The Freshest Black Girl of them All

No, not me. I'm still working on my fierceness game.

Michelle Obama! I have been a fan of 'Chelle since I first became aware of her stature (Glamazons unite!) but I have been paying close attention to her as of late, especially leading up to her phenomenal appearance on The View last week. In KB fashion, I've compiled a list of reasons why I'm such a fan of Mrs. Obama:

6. She's tall! 5'11 to be exact. I've been around 5'9 since age 10 and it ain't easy. You either own it or you crumble under the constant ridicule as an adolescent and societal pressure to be petite. Clearly, M.O. owns her statuesque frame.

Not only does that say something about her - she's fierce just because she's tall in my book - it says something about Barack! It takes a strong, confident man (especially a brotha) to be with a tall woman. I'm sure 'Chellie towers over B when she rocks a pair of (size 11) stilletos and yet, he still married her up and beams like a high yellow lightbulb when he's with her. It shows that he is secure, confident, and fresh in his own right (all qualities that KB looks for in a man...hint hint!).

5. She's a double Ivy yet I don't get that stuck up, snobby vibe that sometimes goes along with such a distinction. (Sorry, it's true!) She knows she's the shizz (or the bee's knees as my mom - the freshest black girl in my world - puts it) but doesn't appear to have let it get to her head. I'm sure she has a lil Whitley Gilbert in her (it's hard not to if you attend these schools - KB herself is not immune to it) but I have a feeling that deep down, she's truly a dope fly girl from around the way and doesn't look down on anyone.

4. She's effortlessly fab. Who else gets compared to Jackie O? I mean really. Not even Vicky B, J.Lo, Bey, Katie H., or any other fashionista that tries their hardest to resemble JKO gets that acknowledgment. Those other b's should take a note from M.O.'s book and try being humble, elegant, and down to earth, for a change.

3. She is unapologetic. Try to catch my girl backtracking on anything she has said or done in the past. Nope. Now, she may explain certain things that were blown out of proportion (that never happens, right?) just for clarity but she leaves it up to the audience to decide for themselves if they approve or disapprove of said statement or action.

2. She is a phenomenal hater-shaker. Even that supposed critical NY Times story on M.O.'s attempt to "clean up her harsh image" was pretty weak! Why? Cuz they ain't got nothin' on her.

1. She's not just the freshest black girl on the block, she's the fiercest woman on the scene. Bump Hilary, Mrs. McCain (something in the milk ain't clean with that woman...don't stare at the pic above too long, lest you'll turn into ice), even Condi.

Michelle's grace, intellect, class, and strength is just what that White House desperately needs! Those house attendants will just have to get used to the smell of Lusters Pink Oil and hot combs on full heat. :)

Michelle has made me proud to be a fierce black girl in my own right. No longer will I push my 4 inch stilletos aside, fearful that I'll tower over the majority of the male population, and be relegated to dance with my own shadow in the corner. Nor will I lie to a gentleman caller who inquires as to what I do or where I went to school, in an attempt to not intimidate him or bruise his fragile ego.

I have faith that there are strong men out there who will love me and my sharp tongue and above-average height. Settling is for dust. Not this chick. Finally, I will make no apologies for anything I have said or done in my past (okay, maybe a few things...). I will continue to work on myself as I grow and learn from my mistakes. I will love and approve of myself, no matter what!

Fresh black (white, puertorican, or haitian) girls (and boys), stand up!

Thin Line!

That's right. It's all overdue and it's not anybody's Monday, but it's still a thin line...



Love

First, KB is there anything above love? I need a better and more accurate way to describe how I feel about the Wendy Williams experience. Sigh. actually, I am not sure that words can ever describe how I feel about Wendy. Perhaps an interpretive dance is the only way to describe how I feel? I love the sound effects, the realness, the rawness, and most importantly the "How you dooins." I have no idea why these people call in to her show. I have no idea why I call into the show. And, I have no idea how the hell these ignant mofos get through and I don't. Grr. These people call in to let their 3 yr old say how you dooin? Why? And, why does she put these people on? Others call just to get cussed out. And what's funny about that is how they call with a simple question that may elicit a simple response. But, Wendy knows the questions to ask and next thing you know you don spilt all the T and she is telling the world how fucked up you and your life are. And, I am at my desk giggling. I used to be opposed to Wendy, but since the quality of my TV watching has deteriorated so much I couldn't justify not listening. I have no idea how I lived without it. I almost quit my job to be her intern. Wendy, call me!

Jake, I have loved WW since I was just a young yellow lass in need of hot gossip. I knew I was onto something when one after one tangy actors attacked her credibility (*cough* Tyson *cough* Shemar Moore) She speaks the troof! And even it's all bold faced lies, she's funny as all hell. And really, that's all that matters in my book.

Hate

Hippy drink chains. I have been going to Pinkberry every day. I have been addicted since I had my first juice 2 weeks ago. I am completely addicted! Perhaps it's true what they say: you are what you eat? Cause I have been living on the Fit & Fruitful. Then, today I stopped by Starbucks this morning and got a mint mocha frap. T D F (to die for). Addicted. Maybe these new addictions can replace my old ones? Doubt it. Damn you liberal, tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, Obama voting hippies and your delicious and expensive drinks!

Yo! Jake, do you know PB has been on my list of to-do's since I moved back to LA? I've yet to taste the amazingness that is their yogurt, and now you done changed the game and tell me I need to try the juice? I didn't even know they had juice. Eh, maybe I'll just stick to my sugar free baskin robbins hard candies and vodka/diet-crans and skip all the hippy hub bub.

Hate that I Love



Reality television. It just doesn't stop. It's like they all build on the last hit reality show. They take all of the good stuff from other shows and put it into one and make you watch. Then they put the worse ones on during the summer when there's no good TV and you are forced to watch. I am upset that I watched that damn Celebrity Circus the other night. Can you imagine? Celebrity Circus. It included Peter Brady, who by the way has been on as many reality television shows as Coral has been on Real World/Road Rules challenges, Wee Man- little person in the circus (shame on everyone involved), and Stacey Dash, who is mad hot and still looks and sounds the same as when she was in Clueless. Why has she made a comeback on Celebrity Circus instead of Dancing with the Stars is beyond me. I should be her agent. Oh, and KB! Joey Fatone is the host! Maybe it was all the chiefing, but he was doing this weird thing with his voice! my neighbor didn't get it. Please watch and verify that he goes in and out of a weird talk show host voice and white boy voice. Drove me nuts. The whole thing is horrendous. DVRd it. Damn, damn, damn. Oh, and how did I not know about So You Think You Can Dance? Goodness it's fun! Trust and believe that I will make one of my nannies learn one of the routines with me. Money in the bank. Boom kat!

Jake, I am still waiting (with umbrella in hand) to re-create the Rihanna inspired dance those fools on Step It Up and Dance made up last season. Where are you? I spose I'll have to wait until next week. Please don't forget your dance shoes. Fanks!

Meanwhile, um, how 'bout I didn't know nathan about "Flipping Out" on Bravo, but yet now (thanks to the marathons Bravo replays over and over) I am absolutely hooked? I tell ya, give me a tall, handsome, gay with OCD and a funny Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine from Seinfeld) look-alike as his side kick, and I am happy as a clam. Who cares that the subject of the show is obsolete. The cast is crazy! And obnoxiously organized and neat, thanks to the HGIC.

Things I Learned in the Rain or on the Train?

Today, it rained. It rained some yesterday too. With the rain comes lessons. Ha, I just made that up, but doesn't it sound like somehting Oprah said? Don't hate- I am really deep, especially when by accident. Anyway, here are the things I learned in the rain, and I learned most of them on the train.

First, you know you are some place you are not supposed to be when the subway goes outside. I took the F to Brooklyn yesterday and could have died when the subway went outside. I was like wait, what just happened? Second, the subway can be an Athropological goldmine. Everything changes from line to line, car to car, and time to time. I myself do not like trains that go from Brooklyn to Queens or to the Bronx (why does the Bronx get a "the" before it? It's unnatural. The Brooklyn? The Chicago? The Ghetto?***<--those are dings) . These are the people on the 2/3 especially. I can get on the thing at the first stop in Manhattan and it will be packed. I can ride it to the UWS and when I get off it is still packed. Who the hell is travelling from Brooklyn to Bronx? Why would you do that? Unnatural.

At 8:30 am on the V you are with the suits. The thin, well dressed folk, who take their jobs and their labels very seriously. At 10am on the V you get the business casual folk with hangovers, ipods, and shades. 5pm on the V is hoi polloi time. These are the folk with hard day all over their face and body. You just knothey are ready to return to Queens and ignore their badass kids. It's no fashion shoot either. It's thighs, butts, and guts galore.

Crossing the border on the subway has it's good, bad, ugly, and fugly. The good is that once you reach the other side you know you are safe from a terrorist attack. The bad is that I always feel like I am suffocating when the train is between burroughs, and it's always the longest time between stops as if it's an inter-galactical trip. The ugly is the amount of lesbians in the burroughs. The fugly is that it gets real hood real quick. I mean you have to shove your murse under you seat, uncross your legs, and put on an entirely different fierce stare- goodbye Tyra, hello Roy Jones Jr. I mean, lest you get bashed.

I apparently, have been on the subway waay too much the past couple of days. Clearly. I have been running all around the city. I move it like a cat. It's very key to live in the center of things in the city. I swear I live at the center of the city, the gay world, and pretty much the universe. Everything goes through my apt, which allows me to change clothes more than any person you know. You know how keen I am on the wardrobe change, so whenever I migrate I change clothes because rarely might you be going to two places in the perfect outfit and if you are you need to diversify. Anywho, I have worn like 7 things in the past 3 days.

Oh, and today I came across the perfect wig for me. It's a seminol moment in a gay man's or any person's life really when you find that wig that you know was made only for you. Unsurprisingly, it involved bangs, layers, and curls in the back. It's really true that the best way to find what you are looking for is to stop looking. (Consequently, I am no longer looking to be thin and am ceasing all diets stat.) I just happen to be walking down the street when I saw this wig in a window. A window I must have walked past a thousand times before and then bam- Jake's wig. It was screaming at me. I did stop and stare, and then I said girl please, stop playin and took my arse home.

The lesson is this: keep your eyes open and pay attention because you never know when the perfect wig is staring you in the face. Oh, and be careful on those trains.

Ya better axe about me!

Cuz I'm a what? A hustler, baby.

I've been a "professional" (in the Ivy League, not Hollywood Blvd., sense) for awhile, but yet I often wish I had just a lil' bit more money for those unaccounted for expenses (ie. gas money!, that special finger wave, steve madden boots, emergency bikini wax, bail money, etc.) that come up from time to time. So, in Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I couldn't help but wonder, what's a good side hustle these days?

5. Slangin'. Nuff said.

4. Hair stylist. I've been known to weave up some good ish for myself and others when there are no other options available...like my three years in Boston. Do they even teach sophisticated hair techniques at beauty schools in Mass.? It seemed like all my b's had to schlep to NYC (or my dorm room) to get a decent updo or extenstions.
3. Exercise class instructor. I have been approached by more than one (okay two) spinning instructors to teach a class or three. Apparently it's great part-time money and you kill two birds with one stone (work out and get paid!). More importantly, you get to be a DJ for an hour!

2. Babysitting. I sincerely love the kids...And I really love giving them back to their duly court appointed guardians/dna-test proven parents. I nannied my way through high school, college, and law school, just because personally I like it. It's one of my many gifts. However, many peeps don't share the gift. Most would get busted by second 14 in the nanny cam. But if you do really love the kids, this is a great option to earn some quick cash.

1. Blogging. Although I would absolutely love to actually get paid for posting random bitch sessions betwixt Jake and I, it's not likely to produce adequate side hustle money. As much as you think the top bloggers get paid, it's still not that much money! Why? Look to legal (sorry).

Jake Takes on Wii

So, I finally jumped in on all the Wii craziness and went and got one! Well, actually I got 2 because the first bundle didn't have Wii Fit, which is all the rave these days. Sidenote, I don't know what my problem is! I do shit just to stay relevant. I got the xbox 360 because I thought it was a cultural necessity only to find out that the Wii is where it's at. I went to see SATC not because I was ever a fan of the show, but because I everyone else was doing it. I think there's an evil puppetmaster that is directing my life. Perhaps, its Diddy? Oprah? Ryan Seacrest? I don't know, but...

The Wii Fit

Is a motherfucking bitch! Since my wii fit was taking too long tto arrive I decided to test out my boyfriend's wii. I tried it during a good time as I was really feeling myself. I had just done 2 fasts and 2 colonics, could fit my 30w gogetem jeans (uncomfortably, but I could get them on), and had received several compliments about the re-me (not new cause I've been here before). So, it was one of those rare moments where I didn't think I was fat.

Then I got on the Wii fit and it told me that my BMI was normal and only 1 point away from perfect. I am like sweet! But, that fascist robomidget wasn't done. He wants me to be perfect, which turns out to mean that I should lose 8 lbs. Struups. Where is this 8lbs gonna come from? I usually agree that one can almost always be thinner, but I think it's discretionary, not mandatory. Geez. I am all fasted out, can't take anymore pills, and refuse to stick anything up my bum anytime soon. I drank juice and ate leaves for a week, so there's no more dieting in me Wii. I hate you, suck it.



Then my Wii Fit finally arrived! The Wii Fit that I had stayed up until 2:30 am trying to track down, the Wii Fit that I bought for like $500 because it only came in a bundle (even though I had just spent $400 on a different Wii bundle), and the Wii Fit that I just had to fucking have by any means necessary. Yup, it arrived. Finally!

I put that bitch in the corner and haven't opened it yet. And, I see the way it looks at me when I walk by too. With disdain, with judgment, with disgust even. It's as if my BF's Fit had communicated to my Fit that I was supposed to have lost 8lbs by now. The problem is that the first Wii fucked me up so much that I have been eating my feelings, so I prolly need to lose like 20lbs now. The last thing I need is to have a personal trainor who can't be reasoned with moving into my studio apartment telling me what to do. Nobody tells me what to do! Okay, Wii Fit can stay in that there box until he is ready to either start paying bills or cut me some slack.

It's crazy. Wii Fit has taken over my life. I am not even using it and it's controlling me. I have seen that little fucker cuss bitches out too. He asks where you have been, yells at you for not following directions, and will even talk about you behind your back. Truth be told, if I could take him to a bar, we'd be bestis. But, for now he needs to be put in his place.



So, tonight I am laying down the law. I am going to introduce Mr. Fit to ebay.com and then to the trash chute. Then I am going to the gym, taking a laxative, stripping naked and getting on my Wii Fit. See how he acts now! Runtellday Mr. Wiiiii Fit.

Funny sidenote. I am such a bitch that I once took it out and set it up so that my fried could get on it. I wasn't going anywhere near it, but I told her she would love it! I totally tried to set her up. I felt guilty about it, but not really. You gots to watch out for people like me! I will make wii fit do my dirty work. We would be good together, but I bet he's fat.

You Do the Math...

...the mainly picture blog. What happens when you put the following things together?

and...




and...

and...

and...

with a library that is predominantly made up of artists like: Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, Aaliyah, and Beyonce?

Let's just say I had to close my blinds so the folk at the law firm across the street couldn't see what goes on up in here. My office is pretty big too. 5, 6, 7, 8...

Ironically, I love it!

During the course of today's events I realized there are two things that I like that are silly.

First, I love it when people invite me to things when they either don't expect me to attend, don't really want me to attend, or know that I cannot attend. Well, unless it's like tickets to see the MiMz in concert. I like invitations, but I don't like doing things. So, a false invitation to me is not an insult, but a gift. But, make sure I know it's a false invite to avoid an uncomfortable situation for all, thanks. By all means please send me invites to events in California or Baltimore.

Second thing I love? I love it when someone gets on the escalator and stands on the left side and block people from walking up. Why? Because I don't want to walk up, but I feel too guilty just standing on the right. I am always afraid that people will judge me for standing. There's just no reason for someone of my age and health to be standing there. So, when someone blocks the walking side I stand on the left and look anxiously like I want whoever to move, but secretly I am cheering them on.

The funny thing is that it's usually some ghetto black chick blocking the walkway and no one is bold enough to say anything to them. I know I'm not. The last thing I need to get cussed out first thing in the morning before I even get to work. And, I definitely don't need to be caught cussing someone out by someone from work cause the only way to fight ghetto is with what? Ghetto (with a little gay flare of course). And who needs a scene like that?

I might have issues.

Thin Line - Sex and The City Edition

After a few readers asked me to post about the Sex and The City movie, I couldn't help but wonder: why not make a special SATC thin line edition?

Love



To be honest Jake, I didn't love the movie. I give it an "eh". What I did love was the entire production of going to the movie. Groups of gals all over the country got together and made a huge event out of it. I think any movie that can bring girlfriends together like that is a good thing, even if the movie itself is just aiight. The cosmos before, during (yes, during), and after the movie were fantastic though!

Hmmm. Love, KB? I must say that Jake loved that they all looked so great and didn't seem to age one bit. I appreciate that they got in shape and pulled it together because God knows I had seen some really bad photos of a few of them during their time off (particularly Miranda). I thought SJP's body was sick! I was in awe. I love you SJP...let's work out together! Oh, and I heart me some Charlotte.

Hate

I hated that besides Samantha, all of the characters worked through the same ol' problems and hang-ups that plagued them time and time again throughout the show. It was quite disappointing to see them confront the same issues that I thought were resolved in the show, and in the end the moral of the story was essentially: you're too old (and haggard! damn those b's aged.*) to land anyone else so just accept whatever scraps he gives you. Boo.

Jake hated Jennifer Hudson. Grrr. What is the all the rage about with her? I thought she was bad in Dreamgirls and even worser in SATC. Each scene with her made me sad. Perhaps it's the chemistry between the rest of them that made her stand out? I don't know, but if you are going to be chubbers you better be great! There are about 50 pretty chicks that could done what she did and perhaps added to the whole fashion aspect of the movie.

I also hated all the attention on Miranda and her business. I was so over all of it. I also hated all the lonely, lifeless bitches who were so excited about this movie. They got all dressed up, clapped when it came on, clapped during scenes, and applauded once it ended. I was like you all need a life and stop living through these bitches and their problems from the nineties. Then when the lights came on I realized that these were all fat bitches and they were alle ating popcorn and watching the movie. Would Carrie or Samantha or Charlotte have popcorn at a movie? Nope. Why am I so mean? Oh, and one last thing. I hated that Samantha didn't screw the neighbor. You gots to get it girl!

Hate that I Love



Jake, I hate that I still love Sex and the City! I'm tots going to see the movie again. And not just because I was quite tipsy and don't remember every detail. But because despite all of their faults, I love those broads!

I'd like to see more girlfriend themed movies. Who do I need to speak to about a Golden Girls movie? Or Waiting to Exhale 2? I'd even take a Living Single straight to DVD joint. Make some calls...thanks!

*Samantha looked the best IMO. The dudes didn't fare so well in the aging gracefully area either. Smith Jarret gave me nothing, and Steve looked like he aged 13 years, not 3. I bet the cast of Waiting to Exhale 2 would look just as fierce as they did 15 years ago.

Oh, KB, where do I begin? First, Waiting to Exhale would include Whitney Houston and she has aged times 3 since then. Although, crackheads do seem to have superhuman powers, so maybe. Second, I would be first in line for the Golden Girl's movie at 12:01, but can they even stay awake long enough to complete a scene? Third, I want a Girlfriends movie including Toni Childs who is my favorite TV character in the history of TV. I believe her character is loosly based on me. Fourth, did you see SJP's legs? Her abs? Check alladat out during your second viewing.

Meanwhile, I hate the I loved the ending. At first I was like ugh, do we have to have a happy fucking ending and why do you have to keep going back to this dude? Then I realized that they were just keeping it real. I am a very forgiving person and I never get those folk who throw away relationships based on what they think they are sposed to do as opposed to how they really feel. So, in that sense I loved it. But, I kinda hated it too.