Shallow thoughts with KelleBelle

Do I even need to write an introductory paragraph?

Some thoughts...

Lime is the new Cherry

Think about it: Coke with Lime, Beer with Lime, Lime Doritos (not that there was ever cherry doritos, but still).

I predict coconut to be the next fruit essence du jour. Pomegranate got too cocky and hasn't captured mainstream appeal as of yet.

What else is "new"?

Illegitimate is the new Legitimate

At least in Hollywood. Name the last kid who was conceived by legally married parents? Not that there's anything wrong with it. My father's illegitimate.

Straight is the new Gay

Manscaping is commonplace for straight men; and we've done away with the whole "metrosexual" label. Chicks are making hit records about kissing other ladies, and everyone under the sun can marry whomever they choose in Cali. Sidenote: while at Outfest this year, I was tempted to hide my straightness in an effort to be a part of the cool kids. When asked if I was "family" I hung my head in shame and said, "no. I'm straight" accompanied by a heavy sigh. Straight is so boring these days.

Dulce de leche is the new cookie dough

Remember when cookie dough ice cream first jumped off? As a former fat kid, you bet your bottom dollar I remember the launch of that flavor quite vividly. Recently, dulce de leche has been the new hotness. It's yummers, but has yet to catch on quite like cd.

Black is the new...Black

...according to Italian Vogue. The July edition tells us nothing new - black beauty is where it's at! Peep the models on Project Runway that always make the biggest impact. They're invariably various shades of brown. Don't even make me refer you to Christian's winning collection. Only fierce brown and black models could do those clothes justice.

Reality is the new fantasy

And not just on television. Have you noticed that regular folks are starting to drink their own koolaid? I blame it on reality tv stars, the blogosphere, and social networking sites a la facebook and myspace. Folks create this entire new (and usually improved) persona of themselves and start to believe their own hype. Look, I only post flattering pics of myself, but trust, I know I am no Liya or Naomi. And just because you write a few witty posts about pop-culture, does not a celebrity make.*

Smirnoff Ice is the new Zima

...and they're both just the new wine coolers. I was too young to really know about Zima during it's peak popularity. But word on the street is it tastes just like smirnoff ice, but with an added air of corny-ness. Not sure why.

And last, but certainly not least:

The Obamas are the new Kennedys!

Okay kids, that's it for me. Thanks for indulging my random (somewhat) shallow thoughts.

Next time you're at the club ask the bartender for a Zima, with lime! ;)

Smooches,

KB

*Jake and I ran into a semi-well known blogger in LA and homey had the nerve to have an entourage! B please.

Say What Now?

K to the B...how on earth you gone blog about television and leave me out. Don't you know that I live for television? Few employed people watch as much TV as I do. I mean I stay up late just to watch all of the things on my DVR...sometimes more than once. So, now I must opine.

My favorite show these days is definitely the Wendy Williams Show. Don't hate. I be loving her long time. She's totally a friend in my head. I know if we were to ever meet we would be bestis! I swear she is a gay man. She could fit in with me and my crew and no one would skip a beat. I should really work on that because it's always good to have a girlfriend who's heels I can fit. You know, just in case... Anyways, the show is everything, but I am biased.

Currently my day consists of: Mariah and Janet from 10-2. The Wendy Williams Experience from 2-7, focus exclusively on my work from 7-9. Then I go home and it's the Wendy Williams Show, Regis & Kelly, my sports shows, SYTYCD (yes, I watch it every damn day cause I save it on my DVR) and then if I am lucky I get to watch such GREAT shows as: Brooke Hogan knows best (I mean if Wendy loves you, I love you), Denise Richards: It's Complicated (she's gorgeous), Run's House (who doesn't love this show), I Love New York (those bitches is dumb), Best week Ever, TMZ, Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, and Scare Tactics. Mix in some Golden Girls, Friends, Will & Grace, and Wii and before you know it it's 2am.

Summer TV has never been this freaking good. All that's missing from this summer line up is the Jake & Kelly Show starring Jake and Kelly. In the first episode: Jake & Kelly go looking for the Chief in West Hollywood and surprisingly fail at it. Who wouldn't tune into that? Episode 2: Jake and Kelly go stalking G-List stars in West Hollywood and fail. Episode 3: Jake and Kelly say fuck West Hollywood and find themselves in Chelsea looking for the Chief and stalking G-list stars.

But enough about that.

Television is great, but I have 3 general comments about reality television:

1. Why are we supposed to believe that actors are just being real on their reality television shows. Really Denise Richards? I actually think her acting is better in movies than on her show.

2. I love reality television, but sometimes keeping it real and go real wrong. Like, I don't want to see ugly people on television unless the show is about them being ugly and only if it includes a makeover at the end. Apply that to fat folk too.

3. How do they decide who get's a reality television show? I am sure I meet whatever the standard is. Bravo, call me; eat it, VH1. Like every damn season should include a reality show that involves Bobby Brown, Diddy, and New York. I mean just make that ish happen. Actually, I think they should have a casting show where they let us, the viewers, vote on who should get their own reality show. This way we don't have to follow around Kim Porter. Unless she is going to call Diddy up and cuss him out, I don't want to hear it, let alone see it. However, I do want to know what Naomi Campbell is doing. I wish I were the Grand Marshall of reality TV.

Are you there TV? It's me, KelleBelle

Due to the writer's strike, the possibility of an actor's strike, and the relatively low cost of producing a "reality" show, scads of old and new "un-scripted" (ha!) television shows are hitting the airwaves...And KelleBelle couldn't be happier! It's simple, silly, and entertaining tv that gives immediate return on your investment. I never got on the Lost or Greys bandwagon because I missed half of the first season and was honestly just too lazy to invest the time necessary to learn the characters and plot lines.

But reality tv spoon feeds you tomfoolery and f*ckery by the mouthful without all the drama of appointment television. And if you miss the latest episode, never fear, it'll be played 10,000 times by the week's end. Here are a few shows I am loving and anticipating, leaving out the obvious: Project Runway (this season is snooze so far p.s.), Top Model, Top Chef, Real Housewives of any city, etc.

First things first: The Wendy Williams Show! Yes, I know it's not a reality tv show but I had to mention it. Although not as entertaining as her radio show (it may have something to do with her having a face made for radio) I still look forward to watching it every day during my lunch break. She tots has ADD and the production budget is probably around a five spot, but the random audience comments (apparently you have to be a black woman from New Jersey or a dominican gay man to attend the show) and haphazard interviews gives me giggles for days. Despite the awkward pauses, the ridiculous amount of commercial breaks, and her ill-fitting wigs and attire, I hope the show gets better with time and will be extended past its 6-week trial run.

"It's Wendy and we're different here."

New Reality TV Shows that will be infecting your TV and computers like a case of Hep C (sorry Nat and Pam):

Kim Porter's reality show! I knew Lifetime would have to step their game up when Project Runway moves to the network. I mean come on, the old slate of Golden Girls re-runs followed by The Nanny re-runs followed by more Golden Girls (although I lurve me some GG -- RIP Sophia!) just ain't gonna cut it. I predict the show will capture Diddy's baby momma getting her poor man's Kimora on. Could be snooze or could be fab. We'll see...

I Want to Work for Diddy (MTV). Um, no actually I don't. But I do want to see the gluttons for punishment that will kill themselves for the chance to wipe Diddy's arse. Isn't this just another Making the Band sans singing and dancing?


Janet Jackson's dance show (MTV). I'm not 100% sure if the show is more "dancelife" or So you think you can dance" but regardless, I loves me some Janet.

Shows returning:

The Salt-N-Pepa show! (VH1) I love those old broads.

Celebrity Rehab (VH1). Mmmm Dr. Drew.

Shows I'm praying Jesus will do away with before it's too late:

Keeping up with the Kardashians (E!)

From G's to Gents (MTV)

Brooke Knows Best (Vh1). Um, no she doesn't... and are we sure she is not a he? I'm just saying...

Debuting in August:

New York Goes to Hollywood (VH1). I can't and I won't.

Pamela Anderson's Show (E!). Will this be taking place at her house or the clinic?

Paris Hilton's Search for a new BFF (MTV)
Luke's Show (of 2 Live Crew infamy) (VH1)

But just when I was ready to give my eulogy at TV's funeral, CNN saves the day!

Real Talk: Tune in Wednesday, July 23 at 9pm and Thursday, July 24 for a special presentation, "Black in America." Looks good, looks real good.

Smooches!

KB

I Love Money! Weekly Review

Episode 3: "Kiss Me, I've got an STD"

Ugh. I'm on a time crunch so let's get to it.

First, a bit of couples news: Heat and Destiny are apparently an item. The Entertainer is jealous and wants Destiny for himself. 12Pack and Heather are another item. All of this is fueled by loads of alcohol, naturally.

And now for the new team captains.

Gold team: The Entertainer

Green team: Mr. Boston

The teams are instructed to pair up, dress for a "luncheon", and get ready for a real "mouthful" of a challenge. I doubt any of these nit-wits have been to a luncheon, let alone know how to dress for one.

Anywhether, the teams pair up based on ill-conceived strategies. The Green team pairs up people based on their assumption that the next challenge will have them engaged in a Fear Factor sort of eating competition. Whereas, the Gold team has no strategy at all and just slaps people together randomly.

Well, the Green team's assumption isn't that far off. The challenge definitely has a fear factor aspect to it. But mostly because of the high chance of catching an infection, a la herpes and/or syphillis of the mouth.

This challenge is based on an episode of Flavor of Love, when New York and Flav shared what was apparently a record-breaking extremely long gross std swap kissing session.Did I mention Boston was paired with Chance? Awesome!

The team with the longest kissing couple wins. Every couple must kiss at least once, for even a half a second, or else that team is disqualified. Of course the green team is scared Chance will not "take one for the team." Heather reminds Chance that if he does kiss Boston, it will surely garner him all sorts of notoriety, "You'll be on tmz, best week ever, my myspace page!" Ya gotta love these famewhores.

Shockingly, Chance turns down the chance to be on Heather's myspace page and refuses to kiss Boston. Green team is disqualified. Heat throws a towel at Chance's back in disgust, clearly forgetting that Chance "don't play that!" Chance, in a futile attempt to prove his manhood, challenges Heat to a fist fight but of course just yells like a mean girl. Destiny steps in and stirs up the kool-aid. Snooze. Speaking of kool-aid, Entertainer points out that Heat does nothing to defend Destiny when Chance goes off on her. Destiny cries into Entertainer's arms, explaining that she is "about to come on her period." Lovely.

The Green team cannot make a decision as to whom to send to the elimination round. Therefore The Entertainer gets to decide for them. He chooses Meghan, Boston, and Heat.

The power outing consists of Meghan, Boston and Heat going with The Entertainer to a beachside table where the four get to sip bottle upon bottle of wine while the Entertainer yells and scowls at all three of them.

Boston fakes a stomach ailment and begins puking uncontrollably at the table. Somehow, his nose started bleeding as well. Someone has been taking classes at the Learning Annex! Well, played B. His acting chops bested Toastee's fake fall from last week in her successful attempt to obtain the pity vote.

The Entertainer loves his momentary position of authority. He cusses out Meghan and tells her she's a bleeping bleep. She replies that she is just "misunderstood." Maybe that's because anything she says is unintelligible due to her child-like voice (and undeveloped grasp of the english language) and drunken slurs.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna need to know where Meghan got that bathing suit from. It's uber cute. Does that make me a hoochie? Ah well. It's ferosh.

Yada yada yada, The Entertainer fakes out Heat and sends his lil arse home so Entertainer can have Destiny all to himself.

Alright kids, look out for next week's review a little earlier on Sunday.

Until then...

KB

I Love Money Weekly Review

Okay kids, here's your weekly recap of the latest episode of "I Love Money" or, as Joel McHale calls it, "The Real World/Road Rules challenge with syphillis."

Episode 2: "Only the Weak Survive"

Gold Team vs. Green Team

The Gold Team is full of athletes: Hoopz, Rodeo (a personal trainer), 12 pack (gym rat/meathead), Nibbles (despite her lisp, she's quite athletic), Entertainer, Toastee, Pumkin.

The Green Team is a mess: Chance & Real, White Boy, Destiny, Boston, Heat, Megan. Basically the most unathletic group of sissies you could imagine.

1st assignment: pick a new team captain. Each team must pick a new team captain each episode. No one can be team captain twice in a row. The losing team selects three of its members to be up for elimination and the winning team's captain gets to pick who, of the three, is eliminated.

Rodeo is the new Gold Team captain.

Chance (who for the first time in history is not wearing his do-rag) is the new Green Team captain for about 2 minutes before he made it crystal clear that he should never be in any kind of authoritative position, ever. Destiny succeeds him.

1st team challenge: Bed Battle, based on a memorable episode of FOL where two girls slug it out on a bed, or something. Chile, I don't know.

Anywho, the basic premise is two jerks battle it out american gladiator style on two beds hanging over water. Whoever stays on the bed and doesn't lose their hittin' stick, wins.

Round 1: 12 pack vs. White Boy. Surprisingly, White Boy wins.

Round 2: Entertainer vs. Heat. They both almost die from asphyxiation. Not sure why. I suppose because both are chain smokers. Entertainer wins somehow.

Round 3: Hoopz vs. Real. Talk about battle of the pretty broads!

Hoopz wins. Real claims he went soft on her because she's a chick and he has a crush on her. Yeah, and he also has nan an athletic bone in his body.

Round 4: Rodeo vs. Chance. Chance wails on Rodeo like she copped the last jar of Ampro curl defining gel from RiteAid. He ends up winning because Rodeo's thick ass neck gets caught in the side cables.

It's all tied up at 2-2

Round 5: Nibbles vs. Boston. Nibbles is extremely excited to prove her worth to her team. Boston is excited for the "fun sexual experience" that is about to commence.

Boston wins. Everyone's shocked. Chance summed it up nicely: "No one thought that g.i. jane, grizzly, wilder beast looking woman would lose to sorry ass Mr. Boston."

After the days activities, the crew heads back to the house and you guessed it...starts drinking!

Later, they head to the "Vault" where the Gold team (the losing team) has to select three team mates who will be up for elimination. If they don't make a decision within 15 minutes, Green team will make the decision for them. It takes the Gold team about 42 seconds to send Nibbles, Pumkin, and Toastee to the elimination round.

The three up for elimination get to go out with Destiny on a "power outing" to convince her why they should stay.

Toastee has a bone to pick with Nibbles because she's the one who called out Toastee's porn past while they were on Flavor of Love. Toastee and Pumkin agree to strategize together.

The idea of these twits hatching any kind of plan is simply ridiculous. I doubt they can even spell the word strategy. Anyway, off to the power outing, which is apparently at El Torito.

While the girls sip margaritas, local dancers perform on stage. Pumkin describes the scene with the class and eloquence we have come to expect from her: "the Mexicans were dancing on the stage and bouncing around...I have Mexican family members but they're not that Mexican." Jesus.

Toastee fakes an injury as part of her strategy to convince Destiny that it's in her best interest to keep the weaker competitors and cut Nibbles, the fiercely competitive beast. Pumkin uses the same line of reasoning (she also lied to Destiny for the pity vote and said she has gained weight since being on FOL because she had an eating disorder on the show). Of course Nibbles' athletic ass can't even fake the funk and in a pathetic attempt to downplay her physical fitness says, "well, yeah, I mean, I do Yoga."

Back at the house, Megan and Brandi give Boston a massage by the pool as a reward for him winning the challenge. Of course he busts out the zebra print thong. Yuck. He has absolutely no shame. Expect to see lots more of him on VH1 for the rest of eternity.

In an amazing turn of events, Chance suspects Toastee is faking her injury! He must have some magical intuition pomade in that head of his.

Destiny momentarily ponders the idea that maybe physical strength isn't everything and that perhaps she should be more suspicious of the feeble contestants who are more likely to be manipulative.

Kudos to Toastee's acting abilities. She may have a future on "Cinemax after Dark" after all.

Unfortunately for Nibbles, Destiny couldn't get past her athleticism or lisp and is sent home.

Next week's episode looks a bit more interesting with lots more fighting and Boston tries to kiss Chance. Sigh, I can't believe I just wrote the previous sentence. I'm off to watch Masterpiece Theater in an attempt to cleanse my television palate.

Until next week...

KB

The Road Show

First, let me just say that I have so much to blog about, but it doesn't even fit together. I don't even know where to start! I could just throw it all into one blog or several short blogs or maybe it'll come up again at a later time. Who knows, but I do miss you guys. *Crickets*

Second, Jake and Belle recently hung out in Los Angeles and it was...how do you say...can only be described as...YUM! We had a freaking blast. Want to know what I learned during that trip?

1. KelleBelle is my Road.Dog. You want to know why we get along so well? Because I don't know anyone who eats as little and drinks as much as we do. I mean we might have a nibbly thing here or there, but for the most part the only solid foods we have is at the bottom of our sangria. For two days we tanned and drank and talked about everything and nothing at all.

2. The men in LA are hot. I mean disgustingly hot. Although, the black guys are not that hot at all. I think all the hot black guys flea to Atlanta and New York.

3. In LA, Mexicans interact with you in social settings. Whilst there I noticed mexicans out at bars and such, which led me to realize that the only time I see Mexicans in NY is when they take my plate away. Are they invisible? Where do they go after work? Where do they live? Queens? I am really puzzled by this one.

4. There are marijuana stores in LA. Can you imagine? I am not even sure if you need a prescription, but there are definitely storefronts. It's so Amsterdam, but not.

5. I heart shopping on Melrose because you can haggle for better prices. In today's uncertain economic climate haggling is very important.

6. As much as I love LA, I prolly couldn't live there. I would never leave my house because I would never be sober enough to drive. I stay on something and I find designated drivers to be snoozefests.

7. I am always glad when I leave LA. Whenever I return my rental car there is a collective sigh of relief that I am finally off the road. I always feel like each moment I spend on the road gets more dangerous. I am just not a good driver. I can handle the highway and straight driving, but if you throw in lights, people, and turns...I freak out. Why? Because I think I can do anything I want whenever I want. Switch lanes, abrupt turns, cut you off, etc. Oh, and if I am following directions...forget about it!

I Love Money! Weekly Review

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that after a year and a half long hiatus, KelleBelle has finally found a show worthy enough to be the subject of a weekly review: I Love Money! ("ILM") Premiering July 6th on VH1. Why is it worthy? Because it is a hot ass mess that writes itself.

The show is so unnecessary and degrading that I refuse to subject my reality-show loving friends and family to the hell of actually watching the hour long pathetic-fest each week. So, as I did with I Love New York (kelshap.blogspot.com), I will provide a weekly recap of the show, highlighting the low-lights. I also intend to score a few sweet interviews with the cast members as I did before. I hope Real hasn't changed his number.

So here's the skinny:

17 souless dimwits representing 3 reality shows: Flavor of Love ("FOL"), I Love New York ("ILNY"), and Rock of Love ("ROL") compete in weekly obstacle course challenges. The winner receives a $250K prize. VH1 needs to stop playing like we're not in a recession and let the prize be a $50 gas card. You know all of the contestants would've signed up regardless of what the prize was, as long as they were guaranteed to be on TV.

And...the contestants:

Everyone (and I mean everyone) is jobless and I'm convinced, legally retarded. Real talk.

Pumkin - FOL. She got fired from her job as a teacher after the show aired (kudos to that school district). On ILM to pay for a boob job.

12 pack - ILNY. His brilliant idea to tour the country with Heat on a "party boy" tour (read: low-budget stripper review) didn't work out. Shocker. He explains that before the show, he was going to go to college, maybe get a masters degree, or go to law or med school. But since he did the reality show, all sorts of opportunities have presented themselves. Um, you mean like "I love Money"? Cuz that seems to be the only thing he's got going on.

Heather - ROL. Tattooed Brett's name on her neck...and got sent home. On ILM to pay for tattoo removal. Seriously.

Nibbles - FOL2. On ILM to fund her dream of building a dominatrix chamber in her basement.

White boy - ILNY. Still white. Still a boy. On ILM to pay for investments that need "investin."
Destiny - ROL 2. On ILM to buy a Corvette.

Heat - ILNY. He's a model and has a movie coming out...appropriately titled, "Unemployed."

Rodeo - ROL. Now back in Georgia, she uses her "fame" to help bring random strangers out of blue funks. Yeah, I don't know either.

Midget Mac - ILNY 2. Despite his stature he is remarkably trifling. He was able to impregnate his normal sized girlfriend thrice. What he'd do with the ILM money? $200K to his parents, $50K to strippers. I suppose his three children and girlfriend will be fine with that.

Brandi - ROL.

Hoopz - FOL. "Winner" of season 1. I had heard she caught a case (rhymes with merpes) from someone in T.I.'s camp around her 14 th minute of fame. But I ain't one to gossip... (although Midget Mac brought up the allegation on the show! Snap! Clearly, he reads MediaTakeout as well...which is where I found the scoop.)

Meghan - ROL. She was interviewed on vacation in Miami where she brought her "mentally challenged" chihuahua...so he could be among fellow Mexicans ("because obviously there are a lot of Mexicans in Miami").

Toastee - FOL. Busted for porn (as in, she was in one) and sent home from the show.

The Entertainer - ILNY2. Sucked on NY's toe. 30 year old pizza boy living at home with his parents and similarly situated schleppy brother in upstate new york.

Mr. Boston - ILNY. He has his STD results posted on his bedroom door. Loves the post-it note that says, "Ladies:" in sloppy red marker directing his bedmates' attention to the important paperwork below. Hollywood's favorite D-list trainwreck Gary Busey is apparently his life coach and advises young Boston to visit a doctor to see if he is dyslexic. Yo, when Gary Busey advises you to see a medical professional to determine if you have a learning disability, it's time to really think hard about where your life is headed. That's almost as bad as seeing Bobby Brown at a random bar in the valley on a weekday afternoon.

Real and Chance - ILNY . Yall know I saved the best for last! Stallionaires, son! First things first. Their hair. Jesus! Clearly Real has been deep conditioning non-stop since the minute ILNY wrapped. And naturally, Chance's wave cap was firmly in place.

The first challenge was to grab as much cash* as they could while in a glass box with money flying around them. The two that stuff the most dough in their black bikinis (men and women) will determine who will be team captains.

Chance refused to take his doo rag off and was disqualified. I mean...duh! I don't have to remind you how precious his wave-developing time is. His curl is worth way more than no fistfuls of cash.

*I'm sorry, did I mention that the cash was actually pesos? Guaranteeing there will be no dignity whatsoever left behind.

Anywhether, Hoopz and Whiteboy were the top peso-catchers. KelleBelle of yesteryear would make a cheap Jew joke (she can because she is one) but she has since grown.

The team captains choose teams. Who's left standing? Midget Mac. Probably the person who needed the prize money the most.

Until next week...

KB

Note to VH1: Stop playin' and get ya girl KB to host I Love Money 2 (you know there'll be one). The current host is snoooring.