It's not quite Monday, but it's a Thin Line nonetheless!

Jake, I have been horrible this week with my blogging so I'll let you go first in telling our readers what you Love, Hate, and Hate to Love in this week's edition of It's a Thin Line...

Love: Philadelphia. It's cute, it's fun, and it's affordable. Drinks for 5 bucks? I love it. I ran into someone who knew me, but only by my dog's name. I thought that was crazy! People can be much nicer than the pigfuckers in NYC.

In addition to sharing your Love for Philly (yay!) I love me some "Breakin' Dishes" by Rihanna! Leave it to the gays to show me the light. I requested the song be played at my next Striptease class. So excited! Breakin' dishes while making it rain. Brillz.

Hate: Philadelphia. The people are fat and ugly.

Jake, I hate you for saying that! Can you really blame Philadelphians for being a lil chubbs? What with the Cheesesteak and CheeseFries (did we ever figure out if that is one word?) being diet staples, and the depressing murder rate? Give 'em a break! Now yes the fug situation is a bit out of hand, but I am doing my part in turning that trend around: I'll breed with a native and thus begin the process or cute-ifying the Philly population. Is that conceited? Whatever, I'm still counting my future breeding as a mitzvah (read = good deed)!

Hate that I Love: No surprise, Philly. Being here makes me feel bipolar. It's an uncomfortable experience.

Jake, I hate that I love fake tans. My name is KelleBelle and I'm a fan of fake and bakers. If only I had the matzo balls to commit to the weekly tanning sessions...whenever I see a picture of myself I think to myself, "Self, you look aiiight, but damn you'd look ever so close to J.Lo if you got some sun in yo' life!" But seeing as how I have been in my office for 13 hours and counting...and vacation is not a word I am familiar with, Pale will just have to continue to be the new Tan.

Jake and Shaka take it to the streets

and bid good-bye to summer '07. It has been a rather uneventful summer. No arrests, no rehab, and most importantly...NO SEX!!! For either of us. But, we decide to go out on this gorgeous Tuesday night and have a good time. Both of us are frustrated- me from a long day of work and a long night of bickering with my future Mr. Jake and Shaka from the many strippers that surrounded him and a long month of bickering with the future Mr. Shaka.

Under these circumstances, no good could possibly come from the evening. And for the most part, nothing good came from the evening. But, being the GoodGays that we are we remembered those three basic principles that have been the backbone of our fabulous friendship for many years. I think you all know them by now: KIC it, KIM it, and Paula Abdul it. That's what we would have to do. Keep it cute, keep it moving, and make this night our own.

KIC it, KIM it, & Paula Abdul it wasn't working tonight. So we decided to just hit it, pump it, and pooch it on out the door. And then it happened, my summer song came on. We all know that Umbrella was the summer song of '07, but it ain't mine. My joint is Tambourine, by Eve. I heart this song. All night I wantged this song to come on, and it did just before I was about to quit. Just as I was about to give up on the night. It was perfect. It saved the night. Me and Shaka danced, and danced, and danced until...Tambourine went off. Then we left. Its always best to leave a place when you are having the most fun to ensure that you always have a good time.

I think it was the perfect time to say goodbye to the summer. It's labor day and it's over. It's time to get serious. I am looking forward to the fall. I think it is going to be a good one.

Cookies & Milk for the Soul

Damn blogging. KB & Jake likes to get intimate with our readers, so we share our unedited gchat conversations. Cookies & Milk.

11:15 PM me: is it wrong for me to have a dancebreak at work?
in my office?
at 11pm?

Kelly: it's wrong if you didn't

me: how about if the cleaning lady busts in on me?

11:16 PM Kelly: take her hand and show her how it's done JT style

me: forward to the blog immediately

Kelly: lol

me: LMAO
it was to Justin Timberlake
Senorita
Sometimes you just have to dance to the beat of the rythym of the night!
the music took control of me
I had to dance, dance, dance!
She gagged!
How do you spell rythym?
How did I graduate law school?

Kelly: rhythm
i think
how did I?

11:19 PM me: Luck?
I think I got by because I am pretty, and witty, and GAAAAAAY!

Kelly: duh

11:20 PM me: Whatever, I am getting cheesefries

Kelly: hmmm

me: wait, is cheesefries one word?

Kelly: WWJLOD
when the hell is DB coming on for a new season?

me: She would dance, dance, dance!

Kelly: I just sang the breakdown ps

11:22 PM me: Special Ed just came on my Ipod shuffle!

Kelly: lol

me: I Got it Made!
Jesus is talking to me, through my ipod

Kelly: NEW POST
11:23 PM "Jesus is Talkin to Me Through my Ipod"

me: You know I believe that ish.

Kelly: We can talk about what songs inspire us

to dance in the rain
to eff in the rain
yum

me: with or without an ella ella eh eh?

Kelly: sorry
sidetrack
lol
ellaellaellaeheheheheheh

me: You always talkin/thinkinmg bout effin

Kelly: have we met?
duh
''she's gotta have it''

me: You gone mess around and get that nasty woman's disease

Kelly: the new joint by jt/50?
bout me son!
she wants it
whateva
kb = muse
haha
i was just talkin to my B's here on sat about that
all the shit i talk and I get it less than all those hoes
like MUCH less

meanwhile these seemingly prudent b's are effin their brains out to every t, d, and harry

me: Me too!

Kelly: i'm not surprised
we may talk/act have confidence like Samantha Jones, but much more sexually frugal
me no likey strange dingalings near me

me: It's the bloody summer and I gots nothing to show for it

Kelly: ps - i hate that phrase ''me no likey''
damn ybf

me: I agree, delete

Kelly: sorry
won't happen again

me: I do love when my shuffle plays Britney and J.Lo back to back

Kelly: now if that ain't JC talkin I don't know what is

me: It's like cumming, twice

Kelly: yup

me: no, thrice
who the hell is JC?

Kelly: jesus h.
jeez

me: Yay-man!

11:30 PM Kelly: lol

Snooze.

Sleep. I love it! It's like a mini-vacay for the mind, no? I don't know about you but my mind is going a mile a minute all day and all night, until I finally drift off to sleep. If I'm in a sad or foul mood, a quick nap is a nice vacay for my thoughts. While asleep, you're not thinking about your chosen path in life, whether you'll die alone, if your highlights are flattering for your skin tone, etc.

Am I the only one who sees sleep this way? I think if truly depressed people would just take a good ol fashioned nap, they'd never have to resort to suicide, drugs, or worse, writing bad poetry. Sleeping can be an escape, and it's beneficial for the mind and body. The world's best medicine!

Eff Rehab, go to bed and sleep it off! I bet if Amy Winehouse would just have some warm milk and a Benyadryl, she'd sleep off that heroin addiction in no time! If Foxy would just relax and get some good R&R I'm positive she'd cease from getting in all these confrontations. Well rested people do not beat others up with their phones nor lie to the police.

A friend of mine is currently in Barbados on vacation, and do you know what she's been doing? Sleeping! Screw snorkling or "cuba" diving, it's all about the sleep son! Due to the ridiculous pace of my job, I am not going to be able to take a vacation for a few months...As I was thinking about where to go on vacay I thought I'd really just like to sleep, for like seven days straight. Is that bad? I mean, I'd love to do it on a warm beach somewhere, but to be honest, in my cozy bed in Philly is just fine! I'd just lie to my boss and say I'm going overseas for a week and won't have access to phone/email.

Further, I think sleeping should be a sport. I mean, ESPN broadcasts the world championships of cup stacking for goodness sakes. Why not have a who-can-fuck-up-some-sleep championship? I'd win by a landslide everytime. Drool would be measured as well as REM levels to determine who fucked up the most sleep.



Jake, am I crazy? Or just well rested?

You know KB, I used to hate sleeping. Then I got a new $3,000 mattress and some Ambien. My old mattress was hard as rocks. Anyone would hate sleeping. Look at ya boy Homer. That be me. Delicious.

It's another Monday...and it's another Thin Line

Love

Jake: You know what I love KB? A little show called Intervention. I recently discovered it and immediately fell in love with it. They just go around following feigns and then they convince them to go to rehab. I mean there is nothing better than a feign nodding off whilst talking to her lawyer about her prostitution charge. Is there? Sometimes it's good to just light up a doobie and laugh at bitches with real problems.

KelleBelle: Spoken like a true Jake…(Ps: I've been loving Intervention since its inception. But it's a guilty pleasure, no? I feel bad that it makes me feel better about my mild addictions: hair products, makeup, and shoes) Anywho, you know what I am loving right now? A littler show called Flight of the Conchords! Hilarious!!! Not since "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" or, dare I be so bold, but "30 Rock", has there been a show that has me laughing out loud and watching the same show over and over just to re-live the hilarity of it all. Meanwhile, totally going to New Zealand on my next vacay! Because surely everyone who's from there is as funny as the creators of FOTC, right?

Hate

KB: Mondays. So over it. My hatred of Mondays has spilled over to Sunday night. Even those are messed up now because I know it's only a matter of time before Monday will come and fug everything up. I need to find a good Sunday night party that will have me hungover and perhaps still a lil' drunk on Monday morning. Now that's a way to start off the week.

Jake: I hate the fact that my secretary quit to go to law school. She was amazing! She was tall, thin, had great style, and could keep a good secret. Nobody ever knew where I was or what I was doing, but they knew I was busy. She was that good. I am happy for her and all, but what about me!? What about how I feel? What about what I need? What about meeeeeeee!

Hate to Love

Jake: Boys. Girls are still gross, but boys are just a mess. I think living amongst the gays sheds so much light on gender and gender roles. I don't think I do well with masculine energy. I think I need a woman with a man's body. Preferably, a sane woman and a hot man's body. Sigh. Fucking with boys is like fucking with fuckery itself. Fuck that. Let me stop. This is no way for a lady to behave.

KB: Jake, I didn't want to say it last week due to your Hate post, but I hate that I love 50 Cent's latest record!!! I have been up nights feeling guilty about it. But when I Get Money or Straight to Bank comes on I go wild! Especially I Get Money! And you know what's the worst thing about it? I Get Money is the ultimate Striptease song! In class on Saturday when it came on (the instructor loves her some 50!) I made it R-A-I-N! Do you still love me? Hello?

Update re: Chubbs

We had the weigh in this weekend. Chubbs lost at least 10lbs. Isn't that exciting? If only he were exciting. Apparently, I am not as shallow as I thought. I thought that all I cared about was whether my guy was thin or not. But, no. I require more. You have to be interesting.

The fact that Chubbs was Chubbs was strike one. Strike two was that he said that he liked me because I was intelligent. It dawned on me that this was the reason that all of our dates had involved some discussion of politics. But, the idea that I came off as intelligent in those conversations says to me that Chubbs is an idiot. I don't know anything about politics. A political discussion is like a mental vacation for me. I just go on auto pilot. I do the same three things. First, I point out the most logical and compelling counter argument. Second, I create an extreme hypothetical to make the other person question their position. Then I poke at everything else they say until they get frustrated. I can do it for hours!!! The following statements always work: "that's not necessarily true" or "you are assuming x (repeat some part of what they said)" or "it's more complicated than that."

If I exhaust all of those options I resort to name calling like "liberal" "hippie" "commie" "white male patriarch" "bible thumper" etc. Notice that none of these things require any real arguments of my own. And, I will never defend a counter position. I have one political position: It's complicated. Haha. C'mon. That's not intelligence. Wait, maybe I am an evil genius actually.

Strike 3 occurred a couple of weeks ago when I told Chubbs over text that I was going to see the new LiLo movie. I sent it and then thought to myself that he would not know what I was talking about, and before I could finish the thought he responded with what's that? I knew it was over. I mean who doesn't know who "LiLo" is? Could I really date someone who didn't? While I am reading tmz.com he is reading nyt.com. That's just not right. He is watching CNN while I am watching VH1.


Nope, I am not vain at all. I am proud of myself.

Smacking Bitches with BBs

Jake:

Kellebelle, I was both shocked and inspired by Ms. Foxy Brown's recent arrest for smacking some ho with her blackberry. See a top model will beat youwith a regular old cell phone, but a rapper will smack yo ass with a blackberry, busting yo eye and lip. A top model gets sued, a rapper gets arrested. It's real.

Meanwhile, after hearing the news all I could think about was who Iwould like to bust upside the head with a blackberry.

1. Some boy that broke my friend's heart. He will remain nameless,but he works near me and I saw him today. I literally pictured myself bashing his fat head in, but I didn't. Don't nobody fuck with one of my Gannies (Gay-Nanny). Especially not one of my top Gannies. Now she's getting married and he wears pleated pants and ill-fitting shirts. Cause God don't like ugly!
   
2. Lauryn Hill. I mean she is just wasting away all that talent.When God blesses you as he did her with that voice and talent you have to just do what he wants. I mean, you think I like blogging? Hell naw, it's work. I do it because that's what God wants. She can't keep acting like she acting. I want to bash the crazy spirits out of her with my blackberry. Exorcise those deamons.
   
3. Whoever is running VH1. They is setting us back, son. They just finished taping ILNY 2. (I know right? I can't wait either KB). But, this is after 2 seasons of FOL and Charm School. Compare Hogan Knows Best for the others. I am gonna get him/her with my phone and my blackberry, and then whatever phone or blackberry he may have on his person. For all my peoples. Gimme some!

You trying to bash any heads in with your pretty new iphone?

KelleBelle:

Well Jake, funny you should ask, because I was THIS close to whipping my Iphone out this morning on my secretary, who failed me yet again. I barely ask her to do anything and the one time I do, she fugs it up! I wanted to pull a Naomi on her so bad Jake! But to save myself from a law suit and criminal charges (I don't have enough fab outfits to walk to and from my community service work-site a la Ms. Campbell) I simply scolded her and asked her not to fail me again.

You know who else could use a BlackBerry/Iphone bashing? Ms. Amy Winehouse. That B done checked herself out of rehab already. Like after two minutes. Come on now Amy! Get thy ass back in there, stat! Stop saying No No No and accept the help. That's real talk.

Okay that's all the bashing I can think of. What can I say, I'm a pacifist. Or just a Mean Girl who would rather talk about someone behind their back then risk breaking a nail by engaging in any sort of physical confrontation.

Jake:

You disapoint me KB. And btw, some people aren't even worthy of being talked about behind their back. It's best you smack these bitches with your blackberry or whatever other device you may have. This is exactly why I avoid petite lil pocket phones. They can hardly bust a bubble, let alone a lip. Sack up KB!!

Beware of the Backfat!

Can I really continue to date someone who my friends refer to as Chubs? Wait, back up, can I date someone that is chubs? Turns out, I can, I have, and I will. Well, kinda. I have been dating a guy who is otherwise fantastic, but has back fat and a muffin top. No, seriously. When I first met him he was in a suit and I was drunk. When I got the up close and personal, I found it. I almost fainted, but I acted like it wasn't there.

I mean I was all confused because homie is always talking about going to the gym. Sidenote, I hate people who talk about working out all the time but have nothing to show for it. For this guy, residual back fat and a muffin top is what he has to show for going to the gym because he used to be 40 lbs heavier. Yikes! You would think that this would make me feel better, but it did not. Upon hearing this I almost put him out. I daydreamed that I did. It was as if I could see all the fat back on him.

But can I really be so vain as to break up with someone over a muffin top, back fat, and old fat? What if they gave excellent head? No, excellent? I do not know. It is unclear. It is in these times of indecision and confusion that we need inspiration. So, I thought to myself…self, what would Diddy do?

I immediately knew what I had to do. I would send him home for a few months and see how he looks afterwards. So, for the past month or so I have been avoiding him and blowing him off. It’s tricky because I had to engage him just enough to keep him interested, but still avoiding seeing him. This is another instance of me putting someone on a diet without them even knowing it.

Anywhoots, the time has come. It is time for me to check up on his status. It’s me or the muffin-top!! I will let you know.

The Eye Phone

As in all Eyes on me...and my iPhone.

Hey Jake, you're not answering your Berry so I'll leave you a message here. I would wait until afternoon Tea when I can tell you in person but KelleBelle must vent!

As you know, I recently became the proud owner of the beautiful, sleek, sophisticated iPhone. I love it love it to death. It comes with so many amenities, I discover something new and exciting about its capabilities daily. And I'm pretty sure it makes me look thinner. But there's one thing Apple doesn't list on the box as one of the accessories: extreme hateration.

I was in the Dentist's chair yesterday and do you know Jean, the chatty hygenist, had the nerve to drill me (pun very much intended) about my friggin iPhone? I sang praises of the amazingness of my lil beauty in between rinses, all the while thinking, "Is this B really trying to have a lengthy discourse about the flaws of my new toy?" Just clean the plaque and get out of my life.

As I walked back to my office, recovering not only from the aggresive cleaning, but the aggressive inquisition from Jean, it hit me: the iPhone is the Beyonce of technology! Think about it: the iPhone is beautiful, sleek, extremely talented, and far superior than any of its competitors. (Yup!) The extreme level of hate that really is just a cover for adoration and envy parrallels the hate that is rained on my beloved B.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: stop hating! You know you love you some B, and some iPhone!

Smooches,

KelleBelle

Sent from my iPhone

Party Like a Straight, Party Like a Straight

Damn, that could be a hit- Party like a Rockstar, the remix. Where's Diddy? It's true. I took a walk on the wild side. I actually went out with the Straights a few times in the past two weeks and have had a superior time. I think the gays have lost their luster. The summer season '07 belongs to the Straights. But can the Gays stand up in the Fall? Thanks.

Anyways, Picture it: New York 2007. I am minding my own bizznass at somebody's night lounge. I am with a couple lady friends from work. It's middle of the week, not very crowded, and we are waisted. I was falling over tables, and am even told that I dived across a table, and danced like a crazy person. I remember running into a classmate and dancing with her and her friends. It's all very fuzzy.

My lady friends go to the bathroom and leave me alone. Next thing you know some guy appears, as if from nowhere, and wants to ask me a question. He wants to know if I like boys or girls. I say, I am offended, sir...boys of course. Cool, we are talking and he introduces me to his friend...then we just started making out- me and the friend that is. No idea how it happens. We didn't say anything, and in fact I am pretty sure he didn't speak English. My drunk French ain't right either.

Re-enter friends from bathroom. They are pissed. They think a straight club is for straights. Wrong. They storm out and leave me! Whatever, me and french boy continue to make out. That is until the bouncer says that we can't be doing that in there. Oh yeah? I went from 0 to 60 in 3.5 and started cussing the, really huge man, out. I threaten to sue, write a letter, and hold a press conference, but ultimatley just volunteerd to leave. Mid way through my ridiculousness I knew how ridiculous I was being, but I had to stay committed. I still thought it best to get out of there.

Meanwhile, the French guys, and it turns out there are four, are trying to get me to their hotel room. Now, I have a lot of hotential. A lot, but it's just that- hotential. I am entertaining it for shits and giggles, but some other guy sent his hag over to convince me to "share" a cab with them. I hadn't talked to any of them all night. I am like where did you all come from!? They want to know if I want to share a cab to 127. I heard one hundred and went I'm gonna stop you there. That's too far. Dude was hot though, so I thought it over. I mean, hotentionally. I decide to decline. I turn back around, and take a last look at the French guys and decide to go home. I mean that would make a good story, but it's not a good look. Furthermore, it's probably a story better heard than told...

Mind you all of this happened at a straight club, when I was completely wasted and acting a damn fool, and all in business casual. I hadn't planned on going out that day. I thought I looked crazy. Apparently not. I definitely felt crazy.

What is it with me and the frogs? I mean seriously.

It's Monday And It's a Thin Line

Welcome to the Jake & Kelly show. It's a celebration, so enjoy yourselves. Straight from the private conversations of KelleBelle and Jake is some insight into what we hate, what we love, and what we hate that we love...at the end we want a collective Yay-man!

Hate

Jake, I hate Akon. There, I said it. And it has nary to do with his inappropriate and most likely illegal onstage antics. I'll even give him a pass on the whole multiple wives thing. His songs are annoying - enough with the nasal whining already (this goes for t-pain, sean kingston, et al) - Keith Sweat has you bitches beat. Despite my personal feelings of loathe for him, I realize the kids like his jingles and unruly behavior. Fine. But I will not sit back and watch him and his impersonatin' look-alike brothers (who make a living pretending to be Akon to secure free meals, clothes, and sex) sully the already polluted genre of reality tv by having their own show. Let the online petition signing to halt production begin! Who you hatin' these days Jake?

Damn Akon, Jake hates 50 cent and the whole 50 cent, Kanye West drama. Both are big ol temper tantrum throwing queens with artificially inflated egos, but 50 cent cannot seem to be able to produce music without a gimmick. He is one big ole gimmick. The first album was about him being shot a billion times, and how that made him gangsta (which still confuses me as he was the one shot). The second album was all about the beef with him and almost evereyone, but really Ja Rule. And just as critics trash this current album forcing the delay of the release date he finds a new target: Kanye West. Am soo over it. I hope people don't fall for it.

Love

KelleBelle loves the Brits. They are becoming a significant thread in the American gossip fabric and I am loving every minute of it. The Beckhams are ridiculous, Amy Winehouse takes junky chic to anotherlevel, and Mel B gives me everything: baby daddy drama to the nth degree, secret marriage, career revival, all the while looking more fabulous than ever. Our counterparts: TomKat/LiLo/Anna Nicole, are good, but something about the Brits brings a bit of class to the joint. The joint of course being supermarket tabloids and tmz.com.

KB, I love Beyonce for taking Robin Thicke on tour with her. Not since I watched Mean Girls and Legally Blonde back to back have I been so entertained for such a long period of time. Words cannot explain how great the "Beyonce Experience" is. I needed a good ole fashioned nap after the smoke and confetti cleared. It is indeed love. And you?

Hate to Love

Jakester, I hate that I love to death striptease workout class. I hate that it was the best workout of my life. I hate that the instructor told me (and no one else) that I was a natural. I hate that I am serioulsy considering a career move. Seriously. J, not only did I make it rain in that class numerous times, I haven't stopped fantasizing about making it rain for real.

Aside from hating on the extent of your ridiculousness KB, I really hate that I love Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge, and I am embarrassed for saying it outloud. But god knows I do. Vanilla Ice, one of the Baldwins, a former gladiator, and former football player all riding bulls. They start by riding the mechanical bull, which should pretty much never be done by a straight man, and then they move on to a level 1 bull. Yikes! It's fun times. It is the dumbest show, but it these uncertain television times, it gets almost top priority on my DVR list. I can't even say that I am watching ironically.