New Years (w)E(a)ve

December is amongst us and folks are starting to get serious about their New Year's Eve plans (my preparation involves getting my hair did, thus explaining this post's title).

What are you planning? I have a feeling that most folks are so amped for 2009, the celebrations need not be spectacular or over the top as prior years. Simply celebrating in one's home in gleeful anticipation of what the new year (specifically, post-January 20th) will bring seems apropos, especially in light of the economy and such.

Now that I am semi-settled in Seattle, I have decided to make the two-hour drive north to America Junior for my new year's eve festivities. I have never been to Canada, and seeing as how Vancouver is uber cheap (.70/$1US) I'd be silly not to go. Before I pull the trigger and book my accomodations (4 star hotel for $65/night!), I had to comparison shop and flush out other NYE options:

1. Vegas. Yawn. I have never been a fan of sin city.

Pros: lots of party options

Cons: Casinos are gross, the clubs are pricey, it's cold, and a high probability of running into Paris Hilton. Yuck.

2. NYC. Tons of fun, but I am biased because 60% of my bff's live in the city and surrounding burroughs.

Pros: my main b's are there, lots of options to party.

Cons: everyone else in the universe will be there.

3. LA. Never been to a club in LA for NYE, but I'm guessing they will be overpriced and full of wannabes, posers, and Bill Mahr.

Pros: my family will be there and the weather is mild.

Cons: my family will be there. Jokes! But real talk, I like to get a lil crazy on NYE, far from the watchful eye of mother (and brother).

4. Philly

Pros: Everything.

Cons: Flight time, and it'll be frosty.

5. Miami

Pros: the weather, tan situation.

Cons: flight time, hotel/party expenses, crappy music.

6. Atlanta

Pros: One of the Real Housewives may be at your party.

Cons: One of the Real Housewives may be at your party.

7. DC

Pros: the city will be brimming with excitement due to the upcoming inauguration.

Cons: you are likely going for the inauguration so save your duckets.

8. Chicago

Pros: you may be able to celebrate with Barack and fam before they move on up to the white house.

Cons: you'll freeze your nads off in the process.

9. Destination (anywhere outside the U.S. sans Canada)

Pros: you won't be in America.

Cons: you'll likely come out of pocket hard core. And no one wants to greet 2009 broke(r).

10. The crib.

Pros: low cost, and you can drink to your hearts desire without fear of a DUI or a beer-goggle induced makeout session at midnight.

Cons: Reduced chance of a beer-goggle induced makeout session at midnight.

Whatever you choose, make sure your NYE is swexy, safe, and fun!

Smooches,

KB

Fanksgiving

I am thankful for so many things...family, friends, my naturally arched eyebrows, the president-elect, my health, my iphone, etc. What about you?

As I sit at home, waiting for my brother to return from a jog on the beach so we can get down to thanksgiving bid-ness, I started to ponder what in the hell I will say I am thankful for during prayer prior to dinner:

1. Mama Belle. I forgot to pack my jewelry bag for my trip home. If I didn't have such a fierce mum, I would have panicked, as I feel naked without a pair of pearls on by day, door-knockers by night. However, I simply informed mother of my fashion faux pas, and before you could say Chanel, moms came in with her huge stash of gorgeous accessories. After perusing the pretty things for an hour or so, I was dripping in fierce borrowed jewels for a night out in LA. The best part? She let me keep some of them! Best mom ever.

2. Beyonce. Everyone is well aware that I have been a loyal fan of this lady for years. I am thankful she is back on the scene with a new record. But I would be even more thankful if Santa brought her a speech therapist for Christmas. I made the mistake of tuning into The Tyra Show during the interview portion. Jesus, take the wheel. Just shake it and sing please. We all have our roles in life.

3. Swagger. It's difficult to describe, but I like to call it an undefined air of confidence with a side of sexy. So really it's swexy. Anywhether, I can't get enough. Especially when the swagger is accompanied by a yummy set of lips. (Jake, I'll give you the deets over cocktails, via webcam.)

4. Michelle Obama. I've posted about 'Chelle before, but this is an update. I am so thankful that she is who she is, and is loved by an equally amazing man. Tall, educated, and strong.

5. New friends. Now that I'm in my 3rd corner (or is it 4th? does Jamaica count as an uber-southern corner?) of the U.S. I, for the first time, had to start from scratch in the friends game. Definitely a challenge - even for a social b-fly like Kb. Luckily, I have amassed a pretty dope squad thus far. One day, I'm going to have a KB friends reunion and everyone will meet, greet,
drink, and swap embarrassing KB stories (Philly will likely win that race).

And finally, I am thankful for my big brother. He turns the big 3-0 today and I am so blessed to be the Lisa to his Bart. He just returned from his jog, and on his way to the laundry room to throw in his sweaty workout gear, he asked me if I had anything that needed to be washed. But this is how he asked: "Have any darks? Besides your elbows and neck."

That, my friends, is love. Happy Birthday big bro!


Happy Thanksgiving kids.

Smooches!

KB

Venti Please!

I don't normally go to Starbucks. I am not a big coffee drinker and I find Starbucks to be a confusing cultish place where people speek a special language and are part ridiculously happy and part super bitchy. I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that Starbucks is Scientology church. I have no proof, but I'm just saying.

Any way, today I had some. I don't know why. I think it had something to do with my outfit. I felt very urban, very fashion forward, very Paris, very gay chic with my little murse, cardigan and new scarf. I new it was super gay because this lesbian passerby looked at me like she was going to kick my ass!

I have been feeling funny since Barack became Prez. I find myself becoming a hippie. A white hippie no less. Maybe this election will finally result in assimilation? I feel like I have to behave a certain way now. Like the stigma has been lifted and excuses removed and expectations elevated. I might even have to go green. It can't be too hard, I was a raw foodist for a week!

In any event, I had a pumpkin spice latte soy grande (or was it soy spicey grande latte)? Whatever it was, it was delicious and I am hooked! I was feigning for my next fix before I finished my first one and I was regretting the decision to get the grande instead of the venti. I always get the grande because I think people will judge me if I get the venti. That doesn't stop me from getting the obnoxiously large sized drink at Jamba Juice, but I have convinced myself that that's different because its healthy (or possibly healthy).

The point is that I am now a Scientologists. I can't wait to try the water next time I go in (as soon as I finish this post), I hear Madonna loves it! Wait, is that Kaballah? I might be that too. Is it no longer okay to call Modonna Madge?

Oh, it was a grande pumpkin spice soy latte. Delicious.

Hello Pot, I am Kettle!

I am pretty out of it. I hardly keep track of appointments and barely check my email and there's no good reason for it. It's a problem particularly at work. However, today I decided to do better. I decided to attend a training session taught by my mentor. You know, it's always good to show face (especially one as cute and done up as mine) every once in a while. And, it's not like I was doing anything anyways.

I go to my meeting and as soon as I sit myself down to learn THE SHIT HITS THE FAN. Thus I present to you the FRIDAY CRAZIES!!!

I get a text from my friend, who earlier this year had a nose job. He wanted to get rid of what he called his "Jew nose." He loved his new nose and wassn't shy about showing it off using pictures of old and new nose. Then his Dr. convinced him to let him tweak the nose just a bit to make it even better. Now, with that background I present to you the following blackberry messager exchanges:

Friend: I hate my new/old nose! I am so upset right now! I wanna cry!
Me: Why? Maybe it's just swollen. It's temporary.
Friend: You have no idea how dissapointed I am, it really looks bad, I'm so screwed!
Me: Oh no! Have him put it back to the way it was.
Friend: I look like a freak! I'm not going to be able to leave the house!!! He can't put it back. He is an idiot and I am an idiot for letting him do it. I can't, I'can't...***tears, ***sniffle.
Me: It can't be that bad, I am sure it's just different. You'll get used to it.
Friend: I am just worried my BF won't like it.
Me: Are you serious!? He loves you as you are and your nose won't make a bit of difference.
Friend: Whatever, if he doesn't "like" me anymore because of this shit, then it wasn't right from the get go.
Me: You are a silly girl.
Friend: Yeah, Kinda.
Me: Bless your heart.
Friend: Oh, Please bless my nose.

Time passes

Friend: Ok, I may have been a little quick to judge, it's still swollen, I'll have to wait another month before I can officially say that I hate it, overall I am still beautiful.
Friend: And I should only accept those who care about me as a nice person, besides, my next patient (50 year old lady) has a crush on me!
Me: Because you are a nice person?

Now, just as soon as this conversation jumps off I get a text from another friend!

Me: Are you home? Work depresses me. Let's hang out.
Friend: No. I thought I would see a walk in shrink. Been here 10 minutes and I'm already pissed off.
Me: Wait, there are walk in shrinks!? Why don't you just talk to me. I can be a shrink. Maybe better than a lawyer.
Friend: At St. Vincent's there are, they said there is a wait so I thought I would stay until I get sick of waiting.
Me: (other friend) doesn't like his new nose.
Friend: OH NO! He better leave this nose job alone and let it be his last. If he keeps going he's going to look like cat woman. And btw, I've been here 30 minutes and I hate the front desk woman. That along with the other crazys is making me rethink my intake form. I may add homicidal to the list.
Me: NO!!! I'll give you a lorazapam. It will calm you down!
Friend: Oh god! One of the CPs (Crazy people) just got all agitated by his wait time and was acting up, I fear this may insite a riot. If I text 911, leave work and meet me in the safe house....with a brownie if you have time.
Me: I can't take it. Am going to faint.
Friend: You should see me! I keep laughing out loud and I think the CPs have accepted me as one of their own! This couldn't be a worse misunderstanding!
Friend: To make it better, I think the front desk ppl think I'm a drugseeker.
Me: This is crazy! Why can't you just go to an AA meeting!?
Friend: I am not an alcoh0lic.
Me: Whatever, it's free therapy and you don't need an appointment....AND they might have brownies.

It doesn't stop there...midway through all of this I get an IM from another friend (randomly)!

Friend: You're right. I'm totally in love with Mike Little

Background note: Mike is this chubby guy that my friend always hangs out with. I would call him fatty in this post, but she already has a fatty in her life and I already have a chubs, and fatty magoo is taken, so we are just creating an actual name for this guy. In any event, I have been teasing her about being in love with this guy for a while, but she is too vain to date him because he's chubbers mcflubbers (oh, look at that).

Me: OH.MY.GOD.
Friend: It's okay. I am not going to do anything.
Me: OH!! MY!! GOD!!! I didn't believe it until you just said it!! Why wouldn't you do anything? He's totally in love with you too and you know it.
Friend: Not true. He has a girlfriend. We're out with a girlfriend of mine and he's so sweet with her. Which made me realize how much I like him. But maybe it's like how I love you.
Me: You love me like you love a fat person!? How could you say that to me?
Friend: I have to go.
Me: Wait, do you or do you not love me the same way you love a fat person? Are you calling me fat!?

Eventually, my meeting would end. But, I swear all of this was too much for an hour long presentation. It's like, why did all the crazies start acting up at the same time and during the same hour when I actually had something to do.

And, if you are reading this and don't know any of these people they are all as dramatic as they sound. You may think they are exagerating, but they are not. We are all this dramatic, this vain and this ridiculous.

Thank God for the Blackberry! I had three different real time conversations via 3 different mediams (bb messenger, google talk and text) all the while "learning" about: indubitable equivalent, impairment, confirmation and who knows what else. These are just some words I picked up during all the texting.

What a Friday!

I am not mean, I am honest.

Do you think I am fat?

This is a question I never want to hear.  Ever.  And, I don't know why anyone would ask me this question.  It's like my truth serum.  I can avoid questions and sugarcoat answers with the best of them but I just can't put lipstick on a pig.  

Recently, I had a date ask me if I thought he was fat.  My initial thought was Godamit, can he read my mind?  Or, do I have my you are fat face on?  In any event, he asked.  Once the question was posed my head almost exploded with thoughts.  I wanted to be nice and I wanted to be honest.  

So what came out of my mouth was both:  "No, I don't think you are fat, but I do think you are gay fat."

Excellent.  What is gay fat?  I think everyone knows what gay fat is:  Mary Kate plus/minus 5.  Why did I think he was gay fat?  First, he was.  Second, he used to be fatter.  Third, he wasn't trying to lose weight.  Me, myself, personally?  I think that number 3 is a problem by itself.  As a gay you should almost always be on some kind of diet and trying to lose weight or build muscle or something.  If not, you are gay fat.  Truthfully, you're gay fat even if you are doing all of those things.  

You see, fat is literally like the Devil.  The devil may not exist, but damnit if you are not scared of going to hell.  Even if I am not fat and am not close to being fat, I am pretty damn scared of getting there.  So I like to give half of my sandwiches to the homeless thus avoiding fat and hell. 

I also have problems with guys that used to be obese.  Someone knew you when you were big and that person will think that I am dating a fat boy.  My record is clean.  I once skirted close to a 34, but was a solid 31 after a quick 3 day juice fast and 4 enemas.   I feel like we should have been able to date at any point, but that can't be the case if your nickname used to be bigstuff.  Although, if there is an alternate explanation for the nickname we can talk.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the gym.

Lonely Planet, KelleBelle Style

Having lived in three corners of the good ol USofA and a stint in Jamaica, I have been privy to a variety of phrases and customs specific to that part of the country/world. Below, a few notable comparisons. Please add your own in the comments section.

Sentence ender

Seattle: Whatnot (usually preceded by and/or)

Philly: Nahmeen?

LA: ...or whatever

Kingston: ...or some fuckery like dat (runner up: Struuup!)

Drinking in preparation/prior to a night out

Seattle: Pre-Funk

Philly: Pre-Game; Get it in (although that is used to describe just about any social activity)

LA: Pre-Game (lame, but better than San Fran: Get Hyphy)

Kingston: Um, this would infer there was a time prior to going out when I wasn't drinking (excluding work hours...except on Fridays).

TV Show based in the City

Philly: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (runner up: Parking Wars!)

Seattle: "Frasier" (duh)

LA: "Beach Patrol: Hermosa Beach" The show is hilarious - it's basically "Cops" but (wait for it) at the beach (my hometown), arresting drunks on skateboards.

Kingston: Besides the native soap operas (which are fab!) I am at a loss.

Drink of Choice (non-alcoholic)

Philly: Rita's Water Ice

Seattle: Anything with caffeine in it

LA: hot water with lemon (or diet coke)

Kingston: Coconut water

Drink of Choice (alcoholic, the way God intended drinks to be)

Philly: Yuengling (beer)

Seattle: Adios (cocktail)

LA: Vodka and sugar-free red bull (rimmed with white powder, and it ain't salt)

Kingston: Red Stripe (beer)

Nibbles

Philly: Cheesesteak (duh)

Seattle: Anything accompanying your cup of coffee (muffin/biscotti)

LA: Anything low-fat/carb (and it best be kosher)

Kingston: Patties (runner up: pan chicken! the best meal upon the let out at the club)

Dear Jesus, I am Sorry. Love Jake.

This weekend I used Jesus to end a date that was approaching FIVE HOURS LONG. GOD DAYUM! Somethimes you have to know when to say when and when to say Jesus.

I was on a date with a guy I have been dating for like several months. Very casual. For some reason I just haven't been into this guy. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I don't know if it is because he is taller than me (by a lot), because he is dumber than me (by a lot), because he is poorer than me (by a lot) , or because he is younger than me (by a lot in maturity). Alls I know is that I wasn't feeling it and I tried my best. I was all like it's okay to date a 21 yo from the ends of Brooklyn who works part time at a makeup store and spends his off days drinking with his moms and finds fun in poking me and giggling. I can. I am evolved and open minded. Turns out, I am delusional.

Anyways, we spent almost all of saturday together and as the day went on I became more and more annoyed and bored with this guy. I mean, can't a guy smoke his reefer in peace? He wouldn't leave. He even spent the night. I tried playing sleep, but I could sense his awakeness so I made out with him some, but I wasn't even into that.

I told him that in the morning I had to go to church. And in the morning I got up and said I was going to church. He watched. I said I am getting in the shower so I can go to church. He watched. I got out and said I am getting dressed for church. He decided to get up now too. I got dressed for church and went down stairs. He came along. We get outside and I say I need a jacket. I said I don't need a jacket. He looks at me. I say I am going to get a jacket. He says I'll wait right here for you (outside my building...GOD DAYUM). I go get a jacket and he proceeds to walk me to the subway where I go into the subway and stand for a few seconds. I then came out and quickly turned the corner and went home to take a damn nap.

Can you imagine? I got fully dressed for church and went all the way to the subway to end a date. You know what's even funnier? I was so committed I put BET on and sang gospel songs. Granted, the only one I know is Jesus, Oh What A Wonderful Child from Mariah Carey's Xmas album and lucky me so did he because he. lives. for. Mariah (but, who doesn't really?). Even funnier? This all happened at about 10am. He had to leave to go to work at noon anyways. I went through all of that for 2 hours of solitude.

And, I like this guy. He is sooo sweet and I hope he never finds out, but I get the sense that he knows. One week earlier I pretended to get a last minute work assignment on my BB at about 10pm at night and I don't think he believed me. I feel terrible.

As mean as I am you think I would just be honest right? Actually, I think that would be too nice for me.

Don't Take Offense

In light of today's brouhaha over President-Elect Obama's reference to himself as a "Mutt", I couldn't help but wonder: who says what is offensive?

As you all know, I have no problem with self-deprecating terms to depict the mongrel race. However, I have learned that many people find the term "mutt" or "half-breed" to be quite offensive. I find it interesting that the majority of people who do find the terms offensive are not "mixed-race" themselves (in my experience). But I am sure there are some halfies that find the terms offensive as well.

Anywho, in typical KB fashion I have compiled a list of terms that, depending on the audience, elicit a chuckle, or a nasty eyeroll:

1. Mutt or Half-Breed
I do not find these terms offensive, although I am not sure that I would be okay with a non-mongrel using the terms. I'm so complex.

2. Switch Hitter

I had no idea this could be construed as an offensive term to describe bi-sexuality. Sorry Tila!

3. Gay

This term has become so engrained in straight folk's casual conversations, I doubt it has the same negative connotation that it used to bear. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

4. Ghetto

The majority of people I observe using this word are usually on the business end of a b-slap.

5. Girl or Boy (used to describe grown black women/men)

I cringe everytime someone adds "girl" to the end of their statement to me, in an attempt to prove their coolness, I presume. It does the opposite and pisses me off in the process. I know for a fact my brother will get all Hulk on a fool for referring to him as "boy." Yet, the terms are still used nonchalantly by non-black people, especially "girl." I blame Martin (Payne, not LK, Jr.).

What else...?

-KelleBelle

P.S. Thanks to my co-worker Adam for his suggestions (Oreo and Twinkie). Although these sound like delightful nicknames, they are patently offensive in their meaning when applied to black and asian people. I'm looking for words that can be offensive or harmless, depending on the speaker and the audience.