Mean, Mean Girls!!!

KB, I know you saw last night's ANTM Season 9 premiere, right? Tyra has delivered us 8 seasons already and let's face it, she could give me 8 more and I would still watch because it never gets old. Has anyone realized how great that show and more importantly how great that Tyra is?

People sure do love to hate on Tyra and have been doing just that for years now, but she really has found a winning formula with this show and all you bitches stay watching it. I heart this ish. 13 skinny and insecure bitches in one house competing to be a "top" model? C'mon! And these chicks is serious. Every since that one lesbian chick declared this to be a "competition" things have not been the same. I mean, these chicks are waiting for you to collapse so they can take a picture over your lifeless body and then show it to Tyra with a note that says she collapsed because she's anorexic. How can you not watch that? Remember when we saw those lions fighting over the wart hog carcass? They are all potential lions and potential wart hogs.

I know I am impressed by how much of a story Tyra has managed to tell over the past so many years. If you have missed it, here are the themes of Top Model:

1. We lash out at others because we, ourselves, are hurting.

2. Pretty girls have mad issues.

3. Beauty is debatable.

4. You don't know what Tyra has been through.

5. Tyra will always take a better picture than you.

6. Fat girls need love too, and if you are twice as fat, you need 4xs as much personality.

7. You have to be more than a pretty face to be a model.

8. Miss Jay will alwqays walk better than you, and possibly look better than you in a dress.

9. If you have a disease, you have a shot.

10. This is a competition.

It's true, those are the 10 lessons we have learned over 8.1 seasons of top model. Tyra gives you drama, comedy, and suspense all in one hour and one season. She makes you cry, she makes you laugh, and sometimes...she makes you sick. I know one thing, chick is making UPN some money.

Despite these lessons, ANTM seems to bring out the ugly in the contestants and in my nannies. The nannies will rip you apart. They haven't seen a pretty girl on Top Model since Eva the Diva and can't get past Tyra's wig and hairline. Isn't that the beauty of the show? Calling someone fat makes us feel thinner. Calling someone stupid makes us feel smarter. Calling somone ugly makes us feel pretty. And, watching skinny bitches be mean to each other makes us feel happy.

I watched last night's show, but I think it is premature to offer any predictions before the makeovers. But, my pre-makeover pick: Mila!



Jake, I am disappointed with your pick. There's no way that fake ass happy-go lucky self is going to win. As soon as she said "There's no point in crying, I've had a wonderful life so I celebrate anything" the first thing that came to my mind was: cokehead! Tyra brought that child on the show just to break her down. And break down she will. My prediction: she'll be ousted after saying some racial slur to one of the ethnics. Maybe even to one of the Jays. The Autistic girl already made the J's uncomfortable with her "Pretty Lady" comment. So race is next. My money is on Mila's family tree having lots of white capes and pointed hats.

Moving on, my pick is the cute as a button "bikini dancer" Lisa. She is a much softer, warmer, prettier Jade. Sans the mixed-breed identity issues.



My runner up is the chick from Yale - Victoria (I cannot wait until they lighten her eyebrows. They look like two caterpillers chillin' on her forehead right now), followed by the Rih-Rih/Nivea lookalike - Saleisha.

My biggest problem of the show - wait, I had two big problems. 1. The "real size" model. B please. That ho was just lazy. If she'd watch her diet a tad and hit the gym, like, once a week she'd be in model form. They was talkin 'bout her being too "thin" to be a plus size model but too big to be a "regular" model. Um, why the eff is she here again? Go to grad school like the rest of us normies. Fool.

My second qualm with the show was Tyra the talk show host. Why did she make that poor afro-mohawked girl divulge her most deepest and darkest secret: that she was raped and molested as a child, and then she doesn't make it in the house!? Ps: eff her sad story, her body was SICK and her cheek bones were out of this world! Tyra, leave that ish for your talk show! This is real.

My favorite Mean girl move of Tyra's last night was her cutting the black (maybe Pacific islander) girl at the first round. Why? Listen closely kiddies: if you are in front of Tyra, HBIC of the Wig Crypt, do NOT boast that your best feature is your luxuriously lengthy hair! Duh!

Wait - a minute - stop the presses! Jake did you notice the random girls in certain scenes (and the last elimination) that we were never introduced to?!!! There were many a time when me and my watching party were like, wait, who is that girl?! She's cute! Clearly, they failed the background check and the ish only came up post taping of the first episode. If you didn't catch the mystery girls, look out for them tonight when you watch the premiere again...for the third time. Don't act like I'm lyin'!
-KB