thrilled to see her when I entered her kickboxing class on Saturday. She's as big as a house! Due in May. Yay!

My other favorite instructor could have stood to lose a couple of pounds... Despite her being the best boot camp instructor ever, she was quite flabby. It was weird. Anywho, she dropped at least 3 sizes and looked amazing. Her secret? She started running! Yeah, I was disappointed too when her secret did not lie in a pill bottle.

A high school chum I used to run into a lot at the gym last year was at boot camp class on Monday...and she lost some pounds...of hair. Basically, she went from Brooke Shields to Tina Fey before she got cute. Not a great look. She used to look like a pacific island Barbie but now she looks like a soccer mom. But I was too distracted to really analyze her hair cut by her ginormous new boobs! I remember she got married during the summer...maybe her new and improved sweater meat were a 6-month anniversary gift?

I miss that gym! It's like the capital of all 24 Hour Fitness clubs. Sigh. Back to the smaller, less fab, 24 Hour Fitness in Seattle...with less jaw dropping bodies to stare at.

Location: Baldwin Hills/Crenshaw area

Theme Song: To Live and Die in LA by Tupac

Moms and I headed to the Crenshaw mall to pick up some makeup from the Fashion Fair counter at Macy's (obvs they don't carry the black women's line at the Macy's near our whitewashed city). The highlight? The woman at the FF counter remarked that my mother and I were the opposite of her and her own daughter: "My daughter is brown and I'm high yellow; and you're brown and your daughter is high yellow." I didn't doctor that quote. She said it. And it was awesome! My mom and I hadn't heard that term (high yeller) used (in a non-joking manner) in quite some time.

After I copped the goods we poked our heads into the MLK day parade on Crenshaw blvd. I heart black people! It was a great event, with so much positive energy you couldn't help but beam with pride, happiness, and hope for the future.

Location: Hollywood

Theme Song: Hollywood by Jay & Bey

I went to a small dinner party hosted by the chef of a new restaurant ("Soul") that will be opening later this year. The food was fabulous, the condo was sick (you could throw a rock at Grauman's and the Roosevelt), and the company was FANTASMIC! My B of all B's flew into LA Saturday night to surprise me for my birthday! Her brother is one of the owners of the new restaurant. I thought I was just going to sample the menu. But the true reason behind the invitation was to hang with my gal and her gorgeous four year old daughter, who accompanied her mom on the trek from NYC. How lucky am I to have such a great friend?

By the end of the trip I was surprised to find myself missing Seattle and looking forward to getting back to my crib and work! Who knew KB would actually miss Seattle? Or her job?! I suppose it's a good thing. :)

Smooches!

KB

Movie Manners

Hey Kids! KB here hollerin' at ya from sunny southern cali. I came home this weekend to relax with mumsy and the dogs. Today, moms and I ventured to the movies to see The Wrestler. Phenomenal - I definitely recommend it. But this post ain't about the movie. It's about rude jerks that almost ruined the movie going experience with their dipwad antics.

The first culprit of movie jerkness is one Mr. Bradley Pitt. You see, our first choice was to see that Benjamin Button flick starring BP. Our plans changed once mother and I peeped the film length - 168 minutes. For our readers that rode the slow bus, that's almost 3 hours long. What is up with that guy and the epic length movies? Get over yourself Mr. Pitt. Only historical joints (holocaust, malcom x, jesus flix, slavery, etc.) deserve more than 120 of my precious minutes.

After deciding we shan't be indulging Mr. Pitt's ego-maniac fest, I convince momma belle to see The Wrestler. After copping the tickets, we were unpleasantly surprised to see a packed theater, even though we were 15 minutes early. As we slowly descend the aisle Moms scopes two seemingly open seats, but one of them has a purse on it.

I ask the owner of the purse if the seat was free and she ROLLS HER EYES! I couldn't believe it. She sighed, said yes, and begrudgingly moved her bitch bag to her lap. But that wasn't the end of her rudeness. Mom and I make our way to our seats and this heifer and her bitch brigade don't make the slightest effort to let us slide by. My mom couldn't believe how rude these women were. I brushed it off, and assumed we were just unlucky to choose seats adjacent to three grown up mean girls. That was until I turned around and peeped the row behind me.

There were two couples occupying the row (6 seats to a row) and one couple had an empty seat on each side of them! What a j move! If they would have moved one seat over to the left or right, another duo could have sat on that row, instead of sitting in the front row or having to split up. Unbelievable! My mom commented that if they really wanted their space while watching the movie, they would have gotten their matinee game on and could've had all the room in the world to be jerks.

Alright kids, thanks for letting me vent. Be kind to each other! And spay & neuter your pets.

-KB

Dream Weaver

Have you ever had a crazy dream about a friend and then ponder for days what it meant? I don't. My most recent dream involved me starting a forest fire in the Washington woods while being haunted with a bone-chilling fear of a bad weave. Real talk: that was my dream on Wednesday. Anywho, my main b had a dream involving yours truly on Thursday night. Take a stab at guessing what it "means" and get ready for some laughs.

elaine: girl, i had the weirdest dream about you and me

me: spill it!

elaine: it seems like you and i were away somewhere together. it looked like some sort of resort that had a humoungous pool that went around the resort. it was weird.

I think la la (elaine's daughter's nick name) was there b/c it was more like a kid's resort. Anyway you and i were walking around the pool. we both had bathing suits on (or so i thought -more on that later.) I had a towel around my waist. Then we get on an elevator and this paralegal from my job is on the elevator as well.

My towel drops and to my and your surprise, I had no bottom piece on.

me:HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THAT'S GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm trying to see the seinfeld tie. There has to be

elaine: i quickly pull up my towel and the whole time i'm fretting think that alan (paralegal dude) saw my ...uhh...nether regions.

but here's the kicker. he gets off the elevator and i'm mortified. so i say to you, kelly, he didn't see anything right? i pulled up my towel quickly enough right?i was clearly seeking reassurance from you.

But you say,to paraphrase, "yeah, he saw. i saw his eyes pop out of the head. and forget about that, what's up with all that bush you got down there. wtf?"

I look down and i realized how out of control it was. i was sooooo embarrased. let me tell you, in my dream, i was praying that it was a dream. i felt so ashamed and you my dear, were no help at all! but i was ashamed not so much that he saw me but that he saw me with so much hair!

now, WHAT THE EFF DOES THAT DREAM MEAN????!!! when i woke up, i was like, damn, thank god that was a dream

me: GET A WAX! lmao!!!!!!!!!!

elaine: HA HA!

me: this was the funniest thing i have read in ages son. "Nope - he saw everything! eyes literally popped out of his head" hahahahaha totally something i'd say i love it.

guess what? I'm going for my bikini wax tomorrow...not going to a resort though

elaine: are you kidding me???

me: nope i've been trying to schedule one for ages

elaine: that's crazy. maybe i'm clairvoyant

me: right

elaine: ha! so it is YOU that needs the wax

me: my ish ain't out of control though. Actually it kind of is son...there was a tangle situation

elaine: ha!

me: if ish is that long that it has to be combed it's out of control. But i was researching the best spot to go for the wax

elaine: i'm scared of waxes. they hurt too much

me: I don't mind the pain - i actually giggle. guess i'm a masochist

elaine: you giggle? you have issues

me: yup. it tickles. tell me something i dont know. ps: you know this is IMMEDIATELY going on the blog right

elaine: i read something about waxes in oprahs mag. i'm told they are not supposed to double dip the stick in the wax and then use the same wax on someone else. There's the seinfeld tie in

me: double dip! there ya go. There was a locker room scene though on sein...with george i think some kind of towel drop. oh no! with elaine! and terri hatcher

elaine: oh, yeah, they're real and fantastic

me: by the way - this is also totally out of the sex and the city movie

elaine: yeah

me: miranda (you), sam - me

elaine: wax much

me: hahaha re: fantastic

elaine: but i think ur kinda right. i got a facial the other day and then i was reading an article about how mothers put everyone else b4 them. then i was thinking how its been a while since i did any pampering. CJ was ready to ditch me cuz i was in desperate need of manicure. perhaps thats what the dream was about. my need to make myself a priority, to borrow from oprah.

me: yeah i think that you're right

Grumpy Old Men

I received a call from Brother Belle the other day. He never calls me at work so I knew something was up. Sad news: my paternal grandmother passed away. She lived a full, long life; the passing was painless and seemingly everyone is at ease that she is now resting peacefully. I asked my bro how my father's father was doing, since he will now live alone in his house in North Carolina....just a few towns away from my maternal grandfather, who survived my grandmother last year when she passed.

Then I started thinking...what if the two grandfathers became buddies? They are both widowers in their 90s living in small towns in North Carolina, having moved down south to live a slower paced life after raising their families in large cities (Philadelphia and Brooklyn, respectively).

But these men have never met. Why? My paternal grandfather disowned Papa Belle for marrying Mama Belle because she is: 1. Not jewish and 2. Black. Emphasis on numero 2. I never met my father's parents, and the only memory I have of my father's mother was her sending my brother and I cute hand-made birthday cards up until the age of 6 when my grandfather caught her and put an end to this practice.

Now that the two men are in similar positions and locations...maybe it's time for a meet-n-greet. Or at least an Oprah special. Jake, can you make that happen? Please make some calls. At the very least, this story should be made into a CBS made for tv movie, with the men becoming fast friends and spending their remaining days cracking jokes and talking trash in a basement barber shop in Queens, NY.

-KB

Random Thoughts!

Moxie Crimefighter? Fine. Chuck? nay.

A co-worker just informed me that Rebecca Romjin and Jerry O'Connel had their twins...and the names are rough: Dolly and Charlie. I'm all for celebs naming their kiddos off-the-wall monikers, but at least be creative. If you're going to subject your youngins to a childhood full of schoolyard beatings, at least make the names worthwhile.


Sorry, did I mention they had two girls? Dolly? I guess. But Charlie? For a girl? Why would you name your child after a low-budget perfume made mildly popular in the 90s by a failed MTV VJ (Duff)? Not cool.

Update: A semi-famous boxer (Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao) just named his newborn baby girl Queen Elizabeth. Now that is a name worth fighting for (on the playground).

Mahcuss dahhhling...

With the tragic passing of fresh black girl Eartha Kitt, I couldn't help but think of the soon to be produced biopic of her life (you know it's coming). Who do you think should play her? If you say Bey I will slap you across your face. I'm thinking Taraji P. Henson. Thoughts?

The Crimson Tide* - Real World Style

I opened my gmail today with a shiny new message from the dean of my law school. She wanted to give alums the heads up that she will be nominated by B-rack today as Solicitor General of the U.S. Well ain't that about a b. Go 'head girl. She always wore the most awful pant suits, had deplorable hair, and never used a stitch of desperately needed makeup, but I like what she has done for the school, so I'm happy for her.

Then I got to thinking...the White House is going to be full of Crimson jerks (ps: do you think anyone will have the nads to suggest "Soul Man" for white house movie night?).

A few other HU peeps in the cabinet (I'm too lazy to research right now), combined with B and 'Chelle being HLS alums, will make DC awash with the crimson tide.

But I couldn't help but wonder: what would have happened if that other party won? I'm guessing the general manger of the Anchorage Walmart would have been a shoe-in for secretary of the treasury, and Arnold Schwarzenegger (or Hulk Hogan) would be set for secretary of defense. Elizabeth Hasslebeck would be in like flynn for the Secretary of State position and shamed Senator Larry Craig would be snagged for US ambassador to the UN (he is well known for his ability to reach across the (bathroom) aisle - hey oh!).

That's all for today's edition of Random Thoughts...back to work!

Smooches,

KB

*See comments section for explanation of my "mis-use" of this term and others

New Year's Revolution Part Deuce

KB, I like the way you think.  I find New Year's resolutions to be silly, but you know I love a good revolution.  The revolution will be blogged!

1.  On behalf of 2008, I want to apologize to all years between 2000 and 2004.  Seriously.  I have been engaged in nothing but fuckery for the past year or so and it's time for that ish to stop.  I used to be an ambitious, goal-oriented, super-serious kind of guy.  I was Tracy Flick before she became Elle Woods and while Elle is fun, it's time to locate my inner Flick (and outer Flick, but that's a different post entirely).  I have really met all my goals.  It's great, but it is depressing too because I've lost my drive.  I am not really working towards anything anymore, which pretty much sucks.  I don't really know what my new goal will be, but I need it quick.  I was considering making partner by the time I am 30, but that is so Elle Woods.  Uggers.

2.  It's adult time.  I think I have been stuck in a time warp for the past several years.  I am 27 and don't really feel any different than I did when I was like 20.  I dress the same, act the same (for the most part), look the same, etc.  How could that be!?  I think I have to start acting my age.  I am not exactly sure what that means, but it definitely requires change.  As a start, I moved out of my studio into a big boy apartment, I am no longer watching MTV,  no more ironic t-shirts, more shoes and less sneakers, and more big words.  Oh, and I am going to learn to budget and save better.  That's all some serious adult shit.

3.  I am going on more dates.  It's time to get back in the game and give the boys what they want.  Or, at least get this boy what he needs.  I think I want to spend time getting to know people and this time I am going to mean it.  No, seriously.  I am going to have long walks, talks, and dinners with interesting and gorgeous men.  I am going to ask questions and I am going to ponder the answers and I am not going argue, debate or judge.  I was never allowed to be around grown folk talk, so this might be hard.

4.  Frienemies are sooo high school.  I am getting rid of them.  You are either my friend or my enemy.  You can't be both and you can't be neither.   I like a good frienemy.  Why?  They are a good release for all my saved up cuntiness.  What makes a frienemy unique is that they are someone you don't like but find yourself around a lot (and don't have to be nice to for some other reason like work, church, etc.).  But, you can't be too mean because then they will stop coming around.  It's a delicate balance.  It's waay too complicated for a grown ass man with grown man problems and grown man things to do, so I am done with it.

5.  I am going to embrace the more conservative/republican side of me.  And no, that does not mean I am becoming a bottom.  I think it is now cool to be a Republican- it's the new Scientology.  Politics like life is all economics:  buy low, sell high.

6.  I am going to eat more healthy and get focused on my fitness.  Before my body starts breaking down or my metabolism breaks or something.  

7.  I am going to explore more and learn new things and go new places.  It's time to be worldly.  And wise.  Worldly and wise.

8.  I am going to do something(s) to make the world a better place.  Grown folk can change the world and they do because they have a stake in it.  I feel like 27 years into this world is a helluva investment and so I want to see it through.

9.  In general I am going to stop acting like a teenage girl.

10.  I think I am going to cuss some people out some more.  I am a pretty calm guy.  I get angry much, don't yell, don't cuss, don't create to much controversy.  Shit is exhausting.  You can't have a revolution without some anger and maybe even a lil bit of violence.  Beware.

New Year's Revolution

Happy New Year Kids!

I don't know about y'all, but I am so excited to be done with 2008 and am ready to be fine as wine in 2009. Holidays, schmolidays. I didn't go home to Cali to spend Xmas / Channukah / Kwanzaa / Festivus with the fam - a mistake I shant ever make again - and I had the displeasure of counting down to the new year at a club in Seattle so corny it made an MTV dance battle movie seem cool.

Anywhether, here at the Jake and Kelly Show, we never let our surroundings get us down - we Tim Gunn it and make it work, in any situation. So that is what I'm doing today. I've never been a huge fan of New Year's Resolutions, so I'm instituting a Revolution. I'm revolutionizing 2009 by revolting against the status quo and making these anti-resolutions:

1. I'm cancelling my Facebook and Myspace accounts. I've complained about these sites for some time, and I really do not find them useful or positive tools in my life. So I'm out. Besides, I miss my anonymity. If we are friends, you will still see pictures of me at various events, and get updates on big moves I make...that is if we are real life friends. And if we aren't, then you probably won't miss me on Facebook anyway.

Update: I am so happy that I have cancelled my accounts! I feel free and rid of high school esque nosiness and fuckery. And I doubly love all of the uproar that it has caused. I have received numerous inquiries via text regarding my sudden absence from those sites. Feels good to be missed! You can read about my latest love affairs and fashion choices in US Weekly.

Jake - I hear you about your Frienemies distaste. Part of the reason for me deleting my accounts was to cut off ties to a few...and a few friends of frienemies. Nahmean?

2. I'm going back on Caffeine! How I've missed my daily jolt. I gave it up about three weeks ago in an effort to help with my long-time battle with insomnia. But after an 8 day long withdrawal headache, I realized I like caffeine, a lot. I was able to fall asleep easier than when I consumed caffeine, but the pros didn't outweigh the cons. First of all, I had less energy at the gym and I began to yawn midday at the office - something I never do when I'm on the good stuff, even if I am on 3 hours of sleep. My mood didn't change too much but I definitely know I am much happier when I am hyped up on a cup of caffeinated coffee or tea. Finally, I think caffeine makes me a better person, and by better I mean thinner. Long live legalized drugs. Yay!

3. I am going to spend more money. Yup, you heard me right. Recession schmecession. I'm going to make smart, informed, high quality purchases. I will buy less clothes/accessories at traditional retailers, but more higher end, classic pieces. I went to a designer outlet spot north of seattle, and after mulling over a few purchases for hours to make sure I wouldn't have buyer's remorse, I came away with quality purchases that will be in my closest, on my wrist, and on my feet for years to come. Also, instead of spending a wad of dough at a snooze club in Seattle in an effort to be social, I'm going to keep it in the crib and instead schedule frequent weekend trips to more KB-style locales: NYC, Philly, LA, and Dubai (I'll see you soon Nak!). I don't have to pay for lodging in any of these places, so why don't I fly there more often?

4. I am going to spend more time at the office. I already see my co-workers more than my friends, but I love my job! I laugh and feel good at work. The people I work with are great folks, and the work we do is valuable and fulfilling. My mother frequently scolds me for working late hours but I don't see what's the problem. I've prayed for a job that I love and I've got it. Bonus: my office is very dog friendly, so once Kingston makes his move up north, I never have to leave my office. Hooray!

5. I'm going to watch more TV. I have an enormous flat screen in my gorgeous living room that I currently spend a lot of quality time with, but not enough. Immediately after publishing this post I'm calling Comcast (I called yesterday but they were closed for the holiday. Boo.) to order up every extra channel they have. Currently I only have the basic cable channels, and considering I rarely watch anything besides Bravo, NBC, and TLC, I haven't missed out on much, except for HBO. So I'm ordering up every HBO channel they have, in addition to other premium channels that I used to enjoy: Showtime (I miss Weeds!) and Cinemax (solely for quality after-dark programming).

I'm pretty sure I'll be able to stick to the above goals. And what about your resolutions/revolutions? Do tell.

Smooches!

KB