Picture It: KelleBelle Hearts Seattle

Estelle Getty is smiling down on me as I write this here blog. This is THE Picture It of all Picture Its.

Picture it: Seattle 2008. A snowstorm paralyzes the city. Seattle doesn't get snow often (evidenced by their 2 snow plows and half a bag of salt for the entire city) and the entire population went bat ass crazy after three consecutive days of heavy snow. No one could get to work, school, church (I assume), nothing. They sure could get to the bar, but I'll get to that later. As you all know, KB is not the one to let a little of the white stuff get in her way of shopping or having a fun time. So off she goes with her favorite gal pal - let's call her "Chocolate" - to wreak havoc on the city last Sunday. After hitting a few of their favorite stores downtown, they decide to visit Beckman, a friend of Choc's, who happened to have been birthed 28 years to the day. Y'all know KB loves any reason to celebrate. But how to get to said birthday boy's abode? Both of our cars were safely parked/stranded near our homes and there was not a taxi in sight.

After walking the streets for a half an hour or so, KB and Choc hop on a bus, hopefully going in the direction of Beckman's crib. Once we were on our way I breathed a heavy sigh of relief to be out of the snow and on the way to party town. Then the bus got stuck in a heavy patch of snow. Yada yada yada, we had to de-bus, walk another half a mile, and catch another bus that left us about 20 minutes from our destination. To make a long story longer, we walked half-way, were rejected by a cabbie that said we werent going far enough to take our fare, and then hitchiked the rest. Yes, chile. (Don't tell mama Belle - she'd kill me!)

We finally make it to Beckman's spot and pop open the bubbly and coconut/lemongrass infused sake we purchased on the way. Did I mention it took us approximately 2 hours to travel about a mile? Anywho, we de-coat, de-snow, and I try to bring my feet back to life, as they had frozen on our journey. Once my pups were dry and back to life, we got the party going. Choc got all Claire Huxtable on the boys (birthday boy has a cute roomie named...Rodriguez) and started whipping up some steak nachos with two types of cheese she found in the fridge. The only problem was there wasn't two types of cheese. Just one, and a stick of butter that Choc mistook for white cheese. Cut to the boys downing those butter nachos like they were dripping with liquid gold. I'm pretty sure they cut about 10 years off of their life spans but they sure did enjoy those chips.

Some time later, in walks two of their homies: let's call them San and Petrovski. These boys know how to party and we kept it movin' to the neighborhood bar to really start celebrating Beckman's birthday. A few rounds of hot toddies, four buttered nipples, and a game of Cribbage with the skeevy 109-year-old bar owner later, and we were off to my crib so I could check my blackberry and do a quick wardrobe change.

On our way to my pad we peeped a mob of crazed Seattleites sledding down an extremely steep hill near my house that was covered in snow, like the rest of the city. These fools were using all sorts of shizz to shimmy down the hill - air mattresses, pizza boxes, garbage can lids, laundry baskets, gates, street signs. A whole heap of fuckery. Naturally, we couldn't wait to join in on the fun! So off we go to join the crowd (after of course imbibing and hanging with bob at my crib). You know how KB gets when she has too much of the good stuff - honey, I couldn't form a sentence after we left my apartment. Everything that came out of my mouth was nothing but loud, crazy giggle fits for the rest of the night. It was a problem.

Once on the hill, Choc let her inner child rove rampant and this B was flying down the hill on all sorts of makeshift sleds like she done lost her mind. Me and the rest of the crew just watched and laughed. Choc woke up on Monday with a huge bruise on her thigh from an unfortunate run-in with a wall, but she said it was worth it and I have to agree.

I'm leaving out a lot of details but my memory is fuzzy. The night ended with me leaving the hill around 3am and having to get up at 6am for work. I was tired, groggy, and completely content. What a fun, crazy, random night. I officially heart Seattle.

Smooches!

KB

P.S.: Choc saw an exact replica of the snow penis depicted above on a car near her house...or so she says.

KelleBelle's Picks

Shello.

KB here with what you're watching, listening, and drinking this weekend. You can thank me later.

Watching: Slumdog Millionaire. Just see it.

Listening: Britney! Her new album gives. me. everthing. Kill the lights bitches! Perfect for the gym. Or work. Or church. I am disappointed with my beloved Bey. That "Single Ladies" song is a bit condescending if you ask me. And save for the video, the song is...eh. If I were a boy...I'd take it to the left, to the left...and buy Britney.

Drinking: Absolut - Los Angeles special edition. I couldn't resist when I saw the alcoholic ode to my hometown whilst at the liquor store. Vodka infused with acai, acerola, pomegranate, and blueberry. What a crowd pleaser! My friend - who never drinks - couldn't resist after he got a whiff of the delicious aroma. Cut to him dancing on my living room table to Single Ladies.

Meanwhile, I'm very excited to see the Philadelphia version. I'm thinking infusions of cheese wiz, onions, and meat. Mmm hmm.

Reading: chile please. I am knee deep in contracts and FDIC testimony. I'll start reading for pleasure in 2009.

Have a fabulous weekend kids!

Smooches,

KB

Craigslist, I love thee

Picture it: I'm moving to my fierce, completely furnished new place last weekend. But what to do with the few pieces of furniture I bought while at my temporary apartment? Two words: Craig's list!

Not only did I make money, I met the best folks ever while wheelin' and dealin'!

My ad: "Stylish Futon, Coffee Table, and Dining Table - Will deliver!"

I broke even on the "Stylish Futon" and sold it to a very nice single mum. I think I aggravated an old track injury helping her move it into her 2nd story apartment, but she didn't have anyone else there to help and I figured that would count as my mitzvah for the week.

I made a cool ten buck profit on the cappucinno brown coffee table that I originally bought at Ikea for $40! Mind you, I didn't intend to make a profit, as I listed it for sale at $40. But the nice folks I sold it to - a young asian gal and husky white male (a cross between woody allen and seth rogen) - insisted on paying me an extra 10 spot for delivery! I told them it wasn't necessary, as I had the table in the back of my SUV anyway. But they insisted. And bonus - the guy is from Philly and recognized my cell phone area code. This of course led to a convo about how dope Philly is and ended with him welcoming me to Seattle and inviting me to a game of pool with him and the mrs. at the local watering hole. Awesome!

Right after that, I headed to my next delivery - to drop off a small dining room table to a young, scruffy, college-age lad. Well, it turns out he wanted the coffee table this whole time, not the dining table. I apologized and told him I must have gotten his email confused as I had a lot of offers on the tables. He said no problem and bought the dining room table anyway! (I think he just needed any flat surface to roll his j's.) I threw in a groovy mirror I bought for 10 bucks and told him his girlfriend would make use of it. He gave me $20 bucks even though I told him 10 for both was fine due to my slip-up. He insisted on the twenty and said, "Welcome to Seattle!"

As I was relaying the above tale to my gal in brooklyn, she told me she had a great Craigslist story too! She had been shopping for a treadmill for awhile and got one off of CL for $200! Bonus: the delivery man was 6'7, west indian, and fine. Double yum!

Do you have a good Craigslist story? Do tell!

5 Reasons Jake and Kelly are not going to the Inauguration

I'm home waiting for the cable guy and scantily clad in case he's as cute as the last guy.

While I wait, Jake and I are chatting away on gmail. The topic? Our plans to attend the inauguration. I'm still on the fence - the majority of our friends are going, but it is really becoming a hassle. As we normally do, we talked it out and decided to whip up a post, each listing 5 reasons why we ain't goin'. I'll let Jake go first:

Kellebelle, maybe it's true what we have been saying privately to each other all along: we are the only ones with any bloody sense. I too shant be attending any inaugerational activities in D.C. Let me count down all the reasons why for you and anyone out there who visits this thing we call a blog:

5. I hate D.C. Everyone knows that about me. I don't like the idea of a city not being a part of a state. Also, I once had a friend who was gay bashed there…in the gayborhood. Something isn't right about that place.

4. It's cold outside. January 20? Hell to the hell to the HELL NAWWW. I am supposed to trek alls the way down to DC, fight the crowds and then stand in the cold? I just had palpitations at the thought.

3. I missed the prequel: the million man march.

2. I am slightly sick of Barack Obama. Sick, sick, sick. Black or not, it's just been too much. Unless he is going to put a leotard on and dance with Michelle and Hilary by his side, I just can't do it. And, I swear he has been saying the same ish since winning the election as he did during the election. It's like chill out and keep it real. Who acts the same in an interview as they do once they have a job?

1. The revolution will be televised and in HD. Enough. Said. HD is so clear that really it's like being there. You will still be able to tell your kids I was there the day…

Jake, you are a mess. But I love you. Naturally, we have overlapping justifications (are you on your monthly too?! Samesies!) Here's my list:

5. My wallet would prefer not to be raped. A friend told me people are calling the actual inauguration passes "Golden tickets," and trying to hawk them for 5Gs. B please. The white house may soon be called the chocolate factory but it really isn't that serious.

Also, there are going to be sooo many people in DC, the thought of attempting to go to a bar, club, mcdonalds, the train, puts me off. There are going to be lines and inflated admission prices up the ying yang. And you know black folk don't know how to act. I foresee some lowbudget fights at the line and medium to high budget fights at the bar.

4. It's gonna be cold. The northwest is no southern cali, but it definitely is not as cold as the east. And I downsized my cold weather wardrobe when I made the move to the west coast from Philly so I'd have to go out and get all new uber cold weather gear. Which isn't a bad thing but there's just no time! I'm telling you I need an assistant. Maybe I can get one of the Diddy failures?

3. Too many folks. All of my friends from all different parts of my life (high school, college, law school, work, my stint in county, beauty school, etc.) are going and it will be hard to pick and choose who to spend time with and not hurt anyone's feelings. It's hard work being a diplomatic social butterfly.

2. It's all about the connects. And real talk: KB just don't got 'em or cares to use the few she has. I ain't calling nobody's assistant's cousin to get an invite to Oprah's ball. Although I bet the food is going to be ridic! I love that she just announced publicly that she could give a rip that she's tipping the scales at 2 hun. A black man is in the damn white house. If that ain't adequate reason to throw down with some greasy food and champagne on the regular, I don't know what is. Go 'head O.

1. Despite alladis, I'm still likely gonna go! Jake, I'll pick you up a t-shirt.

Meanwhile, the cable guy is here. Let's just say my crappy old sweatshirt and comfy yoga pants are back on.

Smooches!

KB and Jake

Random Thoughts: Hurry Up and Wait

In the second installment of KB's Random Thoughts, I will explore life's frustrating instances of immense anticipation and preparation, followed by a swift, disappointing let down.

Scenario 1

You're at the gym, ready to get your sweat on. You strip off your hoodie, coat, sweats, and are ready to get it in like FloJo on the treadmill that you specifically picked out for its location - bordered by the mirrored wall, of course. You place your water bottle in the water bottle holder, you re-tie your sneakers to make sure your feets are ready to fly for at least 4 miles, the ipod is set to your "work-it-out" playlist, towel is swung over the data panel so you don't have to stare at the clock while time passes ever so slowly as you trudge along for 30 minutes. You is red to go.

You press "Quick Start" on the machine. Nothing. The damn thing is broken! So now you have to pack up all your shizz and find another machine that is free and set it up all over again. Ugh!

Scenario 2

You're at the office and just saw the most hilarious youtube clip that Jake forwarded you. Upon summoning your co-workers to huddle around your desk to peep the hilarity, you are greeted by a blank web page and/or an error message. After a few minutes of awkward silence while waiting for the page to load, your co-workers slowly slink away one by one and ask you to let them know when the site is up. Boo.

Scenario 3

Your favorite tv show is mid-season and every episode is fresh and new. You tivo/dvr this week's episode and hurry home on Friday to finally watch it. Then you realize that tv guide lied to you. This ain't a "new" episode! It's a friggin clip show of what has transpired thus far this season! Boo! You'll have to wait until next week for a true "new" episode.

I have been burned by Top Model many a time. The biggest burn was part one of the series finale of Seinfeld. What a rip!

Scenario 4

You're at your favorite boutique, department store, friend's closet, etc. and have amassed an armful of frocks that you want to try on and hopefully purchase should they fit appropriately. You carefully survey the showroom floor one last time to make sure you didn't miss a garment that you want to try on.

Off you go to the dressing room, de-robe, and reach for your first garment. Dammit! Wrong size! You could have sworn you grabbed an 8, but this thing is clearly meant for a child. Or anorexic. Regardless, it ain't fittin' over your lady lumps. So you reach for the next garment and realize you totally have the wrong undergarments on - it's a slinky strapless number and you have on an over the shoulder boulder holder and granny panties. Boo!

I usually am so frustrated at this point I storm out of there and head to the nearest shoe store, where I know I am prepared to try stuff on. Although in my big footed case they rarely have my size so I am forced to window shop, buy accessories, and go home to my closest to take my pick of re-runs. Tragic.

New Years (w)E(a)ve

December is amongst us and folks are starting to get serious about their New Year's Eve plans (my preparation involves getting my hair did, thus explaining this post's title).

What are you planning? I have a feeling that most folks are so amped for 2009, the celebrations need not be spectacular or over the top as prior years. Simply celebrating in one's home in gleeful anticipation of what the new year (specifically, post-January 20th) will bring seems apropos, especially in light of the economy and such.

Now that I am semi-settled in Seattle, I have decided to make the two-hour drive north to America Junior for my new year's eve festivities. I have never been to Canada, and seeing as how Vancouver is uber cheap (.70/$1US) I'd be silly not to go. Before I pull the trigger and book my accomodations (4 star hotel for $65/night!), I had to comparison shop and flush out other NYE options:

1. Vegas. Yawn. I have never been a fan of sin city.

Pros: lots of party options

Cons: Casinos are gross, the clubs are pricey, it's cold, and a high probability of running into Paris Hilton. Yuck.

2. NYC. Tons of fun, but I am biased because 60% of my bff's live in the city and surrounding burroughs.

Pros: my main b's are there, lots of options to party.

Cons: everyone else in the universe will be there.

3. LA. Never been to a club in LA for NYE, but I'm guessing they will be overpriced and full of wannabes, posers, and Bill Mahr.

Pros: my family will be there and the weather is mild.

Cons: my family will be there. Jokes! But real talk, I like to get a lil crazy on NYE, far from the watchful eye of mother (and brother).

4. Philly

Pros: Everything.

Cons: Flight time, and it'll be frosty.

5. Miami

Pros: the weather, tan situation.

Cons: flight time, hotel/party expenses, crappy music.

6. Atlanta

Pros: One of the Real Housewives may be at your party.

Cons: One of the Real Housewives may be at your party.

7. DC

Pros: the city will be brimming with excitement due to the upcoming inauguration.

Cons: you are likely going for the inauguration so save your duckets.

8. Chicago

Pros: you may be able to celebrate with Barack and fam before they move on up to the white house.

Cons: you'll freeze your nads off in the process.

9. Destination (anywhere outside the U.S. sans Canada)

Pros: you won't be in America.

Cons: you'll likely come out of pocket hard core. And no one wants to greet 2009 broke(r).

10. The crib.

Pros: low cost, and you can drink to your hearts desire without fear of a DUI or a beer-goggle induced makeout session at midnight.

Cons: Reduced chance of a beer-goggle induced makeout session at midnight.

Whatever you choose, make sure your NYE is swexy, safe, and fun!

Smooches,

KB

Fanksgiving

I am thankful for so many things...family, friends, my naturally arched eyebrows, the president-elect, my health, my iphone, etc. What about you?

As I sit at home, waiting for my brother to return from a jog on the beach so we can get down to thanksgiving bid-ness, I started to ponder what in the hell I will say I am thankful for during prayer prior to dinner:

1. Mama Belle. I forgot to pack my jewelry bag for my trip home. If I didn't have such a fierce mum, I would have panicked, as I feel naked without a pair of pearls on by day, door-knockers by night. However, I simply informed mother of my fashion faux pas, and before you could say Chanel, moms came in with her huge stash of gorgeous accessories. After perusing the pretty things for an hour or so, I was dripping in fierce borrowed jewels for a night out in LA. The best part? She let me keep some of them! Best mom ever.

2. Beyonce. Everyone is well aware that I have been a loyal fan of this lady for years. I am thankful she is back on the scene with a new record. But I would be even more thankful if Santa brought her a speech therapist for Christmas. I made the mistake of tuning into The Tyra Show during the interview portion. Jesus, take the wheel. Just shake it and sing please. We all have our roles in life.

3. Swagger. It's difficult to describe, but I like to call it an undefined air of confidence with a side of sexy. So really it's swexy. Anywhether, I can't get enough. Especially when the swagger is accompanied by a yummy set of lips. (Jake, I'll give you the deets over cocktails, via webcam.)

4. Michelle Obama. I've posted about 'Chelle before, but this is an update. I am so thankful that she is who she is, and is loved by an equally amazing man. Tall, educated, and strong.

5. New friends. Now that I'm in my 3rd corner (or is it 4th? does Jamaica count as an uber-southern corner?) of the U.S. I, for the first time, had to start from scratch in the friends game. Definitely a challenge - even for a social b-fly like Kb. Luckily, I have amassed a pretty dope squad thus far. One day, I'm going to have a KB friends reunion and everyone will meet, greet,
drink, and swap embarrassing KB stories (Philly will likely win that race).

And finally, I am thankful for my big brother. He turns the big 3-0 today and I am so blessed to be the Lisa to his Bart. He just returned from his jog, and on his way to the laundry room to throw in his sweaty workout gear, he asked me if I had anything that needed to be washed. But this is how he asked: "Have any darks? Besides your elbows and neck."

That, my friends, is love. Happy Birthday big bro!


Happy Thanksgiving kids.

Smooches!

KB

Venti Please!

I don't normally go to Starbucks. I am not a big coffee drinker and I find Starbucks to be a confusing cultish place where people speek a special language and are part ridiculously happy and part super bitchy. I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that Starbucks is Scientology church. I have no proof, but I'm just saying.

Any way, today I had some. I don't know why. I think it had something to do with my outfit. I felt very urban, very fashion forward, very Paris, very gay chic with my little murse, cardigan and new scarf. I new it was super gay because this lesbian passerby looked at me like she was going to kick my ass!

I have been feeling funny since Barack became Prez. I find myself becoming a hippie. A white hippie no less. Maybe this election will finally result in assimilation? I feel like I have to behave a certain way now. Like the stigma has been lifted and excuses removed and expectations elevated. I might even have to go green. It can't be too hard, I was a raw foodist for a week!

In any event, I had a pumpkin spice latte soy grande (or was it soy spicey grande latte)? Whatever it was, it was delicious and I am hooked! I was feigning for my next fix before I finished my first one and I was regretting the decision to get the grande instead of the venti. I always get the grande because I think people will judge me if I get the venti. That doesn't stop me from getting the obnoxiously large sized drink at Jamba Juice, but I have convinced myself that that's different because its healthy (or possibly healthy).

The point is that I am now a Scientologists. I can't wait to try the water next time I go in (as soon as I finish this post), I hear Madonna loves it! Wait, is that Kaballah? I might be that too. Is it no longer okay to call Modonna Madge?

Oh, it was a grande pumpkin spice soy latte. Delicious.

Hello Pot, I am Kettle!

I am pretty out of it. I hardly keep track of appointments and barely check my email and there's no good reason for it. It's a problem particularly at work. However, today I decided to do better. I decided to attend a training session taught by my mentor. You know, it's always good to show face (especially one as cute and done up as mine) every once in a while. And, it's not like I was doing anything anyways.

I go to my meeting and as soon as I sit myself down to learn THE SHIT HITS THE FAN. Thus I present to you the FRIDAY CRAZIES!!!

I get a text from my friend, who earlier this year had a nose job. He wanted to get rid of what he called his "Jew nose." He loved his new nose and wassn't shy about showing it off using pictures of old and new nose. Then his Dr. convinced him to let him tweak the nose just a bit to make it even better. Now, with that background I present to you the following blackberry messager exchanges:

Friend: I hate my new/old nose! I am so upset right now! I wanna cry!
Me: Why? Maybe it's just swollen. It's temporary.
Friend: You have no idea how dissapointed I am, it really looks bad, I'm so screwed!
Me: Oh no! Have him put it back to the way it was.
Friend: I look like a freak! I'm not going to be able to leave the house!!! He can't put it back. He is an idiot and I am an idiot for letting him do it. I can't, I'can't...***tears, ***sniffle.
Me: It can't be that bad, I am sure it's just different. You'll get used to it.
Friend: I am just worried my BF won't like it.
Me: Are you serious!? He loves you as you are and your nose won't make a bit of difference.
Friend: Whatever, if he doesn't "like" me anymore because of this shit, then it wasn't right from the get go.
Me: You are a silly girl.
Friend: Yeah, Kinda.
Me: Bless your heart.
Friend: Oh, Please bless my nose.

Time passes

Friend: Ok, I may have been a little quick to judge, it's still swollen, I'll have to wait another month before I can officially say that I hate it, overall I am still beautiful.
Friend: And I should only accept those who care about me as a nice person, besides, my next patient (50 year old lady) has a crush on me!
Me: Because you are a nice person?

Now, just as soon as this conversation jumps off I get a text from another friend!

Me: Are you home? Work depresses me. Let's hang out.
Friend: No. I thought I would see a walk in shrink. Been here 10 minutes and I'm already pissed off.
Me: Wait, there are walk in shrinks!? Why don't you just talk to me. I can be a shrink. Maybe better than a lawyer.
Friend: At St. Vincent's there are, they said there is a wait so I thought I would stay until I get sick of waiting.
Me: (other friend) doesn't like his new nose.
Friend: OH NO! He better leave this nose job alone and let it be his last. If he keeps going he's going to look like cat woman. And btw, I've been here 30 minutes and I hate the front desk woman. That along with the other crazys is making me rethink my intake form. I may add homicidal to the list.
Me: NO!!! I'll give you a lorazapam. It will calm you down!
Friend: Oh god! One of the CPs (Crazy people) just got all agitated by his wait time and was acting up, I fear this may insite a riot. If I text 911, leave work and meet me in the safe house....with a brownie if you have time.
Me: I can't take it. Am going to faint.
Friend: You should see me! I keep laughing out loud and I think the CPs have accepted me as one of their own! This couldn't be a worse misunderstanding!
Friend: To make it better, I think the front desk ppl think I'm a drugseeker.
Me: This is crazy! Why can't you just go to an AA meeting!?
Friend: I am not an alcoh0lic.
Me: Whatever, it's free therapy and you don't need an appointment....AND they might have brownies.

It doesn't stop there...midway through all of this I get an IM from another friend (randomly)!

Friend: You're right. I'm totally in love with Mike Little

Background note: Mike is this chubby guy that my friend always hangs out with. I would call him fatty in this post, but she already has a fatty in her life and I already have a chubs, and fatty magoo is taken, so we are just creating an actual name for this guy. In any event, I have been teasing her about being in love with this guy for a while, but she is too vain to date him because he's chubbers mcflubbers (oh, look at that).

Me: OH.MY.GOD.
Friend: It's okay. I am not going to do anything.
Me: OH!! MY!! GOD!!! I didn't believe it until you just said it!! Why wouldn't you do anything? He's totally in love with you too and you know it.
Friend: Not true. He has a girlfriend. We're out with a girlfriend of mine and he's so sweet with her. Which made me realize how much I like him. But maybe it's like how I love you.
Me: You love me like you love a fat person!? How could you say that to me?
Friend: I have to go.
Me: Wait, do you or do you not love me the same way you love a fat person? Are you calling me fat!?

Eventually, my meeting would end. But, I swear all of this was too much for an hour long presentation. It's like, why did all the crazies start acting up at the same time and during the same hour when I actually had something to do.

And, if you are reading this and don't know any of these people they are all as dramatic as they sound. You may think they are exagerating, but they are not. We are all this dramatic, this vain and this ridiculous.

Thank God for the Blackberry! I had three different real time conversations via 3 different mediams (bb messenger, google talk and text) all the while "learning" about: indubitable equivalent, impairment, confirmation and who knows what else. These are just some words I picked up during all the texting.

What a Friday!

I am not mean, I am honest.

Do you think I am fat?

This is a question I never want to hear.  Ever.  And, I don't know why anyone would ask me this question.  It's like my truth serum.  I can avoid questions and sugarcoat answers with the best of them but I just can't put lipstick on a pig.  

Recently, I had a date ask me if I thought he was fat.  My initial thought was Godamit, can he read my mind?  Or, do I have my you are fat face on?  In any event, he asked.  Once the question was posed my head almost exploded with thoughts.  I wanted to be nice and I wanted to be honest.  

So what came out of my mouth was both:  "No, I don't think you are fat, but I do think you are gay fat."

Excellent.  What is gay fat?  I think everyone knows what gay fat is:  Mary Kate plus/minus 5.  Why did I think he was gay fat?  First, he was.  Second, he used to be fatter.  Third, he wasn't trying to lose weight.  Me, myself, personally?  I think that number 3 is a problem by itself.  As a gay you should almost always be on some kind of diet and trying to lose weight or build muscle or something.  If not, you are gay fat.  Truthfully, you're gay fat even if you are doing all of those things.  

You see, fat is literally like the Devil.  The devil may not exist, but damnit if you are not scared of going to hell.  Even if I am not fat and am not close to being fat, I am pretty damn scared of getting there.  So I like to give half of my sandwiches to the homeless thus avoiding fat and hell. 

I also have problems with guys that used to be obese.  Someone knew you when you were big and that person will think that I am dating a fat boy.  My record is clean.  I once skirted close to a 34, but was a solid 31 after a quick 3 day juice fast and 4 enemas.   I feel like we should have been able to date at any point, but that can't be the case if your nickname used to be bigstuff.  Although, if there is an alternate explanation for the nickname we can talk.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the gym.

Lonely Planet, KelleBelle Style

Having lived in three corners of the good ol USofA and a stint in Jamaica, I have been privy to a variety of phrases and customs specific to that part of the country/world. Below, a few notable comparisons. Please add your own in the comments section.

Sentence ender

Seattle: Whatnot (usually preceded by and/or)

Philly: Nahmeen?

LA: ...or whatever

Kingston: ...or some fuckery like dat (runner up: Struuup!)

Drinking in preparation/prior to a night out

Seattle: Pre-Funk

Philly: Pre-Game; Get it in (although that is used to describe just about any social activity)

LA: Pre-Game (lame, but better than San Fran: Get Hyphy)

Kingston: Um, this would infer there was a time prior to going out when I wasn't drinking (excluding work hours...except on Fridays).

TV Show based in the City

Philly: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (runner up: Parking Wars!)

Seattle: "Frasier" (duh)

LA: "Beach Patrol: Hermosa Beach" The show is hilarious - it's basically "Cops" but (wait for it) at the beach (my hometown), arresting drunks on skateboards.

Kingston: Besides the native soap operas (which are fab!) I am at a loss.

Drink of Choice (non-alcoholic)

Philly: Rita's Water Ice

Seattle: Anything with caffeine in it

LA: hot water with lemon (or diet coke)

Kingston: Coconut water

Drink of Choice (alcoholic, the way God intended drinks to be)

Philly: Yuengling (beer)

Seattle: Adios (cocktail)

LA: Vodka and sugar-free red bull (rimmed with white powder, and it ain't salt)

Kingston: Red Stripe (beer)

Nibbles

Philly: Cheesesteak (duh)

Seattle: Anything accompanying your cup of coffee (muffin/biscotti)

LA: Anything low-fat/carb (and it best be kosher)

Kingston: Patties (runner up: pan chicken! the best meal upon the let out at the club)

Dear Jesus, I am Sorry. Love Jake.

This weekend I used Jesus to end a date that was approaching FIVE HOURS LONG. GOD DAYUM! Somethimes you have to know when to say when and when to say Jesus.

I was on a date with a guy I have been dating for like several months. Very casual. For some reason I just haven't been into this guy. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I don't know if it is because he is taller than me (by a lot), because he is dumber than me (by a lot), because he is poorer than me (by a lot) , or because he is younger than me (by a lot in maturity). Alls I know is that I wasn't feeling it and I tried my best. I was all like it's okay to date a 21 yo from the ends of Brooklyn who works part time at a makeup store and spends his off days drinking with his moms and finds fun in poking me and giggling. I can. I am evolved and open minded. Turns out, I am delusional.

Anyways, we spent almost all of saturday together and as the day went on I became more and more annoyed and bored with this guy. I mean, can't a guy smoke his reefer in peace? He wouldn't leave. He even spent the night. I tried playing sleep, but I could sense his awakeness so I made out with him some, but I wasn't even into that.

I told him that in the morning I had to go to church. And in the morning I got up and said I was going to church. He watched. I said I am getting in the shower so I can go to church. He watched. I got out and said I am getting dressed for church. He decided to get up now too. I got dressed for church and went down stairs. He came along. We get outside and I say I need a jacket. I said I don't need a jacket. He looks at me. I say I am going to get a jacket. He says I'll wait right here for you (outside my building...GOD DAYUM). I go get a jacket and he proceeds to walk me to the subway where I go into the subway and stand for a few seconds. I then came out and quickly turned the corner and went home to take a damn nap.

Can you imagine? I got fully dressed for church and went all the way to the subway to end a date. You know what's even funnier? I was so committed I put BET on and sang gospel songs. Granted, the only one I know is Jesus, Oh What A Wonderful Child from Mariah Carey's Xmas album and lucky me so did he because he. lives. for. Mariah (but, who doesn't really?). Even funnier? This all happened at about 10am. He had to leave to go to work at noon anyways. I went through all of that for 2 hours of solitude.

And, I like this guy. He is sooo sweet and I hope he never finds out, but I get the sense that he knows. One week earlier I pretended to get a last minute work assignment on my BB at about 10pm at night and I don't think he believed me. I feel terrible.

As mean as I am you think I would just be honest right? Actually, I think that would be too nice for me.

Don't Take Offense

In light of today's brouhaha over President-Elect Obama's reference to himself as a "Mutt", I couldn't help but wonder: who says what is offensive?

As you all know, I have no problem with self-deprecating terms to depict the mongrel race. However, I have learned that many people find the term "mutt" or "half-breed" to be quite offensive. I find it interesting that the majority of people who do find the terms offensive are not "mixed-race" themselves (in my experience). But I am sure there are some halfies that find the terms offensive as well.

Anywho, in typical KB fashion I have compiled a list of terms that, depending on the audience, elicit a chuckle, or a nasty eyeroll:

1. Mutt or Half-Breed
I do not find these terms offensive, although I am not sure that I would be okay with a non-mongrel using the terms. I'm so complex.

2. Switch Hitter

I had no idea this could be construed as an offensive term to describe bi-sexuality. Sorry Tila!

3. Gay

This term has become so engrained in straight folk's casual conversations, I doubt it has the same negative connotation that it used to bear. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

4. Ghetto

The majority of people I observe using this word are usually on the business end of a b-slap.

5. Girl or Boy (used to describe grown black women/men)

I cringe everytime someone adds "girl" to the end of their statement to me, in an attempt to prove their coolness, I presume. It does the opposite and pisses me off in the process. I know for a fact my brother will get all Hulk on a fool for referring to him as "boy." Yet, the terms are still used nonchalantly by non-black people, especially "girl." I blame Martin (Payne, not LK, Jr.).

What else...?

-KelleBelle

P.S. Thanks to my co-worker Adam for his suggestions (Oreo and Twinkie). Although these sound like delightful nicknames, they are patently offensive in their meaning when applied to black and asian people. I'm looking for words that can be offensive or harmless, depending on the speaker and the audience.

November 5th Game Plan

What are you going to do on Wednesday, November 5th?

I know I'll be nursing a hangover - hopefully with a smile and newfound sense of hope for the country, and not as I make travel arrangements for my relocation to France should a certain elderly man snag the W.

If all goes to plan, I will do the following on November 5th:

1. Walk around the office George Jefferson style the entire day.

2. Bump "Brown Skinned Lady" in my whip on full blast in a nod to our new first lady.

3. Give the bird in the direction of Alaska out of the left side of my car when I am driving Northbound (I'm in Seattle ps).

4. Rock my natural hair. That white house is about to be full of hot combs and grease!

5. Buy stock in Johnson and Johnson, the manufacturer of Luster's pink oil (see #4).

6. Purchase and consume fried chicken and watermelon in front of white folks without hesitation.

What are you going to do?

-KB

Recession Proof Jobs

Hey kids. I have been meaning to blog about hot topics regarding the upcoming presidential election but honestly I am just about burned out. I've seen and heard enough debates, snl clips, and npr stories to last me a lifetime...or at least until 2012. Hopefully by then the economy will be in a much better place, but until then, times is tough, honey.

I was at a swanky restaurant (for happy hour; we all know KB does not eat solid food after dusk...unless it's an olive or cherry in her cocktail) the other day with some coworkers and engaged in a delightful conversation with a very chatty bartender named Chip. He mentioned that he had worked at said swank establishment for 5 years and had never seen a no-reservation night until this month...when they had 3 in a row. Interestingly, he mentioned that the bar has never been better and all waitstaff are now seething to get a gig serving up cocktails - because that's where people are spending their dough. Who needs a thirty dollar steak when you can get an extra dirty martini, some complimentary peanuts, and a case of the giggles for a ten spot?

That being said, I have compiled a list of recession/depression (prove me wrong Bernake!) proof gigs:

11. Medium-Low Priced Callgirl. Cut the BJ fee in half and throw in a two-fer deal on Fridays and you may be on your way to buying that mobile home you've had your eye on.

10. Bartender/cocktail waitress. In times of economic distress, folks always reach for the booze to soothe their pain.

9. Collector. Be it credit card, student loan, mortgage, car note, wal-mart lay-a-way, etc. folks are behind on their payments. And someone's gotta nag them for it.

8. News Anchor. Someone's gotta tell you why you don't have a 401K, house, or job anymore.

7. Garbage (wo)man. All the trash you left behind at your soon to be foreclosed house has got to go somewhere.

6. Bus driver. Folks are struggling to pay the car note, let alone fill up with still high gas prices, so the public transporation sector will definitely need more drivers to bus around peeps going to and fro (the unemployment line).

5. Comedian/enne. Everyone needs a laugh, especially during hard times. Dust off that karoke machine in the garage and take your act on the road!

4. Reality show jerk. Apparently, if you lack any kind of skill, intellect, wit, pride, or class, you will always, always have a job at VH1. It may not pay anything up front, but you'll get a fake mansion to call home for 6 weeks and numerous opportunities to sell your soul after the show wraps.

3. Bootlegger. Who has money or time to hit the movies these days? I know I don't. Meanwhile, I'm heading to MLK blvd. to snoop out the neighborhood bootleg connect and cop a two dollar copy of "W." What?

2. Fireman. Folks are desperate for cheese and unfortunately many may go the arson route for that good insurance money. Although neighbors may not give a rip if their doomed home burns either, in the interest of public safety, the fire really should be put out.

1. Cop. Crime always rises in an economic downturn. If you don't mind dodging bullets from frustrated out of work citizens, it's Police Academy 6 (or is it 7) for you.

Picture It Bitches!

I mean, everyone loves a picture it, right? Then picture it: NYC 2008 at random Gay Bar. I am minding my own business (as I am known to do) and out of nowhere I was attacked by a large angry woman.

It's true. I was sitting near a window and a gaggle of gays and their hag decided to sit right outside the window and smoke their fags. I ever so politely and ever so gently slam the window shut, lest my beer be poisoned with second hand smoke. Well, the fatty-gay doesn't take it too well and starts taunting and talking shit through the window. Bet. I open window and say: sir, is there a problem? He wants to know why I closed the window and I explained why. We go back and forth and I am on the very verge of cussing him what some might call...the fuck out. But, he was being so sweet, bless his heart. I have a fond place in my heart for sweet fatty gays wearing ill-fitting smedium shirts. I do. BUT, before we could finish exchanging pleasantries his rotund hag slammed the window in my face.

Gasp. I didn't know what to do. What does one do in a situation like that? Well, just as soon as she slammed that window I had it back open and shouted: Don't you dare slam the window on me Fatty Magoo. All hell breaks loose. They all come back into the bar and she tells everyone what I said, one of her pocket gays tossed a piece of ice in my direction. She storms out and then storms back in and is generally hysterical.

I too am upset. As mean as I am, I would never want to call a fat girl fat. I think it's terrible. I certainly wouldn't want to call a fat girl fat in a gay bar. A gay bar is sposed to be a safe place for fat girls. It's a place where they can be peppered with compliments and suuported for their inner fierceness and alladat. Calling a fat girl fat in a gay bar is like calling a priest a fag in the middle of mass. Just plain wrong.

Yet there I was. I had done it. I had broken the sacred trust between a gay and a hag. Or did she!? Mayhaps she broke that there trust. As nice as a gay may be, we all know that the worse possible thing is always at the tip of the tongue, as was the case with me. I didn't mean to call her fat, but the word is almost always at the tip of my tongue and can fly out in a state of crisis, or in much less dramatic times. For others the word is bitch, for me it's fat bitch. Sike. It's more like Fatty Magoo, Fatty Lumpkins, Chubby Twochin, etc. And, well she started it! I was waiting for her to call me a fag, sissy, cum guzzling bottom, anything! But she didn't. She went to her gays, who were themselves fat and so clearly didn't want me to unleash on them. Sticks and stones break bones, but words will deter a gay.

Ultimately, I tracked her down and apologized. I really did not mean it. I am not a mean person like that. I always view my role as one of balancing when it comes to my nannies. When they are in a place of stregnth and are looking fierce and alladat I call them fat and baldheaded. Why, you might ask? To keep them motivated! We wouldn't them to get to cocky and slip up, now would we? Similarly, when my nannies are down I remind them how gorgeous they are, mainly because they are, but also because I am a good friend and I want my friends to be happy. The world is tough enough as it is.

Me and Fatty Magoo hugged it out and all was good. I complimented her black dress (to encourage her to wear slimming things of course) and she said I reminded her of her hot friend. If my nanny card weren't already full I would have taken her on. However, I won't have an opening until the 20th when one of my main nannies goes abroad.

I still feel awful, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson. Really, the fatty gay is to blame here. He clearly has not trained his hag. I am sure to train my nannies before taking them to a gay bar. For instance, they must know that they can't act like they would in a straight bar. Straight girls love to pick fights in straight bars because straight men won't hit them. Niether will a gay, but they will pick apart the outfit, makeup, hair, and attractivesness, so be careful. I also tell my nannies not to ever get too attached to any gay at any bar. I don't care if he dances well, says he's bi, flatters you till you faint...he's gay and there's nothing you can do about it. These are but 2 valuable lessons of many.

So happy to be back guys!

KelleBelle goes to Church

Picture it: KB struts in 30 minutes late (I got lost...perhaps on purpose subconsciously) in sky high black platform heels, black tights, black and tan wrap dress, black scarf, and black trench. Did I mention my Jackie O shades? Check.

Clearly this is not my mama's church. Honey, the First AME church in Los Angeles is fierce! I sometimes have to remind myself I am not at the Ebony fashion show when I walk into the church lobby.

Apparently the dress code is not universal. For those just tuning in, KB relocated to Seattle. Quite different in terms of style than LA or the east coast...Um, peeps looked at me and my pumps this morning like I was the pastor's scorned mistress arriving late to my bastard child's communion. Or something like that.

Meanwhile, I went to church today to make my mom (and God) happy, and mission accomplished. Well, at least in terms of moms, who literaly squealed with religious glee when I gave her the scoop. I also met a lovely young lady who was happy to be my Seattle tour guide (and give me all the church gossip one could handle). Although I'm not sure she and I are on the same page in terms of our social itinerary...I shall indulge her excitement to show me around.

Perhaps I was meant to go to this church so I can now really appreciate the fabulousness of my mom's church in LA. The sermons are great there, and I dug today's sermon as well. But something about professional level choirs, state of the art visual and audio systems, random dance performances and celebrity guest stars, and all sorts of personalities and energy make the "word" that more enlivening...

Tune in next week when KB goes to Synagogue! You know I can't ignore my other half. :)

Mazel Tov and Stay Blessed!

-KB

Where in the world are Jake & Kelly?

I'll let Jake answer for himself. But as for Miss Kelly, she done left Cali and went north, way north! No, not Canada. America Jr. is not ready for The Belle.

KB moved to Seattle and is somebody's VP. Work!


A few observations about the "Emerald City":

Caffeine is the drug of choice.

An obvious attribute of the home of Starbucks but y'all have no idea just how deep the caffeine scene is here. Not only are there Starbucks everywhere (and I mean everywhere - I bet they have them in church lobbies...maybe if I take a break from being a heathen one of these days I can confirm that hunch) but they have all sorts of independent drive-thru espresso joints, hooter-esque coffee shops ("Bikini Coffee" - where the Barristas wear skimpy lil outfits while serving up the Joe), and check it - at McDonalds, they don't just serve coffee - an entire side of the menu board is dedicated to your coffee options. That's deep.

The caffeine craze is incredibly engrained in the culture. For example, I have noticed either Starbucks or RockStar energy drinks sponsors every event - be it a festival, a concert, a political rally, a charity event, a bar-mitzvah (jokes), anything. And there is an unspoken rule that once people arrive to work there is to be no work done until you have had your coffee. It's just understood. I love it here!

It's a gold diggers paradise.

Due to Microsoft Money, there are oodles of folks up here with so much money they don't know what to do with it. I have seen more than a handful of scruffy looking 40 something dudes get out of their lambos in Crocs and ripped jeans.

It doesn't rain everyday.

Yes, I know it's not winter. But everyone scared the bejebus out of KelleBelle about the rain when she first told folks of her impending move. It has rained maybe twice in a month...and honestly, after surviving 3 Boston and Philly winters a piece, I think I'll be aiight. =) And when it does rain...it's just an excuse for me to buy super cute rain boots and matching umbrella. Yum!

I am getting into the swing of things so I will be blogging more often. Sorry for the absence, but I've kinda been doing big things. ;) I haven't even had time to watch my beloved TV or make it to the theater (movie). I hear there's some broad on the GOP ticket? Shut the F up! :P

Love you, mean it!

KB

What's in Your NQ???

So, I love Netflix. And who doesn't? I was mad late to the Netflix party because it all seemed complicated. It invloved mailing stuff and I thought I would need stamps and I never have stamps and I thought it involved deadlines and I hate deadlines. I just knew it would be a hassle, but turns out it is as easy as the viennese waltz. And, I am getting so good at it. I keep a revolving door of movies in my apartment. I can't manage to do anything else, but I watch my movies and promptly send it back and then in 2 days I get another movie. It is literally mind boggling to me, but I am a simple man.

But, here is the problem. I have pretty awful taste in movies and am generally really bad about looking up movies and reviews of the movies and reading comments, etc. I just read the description and if I like it I queue that badboy up. I probably immediately return about 1 in 5 movies after 10 seconds in the DVD player. That's not an awful percentage, but sometimes disappointing. My ex-biff (tears) would huff and puff and cuss me out for getting movies without reading reviews. However, since he's gone now I have gone caaraaazy with the Netflix picks.

What's on my NQ (Netflix Queue)? It's a list befitting of a 20 something living in Chelsea New York: pretty much all gay movies. For some reason, I am so into gay cinema. Okay, so maybe the reason is obvious, but it is still a bit extreme. I think I am just amazed at how many gay movies there are out there. How come they don't have commercials? I thought the only gay movie ever made was Brokeback Mountain, but turns out there were plenty before and after it. With a gay movie you are guaranteed some good drama and a good and nasty sex scene. Sometimes, even two or three.

But, you know you have bad taste when Netflix recommendations say the following: customer average (rating): 2.3; our best guess for you: 4.5!!! Hey, I am no movie snob!

Anywho, here's a taste of the type of movies I have watched recently:

The Mudge Boy:



Duncan (Emile Hirsch) is a 14-year-old boy who's always been labeled the "weird" one. When Duncan's mother unexpectedly dies, he takes a bizarre interest in her clothing and starts to speak in her voice. His father (Richard Jenkins) doesn't understand his son's conduct, and all the kids poke fun at him. When Duncan befriends a group of older boys by buying them beer, he discovers that one of them, Perry (Tom Guiry), has dark secrets of his own.

This one wasn't bad. It was actually pretty good and I totally recommend it. Weird though.

Get Real:



Steven (Ben Silverstone) is an average student at his middle-class high school, but he's harboring a big secret: He's gay. His only confidant is best friend Linda (Charlotte Brittain) … that is, until he meets John (Brad Gorton), the school's star jock who's seemingly straight and dating a model. The boys stumble through an awkward affair that sends Steven spinning and has John more confused than ever. Based on a play by Patrick Wilde.

I really liked this one too. Not bad.

Gone But Not Forgotten:



Drew (Aaron Orr) is a forest ranger who meets yuppie Mark (Matthew Montgomery) after he falls while rock climbing. Mark wakes up in the hospital with amnesia and sees that Drew has remained by his side since the accident. Drew offers to move in with Mark to help him out until he regains his memory, which propels the two men into a passionate affair. But things start to change as Mark's memory slowly returns. …

Immediately returned it.

A Home at the End of the World:



Pulitzer Prize-winning author (for The Hours) Michael Cunningham's earlier novel about a troika of close friends who enter into an unconventional living arrangement gets deft treatment. Boyhood pals Bobby (Colin Farrell) and Jonathan (Dallas Roberts) both love the same woman (Robin Wright Penn), but in different ways (Jonathan is gay). Undaunted, they all try to make a life together -- and even have a baby -- in 1980s New York.

Helloooo, it has Colin Farrel. A legit actor in a gay movie = good sign.

The 24th Day



Tom (Scott Speedman, from TV's "Felicity") has just found out that he's HIV-positive. A married man who's been living the "straight" life, Tom had sex once, years earlier, with a man named Dan (James Marsden), and now he's on a mission to find him. His plan: kidnap Dan, take a blood sample and see if it comes back positive; if so, he'll kill him. The stage is set for a supreme battle of wills in this drama based on Tony Piccirillo's play.

I super double heart this one.

And next on my NQ???

Eating out 2: Sloppy Seconds



After breaking up with his boyfriend, rebounding college student Kyle (Jim Verraros) turns his attention to Troy, a handsome male model in his art class. Farm boy Troy claims to be straight, but an unconvinced Kyle decides to take him to a campus support group for "reformed" gays to find out the truth. Kyle's silly attempts to prove that Troy is gay lead to a series of confusing hookups and farcical situations.

Can't wait. This is going to be either really good or really bad. Although, it is a sequel...I'll let you know.

What's in your NQ?

KelleBelle Goes for the Gold!

My competition? Scoop! Olympic Style.

There have been a few note-worthy happenings over in Beijing.

1. "The little singing girl must be flawless."

Hats off to the Chinese powers-that-be for subbing a cuter girl to lip synch over a buck toothed child. I don't really see what's the big hub bub. I completely co-sign. Image is everything!

Real talk: that's pretty foul of them to do to the little girl. But she will grow up, move, and make tons of dough singing and producing. The cutey will lose her appeal by age 20.

2. The Spaniards bite the hand that feeds (and hosts) them.


"An advertisement for the Spanish Basketball Federation that appeared in the Spanish daily sports newspaper Marca featured Spain's 15 national team members in uniform pulling back the skin on their eyelids, with smiles on their faces. The team photo was taken at a center court bearing a dragon logo. " (ABC.com)

Not only are they pissing off their Olympic host country, they may need a new supplier of kicks. Li-Ning is the Chinese footwear company sometimes called “the Nike of China,” and is one of the team's biggest sponsors.

3. I told you we can swim!


The U.S. men's 4x100-meter freestyle relay team won Olympic gold...with the help of a black guy! Yes! Cullen Jones is the first African American to participate in an Olympic swim relay final and the second to win gold. Woot!

Random Thoughts with KelleBelle

Did you ever notice...

...that when people on TV and in movies carry groceries it's always a large brown paper bag with some sort of green leaf lettuce and a baguette sticking out? My bag never looks like that. Swap a bottle of vodka for the the bread and a fashion magazine for the lettuce and you'll be close.

...the brides and grooms featured in Jet's wedding announcement section are always graduates of the most far out hbcu ever? Ex: "The groom, a graduate of southeastern missouri of south carolina technical A&G state university said 'I Do' to his bride, a cum laude graduate of east west southern state university orangeburg campus, at Tabernacle Baptist Holy Christ Church in Fayetteville, NC. The couple will honeymoon in Raleigh."*

..how some people are up in arms about a makeup company engaging in the routine practice of (gasp!) altering the image of one of its slangers to comform to the european standard of beauty to which they cater to; but are cool with a white actor literally in black face for an upcoming big budget movie? I'm not co-signing either move. Although, I can't wait to see the flick! But in protest, I'll cop it on the bootleg tip.

Once again, thanks for indulging my random, somewhat shallow, thoughts.

KelleBelle

*I'm not only going to hell for that one, but I'll surely be traded to the J's in the next race draft. Ah well. It was only a matter of time...

KelleBelle Pulls a Judy Winslow on Your Asses

Sorry to simply ignore the sudden absence of my weekly review of "I Love Money." But I lost all motivation to write recaps of the show. It just didn't seem worthy of a KB review. The show was trashy and I'd much rather have my friends read my review than waste time on actually watching it. But it was so bad and more importantly, boring, that it was really not worth it for me to watch and write about.

I am opening the floor to suggestions for a new show to review. Or any other ideas...

-KB

Real Talk: 2008 Presidential Race

Starring Jake and Kelly!

Now that Paris and Rihanna are officially a ticket (thanks a lot John McCain!), you knew J&K would be the next realistic presidential candidates.

Our first order of business? Duh, the war!

The war on fat that is.

Fast food joints will only be open for business during the hours of 2am-5am. You know, "the let-out" hours when folks need to soak up the liquor they consumed in the club before they drive home.

Thus ridding the country of fatties and curbing the number of DUIs. That, ladies and germs, is how you kill two birds with one stone.

Also, all lycra mini dresses in sizes XXL and above will be outlawed. And all primary schools will be outfitted with full-fledged gyms with mandatory exercise and/or dance classes for the kids.

Second order of bid-ness would be to legalize the chief.

Third would be to tackle the mortgage crisis. I would make it mandatory for all law students and lawyers to dedicate at least three hours a week to assist homeowners who are facing foreclosure negotiate with their lenders/banks. All who refuse to cooperate will be given public lashings broadcasted on youtube. What? The 8th amendment will be on vacay that day.

Fourth task - Energy. Now I know for a fact there is a surplus of jheri curl juice out there in somebody's warehouse, just waiting for that style to come back. I'm no scientist but I bet you can burn the juice to fuel a Hummer for days.

And lastly, on Wednesdays everyone must wear Pink!

Now, onto our cabinet.

Secretary of State: Oprah. She'll obviously be the one making the real decisions.

Chief of Staff: I'm gonna have to say Tyra. She's so bossy! Every meeting would be a fashion show complete with judging.

Press Secretary: Wendy Williams! How You Doin' America?

Secretary of the Treasury: John Stewart. Yup, I went the J route!

Secretary of Defense: The Rock. YUM!

Secretary of the Interior (decorating): Jake, I believe we can handle that ourselves.

Attorney General: Star Jones. I feel bad for her!

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dr. Drew. Rehab for everyone!

Jakester, how are you going to contribute?

And I, Jake can be Vice President!! I am such a VP. I am a good team player. I would give pep talks to the Pres and let the other side have it.

I am also perfectly okay with being number 2. It would be like fulfilling my life dream of being in a boy band. I can't sing or dance, but there's always someone in the group that has no talent. Like I can talk in the beginning of songs like Raz B or just be the good looking guy like Nokio or just be there for symmetry like Lance Bass. I can be that guy! I can be a good Farnsworth Bently too, actually better.

And, I can deliver you Georgia with a large gay black turnout thus flipping the map.

Vote for Jake!! Cough Kellebelle and Jake.

It's All About Exposure

Let me cut straight to the chase: I have been in serious love with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson for some time now. I briefly converted to Catholocism a few years ago becuase I felt only a legit Priest could help me gain forgiveness for literally praising the Lord when news broke that Dwayne was divorcing his wife.

We're all family here at the Jake and Kelly show so I'll fess up: My true reason for moving back home to L.A. was to increase my chances of running into Dwayne. KB does not play when it comes to getting her man.

So it was no surprise this morning that I nearly fainted when I read on Bossip.com that Dwayne was spotted in Hawaii yesterday with some floosie from "Rock of Love"!!! What?!!!

I have been ignoring the rumored engagement of Jennifer Hudson and an "I Love New York" contestant (and former law school classmate of mine). Why? Because I refuse to acknowledge the truth: the only way I am going to land The Rock is to sell my soul to VH1.

I'm too tan for Rock of Love, and I'm no switch hitter, so Tila Tequila is out. Listerine makes bleach flavored mouthwash right? Flavor of Love here I come. Forgive me Lord for I am about to sin. And likely contract syphillis of the mouth. The Rock is worth it!

Although, even if I do gain exposure and his attention, I may not be his type. Judging from the ROL floosie and D's ex, I may be too fierce for him. What's with the drab chicks? Has he seen himself? Yum!!!

Shallow thoughts with KelleBelle

Do I even need to write an introductory paragraph?

Some thoughts...

Lime is the new Cherry

Think about it: Coke with Lime, Beer with Lime, Lime Doritos (not that there was ever cherry doritos, but still).

I predict coconut to be the next fruit essence du jour. Pomegranate got too cocky and hasn't captured mainstream appeal as of yet.

What else is "new"?

Illegitimate is the new Legitimate

At least in Hollywood. Name the last kid who was conceived by legally married parents? Not that there's anything wrong with it. My father's illegitimate.

Straight is the new Gay

Manscaping is commonplace for straight men; and we've done away with the whole "metrosexual" label. Chicks are making hit records about kissing other ladies, and everyone under the sun can marry whomever they choose in Cali. Sidenote: while at Outfest this year, I was tempted to hide my straightness in an effort to be a part of the cool kids. When asked if I was "family" I hung my head in shame and said, "no. I'm straight" accompanied by a heavy sigh. Straight is so boring these days.

Dulce de leche is the new cookie dough

Remember when cookie dough ice cream first jumped off? As a former fat kid, you bet your bottom dollar I remember the launch of that flavor quite vividly. Recently, dulce de leche has been the new hotness. It's yummers, but has yet to catch on quite like cd.

Black is the new...Black

...according to Italian Vogue. The July edition tells us nothing new - black beauty is where it's at! Peep the models on Project Runway that always make the biggest impact. They're invariably various shades of brown. Don't even make me refer you to Christian's winning collection. Only fierce brown and black models could do those clothes justice.

Reality is the new fantasy

And not just on television. Have you noticed that regular folks are starting to drink their own koolaid? I blame it on reality tv stars, the blogosphere, and social networking sites a la facebook and myspace. Folks create this entire new (and usually improved) persona of themselves and start to believe their own hype. Look, I only post flattering pics of myself, but trust, I know I am no Liya or Naomi. And just because you write a few witty posts about pop-culture, does not a celebrity make.*

Smirnoff Ice is the new Zima

...and they're both just the new wine coolers. I was too young to really know about Zima during it's peak popularity. But word on the street is it tastes just like smirnoff ice, but with an added air of corny-ness. Not sure why.

And last, but certainly not least:

The Obamas are the new Kennedys!

Okay kids, that's it for me. Thanks for indulging my random (somewhat) shallow thoughts.

Next time you're at the club ask the bartender for a Zima, with lime! ;)

Smooches,

KB

*Jake and I ran into a semi-well known blogger in LA and homey had the nerve to have an entourage! B please.