BREAKING NEWS...

I am gay, but not that gay. I am a firm believer that everything and everyone should be gay, but I am still not that gay. This weekend, I had a funny joke go too far. It is funny for the gay guy to be the bride’s maid or attend the bachelorette party, but it shouldn’t actually happen. This weekend I had to go to one such bachelorette party. I did it because I made a promise to a friend, but I really should have nipped that in the bud when I got the evite. Instead I giggled and ignored it. I should have spoken up when I received an email urging me to RSVP. Instead I just giggled and RSVP'd. I possibly had a shot when I got the reminder voicemail on the day of the event. Instead I sat there in agony about what to do now. I am gay, but not so gay that I want a pink feather boa put around my neck and then taught how to deliver a strip tease. However, I am gay enough to participate once I am there. All it takes is a few bowls, a few drinks, and the pussycat dolls.

Similarly, I am gay enough to tell women what looks good, but I don’t know sizes, labels, or the names of anything. Alls I know is delicious and eww. I don’t know colors, patterns, or cuts. I will go jean shopping with you, but don’t expect a wealth of knowledge from me. Actually, I am done shopping with you bitches. It’s funny, isn’t it? Take the gay guy shopping, but my closest friends have already learned that I am not the gay for that.

I am also not really the gay to help plan your wedding. Actual or imaginary. I am the gay that will play Jennifer Lopez in Wedding Planner and wear headphones while bossing people around at your wedding, and have offered such many times. Please let me be that gay. Otherwise, I don’t know anything about weddings. I know the following: Vera Wang, old, new, borrowed, blue, and open bar. I am there to be supportive, but I don’t really get it. I love you, and I am excited, but I don’t get it.

Oh, and I don’t get babies either. I know that the baby is born, but I won’t know the gender, weight, name, or babby’s daddy. I am not that gay. I am gay enough to child proof my apartment and babysit of course. But really, I don’t get it.

And don’t get upset when I tell you I am watching the game. I am not moving and that’s that. I am not watching because I am bored. I watch Mean Girls when I am bored. I watch the game because it is what I have planned to do. Please do not think that you are rescuing me from anything, you are only getting on my nerves. Leave me alone! Especially, you gays.

I am much more gayer in theory than in practice. In practice, the only thing that’s gay about me is my love of Britney Spears, making tea, and men. Everything else is a joke; for shits and giggles. Although, lately it’s been giving me more shits than giggles.

I hope this doesn’t anger my nannies, or those who haven’t figured it out yet. Love you guys, but I am not that gay. Call me!