Tragic Mulattos, Tyra Style

Leave it to Tyra to bring back the Paper Bag Test.

My friend Derrick went to a taping of the Tyra show today. The topic: "Do light skinned blacks have an advantage over dark skinned blacks." His ex-gf was on the show as one of the light skinned chicks that gets mistaken for white. Or some fuckery like that. The show sounds crazy. I'm usually not a Tyra talk show watcher, but obvs, this is right up my light skinned alley. I can't wait to see it! (Airing late March/early April)

Here's the scoop directly from Derrick:

So, the Tyra show was wild. There were only 3 guys in the audience. In fact, it was so good, Tyra said afterwards they may do a part 2.

They seated us by skin color. Light skinned up top. Dark lower down. Brown on the other side. They passed out paper bags to everyone.

She started with 5 women on stage from chocolate to white. The whitest one was my ex Lisa. No one believed she was black. So all the women talked about their experience and what people called them. Damn, y'all women are cold. The light women were saying that dark women disliked them almost immediately, assuming they were stuck up.

Then they had 5 different women come out and tell their story...one of them, a light skinned woman, was saying she did have advantages. Her dark skinned sister was in the audience. She was much darker (same mother different father) and she was saying how she resented all the favoritism her family showed the lighter sister (who was a model previously and now doing her PhD at an ivy league school). The lighter sister didn't know she felt that way. Tears all around later.

One light skinned sister on stage said she didn't like dark skinned women....said she was so much better looking and dark skinned sisters hated her cuz she had good long hair. The audience booed. Then she said she wouldn't let her son (12 years old) date a dark sister. The joint went crazy! Tyra went off on the light skinned sister who said she wouldn't let her son date some "darkie". Hell, she said "they ('darkies') were just jealous of her long hair and fine features...cuz I ain't got a big nose and fat lips." Oh, did i mention her son was sitting right next to her? He was like, "moms is wrong...I like all women."

Then there were 2 brothers who came out. One just liked light women (he was light). The other liked dark sisters. He was darker. The brother who just liked light skinned women got booed. The brother who said he like dark skinned sisters got cheered until tyra asked him why. His answer...wait for it...wait...

"Dark skinned sisters are easier to get with."

The cheers kinda died out at that point. We are some fucked up people.

Oh shit, I almost forgot, they had 5 models up there. From dark to light. I recognized one as a plus sized model from ANTM. Chocolate sister with big eyes. yum. Anyway, she was saying that being dark wasn't a disadvantage as a plus size model for her in the states, but for the skinny models, it was.

There was one that looked straight up white, and she said, yeah, being light was an advantage and other one said that she found herself overcompensating, using more slang or whatever to make it clear she was black. Tho she said that usually black people could tell...only white people were surprised.

And at the end, we all held up these brown paper bags they'd given us...crumpled them up and threw them away. The entire front row threw them at the crazy chick who forbade her son from dating "darkies."

I couldn't make this shit up if you paid me.

My So-Called Quarter Life Crisis

Picture it: I'm at the most random, non-descript hole in the wall Irish bar in the Valley (somewhere north of LA) for St. Paddy's Day. And who do I run into?

You guessed it...Bobby Mutha-f*ckin Brown!

True story: when I first drove by the bar (and saw a sole black man amongst a swarm of drunken white folk) I thought, "hmm that guy looked like a poor man's Bobby Brown."

I have the pictures to prove it. I was laughing uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Here's the thing: when you run into Bobby "do-do" Brown at a bar in the middle of the Valley on a weekday afternoon, you can't help but question your life's purpose. It's time to really think things through.

Kids, KelleBelle had a quarter-life (okay, I'm two years past) crisis. Real talk: After you see Bobby Brown, you really start thinking about the direction your life is heading. If you don't believe me, come on out for a visit and I'll arrange a run-in and see if you don't have the same life-changing experience! I hear he's making an in-store appearance at the Wal-Mart in Carson next week.

I'll tell you one thing: you will not find KB in the valley nan time soon! B/c if I dare run into Bobby B, Ralph Macchio, Corey Feldman, Ray-J, etc. It's a wrap. I'm moving back to the East Coast! No chance of running into an F list celebrity at a dive bar in South Philly.

Jake, you still have that Tony Robbins DVD? I may need to peep it.

Damn a Recession, It's a Depression!

While most of the nation is discussing the prospects that the economy is in or headed towards a recession, those in the know say that the economy is beyond a recession and headed for a depression. Yikes!

Just think we are about to become our grandparents! Can you imagine? Well in these uncertain times you have make changes. So, in anticipation of the depression I began to think: what us gone do? What us gone eat? So, I came up with a list. Here are my top 10 foods to get you through a depression!

10. Flour. It's cheap and you can do so much with it. You make pancakes, bread, biscuits, stuff for breakfast, stuff for lunch, and stuff for dinner. Flexibility is key in the depression.

9. Box Mac & Cheese. First, everyone loves mac & cheese. Second, it can cost less than a dollar a box!

8. Spam. Gross, but cheap.

7. Vienna Sausages. Not as bad as spam and even cheaper. Gotta have meats.

Interlude: Give me a beat (sidenote, I listen to aol.music.com and listen to only the All Mariah and All Janet stations and NOTHING gets me going like a good ole fashioned "GIMME A BEAT!!!!" I never know when it's going to happen but when it does my heart skips a beat.)

6. Beans. Beans. They're good for your heart.

5. Rice. Just get big buckets of it like the Puerto Ricans.

4. Oatmeal. Umm, yum. It's healthy, delicious, and cheap.

3. Potatoes. Everyone loves a french fry, but there are many ways to make a potatoe.

2. Ramen Noodles. Right. Not just for your doorm room.

1. FREE FOOD! Tips for free food?

-samples at the grocery store
-soup kitchen
-start babysitting, petsitting, plantsitting, etc.
-go to all those luncheons, dinners, and talks where they provide a meal
-eat all the stuff you did as a kid: glue, paste, paper, crayons, mud pies, white out, etc.
-host pot luck dinners

There it is! Now everyone go to the store and stock up!

Cookies and Milk for the Soul v. 2.0

So from time to time I cheat on my gay husband and chat with straight dudes. Please find below a very interesting unedited real convo between me and a male friend of mine* about monogamy, male sexuality, the recent Spitzer prostituion ring fiasco, and what makes sex memorable. What do you think about what he had to say?

*names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Derrick: reality shows?

me: ain't nothin' else on! my next post is going to be about male sexuality

Derrick: oh my

me: I can't ignore the spitzer craziness

Derrick: something about which you know nothing

me: lol my blogging partner does!

Derrick: ah give spitzer a break

me: and he's gay!

Derrick: lol

me: give him a break?I'm not so peeved that he cheatedI'm peeved that he spent all that money!

Derrick: yeah...male identity is 80% estrogen based

me: we are on the brink of a recession

Derrick: sigh...his dick doesn't care bout that

me: go to a club and get a drunk b for free on the let out

Derrick: sigh...listen

me: lol that's a lot of sighing

Derrick: men only know who we are by based on our efforts to get ass

our clothes car career hang out spots all determined by what kind of woman we want

a man in his position can't be himself cuz 1. he's married and 2. cheating puts you in a real vulnerable spot. so, you pay for ass, get to re-establish ur identityit's ugly, but human nature always is

me: I think you need to make a guest blogging appearance

Derrick: lol

me: do you mind if I use some of this?I won't use your real name

Derrick: naw, use it all

me: I'll call you "Derrick"lol!

Derrick: hey, i love writing and talking shit

me: I think we need a straight male voice

Derrick: don't let me get started on ur boy obama

KelleBelle had to take a phone call...

Derrick: did you miss me terribly? since your offline, I'll give you my thoughts on Spitzer... The dumbest thing I've heard come out of this whole thing is people asking "why?" As in, "Why would he throw his career away? ... Why would he take such a risk? Why didn't he think he would get caught?"

me: continue

Derrick: k...let me see, last I checked, the (now former) Governor was married and male. And there is no situation in life more identity sapping then that, particularly for a guy like Spitzer...

me: marriage? saps your identity?

Derrick: Oh God yes... I mean, he's a driven guy, a type A personalityGetting married doesn't just add husband to your list of identies ...lawyer, man, husband, father, etc..11:42 AM for a guy like spitzer it takes away the option of exploring new frontiers
You can't live where you want to livego out when or where you want

me: but didn't he choose that? why get married then

Derrick: it's not just the responsibility, it's the need compromise

me: why go to (my) law school?

if you want to be a hipster?

Derrick: ahhhh...good question. maybe he shouldn't have gotten married, but he dids o, he finds himself having to compromise day in and day out

even worse...he's like alexander crying cuz there are no new worlds to conquer and most type A personalities love women

unlike a lot of men who simply love getting their dick wet

they love the way they taste, they way they smell, they way they sound and move

me: wow

Derrick: and there is nothing more intoxicating than exploring a new woman

me: you need to have your own Dr. Derrick show

Derrick: learning how she likes to be touched

me: for the infedility set

lol

Derrick: what makes her moan or growl
lol
married men are supposed to give that all up

me: what about exploring your wife in a new way? lol

Derrick: sigh

me: never mind that sounds boring

Derrick: yeah

me: lol

Derrick: yep

me: haha

Derrick: cuz no matter what, she's still her
you know her
There is a thrill to being able to make a woman cum...but even that loses it's charge after you figure out how to do it in about 45 seconds
I've been with several hunderd women in my life and to be honest, I can count on 1 hand the number who felt differentlyI don't remember what the nanna felt like

but I remember, almost without exception, the look on their faces when they leaned up to kiss me and the way they tasted and I can still close my eyes and feel teh heat coming through their panties
but most of all, i can still feel the charge I felt when I found that spot on the back of her neck or the inside of her thigh
the spot that made her breathing stop for a moment and her back arch
THAT is what you remember...that is what makes sex memorable
and that charge evaporates after awhile, no matter how good the relationship is
Driven men are driven in everyway...particularly politicians I'd say
they are pros at relating to people, at figuring them out...they get a charge out of it .
their sex life reflects thata nd no amount of risk will deny them so endeth the lesson. lol

me: my word
you been needing to vent? or do you speak like this to all of your friends? I'm happy you did
I never get the straight male perspective
this is going to be a hell of a post!

thanks for the insight

Derrick: lol my pleasure

me: and the tip to never ever date a politician!
or anyone driven
losers here I come!

Derrick: true dat

me: jk

Derrick: just take a look at the mayor of my hometwon, detroit

me: oh jeez!!! that dude

Derrick: kennedy
clinton

me: yeah

Derrick: Gary Hart

me: I wish Hilary's side ho would come out

Derrick: lol not till after the election

me: you know she has some lipstick lez on the side

Derrick: wouldn't blame her...tho for all we know, she is turning ya boy bill out with a strap on
lol i just don't see the point of life long monogomy

The Belle is Back!

I hope everyone has recovered from the week long celebration following Jake's return to the Show. I still have a hangover. But back to work.

Jake, since you covered the three major reality shows, I'll cover a few others that you may have flipped past while looking for Rock/Flavor of Love.

I luuuurve "The Real Housewives of New York City" on Bravo! You've probably heard of the west coast original format: "The Real Housewives of Orange County". That show is so-so. Mildly entertaining. Everyone is pretty, botoxed, and fit. But overall it's pretty snooze. Not "Make Me a Supermodel" snooze, but it could use some pep. Let me break it down why the NYC b's kick the crap out of the SoCal hot moms:

NYC bitches vs. Orange County hoes

Needless to say the NYC b's give attitude! They are catty, backstabbing, petty, violent, and evil! In other words, they give me everything. I love the Countess!


The O.C. hoes were just too friendly and fake. One of them clearly lusted after another's husband, but unlike an nyc b, she just jokingly mentioned how much she admired him. But you could see the lust in her eyes. B, don't you know this show ain't free?! Get some ratings and get yo man!

But what the O.C. hoes lack in attitude they make up for in hair and overall beauty. They're in better shape, have better style, and their hair is far superior to the NYC crew.

Moving onto shows with hot docs as the host...Celebrity Rehab is coming to an end this week. What can I say, I'm a sucker for smart guys with nice arms. Jake I know you saw the episode where we peep Dr. Drew in a t-shirt. Swoon!!!

So who wants to bet on who stays sober the longest? I bet $2 on Mary Carey. And by longest I mean she waited until she left the rehab center's parking lot before she shot up.

Millionaire Matchmaker was fun to watch and I'm sad it's over. But honestly Jake, I was getting a bit tired of Patti's know-it-all attitude. And just her in general. She had a bit too much attitude for someone who is still single, in need of a trainer, and a stylist. But I loved the jewishness she gave on the show. Yes, I know, I'm biased! But my black side kicked back into full gear when "Xavier" was featured on the show. Why did the one black millionaire have to have a kid, and made his fortune through on-line gambling? Is there such a thing as a poor man's millionaire? Jeez louise.

Finally, my other fav reality show that isn't on everyone's radar is Parking Wars! Mostly because it's filmed in Philly. One episode was filmed right in front of my old apartment! Sigh, I'm home-away-from-homesick. :(

Before I start blubbering, let me go. A re-run of the Salt & Pepa show is on...Pep is crazy! and a drag queen.

Smooches,

KelleBelle

The Bitch is Back. Oh, the Bitch is Back!

Well, now that the writers strike is over I guess it's time for Jake to get back to work. Me and Kelly are in a fight because she crossed the picket line. Heifer. But, back to our regularly scheduled programming. How do we pick up where we last left off?

It's always good to talk Reality TV, right? Well, am I the only one who thinks that Amidol, ANTM and Project Runway are better than evers? True story.

Amidol decided to let the gays play this season even one's with purple streaks and a neck that won't quit. They also went back and got some people they rejected last time for dumb reasons. And they are letting bitches use instruments. Good job guys. These bitches are giving me everything! David Archuletta? Fierce. I am sick of the catty flirtation between Cowell and Seacrest (why hasn't he been replaced yet? I'll take Mario Lopez). And, Paula be fuuucked up on the show. Paula will say some crazy shit like: I love you because you remind me of rainbows and kuala bears. I wish I could carry you around underneath my bangs and kiss you on sunday mornings. God...I LOVE HER!!! She fills the void left by Being Bobby Brown. Whitney, I miss you!

Project Runway. See the finale? It gave me everything! Look for me in that lil feather number that Christian showed in a drag show near you as soon as I have it taken in a bit. I don't know how they decided this season because they were all so great. Unlike previous seasons when we had to decide who we hated least. Kudos to them. Now, I hope we don't have to wait a year for another season. Only criticism is that I wasn't feeling Tim Gunn's "Make it Work." I think he was over it. Sometimes he would be done but realize he hadn't said it and then he would go back and mumble...oh, and make it work. Sweetie, each Make it Work should be as good as the last. Just as a hookers blowjob should be as good as the first. Now, TG: Make it Work...BETTER.

ANTM. I've said it once and I'll say it again: it matters not not the girls get uglier each season. Give me Tyra, Ms. Jay, and skinny bitches chasing a dream and I am a happy gay. They are uglier than ever this season, but I do like the new judge. Was sooo over Ms. Twiggy. I am glad Tv has realized that Brits don't make everything more interesting. Sheesh. And let's face it: Tyra is the show. She gives me giggles for days. All that being said...even makeovers couldn't salvage these boogers. Bless they hearts.

That's really all the reality TV I watch. They are essentially the Gay classics. Although, I sometimes watch Making the Band. What a snooze. Diddy thinks there can be a show without Laurie Ann!? No ma'am. Either dance, fight or go home. Over that show.

Loooooooove,

Jake.

P.S. Call me!

I'm Not Racist, My President's Black!

It seems that everyone is on the Barack train these days. And I mean everyone. From obvious supporters (hip liberals and all black people) to surprising backers (Maria Shriver has some cojones!), Barack is definitely winning the popularity contest thus far. And in Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I had to wonder: will Barack's campaign really change the way black people are regarded?

I posed the question to my main b's from law school, which I've posted below along with a fiery response. Join in on the discussion!

KB: "Do you guys think Barack's campaign (and hopefully his election) will really affect how white people regard black people? I mean, on a deeper level. Or is he just gonna be the political equivalent of 'I'm not racist...my best friend is black' whereas the best friend is now the president. I can see the LAPD now...'I didn't unjustly beat those kids with my night stick because they were black...I voted for Barack!'"

Harvard Honey: "Hell to the Naw. Not on any level, whether deep, surface or whatever. Why? Because the unspoken and unacknowledged and subconscious (and racist) assumption underlying white folk's support of Barack is that he is not black. He's transcended race. He's transcended race. He's beyond race. And if they do view him as black, he's different. He's not as black as Sharpton or Jesse. He's 'clean' and 'articulate.' So it's not going to change how they view blacks because he's just in another category from the rest of the lazy shiftless negroes."