It's All About Exposure

Let me cut straight to the chase: I have been in serious love with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson for some time now. I briefly converted to Catholocism a few years ago becuase I felt only a legit Priest could help me gain forgiveness for literally praising the Lord when news broke that Dwayne was divorcing his wife.

We're all family here at the Jake and Kelly show so I'll fess up: My true reason for moving back home to L.A. was to increase my chances of running into Dwayne. KB does not play when it comes to getting her man.

So it was no surprise this morning that I nearly fainted when I read on Bossip.com that Dwayne was spotted in Hawaii yesterday with some floosie from "Rock of Love"!!! What?!!!

I have been ignoring the rumored engagement of Jennifer Hudson and an "I Love New York" contestant (and former law school classmate of mine). Why? Because I refuse to acknowledge the truth: the only way I am going to land The Rock is to sell my soul to VH1.

I'm too tan for Rock of Love, and I'm no switch hitter, so Tila Tequila is out. Listerine makes bleach flavored mouthwash right? Flavor of Love here I come. Forgive me Lord for I am about to sin. And likely contract syphillis of the mouth. The Rock is worth it!

Although, even if I do gain exposure and his attention, I may not be his type. Judging from the ROL floosie and D's ex, I may be too fierce for him. What's with the drab chicks? Has he seen himself? Yum!!!