My So-Called Quarter Life Crisis

Picture it: I'm at the most random, non-descript hole in the wall Irish bar in the Valley (somewhere north of LA) for St. Paddy's Day. And who do I run into?

You guessed it...Bobby Mutha-f*ckin Brown!

True story: when I first drove by the bar (and saw a sole black man amongst a swarm of drunken white folk) I thought, "hmm that guy looked like a poor man's Bobby Brown."

I have the pictures to prove it. I was laughing uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Here's the thing: when you run into Bobby "do-do" Brown at a bar in the middle of the Valley on a weekday afternoon, you can't help but question your life's purpose. It's time to really think things through.

Kids, KelleBelle had a quarter-life (okay, I'm two years past) crisis. Real talk: After you see Bobby Brown, you really start thinking about the direction your life is heading. If you don't believe me, come on out for a visit and I'll arrange a run-in and see if you don't have the same life-changing experience! I hear he's making an in-store appearance at the Wal-Mart in Carson next week.

I'll tell you one thing: you will not find KB in the valley nan time soon! B/c if I dare run into Bobby B, Ralph Macchio, Corey Feldman, Ray-J, etc. It's a wrap. I'm moving back to the East Coast! No chance of running into an F list celebrity at a dive bar in South Philly.

Jake, you still have that Tony Robbins DVD? I may need to peep it.

Damn a Recession, It's a Depression!

While most of the nation is discussing the prospects that the economy is in or headed towards a recession, those in the know say that the economy is beyond a recession and headed for a depression. Yikes!

Just think we are about to become our grandparents! Can you imagine? Well in these uncertain times you have make changes. So, in anticipation of the depression I began to think: what us gone do? What us gone eat? So, I came up with a list. Here are my top 10 foods to get you through a depression!

10. Flour. It's cheap and you can do so much with it. You make pancakes, bread, biscuits, stuff for breakfast, stuff for lunch, and stuff for dinner. Flexibility is key in the depression.

9. Box Mac & Cheese. First, everyone loves mac & cheese. Second, it can cost less than a dollar a box!

8. Spam. Gross, but cheap.

7. Vienna Sausages. Not as bad as spam and even cheaper. Gotta have meats.

Interlude: Give me a beat (sidenote, I listen to aol.music.com and listen to only the All Mariah and All Janet stations and NOTHING gets me going like a good ole fashioned "GIMME A BEAT!!!!" I never know when it's going to happen but when it does my heart skips a beat.)

6. Beans. Beans. They're good for your heart.

5. Rice. Just get big buckets of it like the Puerto Ricans.

4. Oatmeal. Umm, yum. It's healthy, delicious, and cheap.

3. Potatoes. Everyone loves a french fry, but there are many ways to make a potatoe.

2. Ramen Noodles. Right. Not just for your doorm room.

1. FREE FOOD! Tips for free food?

-samples at the grocery store
-soup kitchen
-start babysitting, petsitting, plantsitting, etc.
-go to all those luncheons, dinners, and talks where they provide a meal
-eat all the stuff you did as a kid: glue, paste, paper, crayons, mud pies, white out, etc.
-host pot luck dinners

There it is! Now everyone go to the store and stock up!

Cookies and Milk for the Soul v. 2.0

So from time to time I cheat on my gay husband and chat with straight dudes. Please find below a very interesting unedited real convo between me and a male friend of mine* about monogamy, male sexuality, the recent Spitzer prostituion ring fiasco, and what makes sex memorable. What do you think about what he had to say?

*names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Derrick: reality shows?

me: ain't nothin' else on! my next post is going to be about male sexuality

Derrick: oh my

me: I can't ignore the spitzer craziness

Derrick: something about which you know nothing

me: lol my blogging partner does!

Derrick: ah give spitzer a break

me: and he's gay!

Derrick: lol

me: give him a break?I'm not so peeved that he cheatedI'm peeved that he spent all that money!

Derrick: yeah...male identity is 80% estrogen based

me: we are on the brink of a recession

Derrick: sigh...his dick doesn't care bout that

me: go to a club and get a drunk b for free on the let out

Derrick: sigh...listen

me: lol that's a lot of sighing

Derrick: men only know who we are by based on our efforts to get ass

our clothes car career hang out spots all determined by what kind of woman we want

a man in his position can't be himself cuz 1. he's married and 2. cheating puts you in a real vulnerable spot. so, you pay for ass, get to re-establish ur identityit's ugly, but human nature always is

me: I think you need to make a guest blogging appearance

Derrick: lol

me: do you mind if I use some of this?I won't use your real name

Derrick: naw, use it all

me: I'll call you "Derrick"lol!

Derrick: hey, i love writing and talking shit

me: I think we need a straight male voice

Derrick: don't let me get started on ur boy obama

KelleBelle had to take a phone call...

Derrick: did you miss me terribly? since your offline, I'll give you my thoughts on Spitzer... The dumbest thing I've heard come out of this whole thing is people asking "why?" As in, "Why would he throw his career away? ... Why would he take such a risk? Why didn't he think he would get caught?"

me: continue

Derrick: k...let me see, last I checked, the (now former) Governor was married and male. And there is no situation in life more identity sapping then that, particularly for a guy like Spitzer...

me: marriage? saps your identity?

Derrick: Oh God yes... I mean, he's a driven guy, a type A personalityGetting married doesn't just add husband to your list of identies ...lawyer, man, husband, father, etc..11:42 AM for a guy like spitzer it takes away the option of exploring new frontiers
You can't live where you want to livego out when or where you want

me: but didn't he choose that? why get married then

Derrick: it's not just the responsibility, it's the need compromise

me: why go to (my) law school?

if you want to be a hipster?

Derrick: ahhhh...good question. maybe he shouldn't have gotten married, but he dids o, he finds himself having to compromise day in and day out

even worse...he's like alexander crying cuz there are no new worlds to conquer and most type A personalities love women

unlike a lot of men who simply love getting their dick wet

they love the way they taste, they way they smell, they way they sound and move

me: wow

Derrick: and there is nothing more intoxicating than exploring a new woman

me: you need to have your own Dr. Derrick show

Derrick: learning how she likes to be touched

me: for the infedility set

lol

Derrick: what makes her moan or growl
lol
married men are supposed to give that all up

me: what about exploring your wife in a new way? lol

Derrick: sigh

me: never mind that sounds boring

Derrick: yeah

me: lol

Derrick: yep

me: haha

Derrick: cuz no matter what, she's still her
you know her
There is a thrill to being able to make a woman cum...but even that loses it's charge after you figure out how to do it in about 45 seconds
I've been with several hunderd women in my life and to be honest, I can count on 1 hand the number who felt differentlyI don't remember what the nanna felt like

but I remember, almost without exception, the look on their faces when they leaned up to kiss me and the way they tasted and I can still close my eyes and feel teh heat coming through their panties
but most of all, i can still feel the charge I felt when I found that spot on the back of her neck or the inside of her thigh
the spot that made her breathing stop for a moment and her back arch
THAT is what you remember...that is what makes sex memorable
and that charge evaporates after awhile, no matter how good the relationship is
Driven men are driven in everyway...particularly politicians I'd say
they are pros at relating to people, at figuring them out...they get a charge out of it .
their sex life reflects thata nd no amount of risk will deny them so endeth the lesson. lol

me: my word
you been needing to vent? or do you speak like this to all of your friends? I'm happy you did
I never get the straight male perspective
this is going to be a hell of a post!

thanks for the insight

Derrick: lol my pleasure

me: and the tip to never ever date a politician!
or anyone driven
losers here I come!

Derrick: true dat

me: jk

Derrick: just take a look at the mayor of my hometwon, detroit

me: oh jeez!!! that dude

Derrick: kennedy
clinton

me: yeah

Derrick: Gary Hart

me: I wish Hilary's side ho would come out

Derrick: lol not till after the election

me: you know she has some lipstick lez on the side

Derrick: wouldn't blame her...tho for all we know, she is turning ya boy bill out with a strap on
lol i just don't see the point of life long monogomy

The Belle is Back!

I hope everyone has recovered from the week long celebration following Jake's return to the Show. I still have a hangover. But back to work.

Jake, since you covered the three major reality shows, I'll cover a few others that you may have flipped past while looking for Rock/Flavor of Love.

I luuuurve "The Real Housewives of New York City" on Bravo! You've probably heard of the west coast original format: "The Real Housewives of Orange County". That show is so-so. Mildly entertaining. Everyone is pretty, botoxed, and fit. But overall it's pretty snooze. Not "Make Me a Supermodel" snooze, but it could use some pep. Let me break it down why the NYC b's kick the crap out of the SoCal hot moms:

NYC bitches vs. Orange County hoes

Needless to say the NYC b's give attitude! They are catty, backstabbing, petty, violent, and evil! In other words, they give me everything. I love the Countess!


The O.C. hoes were just too friendly and fake. One of them clearly lusted after another's husband, but unlike an nyc b, she just jokingly mentioned how much she admired him. But you could see the lust in her eyes. B, don't you know this show ain't free?! Get some ratings and get yo man!

But what the O.C. hoes lack in attitude they make up for in hair and overall beauty. They're in better shape, have better style, and their hair is far superior to the NYC crew.

Moving onto shows with hot docs as the host...Celebrity Rehab is coming to an end this week. What can I say, I'm a sucker for smart guys with nice arms. Jake I know you saw the episode where we peep Dr. Drew in a t-shirt. Swoon!!!

So who wants to bet on who stays sober the longest? I bet $2 on Mary Carey. And by longest I mean she waited until she left the rehab center's parking lot before she shot up.

Millionaire Matchmaker was fun to watch and I'm sad it's over. But honestly Jake, I was getting a bit tired of Patti's know-it-all attitude. And just her in general. She had a bit too much attitude for someone who is still single, in need of a trainer, and a stylist. But I loved the jewishness she gave on the show. Yes, I know, I'm biased! But my black side kicked back into full gear when "Xavier" was featured on the show. Why did the one black millionaire have to have a kid, and made his fortune through on-line gambling? Is there such a thing as a poor man's millionaire? Jeez louise.

Finally, my other fav reality show that isn't on everyone's radar is Parking Wars! Mostly because it's filmed in Philly. One episode was filmed right in front of my old apartment! Sigh, I'm home-away-from-homesick. :(

Before I start blubbering, let me go. A re-run of the Salt & Pepa show is on...Pep is crazy! and a drag queen.

Smooches,

KelleBelle

The Bitch is Back. Oh, the Bitch is Back!

Well, now that the writers strike is over I guess it's time for Jake to get back to work. Me and Kelly are in a fight because she crossed the picket line. Heifer. But, back to our regularly scheduled programming. How do we pick up where we last left off?

It's always good to talk Reality TV, right? Well, am I the only one who thinks that Amidol, ANTM and Project Runway are better than evers? True story.

Amidol decided to let the gays play this season even one's with purple streaks and a neck that won't quit. They also went back and got some people they rejected last time for dumb reasons. And they are letting bitches use instruments. Good job guys. These bitches are giving me everything! David Archuletta? Fierce. I am sick of the catty flirtation between Cowell and Seacrest (why hasn't he been replaced yet? I'll take Mario Lopez). And, Paula be fuuucked up on the show. Paula will say some crazy shit like: I love you because you remind me of rainbows and kuala bears. I wish I could carry you around underneath my bangs and kiss you on sunday mornings. God...I LOVE HER!!! She fills the void left by Being Bobby Brown. Whitney, I miss you!

Project Runway. See the finale? It gave me everything! Look for me in that lil feather number that Christian showed in a drag show near you as soon as I have it taken in a bit. I don't know how they decided this season because they were all so great. Unlike previous seasons when we had to decide who we hated least. Kudos to them. Now, I hope we don't have to wait a year for another season. Only criticism is that I wasn't feeling Tim Gunn's "Make it Work." I think he was over it. Sometimes he would be done but realize he hadn't said it and then he would go back and mumble...oh, and make it work. Sweetie, each Make it Work should be as good as the last. Just as a hookers blowjob should be as good as the first. Now, TG: Make it Work...BETTER.

ANTM. I've said it once and I'll say it again: it matters not not the girls get uglier each season. Give me Tyra, Ms. Jay, and skinny bitches chasing a dream and I am a happy gay. They are uglier than ever this season, but I do like the new judge. Was sooo over Ms. Twiggy. I am glad Tv has realized that Brits don't make everything more interesting. Sheesh. And let's face it: Tyra is the show. She gives me giggles for days. All that being said...even makeovers couldn't salvage these boogers. Bless they hearts.

That's really all the reality TV I watch. They are essentially the Gay classics. Although, I sometimes watch Making the Band. What a snooze. Diddy thinks there can be a show without Laurie Ann!? No ma'am. Either dance, fight or go home. Over that show.

Loooooooove,

Jake.

P.S. Call me!

I'm Not Racist, My President's Black!

It seems that everyone is on the Barack train these days. And I mean everyone. From obvious supporters (hip liberals and all black people) to surprising backers (Maria Shriver has some cojones!), Barack is definitely winning the popularity contest thus far. And in Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I had to wonder: will Barack's campaign really change the way black people are regarded?

I posed the question to my main b's from law school, which I've posted below along with a fiery response. Join in on the discussion!

KB: "Do you guys think Barack's campaign (and hopefully his election) will really affect how white people regard black people? I mean, on a deeper level. Or is he just gonna be the political equivalent of 'I'm not racist...my best friend is black' whereas the best friend is now the president. I can see the LAPD now...'I didn't unjustly beat those kids with my night stick because they were black...I voted for Barack!'"

Harvard Honey: "Hell to the Naw. Not on any level, whether deep, surface or whatever. Why? Because the unspoken and unacknowledged and subconscious (and racist) assumption underlying white folk's support of Barack is that he is not black. He's transcended race. He's transcended race. He's beyond race. And if they do view him as black, he's different. He's not as black as Sharpton or Jesse. He's 'clean' and 'articulate.' So it's not going to change how they view blacks because he's just in another category from the rest of the lazy shiftless negroes."

Grammys, Shammys

Overall I thought the Grammys were disorganized, overrated, boring, and predictable. Except for album of the year. I bet you twenty bucks the Recording Academy switched it up last minute just to piss off Kanye. Well played.

I would have been SO miserably bored if I was in the audience! I could just picture myself squirming in my seat like a two year old in church on Easter Sunday in my uncomfortable poofy dress, pleading with moms to let us leave early (yup, I was a heathen early on).

For once I actually approved of Kanye's arrogance and obnoxious demands. Everyone knew he was going to mention his mother; the music playing mid-speech was silly. But of course Ye went too far when he said his mom wanted him to be the number one artist in the universe and he'd make that happen. Did she really say in the universe? Really Ye? My word.

The hype about Amy W was a bit unsettling. I mean, why are we all waiting on pins and needles to see a real live crackhead perform via satellite? Natalie Cole hit the nail on the head: http://perezhilton.com/2008-02-11-quote-of-the-day-161

And who knew a petite Jewish girl from London would give the most ghetto acceptance speech outside of the BET hip hop awards? I almost fell on the floor when she shouted out her husband in lock-up. ps: was she performing at an actual venue or did they just clear out the cafeteria at her rehab facility? I'm betting on the latter.



Let's see what else. I liked B's new lacefront. The dress was a lil too costumey for me. But I blame it on mama Tina.

I loved Nas and Kelis' outfits! What other couple could pull off such a statement? If they aren't the Zack and Kelly for the hip-hop set I don't know who is. I'm totally re-creating their look for Halloween. I already have the wig from last year's Rihanna costume. Now to find me a Nas...

Back to the books.

Smooches!

KB

Bad Week for Black Daytime TV

Twenty bucks says Big Gay Al Reynolds is perusing the [gig] classified ads on criagslist right now.

Star Jones' show on TruTV (formerly Court TV) was cancelled. I have never seen the show in its entirety but I have done a few drive-bys while channel surfing. Eh. It was okay. Basically your typical pop-culture-and-the-law show. I don't see why it got canned and all those other snoooring legal analysis shows stay on the air. Maybe the gay mafia is to blame? She has been keeping Big Gay Al locked up at home and out of the scene lately. I hope she lands on her feet. She's quite smart and I was actually interested in what she had to say when she was on The View (although she pulled the "well when I was at the DA's office..." line one thousand too many times).

Speaking of The View. I realize now why I haven't been 100% satisfied with the current panel including Whoopi as the moderator and Sherri Shephard as the newest co-host. They both do not have the right balance of pop culture knowledge (and interest) coupled with the ability to debate and analyze serious substantive issues - a la politics.

Whoopi is clearly smart and knowledgeable about national and world issues, but seems like she could really give a rip about anything the gossip blogs or tabloids are currently focusing on. She admitted she did not know who Justin Timberlake was (or Britney Spears, I bet) before she joined the View. She's just not into that foolish, silly world of celebrity and pop-culture nonsense. She makes a valiant effort but her hearts not in it. And that's okay. Because I mean, she's Whoopi. She doesn't have to be into that pop-culture ridiculousness that we here at the Jake and Kelly Show love and live for.

Now, Sherri Shephard definitely is in that world. Did she go to college? Or get her GED? Her steeze is to sample "Betty Sue's world famous chili!", do stupid giveaways, chime in when there's a child-rearing or God issue (where she usually embarrasses herself and all Christians) and say over and over how she was seriously going to kill her cheating husband. Yes, but what have you done for me lately? She's all fluff. There's no there there. She makes the occassional funny quip, but eh, I could really do without her. And when it comes to real issues? Deer in headlights central. She remains silent until there's a chance for her to make some semi-funny comment (usually with a black woman neck/eye roll, sigh) and then she patiently waits for the the subject to turn to something more idiot friendly. Well friends, I now have proof to confirm my suspicions. Word just came out that Sherri had to rush and register because...the b has never voted! Ever! Check out the following statement:

"On The View this morning, Sherri Shepherd recounted her close call of almost missing the cutoff for registering to vote via absentee ballot for the election in November. (Shepherd resides in New York, but is a California resident.) And apparently this is the first time that Sherri will be voting...ever! Having turned 18 in 1985, the now-41-year-old has missed out on the past five presidential elections because she 'never knew the dates or anything.' She said it was important to vote in this one, though, because otherwise, she wouldn't have a right to complain on The View about whomever is elected for an entire year. (She probably meant to say 'four years.')" - Crunk and Disorderly

I think Sheryl Lee Ralph would've been a much better co-host! She is a better combo of world issues/pop-culture and she's fabulous! I'd even take Gayle. But I suppose being Oprah's bff is a pretty demanding gig. Ah well. A girl can dream...

And to round out the bad week for Black Daytime TV, The Montel Williams show has been cancelled after 17 seasons.

And right before Black History Month! That ain't right. Y'all, when you're chuggin a brewski on Superbowl Sunday, pour a lil out for the fallen black stars of daytime TV.

Smooches!

KB

A Quickie with KelleBelle

Calm it down hornballs. I only have 2 and a half minutes to spare (I spent the remaining 7 and a half minutes of my break watching the tail-end of The Soup and visiting with mum and the doggies) so here are a few quick items I would otherwise dedicate more time to if I wasn't in this hell called study mode. Read at your leisure, and as always, "discuss":

1. "Cute white boys are droppin' like flies" - Thembi

First, the cute as a button child star from "The Client", Brad Renfro, was found dead of an apparent overdose. At just 25 years old, his long-time struggle with drugs and alcohol was wide-known. Then Heath Ledger, 28, was found dead on Tuesday, and the cause is still unknown, however sleeping pills and other medications were found near his body. Both great actors, cute white boys, and gone way way before their time. Then, inbetwixt their deaths, footage of Amy Winehouse smoking crack this weekend hit the net.

Yo. Cut the bull-sh*t! It's time to churn out some all new After-School Specials, STAT!!! (I'm sure the WGA will provide a waiver.)

What the hell is going on? I realize drugs and alcohol are nothing new to the showbiz set, but the attitude surrounding these events (that they are newswothy, but the behavior is acceptable, or at least tolerated) have made me quite uneasy about where pop culture is heading (or where we're currently at). I'm happy that Celebrity Rehab has started airing. That ish is real (I honestly don't predict any residents will make a full recovery but at least the attempts seem genuine) and shows the ugly reality of addiction. Not so cute! Every starlet should be forced to watch.

But then on the other hand you have every news station (even the Tennis Channel dude. The world is ending! Paul Mooney said it first!) covering the latest "Britney" sighting and it's just sending the worst mixed signals. Everyone is just waiting for her to drive off a cliff, o.d., or something else horrible. If they really wanted her to make a comeback they'd stop giving in to her need for that toxic (excuse the pun) attention. Sigh. Maybe now that I'm back in LA I'm more sensitive to this ish? Or not. I'll get over myself now.

ps: I was kidding about the Tennis Channel.

2. Is KelleBelle a Heathen, a Hypocrite, or a Whore?

All 3! Jokes. I'm totally not a hypocrite. Sike! (See what I did there?) Ask my last date if I'm the latter of the 3, and he'll definitely reply in a salty tone that I am nowhere near a whore. lol. (Sorry buddy! Just cuz ya bought me dinner...don't mean I owe ya nathan but a hiiigh five! And a peck on the cheek).

But back to the matter at hand. I was at my spinning class today and a country-western song came on by the Dixie Chicks. I'm a fan of the group but this song was a bit too much. I don't recall all of the lyrics but the chorus definitely included "Jesus Christ" somethin' somethin'. When I heard it I literally looked up at myself in the mirror and thought, did they just say...? And then the chorus replayed. Yup, JC all over that b.

I don't know if I was more offended by the uber religious tone of the song or the incredibly annoying twang of the banjo that was playing at super speed. Before I could answer that question I caught myself. Why is it that when a song uses all sorts of misogyny and profanity and b this and b that I'm cool as a cucumber? (not just rap, people -- "Smack my Bitch Up" by Prodigy is a guilty pleasure of mine and great for the gym) But yet these lovely southern belles say something or other about J. Christo and I'm up in arms, about to bring a constitutional law claim against 24 Hour fitness. Clearly I have been studying too long. Anyone else feel me on this? (all my lawyer buds better not even think about posting a comment about the validity of any constitutional claim.)

Anywho, that was way more than my alloted time but y'all are worth it.

Smooches!

KelleBelle

Beards, Merkins, and Murphy, oh my!

With the recent sudden split of Eddie Murphy and Beard extraordinaire Tracy Edmonds (after a commendable 14 days of fake wedded bliss), the term "Beard" has been a frequent topic of discussion. To my surprise, a number of my close friends were not familiar with the term. I have to say most of them did not grow up in American households so I gave the majority of the ig'nant ones a pass...except for one friend who is a Seinfeld die-hard (like me). She gets no pass -- there was an episode where Elaine was a beard and subsequently tried to convert her gay to come over to "our team." The episode was actually entitled "The Beard."

So to inform our readers out there who are still unsure what the term Beard means (let alone Merkin -- who knew?!) I have listed the definition below, taken from Wikipedia (of course):

"In gay slang, a beard is a companion of the opposite sex used to hide a homosexual's sexuality by appearing in public as if the two were a heterosexual couple. The term originated in the mid-1960s[citation needed] and is derived from the notion that a man with a woman on his arm looks more masculine, like a man with a beard. A male companion who accompanies a lesbian is sometimes called a merkin.

In the early years of the gay rights movement, some homophile organizations required members to bring beards with them to meetings, for protection in case the police raided the meeting.[citation needed]

Closeted gay men and lesbians may also take part in this kind of relationship to their mutual advantage. In the past many gay men and lesbians married in order to fit in with heterosexual society; this practice continues today, but less frequently in many countries (particularly in the developed world) where the society has become more accepting of "out" gay men and lesbians.
In the 1920s this type of union was sometimes referred to as a lavender marriage.

This term should not be confused with fag hag."

Famous examples of gays and their beards*:

So...who can give examples of Merkins?

*The Jake and Kelly show is strictly for entertainment purposes. The statements made herein should not be taken as fact. Hear that Scientologists?! Please don't come after me.