I am not mean, I am honest.

Do you think I am fat?

This is a question I never want to hear.  Ever.  And, I don't know why anyone would ask me this question.  It's like my truth serum.  I can avoid questions and sugarcoat answers with the best of them but I just can't put lipstick on a pig.  

Recently, I had a date ask me if I thought he was fat.  My initial thought was Godamit, can he read my mind?  Or, do I have my you are fat face on?  In any event, he asked.  Once the question was posed my head almost exploded with thoughts.  I wanted to be nice and I wanted to be honest.  

So what came out of my mouth was both:  "No, I don't think you are fat, but I do think you are gay fat."

Excellent.  What is gay fat?  I think everyone knows what gay fat is:  Mary Kate plus/minus 5.  Why did I think he was gay fat?  First, he was.  Second, he used to be fatter.  Third, he wasn't trying to lose weight.  Me, myself, personally?  I think that number 3 is a problem by itself.  As a gay you should almost always be on some kind of diet and trying to lose weight or build muscle or something.  If not, you are gay fat.  Truthfully, you're gay fat even if you are doing all of those things.  

You see, fat is literally like the Devil.  The devil may not exist, but damnit if you are not scared of going to hell.  Even if I am not fat and am not close to being fat, I am pretty damn scared of getting there.  So I like to give half of my sandwiches to the homeless thus avoiding fat and hell. 

I also have problems with guys that used to be obese.  Someone knew you when you were big and that person will think that I am dating a fat boy.  My record is clean.  I once skirted close to a 34, but was a solid 31 after a quick 3 day juice fast and 4 enemas.   I feel like we should have been able to date at any point, but that can't be the case if your nickname used to be bigstuff.  Although, if there is an alternate explanation for the nickname we can talk.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the gym.