Reason #867 Single Women Should Own a Dog

Picture it! I'm home chatting on-line with one of my b's. Suddenly, I hear Kingston growling and barking like MAD. I go check on him and see that someone had left a bouquet of flowers and a plastic bag full of stuff on the ledge of the patio wall!!! WTF? I hop on the side door steps to peep who's outside and see a thin white man in the middle of the street. He yells, "Hi, I used to live across the street 5 years ago. Did you live here 5 years ago?" And I said, "Well, yes I grew up here. But I don't think you have the right person." He says, "There's a note!" I said okay.

Weird central. So I take the bouquet, the bag, and the note inside. What in the fuck. Check the contents of the bag:

1 family size bottle of pinot grigio

1 large bottle of water

1 large can of full throttle energy drink

1 pack of gum

1 8-pack of Hershey's chocolate

Again, what in the fuck!? So then I get to the note. Which says:

"My name is Erik, I used to live here 4 years ago. I would like to get to know you either for sex now and then (F,B) or to be friends and hangout. I did not know what you like so I got a little of everything." - Erik 310-xxx-xxxx

So I immediately think, okay, this dude must have formed some crazy crush on my brother - because he lived here about 5 years ago, not me. And the note is wildly inappropriate for a woman.

Then I heard the front gate open. I let Kingston in the house and he growls like crazy.

I open the front door all hard core like I'm about to whoop someone's ass and then give Kingston the leftovers for dinner. The porch light is on and dude is under the lamp like he's in an interrogation room. I look at him in the eye and see immediately that homey is high as a mofo kite. Eyes completely bloodshot. I have never seen this dude in my life. But he was not in his right mind.

So I say, Hi, I think you have the wrong address, I'd be happy to give you back the flowers and bag of treats. And he said, no these were for you. You lived here years ago right? And I said yes but just to visit, as I was away at school, LAW SCHOOL. I am a PROSECUTOR NOW, doing mostly drug cases. And he says, "Oh wow that's impressive." Total drug thing to say. Then I say well, look I have to be up early for work and thanks for coming by because I was about to call the police and will make that call if I hear any further disturbances.

He apologizes profusely and leaves.

Just as I'm about to call my bro to take a red-eye to LA, I hear the front gate open again.

I'm pissed now. I swing the door open, Kingston in the background ready to have some white meat for dinner. Dude says, I'm sorry again, but I'd like the stuff back. I'm really sorry to keep you up. I said, fine, wait here. I lock the door, get the ish, and go back to the front door. I give him the stuff and say, "I trust this is the end of tonight's activities. If I hear the gate open one more time - for whatever reason - the police will be called and I will let my dog out first." He nods, says he understands, and leaves. But first he says he is a navel academy grad and makes a lot of money.

What the eff?! Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

All I have to say is thank God for my mangey mutt. This isn't the first time he has warned me of danger.