I Love Money Weekly Review

Okay kids, here's your weekly recap of the latest episode of "I Love Money" or, as Joel McHale calls it, "The Real World/Road Rules challenge with syphillis."

Episode 2: "Only the Weak Survive"

Gold Team vs. Green Team

The Gold Team is full of athletes: Hoopz, Rodeo (a personal trainer), 12 pack (gym rat/meathead), Nibbles (despite her lisp, she's quite athletic), Entertainer, Toastee, Pumkin.

The Green Team is a mess: Chance & Real, White Boy, Destiny, Boston, Heat, Megan. Basically the most unathletic group of sissies you could imagine.

1st assignment: pick a new team captain. Each team must pick a new team captain each episode. No one can be team captain twice in a row. The losing team selects three of its members to be up for elimination and the winning team's captain gets to pick who, of the three, is eliminated.

Rodeo is the new Gold Team captain.

Chance (who for the first time in history is not wearing his do-rag) is the new Green Team captain for about 2 minutes before he made it crystal clear that he should never be in any kind of authoritative position, ever. Destiny succeeds him.

1st team challenge: Bed Battle, based on a memorable episode of FOL where two girls slug it out on a bed, or something. Chile, I don't know.

Anywho, the basic premise is two jerks battle it out american gladiator style on two beds hanging over water. Whoever stays on the bed and doesn't lose their hittin' stick, wins.

Round 1: 12 pack vs. White Boy. Surprisingly, White Boy wins.

Round 2: Entertainer vs. Heat. They both almost die from asphyxiation. Not sure why. I suppose because both are chain smokers. Entertainer wins somehow.

Round 3: Hoopz vs. Real. Talk about battle of the pretty broads!

Hoopz wins. Real claims he went soft on her because she's a chick and he has a crush on her. Yeah, and he also has nan an athletic bone in his body.

Round 4: Rodeo vs. Chance. Chance wails on Rodeo like she copped the last jar of Ampro curl defining gel from RiteAid. He ends up winning because Rodeo's thick ass neck gets caught in the side cables.

It's all tied up at 2-2

Round 5: Nibbles vs. Boston. Nibbles is extremely excited to prove her worth to her team. Boston is excited for the "fun sexual experience" that is about to commence.

Boston wins. Everyone's shocked. Chance summed it up nicely: "No one thought that g.i. jane, grizzly, wilder beast looking woman would lose to sorry ass Mr. Boston."

After the days activities, the crew heads back to the house and you guessed it...starts drinking!

Later, they head to the "Vault" where the Gold team (the losing team) has to select three team mates who will be up for elimination. If they don't make a decision within 15 minutes, Green team will make the decision for them. It takes the Gold team about 42 seconds to send Nibbles, Pumkin, and Toastee to the elimination round.

The three up for elimination get to go out with Destiny on a "power outing" to convince her why they should stay.

Toastee has a bone to pick with Nibbles because she's the one who called out Toastee's porn past while they were on Flavor of Love. Toastee and Pumkin agree to strategize together.

The idea of these twits hatching any kind of plan is simply ridiculous. I doubt they can even spell the word strategy. Anyway, off to the power outing, which is apparently at El Torito.

While the girls sip margaritas, local dancers perform on stage. Pumkin describes the scene with the class and eloquence we have come to expect from her: "the Mexicans were dancing on the stage and bouncing around...I have Mexican family members but they're not that Mexican." Jesus.

Toastee fakes an injury as part of her strategy to convince Destiny that it's in her best interest to keep the weaker competitors and cut Nibbles, the fiercely competitive beast. Pumkin uses the same line of reasoning (she also lied to Destiny for the pity vote and said she has gained weight since being on FOL because she had an eating disorder on the show). Of course Nibbles' athletic ass can't even fake the funk and in a pathetic attempt to downplay her physical fitness says, "well, yeah, I mean, I do Yoga."

Back at the house, Megan and Brandi give Boston a massage by the pool as a reward for him winning the challenge. Of course he busts out the zebra print thong. Yuck. He has absolutely no shame. Expect to see lots more of him on VH1 for the rest of eternity.

In an amazing turn of events, Chance suspects Toastee is faking her injury! He must have some magical intuition pomade in that head of his.

Destiny momentarily ponders the idea that maybe physical strength isn't everything and that perhaps she should be more suspicious of the feeble contestants who are more likely to be manipulative.

Kudos to Toastee's acting abilities. She may have a future on "Cinemax after Dark" after all.

Unfortunately for Nibbles, Destiny couldn't get past her athleticism or lisp and is sent home.

Next week's episode looks a bit more interesting with lots more fighting and Boston tries to kiss Chance. Sigh, I can't believe I just wrote the previous sentence. I'm off to watch Masterpiece Theater in an attempt to cleanse my television palate.

Until next week...

KB