I Love Money! Weekly Review

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that after a year and a half long hiatus, KelleBelle has finally found a show worthy enough to be the subject of a weekly review: I Love Money! ("ILM") Premiering July 6th on VH1. Why is it worthy? Because it is a hot ass mess that writes itself.

The show is so unnecessary and degrading that I refuse to subject my reality-show loving friends and family to the hell of actually watching the hour long pathetic-fest each week. So, as I did with I Love New York (kelshap.blogspot.com), I will provide a weekly recap of the show, highlighting the low-lights. I also intend to score a few sweet interviews with the cast members as I did before. I hope Real hasn't changed his number.

So here's the skinny:

17 souless dimwits representing 3 reality shows: Flavor of Love ("FOL"), I Love New York ("ILNY"), and Rock of Love ("ROL") compete in weekly obstacle course challenges. The winner receives a $250K prize. VH1 needs to stop playing like we're not in a recession and let the prize be a $50 gas card. You know all of the contestants would've signed up regardless of what the prize was, as long as they were guaranteed to be on TV.

And...the contestants:

Everyone (and I mean everyone) is jobless and I'm convinced, legally retarded. Real talk.

Pumkin - FOL. She got fired from her job as a teacher after the show aired (kudos to that school district). On ILM to pay for a boob job.

12 pack - ILNY. His brilliant idea to tour the country with Heat on a "party boy" tour (read: low-budget stripper review) didn't work out. Shocker. He explains that before the show, he was going to go to college, maybe get a masters degree, or go to law or med school. But since he did the reality show, all sorts of opportunities have presented themselves. Um, you mean like "I love Money"? Cuz that seems to be the only thing he's got going on.

Heather - ROL. Tattooed Brett's name on her neck...and got sent home. On ILM to pay for tattoo removal. Seriously.

Nibbles - FOL2. On ILM to fund her dream of building a dominatrix chamber in her basement.

White boy - ILNY. Still white. Still a boy. On ILM to pay for investments that need "investin."
Destiny - ROL 2. On ILM to buy a Corvette.

Heat - ILNY. He's a model and has a movie coming out...appropriately titled, "Unemployed."

Rodeo - ROL. Now back in Georgia, she uses her "fame" to help bring random strangers out of blue funks. Yeah, I don't know either.

Midget Mac - ILNY 2. Despite his stature he is remarkably trifling. He was able to impregnate his normal sized girlfriend thrice. What he'd do with the ILM money? $200K to his parents, $50K to strippers. I suppose his three children and girlfriend will be fine with that.

Brandi - ROL.

Hoopz - FOL. "Winner" of season 1. I had heard she caught a case (rhymes with merpes) from someone in T.I.'s camp around her 14 th minute of fame. But I ain't one to gossip... (although Midget Mac brought up the allegation on the show! Snap! Clearly, he reads MediaTakeout as well...which is where I found the scoop.)

Meghan - ROL. She was interviewed on vacation in Miami where she brought her "mentally challenged" chihuahua...so he could be among fellow Mexicans ("because obviously there are a lot of Mexicans in Miami").

Toastee - FOL. Busted for porn (as in, she was in one) and sent home from the show.

The Entertainer - ILNY2. Sucked on NY's toe. 30 year old pizza boy living at home with his parents and similarly situated schleppy brother in upstate new york.

Mr. Boston - ILNY. He has his STD results posted on his bedroom door. Loves the post-it note that says, "Ladies:" in sloppy red marker directing his bedmates' attention to the important paperwork below. Hollywood's favorite D-list trainwreck Gary Busey is apparently his life coach and advises young Boston to visit a doctor to see if he is dyslexic. Yo, when Gary Busey advises you to see a medical professional to determine if you have a learning disability, it's time to really think hard about where your life is headed. That's almost as bad as seeing Bobby Brown at a random bar in the valley on a weekday afternoon.

Real and Chance - ILNY . Yall know I saved the best for last! Stallionaires, son! First things first. Their hair. Jesus! Clearly Real has been deep conditioning non-stop since the minute ILNY wrapped. And naturally, Chance's wave cap was firmly in place.

The first challenge was to grab as much cash* as they could while in a glass box with money flying around them. The two that stuff the most dough in their black bikinis (men and women) will determine who will be team captains.

Chance refused to take his doo rag off and was disqualified. I mean...duh! I don't have to remind you how precious his wave-developing time is. His curl is worth way more than no fistfuls of cash.

*I'm sorry, did I mention that the cash was actually pesos? Guaranteeing there will be no dignity whatsoever left behind.

Anywhether, Hoopz and Whiteboy were the top peso-catchers. KelleBelle of yesteryear would make a cheap Jew joke (she can because she is one) but she has since grown.

The team captains choose teams. Who's left standing? Midget Mac. Probably the person who needed the prize money the most.

Until next week...

KB

Note to VH1: Stop playin' and get ya girl KB to host I Love Money 2 (you know there'll be one). The current host is snoooring.